Fannie held me close, nodding in agreement with her husband.
“You should contact your sister. She must be worried,” Fannie said.
I nodded and thought on that.
“I don’t want him to have a way to trace me back to here,” I started, thinking about my phone and again how Sean had found me so easily. “I should probably go into town and call her to let her know I am alright. I just don’t know if he is still there.”
“It has been a week, with God’s grace he has left,” Jonah said and scratched at his beard in thought. “We must go to town tomorrow. We can take you then.”
“Thank you,” I murmured. “I don’t know how to repay you for everything you’ve done. I’ve felt more at home and at peace here than my own home.”
Fannie’s smile widened and she glanced at Jonah.
"We live by kindness and peace, Katherine. That is what we know. We do not start our life until we have chosen the path. You came here because you needed a path to find. Perhaps it is God’s way of telling you that you have found yours,” she said and turned to busy herself in the kitchen. Jonah watched me thoughtfully for a moment, as if contemplating something serious.
"You have had much to process these last few days. You have enjoyed it here?” he asked over his coffee.
I smiled as I thought about all I had done. And whom I had met.
“I have enjoyed it here. I feel like I am accomplishing something when I’m here,” I replied.
"Then we shall enjoy having you here with us a while longer," Jonah replied with a smile and rose to walk out the back door, heading for the barn. I helped with breakfast, my heart a little lighter in the knowledge I had a place to be for the time being.
Nathan didn’t come to visit for breakfast, much to Fannie’s frustration. Jonah remained quiet, but I sensed his worry as well. I caught him watching me with that thoughtful air over his coffee before he let out a sigh and stood to start his work.
I had helped Fannie with clearing the dishes and setting them back in the cupboard when we heard voices and hard footfalls in the hall before turning to see Mark and Jonah returning to the kitchen. Mark’s face was flushed, as if he had come from running.
Jonah grabbed a bag by the door and turned to Fannie.
"The Bishop's daughter has gone into labor, and it appears to be breech. I will need your help Fannie. We must leave this moment," he said hurriedly.
I watched as Fannie leapt in to action, tugging her apron off in an instant. She gathered up a basket and turned to us.
"I am sorry, you will need to finish up here, girls. The garden needs tending, as well as the chickens. We may be delayed. You must take care of things while we are gone," she said and followed after her husband.
Mark touched Hannah's cheek lightly before following after, leaving us in the quiet of their departure. We heard the buggy pull away just as Hannah turned to look at us, scowling.
"I am not doing all the chores today. Mind the animals while Abigail and I see to the garden," she snapped and left through the back door, leaving Emma and I alone in the kitchen.
Emma sighed and shook her head sadly.
"I wanted to show you around today. I suppose it will have to wait. I will tend to the stalls. Mother made Nathan a plate that you can take to him. I am sure he is hungry," she said, grinning when she took in my awkward frown.
"I don’t think he’d like me just showing up," I started.
Emma groaned and moved to the refrigerator, grabbing the plate and shoving it into my hands. She raised her eyebrow at me when I made to push it back towards her.
"Mother would have taken you there anyway this morning, the way she was acting at the table," she explained. "Besides, you have matters to discuss with Nathan."
My mouth dropped open and my eyes widened at her words. She laughed and pushed me towards the door.
"Emma, how do you figure?" I asked, doubting how I could ever hide anything from this family.
She laughed again and squeezed me tight as we walked out together.
"Katherine, I can read people. When they make a decision, their body language changes," she explained. Then she giggled and blushed.
"You also talk in your sleep," she quipped and skipped off the kitchen porch on her way to the barn, leaving me on the steps, gaping at her mischief.
I shook my head in wonder at her outgoing nature and started up the hill towards Nathan's house following the well-worn path between the houses. I had to wonder if Nathan shared all his meals with the Bergers.
At least before me.
I sighed at the silly notion that Emma and little Abigail had put into my head about Nathan. If he liked me, then why didn’t he come to meals?
I crested the hill and immediately caught sight of Nathan, the black hat a striking beacon as I watched him pulling bundles of hay off of a wagon and toss it near the entrance to his barn. He held strange metal hooks in his hands that grabbed at the tight bundles, allowing him to grip them easier before hauling them off the wagon and through the air. He seemed to toss them effortlessly, his arms never seeming to tire, even with the weight of the bundles and the heat of the morning, already causing the sweat to stain his clean shirt along his back. As always, I noticed just how elegantly he moved as he twisted and tossed, his lean form reminding me of how hard he worked, all alone here on his farm.
He noticed me as I neared, tossing one last bundle of hay and wiping at his forehead before tossing the hooks up into the wagon. He didn’t pause in his work to greet me; he jumped up into the back to drag the deeper bales closer to the edge where he could toss them off unceremoniously. I stopped just out of throwing distance and waited quietly as I watched him work. He was silent as he labored, his eyebrows tight, glancing over only once before frowning and returning to the task.
That quick frown was enough to make me question why I had come. His silence seemed to confirm what I had thought the day before. The Bishop did not approve, and had told Nathan just that. Of course Nathan had listened. Gone was the soft smile and tentative glances from the Frolic. Now there were tight lips and a furrowed brow. Today there was a stiff back and a determination to ignore me.
I contemplated turning and dropping the plate onto his porch, so that I could run away once more. But I was tired of running. I glanced at the porch, wondering if he would follow when I heard him clear his throat near me. I turned to find him standing in front of me, looking down with a glare that seemed to be fighting a maelstrom of emotions, all dark.
"Pleasant morning, Katherine," he said low.
Katherine.
Just in a name I seemed to have my answer in how he felt towards me.
"Good morning, Nathan," I said, my voice much stronger than I felt. I was trembling on the inside.
"Did Fannie send you? I have already broken fast. She need not dote on me," he said. His voice was gravelly as he spoke, as if he were fighting to keep his voice measured.
"She was called away. But she wanted to bring this for you," I replied, deciding that the partial truth was probably best.
He didn't seem interested in the plate in my hands, and certainly didn't seem excited to see me with it. He looked away towards the way I had come and nodded, his lips pursed tightly.
"I appreciate your selfless spirit to look after me, Katherine. Please thank Fannie when you see her next. Would you leave the plate in the kitchen? You undoubtedly know where to find it, yes?" he asked, pointedly staring down at his gloved hands.
I blinked at the harshness of his words, so unlike the day before.
"Of course," I murmured and turned to head back to his house, my breath hard to find as I made my way up the steps to his house.
I went directly to the kitchen and set the plate into his refrigerator, not wanting it to spoil. Looking around as I made my way back out, I noticed not much had changed since I had last been inside. There were no dishes mislaid, not even a crumb on the table. I wondered if he had been truthful in that he had eaten.
As I walked past the small table in the sitting room, my heart sank at the sight of the bare tabletop.
Not a note out of place, or a paper resting there. Had he thrown out the poem?
I didn't linger to find out.
He was still where I had left him when I walked back out, his eyes on me as he watched me walk back towards him. When I drew close, his cold gaze faltered and once again he looked down towards his hands. We were quiet for a moment, an awkward silence that seemed to stretch on forever before he finally straightened and stepped back away from me.
"I have much to do today. A pleasant day to you, Katherine. Please offer my thanks to Fannie," he announced and turned back to the stack of hay, grabbing the farthest one and strode in the barn with it, not waiting for me to respond.
I stood there dumbly until he came out and took the second bale inside, never looking my way as he moved. He had effectively dismissed me and I was standing there like an idiot waiting for more humiliation.
I turned from him and strode in the opposite direction, back to the Bergers. With the hope of being able to stay with them, I had set myself up thinking there was truly something there between Nathan and myself. Only there was not. The Bishop, someone he probably looked up to, had reminded him of our differences. I was a stranger, and he would of course see the error of his ways when someone opened his eyes.
It still destroyed me.
I should have known better.
I was halfway up the hill when I heard a loud rustling behind me. Not used to the sounds of the farm I hurried my pace, afraid of something coming at me in the stalks of corn. I trudged through the uncut wild grass, hoping to shorten the distance between the Bergers and me. I heard a muffled exclamation and whirled around just as Nathan burst through the corn to my left, his face red and his body winded from the pursuit.
"Please, Kate. Wait," he panted.
I turned away from him and started back up the hill, struggling with the skirt and the tall grass that wrapped around my feet as I tried to speed up.
"You made yourself clear, Nathan," I said as I struggled to stay ahead of him as I fled.
"Kate, please just a moment to explain," he begged and reached out for me.
The feeling of radiating heat from his hands as they wrapped around my waist and pulled me back to him made me falter. I felt him against me, a burning solid mass against my back as he held me gently. His breath blew across my neck, the scent of hay and soap causing my nose to burn slightly as I inhaled deeply. He breathed in as well, a soft sigh sounding against my ear before he pulled away slightly, turning me around to face him. One hand ghosting along my hip, the other cradling my shoulder, he seemed to understand I needed tenderness instead of force. His fingers held me so loosely, as if he were afraid to grasp too hard.
If he only knew how his light touch affected me.
So unlike Sean's forceful grip, Nathan's was like a caress.
And his eyes held so much emotion as he looked down at me, asking me.
Asking me for what?
"Kate, forgive me," he whispered and let his eyes close as he took another deep breath.
Perhaps it was the plea in his voice, the question in his eyes before they slid shut. Or maybe it was the alluring way he held me close that made me react.
I don’t know. I only know that I was a magnet to him, from the first moment I had stumbled into his life. And every touch from him seemed to set off my senses to wanting to be closer to him. I felt myself leaning in a dreamlike haziness. He stood there, the heat of him radiating into me as my head strained up towards his. My hands moved up and touched his cheeks reverently just as my lips reached his, partially open as they breathed in the air around us.
The instant my lips touched his, a tingling flush rushed through my body. He gasped and trembled between my hands, as if to pull away, but his hands gripped me a little harder. His eyes shot open, looking down at me in surprise when I pulled away slightly. He darted a glance from my eyes to my lips, turmoil raging in the darkness of them. I could feel the heaviness of his breath as it washed over my cheeks. He seemed undecided as to what to do.
Push me away or continue what we had been doing?
Daring to take the chance, I pulled myself up on tiptoe once more, my lips connecting to his quivering ones with a little more pressure. Nathan shook against me, this time a soft moan escaping his lips as they tentatively moved with mine, mimicking as I tasted him carefully. My fingertips traced along his jaw, at the smoothness there of an early morning shave until I traced up to thread into his hair along the nape of his neck. His bottom lip found its way between my teeth, and I sucked him in gently before releasing his lip slowly.
He tasted like apples.
Forbidden fruit?
Perhaps in this instance.
He moaned again and staggered a step towards me, his hands gripping me a little more possessively, clinging to me as if he might fall. His lips, so soft and full as they captured mine, seemed to learn quickly, and sucked in my bottom lip as I had done to him a second before. When he released it, he sighed and moved to reclaim my mouth eagerly as his breathing became more ragged through his flared nose.
Another moan as I touched my tongue hesitantly to his lips, feeling another tremor work through him and his mouth opened willingly. He mirrored me again, the tip of his tongue grazing against mine as if to take in the taste of me before his arms wrapped around me and held me tighter to him, his mouth enveloping mine in a passionate kiss that rushed through me and made my knees collapse underneath me. He held me up against his rigid body, a tinkling of fear playing in my head under the rush at being held so tightly. I could feel him shaking against me, or perhaps it was both of us, as our bodies were forced so close.
And then a tattered whimper and he was tearing himself away, shoving me away as if I had burned him. He stumbled back, hands going to his mouth and his eyes clenched shut as he struggled to catch his breath. I balanced myself, hands on my knees to keep from falling, my breath ragged in the air. When I straightened, his eyes opened wide and he took a step back, shaking his head emphatically.
"This is not," he stammered. "We cannot… you must leave. Kate. I cannot."
I took a step towards him, to apologize for what I had just done; sure I had just sullied any hope for getting to know him with my brazen attitude. He staggered back another step and put his hand up to stop me from coming closer.
"Please, Kate," he rasped. "You must go. I cannot."
He turned and fled down the hill towards his home, tripping on the steps of the porch before retreating into the house and shutting the door hard, leaving me without a doubt that I was absolutely the worst thing for him. So much so he had told me to leave.
I turned and ran.
Ran away.
It was what I was good at.
Chapter 9
No one was in the Berger house when I burst in, to which I was thankful. I couldn't bear to see Emma's face when she heard I was leaving. She would convince me to stay, and I would be forced to see Nathan again. And see the pain in his face as he looked on me shamefully.
Why had I kissed him?
Why did he turn from me all the time?
Why did I go and shame him?
I was such an idiot.
I dug into my bag and pulled out my old clothes, flinging the dress off hurriedly. The tears refused to come, which made me more frustrated as I struggled with the buttons to my shorts, finding them difficult after a few days of hooks and eyes. I threw on a tank top and ripped off the cover on my head, completing the transformation back into the old me in a matter of minutes. Folding the dress neatly and laying it on the bed, I took one last look at the room I had felt more at home in than any other and turned from it, closing the door and not looking back.
I snuck down the stairs quietly, afraid at every turn to discover one of the sisters there to stop me. But the house was quiet. Slipping out of the front door, I skirted along the edge of the house away from
the barn, finding myself at the edge of the garden. I was half way to the road when I noticed someone watching me from the row of vines towering in the sunlight. Hannah's red hair had worked loose and framed her face as her eyes tracked me.
It was her expression that alarmed me more than anything. I had assumed Hannah would rejoice on the day I left her family. Instead, her eyes seemed worried, her mouth set not in a frown of disapproval but of concern. I shook my head and turned from her, not wanting to see any more regret on my behalf.
I chose my life.
It should not affect anyone else in how I chose to screw it up.
Shouldering my backpack a little higher on my shoulder, I set off quickly down the road; back towards the town I had first met Jonah a week ago. It felt like months, but in a good way. The more I thought about the last few days, the more upset I became at my brazen attempt to force a response from Nathan. The response had been forced out of him, to be sure. I didn't like being treated like that with Sean.
What had I expected?
A happily ever after?
Did I think I would fit in with them?
I laughed out loud at the notion of spending my life there, milking cows, with several children running around and the Amish man smiling at me as Jonah did to Fannie. But my laugh choked and I swallowed against a dry throat when I realized that that life was not nearly so bad as what I was walking towards. In fact, the idea of seeing Nathan smiling down at me every day seemed worth all the pre dawn chores and life without television or the Internet.
And that one forbidden kiss had been the best kiss I had ever experienced.
I kicked at the gravel that piled up on the side of the road and walked a little faster, amazed that no cars or buggies passed on my trek. I walked under the blaring sun for what seemed like hours, until it beat down on me from directly overhead. I was beginning to think I had taken a wrong turn when I noticed an intersection in the distance, and beyond that, buildings shimmering like a mirage in the heat. With the end in sight, I quickened my pace.
Healing Faith Page 11
