I felt the heat of his hand wrap around my wrist gently, so light it seemed to be just a brush of his fingers. But the warmth flooded through me and I was lost in his deep eyes once more as he drew close once more. His hand on me should have scared me, but the gentle manner to which he held me put me at ease. Again I felt an odd sense of being safe near him.
"Thank you, Kate. Your kindness towards me is too much. I do nothing but offend, and yet you return with such charity and selflessness. I only wish I could return it," he murmured, looking away towards the darkness.
I turned towards him and touched his arm tentatively, feeling his skin quiver under my fingertips and hearing his breath intake with a stutter. When his eyes drew up to mine, there was something there, something I could not quite discern. It was something akin to longing.
"I’m happy to do it, Nathan. It is something I can do, and not feel like an outsider in your world," I said.
He stepped away again, his hand falling away from me. He let out another soft breath before looking off towards the Berger house, nodding as if to himself. He was resigned again.
"You should go. You are an outsider, and it is not a wise choice to sneak away, in your world or mine," he said and took another determined step back towards his door.
I blinked at his words, feeling a deeper meaning to them, even if he did not mean it as such. In that moment I was sure he understood all too well. I would not be there for him because I didn’t belong, and that no matter what we might feel, it was something that could not be. Perhaps he understood more than I did.
No matter the beauty of his poetry.
He understood and had better scruples than I to keep a distance.
No matter what his eyes were saying as I watched him take another step away.
"Good night, Nathan," I said and made to leave.
"A pleasant sleep, Kate," he replied in a whisper.
I made my way back up the hill, glancing back every few moments to see him still in the doorway, watching me as I retreated. The plate of food in his hand was untouched even as I lost sight of him when I descended the hill towards the Berger house. I ran the rest of the way, a little frightened on my own in the dark. Somehow I had felt safe as Nathan watched me climb the hill. I let out a soft sigh of relief when I closed the door quietly behind me, pulling my shoes off to sneak back up the stairs.
I expected Jonah or Fannie to intercept me before I reached the bedroom, but there was no one to greet me after my excursion. I quietly closed the door to the bedroom and stripped once more. But as I slid into bed and made to blow out the candle, Emma's voice made me pause.
"Safe journey?" she whispered.
I smiled at her closed eyes.
"I have no idea what you're talking about," I replied softly.
She smiled but kept her eyes closed.
"Sunrise will arrive sooner than you wish it. You will want to be rested for your second day. Perhaps we might have a guest at breakfast tomorrow," she said, her grin widening when she opened her eyes to regard my blush.
"Good night then, Emma. I'll never fall asleep with you talking," I teased.
I blew out the candle and settled in, still too confused to sleep.
I could still feel his hand on my arm, and the scent I now associated with Nathan still lingered in the air around me. I wondered if he was in his bed, with the freshly laundered sheets I had cleaned for him, and if maybe he was thinking of me. Or would he be up all night writing? Would I find a new poem in his home the next time I cleaned? I was already thinking about next time. Would I stay a little longer, just to see if he felt anything?
Would it matter? He seemed to know whatever attraction there was simply couldn’t be.
But what if?
I let out a soft sigh when Emma interrupted my thoughts in the darkness.
"Of course, we must explain how Nathan's plate disappeared from the refrigerator."
"Will Fannie be upset?"
She was quiet a moment before responding.
"She will see God at work, not to worry. Pleasant dreams, Katherine.”
"Pleasant dreams, Emma. And thank you."
I listened to her breathing slow, taking in the summer quiet as I slowly drifted into slumber, with his soft voice ringing in my head.
Nathan Fisher definitely had a hold on me.
I drifted off to the warm feeling of his touch on my arm and the look of longing on his face as he watched me go. There had to be something there.
I just had no idea if it was worth the leap to stay a while longer.
Chapter 6
I knew it was early.
It felt like I had just fallen asleep. I'd slept poorly, the anticipation of seeing Nathan playing idly in my head. The more I thought of him, the more nervous I became to see him at breakfast. It would be the first time I would be able to interact with him with others present. How would he act towards me?
Aloof? Distant once more?
I knew there was something there. The poem had said it clearly. His soft touch confirmed he was just as drawn to me as I was to him. Even when he retreated from me, I could see the want in his face. It was something different than I had seen in Sean’s face. It seemed a lonely and conflicted desire to not be alone anymore. Not the lustful air Sean gave off.
The night had been spent wondering what it would be like to stay and discover that gentler side I had seen in his eyes, the same as Jonah towards Fannie. But I was learning that just being attracted to someone did not permit you to pursue that person in this community. And I was not just anyone.
I was an outsider. An English.
It would be wrong for me to pursue him, I knew. But Emma pushed me to bring him his meal. Fannie smiled at the way I blushed around him. Perhaps it was not so taboo to be interested in the beautiful Amish man. As the precious few hours slipped away from me, I thought about him more and what could happen.
What was I doing?
I would be gone in a day or two. They wouldn’t let me stay.
This was nonsense.
But his touch, and his eyes on me confused me.
Round and round my mind whirled around deep green, until my head ached and my eyes crossed and a small hand jostled me lightly. My heavy eyelids slowly opened to the dim smiling face of my sleeping partner. I knew I had to get up and start the day; milk cows, feed pigs or whatever else they had planned for me. But the bed was warm and I had just fallen asleep.
"I've drawn you a bath, Katherine. Come, before Father sends us on some chore. You want to be fresh for today, and the bath will wake you," she whispered, jostling me once more.
I fumbled getting out of bed, my legs asleep and sore from all the walking the day before. Emma led me into the adjacent room, a small bathroom with a claw foot tub and small commode. I stripped and climbed into the tub, the water still warm. Instantly I felt the aches and pains wash away, and I hummed in appreciation over the healing water that smelled like delicate flowers. I allowed myself only a short soak, not wanting to appear too indulgent. I scrubbed my skin until it was pink, and dug into my bag to find my favorite shampoo.
Clean and dried off, I slipped back into my room to find a fresh dress lying on the bed. I got into it quickly, beginning to finally understand the hooks before I pulled my hair into a soft braid that I then wrapped around to hide it under the cover. I hoped I had cleaned up well; it was difficult to know without a mirror. Taking a deep breath, I quietly made my way down the stairs and towards the kitchen.
We repeated the same chores as we had the morning before, and I found I was gaining some expertise in milking the cows. At least I sprayed the milk less out of the jug and more in the jug, and Abigail lectured me less in how to do it, much to my enjoyment. She was very friendly and always smiling, but her skills far surpassed mine and I had to wonder when she had first started milking cows.
I looked towards the hill that hid Nathan’s house and tried not to be disappointed when I didn’t see him there. He didn’t come for breakf
ast, much to Fannie’s dismay, and perhaps my own. Hannah seemed to watch me over her glass and every time I glanced her way, she would smirk and look away. I had to wonder if she had seen me walk to Nathan’s the night before or if she suspected something. Emma remained quiet about the missing plate, and Fannie didn’t bring it up. Instead she instructed us on preparing foods for the Frolic.
"We need to make some bread and desserts Katherine, would you like to help me in the kitchen this morning?" Fannie asked as I helped to clean up.
"I wouldn't know what to make. I like to make pie, but I don’t know what you might like."
"I love pie! Oh will you, Katherine?" Abigail asked loudly.
I looked from her to Fannie, pointedly ignoring Hannah and her dramatic sigh by the sink.
"What kind of pies do you like?" I asked, wondering if maybe I could make my Gran's apple pie.
Did they even have everything I needed?
Suddenly I was nervous to do what I loved best.
"The blackberry vines are bursting," Fannie said as she pulled out ingredients from her cupboard.
"And we just picked some of the first apples from our tree. Can you make apple pie? I will cut them for you!" Emma asked, her eyes begging.
I laughed, the fears I had felt from earlier beginning to fade in my memory at Emma and Abigail’s excitement. Of course, Hannah knew how to break the camaraderie with a loud groan and throaty laugh.
"Apple would be perfect. Very symbolic, Katherine. Of course we can always go with cherry," she mused, closing her mouth when she noticed Fannie's warning glare.
"That will be quite enough, Hannah! You can gather the blackberries. Fill the bucket please," Fannie ordered and all but shoved Hannah out of the kitchen.
I stood there, uncomfortable with the conversation made over pie. I just wanted to help. There was no symbolism in pie.
Emma pulled me out of my dark thoughts.
"Do not worry over Hannah. She is nervous about starting her own life away from home. It is no secret she is not one made for the kitchen," Emma said soothingly, and pulled me over towards the sink.
"I just don't want to cause trouble," I mumbled and swallowed hard at the thought of finding my own way back in my world.
At least here, Hannah would have the support of her family.
I couldn’t depend on my family save perhaps my sister, who must be worried about me. I hadn’t been able to contact her since she had sent me that warning text. My father would no doubt be upset I had not surfaced.
And then there was Sean.
Was he still around, or had he left? Was it safe for me to leave yet?
Why did the idea of leaving make me unbearably melancholy?
"So Katherine?” Fannie exclaimed with a bright smile as she walked back inside. “I will make the bread pudding and milk pie if you will help me make the fruit pies.”
I nodded and remained quiet as I took in the ingredients Fannie had pulled out. Lard, flour, salt, sugar, spices and as I took it all in Fannie pulled out bowls and a rolling pin. She smiled a little wider when she took in my soft smile.
"I take it you know how to make a proper crust?" she asked.
"You could say I’m an expert at making pie. It's something I love to do," I said proudly and took the tools from her as well as the apron she handed me.
She watched me with an appraising eye for a moment, checking on my measurements before moving away to start her bread pudding. I was fast learning that the Amish loved bread. And anything that could be reused found its way into a new meal. The bread pudding took the mornings bread and made a raisin and cinnamon baked dessert.
We worked quietly, laughing now and again when Abigail would steal an apple that Emma cut. Hannah came in shortly after with a large pail full of ripe blackberries and handed them to me before stalking off, volunteering to gather up chairs and blankets for the day. I felt a moment's frustration at her attitude, but washed it away just as I washed the berries, preparing them for the first round of pies to be baked.
Fannie watched me a little more closely as I rolled out three crusts for the blackberry pies, nodding when I added the right amount of sugar and lemon juice. I was a little nervous, I'll admit. My mother had never watched me when I baked. But Fannie truly seemed interested in how I managed around the kitchen. And I would admit, I showed off a little when I added the top crust with little overlaid crust leaves on top, sealing it with a light egg wash. Even Emma was impressed.
"You make it look so pretty. I will not want to eat it," she giggled and helped me place it into the heated oven.
Turning back to the table, I pulled out the next batch of dough balls for the apple pies and set to rolling them out. Fannie took that time to settle in beside me and roll out her crust for her pie as well. She was quiet as we labored, the kitchen already starting to grow warm with the morning sunlight and the heated oven. When she finally spoke, we were just starting to form the crust into the next line of pie plates.
"You seem to enjoy baking, Katherine. It is not a common practice for girls your age in your world, yes?" she asked softly.
I shrugged and worked a little harder at the mixing up the apples into the sugar and cinnamon.
"No, I just found I loved to bake. I wanted to go to school for baking, but Sean," I started, only to close my mouth tight and frown into the apple-laden bowl. I could feel my heart thumping hard just at mention of his name.
"Your Sean did not approve of you learning to bake?"
I shook my head and let out a low laugh.
"No, he just didn't want me to do it for other people," I replied, spooning the apples into my crusts to distract myself from the fear I could feel welling up inside.
"Is Sean your betrothed?" she asked softly.
I shook my head again vehemently.
"He was my boyfriend. Not really my betrothed as you think of it, but he was rather possessive of me," I said, glancing at her cautiously.
Would she understand what I meant without having to tell my story?
She simply nodded as she continued with her custard pie. She did not ask and I felt relieved to not answer. They’d want to know eventually, but for now they were being patient. They respected my silence.
But they would ask, I knew.
I made the same fancy embellishment on the top of my apple pies and set them into the oven over the blackberry pies, which were nearly done. Glancing out the window it looked to be still early in the morning, perhaps a couple of hours after dawn. At home I would be just getting up, starting my day. Here, I had already eaten and made half a dozen pies.
I thought again of my sister and I wondered if my cell phone had service this far out. I needed to call her. I excused myself for a moment, sneaking back upstairs to my backpack. Digging around, I found my phone buried deep in the bottom. Turning it on, I sighed in frustration at the lack of service and shut it back down. I'd have to go into town to make my call to let her know I was all right and somehow figure out my next move.
Surely Sean would be gone. It had been three days. I made the decision then that I would leave tomorrow. I closed up my bag and shoved it back under the bed before turning to find Emma in the doorway, her large eyes sad.
"You cannot leave yet."
I blinked at her words.
Had I spoken my thoughts out loud?
"What do you mean?" I asked cautiously.
She came into the room a little further, her arms folded tightly across her chest.
"You are thinking of leaving us. You cannot leave yet. Please," she whispered. Her plea was so genuine; all I could do was nod. She grasped my hand and pulled me back downstairs, her voice a whisper as she led me back into the kitchen.
"You have much to experience still, Katherine. And you have a reason for being here, I am sure of it," she said with a smile. Again my thoughts leapt to the Amish man, and then to his discomfort around me.
"I'm hiding like a coward, Emma. There is nothing special about that," I replied as we
came back into the kitchen. Fannie caught the tail end of our conversation and frowned.
"There is hiding and there is fleeing, Katherine. I have a suspicion it is more the latter in your case," she said and started removing the blackberry pies from the oven to make room for her bread pudding and custard pies. When she turned back to me, I saw the question in her eyes.
"So Katherine, which is it? Are you hiding to avoid your duties to your life, or are you fleeing for your safety?" she asked directly.
I felt the table against my back as I leaned against it, suddenly very weary. I looked away from Fannie's worried gaze and let out a long breath, preparing to detail my life and why I was running away. Somehow I knew they would see me for a coward and admonish me for not staying strong in my relationship with Sean. I should have toughed it out. When I looked up into her eyes again, they had softened.
"Is he bad for you?" she asked.
I swallowed the lump in my throat and shook my head.
"He wasn't always like he is now. He used to be sweet and loving. But things changed after we started dating and after he graduated from high school. He changed," I began, not sure how much I really wanted to tell them. They remained silent while I gathered up the courage to talk about Sean Miller.
"I've known Sean since I was little. He’s my father’s best friend’s son, so we spent a lot of time together. It was simply the next step when we started to date. He and I had a lot in common. His mother had left them shortly before my own mother died in a traffic accident. It wasn’t until later that Sean became abusive,” I said, letting my eyes drop to my fidgeting fingers before me.
"I am sorry for the loss of your mother. That must be difficult for you, to be without her. To have someone to go to when you found he was hurtful," Fannie replied softly.
I figured the story of my mother could wait. It was difficult enough to discuss Sean and his ways. The fact that my mother was distant and the opposite of what Fannie was as a mother was a discussion for another time.
"I was never really close to my mother. My sister and I took care of each other. When she left for school, I had to stand on my own.”
Healing Faith Page 7
