“It’s going to be awful without you,” she said miserably.
“It’s going to be even worse for me,” he said seriously. “You’re having another man’s baby, and you may fall in love with Max all over again and decide to stay with him and your children.” And he wasn’t going to try to convince her to leave. He wanted her to come to him on her own.
“That’s not going to happen,” she said, about falling in love with Max. “I love you, Richard. I just want to be sure I’m doing the right thing.” He nodded and said he wanted that for her too, but what he wanted was for her to come away with him and share his life. He had an apartment in Hong Kong and a flat in London and a permanent suite at the Ritz in Paris. He had an enviable life and he wanted to share it with her. “What if you get tired of me one day?”
“That’s not going to happen either. It’s far more likely that you’ll get tired of me. One day you may decide that I’m too old.” He was twenty-nine years older than she was but she could no longer imagine not loving him.
“Would you ever want to get married?” She was curious, not planning.
“If that’s what you want. I don’t care either way. Maybe four is my lucky number,” he said, smiling at her. He was easygoing about everything and wanted to please her, and they made love every day, although he was increasingly careful. Her due date was only four weeks away, and he didn’t want the baby to come any sooner. He wouldn’t be able to see her for a while after it came. And they had agreed that after he left, they wouldn’t see each other again until she’d made up her mind. He didn’t want to put pressure on her. And he was willing to wait as long as it took. “Within reason, of course. I don’t want to wait until this one leaves for college,” he said, pointing at her belly. He had already told her he didn’t want a long-standing affair with a married woman. Her circumstances were exceptional now, for both of them, and it had just happened, but once the baby was born, she had to make a decision. It wouldn’t be fair to anyone if she didn’t, and she agreed. She didn’t consider what she had with Richard an affair, it was their future, she said to him. “I hope so,” he answered.
She was worried that Max would be at home all the time now with his new plane, and she’d have less opportunity to see Richard. But Max fell into his old routine rapidly, even with his own plane. He was gone constantly again in May. His promises were forgotten, and he went from one city to the next, without coming home in between. He would call her to check in, and explain that his plans had changed again, but she no longer complained. And he found her peaceful and happy when he did come home, and thought she was adjusted to the baby, and was basking in the glow of impending motherhood. It was a relief to see her in such good humor. She was even pleasant with him, although they never made love in this pregnancy. She didn’t want to have sex with two men. Her body belonged to Richard now, and her womb to her husband. It was the only part of her he still owned, but that would end soon. And Richard constantly marveled that her body hadn’t been marred by four pregnancies. She had the body of a young girl.
And even though the baby wasn’t his, Richard worried about her. “It’s getting awfully big, isn’t it? What does your doctor say?” She smiled at his concern.
“That it’s a big baby. The others were too, though not as big as this. Probably because it’s a boy.” He had noticed how much bigger it had gotten in the time they’d been together. “You’ll call me afterward, won’t you, so I know you’re all right? Whatever you decide?”
“Of course.” She dreaded his being away, and so did he. But there was no way around it and it was just as well. It would have driven her crazy if she knew he was nearby and she couldn’t see him.
Before he left, there was a profile of him in The New Yorker, and she found it on her desk when Max was home. For a minute, she panicked as he handed it to her and wondered if he’d had her followed.
“I don’t know if you remember him, but that’s the man you sat next to at dinner at Gracie Mansion. Interesting guy.”
“I remember him,” she said weakly, breathed again, and told Richard about it later. And they laughed.
“Poor guy, he has no idea what’s about to hit him. At least I hope it will. He deserves it for neglecting you shamelessly, but he probably won’t admit that to himself for a long time. Most men don’t. I didn’t either when it happened to me. His ego will take the hardest hit.” She suspected it was true. He thought he owned her, and had designed their life to suit himself, and had told himself it suited her too.
And then June came, and Richard and Julie had only days left together. It made them both feel desperate. She came to see him in the city every day, and she was tired, so they rarely went out, except for lunch occasionally. But most of the time they stayed home, and then she would drive back to Greenwich, stop to check on her mother, and go home to her children. But they wore her out now and were too exuberant, and too noisy.
Mercifully, Max was out of town on Richard’s last night before he left for France, so she could spend it with him. They lingered in bed for as long as they could, kissed constantly, and she went to the airport with him so they could be together until the last minute. He held her tightly in his arms at the gate, and closed his eyes, just feeling her and loving her. Neither of them cared who saw them.
“Come back to me,” he whispered to her. “Don’t leave me, Julie.” She knew what he meant as he held her.
“I won’t. I love you. Take care of yourself. I worry too. Be careful on the boat.” He smiled then.
“It’s not a rowboat, I promise.” And she laughed. She had seen photographs of it in the apartment. It was a two-hundred-foot yacht with a crew of eighteen.
“You could still get hurt or fall off.”
“I’ll try not to. And you take it easy now. Don’t do too much. Rest.” She had two weeks left before her Caesarean, which was scheduled for a week before her due date. “And don’t forget how much I love you.” He had to leave her then to catch his flight. He kissed her a last time and walked onto the plane as she waved at him, and stood there for a few minutes after. She watched the plane taxi away and take off, and then she drove home to Greenwich, and was surprised to find Max in the kitchen. He looked worried as soon as she walked in.
“Where were you? I got in this morning and I came home to check on you instead of going straight to the office.” He’d been gone for a week, and if she still cared, she would have been furious. He’d been away constantly for two months, which had worked out perfectly for her and Richard.
“I had the usual tests at my doctor’s. They test for all kinds of stuff now at the end,” she said casually.
“It won’t be long now,” he said, beaming, and put a proprietary hand on her belly which made her flinch. “I can’t wait to meet him.”
“Me too,” she said and went to lie down in their bedroom. She wanted time to herself to think about Richard. She had a big decision to make. He was going to be away for two months, but she was planning to tell Max her decision long before then. She just wanted to get through the birth first, and try to think clearly.
Max came in then to shower and change clothes and go back to town for a business dinner. He said he’d be home late, and he might stay in the city and would sleep at the apartment. She didn’t answer. “Are you okay? You’re very quiet.” She’d been so happy lately and now she seemed sober.
“Just thinking.”
“Worried about the delivery?”
“Not yet. I will be. It’s a good thing it’s a C-section. He’s huge.” Max had noticed it too.
“How’s your mom doing?” he asked delicately.
“Same. She’s still hanging on. They have her very sedated. It’s better that way. Thanks for asking.” They were strangers now, living at the same address and having a baby together. She wondered if he’d make it to the delivery this time. And for a minute she was sorry it wasn’t
Richard’s baby. But as he’d said, it wasn’t what they were good at, or what he wanted.
She had a quiet evening after Max left. She saw the children for a little while. Hélène came and visited her in her room with the nannies’ permission. She said something about wanting to be the baby’s godmother because she’d been praying for him.
“What kind of prayers?” Julie asked her.
“Oh, you know, just nice prayers, like asking God to take care of him until he gets here and we can take care of him.”
Julie thought that was sweet and thanked her for it. “But you can’t be a godmother because Daddy’s Jewish, and they don’t have godmothers.” Hélène looked disappointed.
“Why don’t we go to church or temple?”
“Because Daddy doesn’t go to temple, and I don’t go to church anymore, at least not very often.”
“Maybe one day I’ll be Jewish like Opa and Mamie Emm. She said it was important to remember what happened in the war, so people don’t forget about being Jewish. I think I’d like to be Jewish.” Julie thought it was an odd thing to say, but she was a sensitive child, and thought about things very seriously, and had been close to her grandparents. Julie felt momentarily guilty for not taking the children to church from time to time, which was yet another thing she didn’t do with them. There were so many. But Max always said it would confuse them.
Max stayed in the city that night and Julie went to bed early, and the phone woke her at six A.M. She wondered if it was Richard calling from Paris. He was staying at the Ritz for a few days before he headed south and met the boat in Monaco. But it wasn’t. It was the hospice nurse at her mother’s, she had died peacefully a few minutes before. There had been no warning or time to call Julie to come over, but she had already said goodbye to her mother many times. And they were all ready. The nurse said she had called her sisters too. Julie called them then, and they were both flying in that afternoon. They had already made all the decisions for the funeral and knew their mother’s wishes. They’d had time to talk it over with her while she was still lucid. She had even told them what music. Julie was sad but it had been coming for so long, she felt peaceful about it. She called Max then to tell him, and he told her he was sorry. All of their parents were gone now. In a way, Julie was glad, she wouldn’t have to deal with anyone’s reactions except Max’s if she left him for Richard. Their parents’ opinions would have been an added burden.
She went to her mother’s house a little while later, and the funeral parlor had already taken her away. The obituary had already been written, and she sent it off by messenger to the Times and the local papers. She called the florist, and set everything else in motion. Her mother wanted white lilies, and by the time her sisters arrived late that afternoon from California, everything had been organized. They had flown in together.
“OhmyGod, look at you, you’re huge!” her older sister commented, and her younger sister chimed in too. It reminded her that they would have opinions about what she was doing too. But it didn’t matter to her what they thought. She was the one who had to live her life, with a husband who was never around and four children she knew she couldn’t manage and didn’t want to. Her sisters each had two children which was all they wanted, and their children were still very young so they hadn’t brought them. Julie had told Hélène and Kendra that morning that Grandma had gone to Heaven to be with Grampa.
“Will they see Opa and Mamie Emm?” Hélène had asked her. She was asking complicated religious questions these days. “Or would they be in a different part of Heaven because they’re Jewish?”
“I’m not sure,” Julie answered, “I think you have to ask your father.” She had no idea what he’d want to tell her.
* * *
—
Everything went smoothly for Julie’s mother’s funeral, and Richard sent an enormous bouquet of white orchids to Julie at the house with a card that just said, “Love, Richard,” which she put in her pocket when the flowers arrived. Everything about the funeral had been exactly what her mother had wanted. Her sisters stayed with her at The Orchards, and they talked about putting their parents’ house on the market since none of them wanted it, and they no longer lived in the area, and Julie didn’t need it. Everything had been left to the three of them, divided equally, so there would be no arguments over the estate, which was a blessing. And there was plenty for each of them. Money, antiques, jewelry, art.
They had already looked at her mother’s furnishings, jewelry, and possessions to express their preferences, and divided them amicably. All three of them were rich women, and had been since their father died.
And when they left to return to California, they wished her luck with the C-section, and told her to call as soon as she had the baby.
Richard had called several times from France too. He was on the boat by then, and communication via sat com was more difficult, but he said he would call anytime they were in port, where it was easier. And he wanted to hear from her when the baby came too. He was concerned about her.
“I’ll have Max call you,” she teased him.
“That’s not funny.”
“I’m sorry. I may be a little out of it for a day or so after the surgery.”
“I wish somebody could call me,” but they both knew that wasn’t possible, and she didn’t want to say anything to her gossipy sisters, who would want to know everything, and then pass judgment about what she was doing. And there was a part of her that still wasn’t sure about her decision. She knew she loved Richard unreservedly, but she wasn’t sure what was the right thing to do about her children. She was trying to assess whether she had an obligation to them for life, no matter how disconnected she felt as their mother. Maybe that was just her problem, not theirs, and she had no right to make it theirs by leaving. She knew it would affect them deeply. What did it say about you if your own mother left you? Julie wasn’t sure. She thought about it every day, and hoped the answer would become clear. She knew she didn’t want to sacrifice Richard for her children. That was too much to ask. She thought it would be easier to leave them for him.
* * *
—
Max did what she expected two days before the delivery. He announced that he had a big meeting in Houston, another in Phoenix, and one in Albuquerque that he couldn’t miss, but he promised he’d only be gone for two days, and back in time for the scheduled C-section the following day, after he got back. He was cutting it close, he always did.
“It’s before your due date anyway, so the baby isn’t going to come early and you won’t go into labor.”
“Are you trying to convince me or yourself?” she asked him crisply. “Should I remind you that Daisy came two weeks early and I went into labor before the scheduled C-section? Or should we just stay in Fantasyland about it, so you can feel okay about leaving this close to my due date?”
“I made it back last time, and I will this time,” he said stubbornly, “and I have my own plane now.”
“You made it by about two minutes,” she reminded him, and he looked uncomfortable, but he kissed her on the top of her head and left. He hadn’t really kissed her in months, and she didn’t miss it. She just didn’t feel the same way about him anymore. She wouldn’t have anyway, but especially not since Richard.
She didn’t go to aerobics class this time or swim in the pool for several days before the surgery. She didn’t want to do anything she shouldn’t. But two days before the scheduled date, there was a full moon and her water broke at midnight and she went into labor minutes later. The baby was in a hurry. She had Barbara, one of the nannies, drive her into the city, and there was no traffic, so they drove quickly. The pains were two minutes apart by the time they got there. By now she knew what she was dealing with and there were no surprises. She just had to grit her teeth and get through it until they reached the hospital, and since it had to be a C-section, they’d give her an
epidural for sure, or general anesthesia, which she liked even better. She didn’t call Max this time. It was all going too fast, and she knew he couldn’t get back from Houston or Albuquerque in time. She knew all the signs, had Barbara run in to get a nurse as soon as they reached the hospital, and she had called her doctor before they left.
“I’m ready to push,” she said to the nurse through clenched teeth, trying not to. Daisy had been born in even less time than that, but fortunately this one was slower.
“Aren’t you a scheduled C?” the nurse said. Many of the nurses knew her by now, after three children. She felt like a cow dropping calves.
“Apparently nobody told my son that.” Julie was gripping the arms of the wheelchair and wishing Richard was with her, not Max. He’d have control of the situation in minutes.
“We’ve got the delivery room ready for you,” the nurse reassured her.
They helped her onto a gurney and whizzed her into surgery where the doctor took one look at her and knew she was already fully dilated and the baby was huge. A nurse attached a monitor to her belly, and as she did, they saw the baby’s heartbeat plunge for the length of the contraction, and then come up again, and drop sharply again with the next one.
“We’re going in now,” the doctor said to the anesthesiologist, who was standing behind Julie and put a mask over her face. “I think we have a cord problem,” he said to the attending staff but Julie was already woozy, and seconds later she was unconscious as they made the incision as quickly as they could, and pulled the baby out seconds later. His face was a deep blue and there was no sound in the room as the doctor massaged him and a nurse quickly unwound the cord that was wrapped tightly around his neck and had tightened with each contraction. A few more and he would have strangled, and as she loosened the last of it the baby let out a loud wail and everyone in the room breathed and the doctor smiled. “Good one. How many times?”
In His Father's Footsteps Page 25
