by Robert Lopez
My new wife has never been anywhere other than Atlantic City for the past five years. I’m not sure where she was before that. I did ask once. I said, Where are you from? And she said, I’m not proud of this. Sometimes Eastern Europeans talk this way, so I think that’s what she is, where she’s from. It can mean almost anything, so I decided to drop it. Another thing people don’t know about me is my intuition and how sharp it is. I told her it wasn’t important. I told her the only important thing was our everlasting devotion. She agreed by getting behind the wheel and driving north to Piscataway. This is yet another reason she is doing the driving, and it works out, so I can do the looking. She wouldn’t know what to look for and also she doesn’t like responsibility, I don’t think. I can’t claim this as fact, but I’ve picked up on such. There’s only so much you can learn about a person in four days, so at this point it’s all suspicion and extrapolation, which is as close to intuition as you can get sometimes. I do, however, know plenty about myself, but only when it comes to poker. I know I don’t like to play suited connectors out of position and that I’m best at the three-bet. I can play back at anyone who tries to bully me. This is how I met my new wife, at the table. I raised preflop with an ace-ten of spades and she played back at me. So I reraised and put her all in. I was surprised when she called with a pair of nines, but sometimes Eastern Europeans play fast and loose like that. I caught an ace on the turn and that was that until an hour or so later when I saw her crying at the bar.
Another reason she is doing the driving is I don’t have a valid driver’s license. It was revoked last year, I’m pretty sure. I think it was for my third DUI, which is a night I’d like to remember. I know that’s a reason they revoke licenses, the third strike, so to speak. Otherwise, I let the license lapse and never renewed it. I’m not sure which is true in this instance. It could be that I’ve lost my license both ways over the years. It is like me to ignore things I have to do, like renew driver’s licenses, pay the heating bill, rent, insurance. Sometimes I forget to call my sister. It’s not that I forget to return her calls because she’s never called me on the telephone or dropped by in person. I’ve learned not to take this personally, though I’m sure it’s personal. I’m sure she holds me responsible for something and there’s no getting over it. Maybe it’s the monkey bars. Maybe she thinks I’m the one who tripped her. Even still, I have it in my head to call her every so often, check in. I like to know she’s okay, that she’s still living some kind of life. This is one reason we’re driving around Piscataway, trying to find her. I also want to introduce her to my new wife, show her that people can be happy with other people. I’ve never liked driving myself and my new wife can drive just fine, which is probably strange for an Eastern European. I didn’t ask if she had a valid license, but I’m sure she does. And when I say I’m sure I mean I hope she has a valid license. If we get pulled over here in Piscataway and she gets busted for driving without a license I can foresee a chain of events that conclude with her deportation back to Poland or Slovakia and my ending up on my sister’s couch for a couple of months, dodging bows and drinking tea and slipping brochures under her bedroom door.
My new wife is a marvel of Eastern European design. She has the hair and the eyes and the cheekbones that protrude three paces ahead of her and that way of walking around the world like it’s an absolute pleasure or at least better than the gulag. I saw her crying at the bar and it was maybe two or three drinks before we were engaged to be married. Then it was up and down the boardwalk, sharing ice-cream cones and cotton candy. There have been a few hiccups, to be sure, a few misunderstandings, given the cultural divide. There was the time we were out walking and I’d assumed the inside position, so that she was on my left. She said to me, out of nowhere, she said, Do you think I am a whore? Of course, I had no idea what was happening. We were out walking, neither of us had said anything for about a mile or so. I was probably thinking about the rest of the tournament, if I was thinking about anything at all. I’d been knocked out shortly after I’d eliminated my new wife. I went all in with kings and ran up against aces. This happens, there’s nothing you can do. I said, What, to my new wife, and she said, You heard me. I said, I don’t think I heard correctly, and she said, This is my fault. At this point we’d stopped walking and I had my hands on her shoulders. It felt like maybe she wanted to kick me in the groin. I asked, Do I think you are a whore? Is that what you said? She said, This is the question. After asking what the hell she was talking about, she finally explained what it means if you walk and the woman is on your left.
As if life wasn’t hard enough.
My new wife holds her own at the poker table, though. Maybe she’s too much of a gambler, but she’s talented, dangerous. She and I haven’t talked about poker too much since the wedding. I do know she is concerned about money. I’ve heard her talking about not having any money at all, about being broke as Polish jokes, about being hungry as a child and how this can never happen again. She asks me how much money I have saved, if I own a house somewhere. I tell her I have a house in Vermont and that I might take her there sometime. She says she cannot wait for this, that she loves the mountains, so I tell her that we can go up to Vermont after we visit with my sister. She talks about rich American doctors and lawyers and how they think they can play poker. I think she thinks I’m one of these. She says that she can’t believe how lucky she is that she met me. I feel like a million dollars when she says this. I haven’t said anything about being a doctor or lawyer, but I’ve decided that it doesn’t matter. So far she hasn’t paid for anything and I’ve decided this doesn’t matter, either. I’m not sure exactly how our lives will work once we get back to it. I imagine we’ll find a place together. I’ve been living in a hotel and I’m not sure what her situation is, where she lives, what exactly her hustle is. I know she has a hustle, they all do. I think I remember her mentioning a roommate, maybe she’s in on it, too. They could be working girls, high-end. You can’t tell. The very first thing I asked her was if I could take her home, on account of her being upset. This was before buying that first drink at the bar and falling in love. She said, I don’t like this idea. I asked what idea she might like, and she said, A drink with fruit inside it and then another one after that.
So now we are in Piscataway or someplace that looks like Piscataway or how I imagine Piscataway should look. My new wife isn’t impressed. She says things like, Why you bring me to this pit? Why you bring me someplace like Piscataway? I tell her about the park with the trees and brook and the blue jays. I tell her it’s pretty here. I tell her that she should meet my sister, that I think they have a lot in common. I tell her about the tea and cello. I say that family is important. I tell her if things get bad we can always steal the cello and pawn it for good money. I tell her that my sister is an easy mark. My new wife doesn’t react when I say this. She could be holding anything at this point, a high pair or rags.
I decide to tell her some stories about my sister, how she used to be a concert cellist but was injured in a playground mishap. I tell her a little boy tripped her and we don’t know if it was an accident or not. I tell her that my sister had two children but they were taken by the state on account of her being an unfit mother. I tell her about the drug use and the prostitution. Still, I say, she is a good person with a good heart and we shouldn’t judge her. I tell my new wife that she will love my sister and they will grow to be great friends. I tell my new wife that my sister needs this as much as she does. This is when I suggest we pull over, get something to eat, stretch our legs. My new wife wants to check into a hotel so we can watch TV. So far we’ve watched hours of TV every night before going to sleep sometime around 4:00 a.m. The truth is, we haven’t even consummated our marriage yet. Every time I try, she says she is trying to watch something or that she doesn’t like this idea. I explain to her that this is what married people do in this country, and she says, Everything about this is a problem. I want to ask what this means, but I don’t. Instead I go out and
get her chips. She likes chips, calls them cheeps, eats them straight from the bag, one at a time.
What no one knows is that it doesn’t take much for me to fall in love and get married. With my new wife, it’s how she pronounces cheeps and the rest of her broken English and how she peeks down past those cheekbones at her hole cards, like she doesn’t want them to know she’s looking. How she looks devastated when I tell her something she doesn’t like and how after I say something nice a smile comes exploding from the bottom of her face and she kisses me hard on the cheek. She can go from inconsolable to affectionate in seconds and I don’t care if she’s just biding her time as long as she does this every so often. The others all had their own private wonders unique to them, too. I can’t help myself when it comes to women sometimes. This probably speaks to something fundamental about who I am as a person, but I try not to think about it. Or if I do, I only try to see how it might connect to poker.
I tell her we should keep driving around, that it’ll be dark soon. I ask if we can give it another hour, that if we can’t find my sister’s house in another hour, we’ll find a hotel and watch TV and eat chips. Then tomorrow we’ll go up to Vermont and live happily ever after. She tells me this is her dream. She says I should call my sister to see if she’s home, but I don’t have her new phone number. The last time I tried to call there was an automated voice saying the number I had dialed had been disconnected. I’m not sure when this was, if it was before or after I’d visited her last, the time she played the cello and we went for a walk. My sister hasn’t met any of my wives. I have a dim memory of calling her after I got married the first time with the intention of telling her the news, but all she could talk about were the drapes and how they were giving her all kinds of trouble.
Essentials
THERE WERE TOO MANY PEOPLE there when it happened so I’ve decided to cut some of them. Arthur Wheeler was present but had nothing to do with it. Gil Figgitz was whittling with his fly open again, dementia worsening, so he’s out. All June Harrison does is occupy space and too much of it at that and this was no exception. Likewise husband, Bill. I know for a fact Judy Jakker wanted nothing to do with it—she said so in that ridiculous European accent of hers—so out of respect for Judy, I’ll say she wasn’t even there. Betty Lager is an easy cut, despite the jean shorts and pedicured toes. Frank Pugo shouldn’t have been mixed up in this in the first place and his role, from what I understand, was minimal. William Shedd doesn’t need this kind of recognition, given his situation. As far as Harriet Dovovich is concerned, it’s best to leave well enough alone. Diego Goldstein wasn’t there at all, but he’s my friend and he’d be excited to see his name included. Dottie Western was there, but only for a few minutes. She left her turquoise Indian bracelet so I have to remember to call her. Pugo’s mother was there—I remember seeing her—but I don’t think she was involved, although it wouldn’t surprise me. I’d like to say Bennie Mangine was there and responsible for the whole thing, but I’d be lying. Next door Jill probably had something to do with it, but I’ve been trying to get her to watch me from her bedroom window at night and we’re in the latter stages of negotiations. Considering what Jenn Untermeyer did for me the night of Bill Shedd’s going-away party, there’s no way I can put her in the middle of this. Along those same lines, Grace Heaney gets a pass, too. Of course, Sam Marichino was in it up to his ears, but given his condition . . . Dale Sween has always known about discretion and valor. Fran Pollo was acting awfully strange. Maybe she’ll stay in, I’m not sure. She let me feel her up when we were sixteen so I’m sure I owe her something. Denise Livingston never seemed quite right to me. Her eyes are far apart and she is always bumping into things. It’s as if she can only muster an inconsequential peripheral vision. Sal Gonzalez saved my ass once. Maybe the train wouldn’t have killed me, but there’s no way of knowing. So regardless that all the evidence points to Sal, I could never name him. At any rate, those are the people I’m cutting. I’m not sure if it’ll make a difference. By the time the cops got there, it was out of our hands. I’m not sure who called them. I was contemplating Next-door Jill’s counteroffer when someone tapped me on the shoulder. There were two of them. The one with the mustache said, What’s the problem here? I said, There’s no problem, and looked him in the eye. It’s best if you look them in the eye. Then he said, Well, someone has a problem. I said nothing. It’s best if you can look them in the eye and say nothing at the same time. Then they both noticed what had happened in the living room. The other one said, Does it have something to do . . . with . . . I said, Yes, Officer, it does.
Good People
ONE OF THEM, the one who is driving, says, Pussy’s pussy, and looks at the other one, the one in the passenger seat. It’s a kind of challenge.
The other says, Pussy is not pussy.
The two work together and are considered good people. That’s how they were introduced. Their boss is the one who introduced them this way, palming each on the shoulder as the two shook hands, both uneasy about this particular introduction, the intimate and public nature of it, the informality, the three of them all touching one another in the middle of the office like that, neither of the two looking the other in the eye, both noting the other’s grip, one limp and ladylike, the other deliberately firm, like he was trying to inflict pain, like he had something to prove.
One is tall and the other short. They both have hair and eyes and wear suits and shoes. Although they both are good, they are not friends.
The one driving, the one who says that pussy’s pussy, is recently married. The woman he married works as a receptionist for a dentist. She is a good woman. She was born and raised in Wisconsin. She has alabaster skin. She is hoping to become pregnant soon and is unaware of her husband’s thoughts on the similarity of female genitalia.
The one driving turns the radio down and says, Then what is it, then?
The one in the passenger seat says, You have to open your eyes, man. The answer’s obvious.
The one in the passenger seat is not married, never has been, and probably never will be. He does not have any siblings or close friends. He considers himself average in every respect and most agree he is correct in this, as he is neither handsome nor unhandsome, bright nor dull, witty nor humorless. He talks to his mother on the phone every day, roughly the same time every day. He tries to eat vegetables every day. There are other things he does every day, but they aren’t worth noting.
The two of them are on their way to a meeting across town.
The one driving will buy his wife flowers once a month. Dendrobium orchids are her favorites, and he made an effort to remember this the first time she told him. They were at a restaurant when this conversation took place. It was their second encounter. Certainly there was wine, an appetizer, salads, entrées, dessert, premature emissions from both parties. At one point she said, Surely there has to be, and he agreed.
Later they retreated to separate corners. The following week nothing in the world happened for either. Rather, they both slept, showered, maintained personal hygiene. They worked, ordered lunch, and commuted home, checked mail, exercised, watched television, roamed and repeated daily, but not with each other or in consultation. Both thought of the other, alone at night, and periodically through the day, wondering this or that, wondering if the other was likewise alone at night, up beneath the blankets, not sleeping, maybe getting out of bed to turn on an air conditioner or a sound machine, something that would make noise, take up space, provide a distraction, still wondering what the other might be doing and with whom, both thinking ultimately it was none of their business, that there was no actual bond between them, spoken or unspoken, no implied covenant, but still there was something, though perhaps it wasn’t mutual, perhaps it was entirely one-sided, but even still, they wondered if the other was up wondering the same things, still curious, still uncertain but excited, still hopeful. Both considered calling the other but then reconsidered. One or the other maybe even picking up the telephone, ma
ybe even dialing the first few numbers, but in the end doing nothing, putting the phone back down, thinking it inappropriate, too forward. Both consulted friends on the next best move throughout the week and were confused by what they heard, how they were counseled. Then, finally, one did call the other, deciding enough was enough, and after a few false starts and the requisite back-and-forth, they came to terms.
