“I’m a filthy boy,” he told her. “It’s what my mother always said. She told me she knew it from the moment I was born. She looked into my eyes and saw the truth. I’ve her father’s eyes, the Viscount of Theems. She said I was like him, that I was sick. She said I couldn’t be near her or my sisters. I couldn’t touch them. I couldn’t touch her.” He snapped his eyes closed at the pain he saw reflected in her eyes and the tears that spilled from them.
“Justin...” His name seemed to come strangled from her lips. “Is that the reason you don’t touch women?”
“I shouldn’t have touched you,” he told her and felt her hands slip behind his head once more, threading through his hair to keep him hostage. If only she knew how much he wanted to be held by her, but he didn’t dare touch her. “You were clean, and I ruined you. I ruin you every time I touch you.”
“You didn’t ruin me. I was ruined years ago,” she said breathlessly.
He growled as his gaze snapped to her. “That creature didn’t ruin you. He couldn’t. Your light is too bright. Your goodness too abundant for him to ever touch.”
She smiled as tears continued to slide down her cheeks. She pressed closer to him. Their chests touched, and Justin looked down to realize his hands had moved to her waist. His anger at the thought of Michael anywhere near her had clouded his judgment.
“Is that how you see me?” she asked. “Bright with goodness?”
He frowned at the silly question. “It’s what you are, Alexandra. A sweet balm to the existence of everyone you meet. Look at how you keep your family together by hosting meals, how you invited Lady Emma into your confidence, your work with the children at the orphanage.” And the way she’d kissed him. She’d restored just a pinch of light to his soul. A small flame rested there, but that flame had nothing to do with anything he’d done. That flame was all her. The part of him that loved her burned for her, yet still it was small. It wasn’t strong enough to cleanse him. Nothing would be. Maybe she could one day, but at what cost?
Alex was openly weeping now, and Justin used his hands to wipe her tears.
“I should never have touched you,” he whispered. “I’m a selfish man.”
She shook her head. “That’s not true. I’m so sorry your mother has done this to you. Justin, you can’t believe anything she said." Despair and conviction battled over her features. “You’re a good man.”
“No.” He jerked until he was out of her hold and then held his hands up to keep her away. The air was cool against his cheeks, and it was only then he realized he was crying. “You don’t know me.” She didn’t know the sin he’d committed, the one he could never wash from his hands, how he’d fulfilled his mother’s words, only not as his mother had predicted. His mother had said he’d be the ruin of her, and in his own way he’d fulfilled that truth.
She’d been reaching out to him, but at his words, she withdrew. “You’re not the villain you think you are.”
He stepped back again and found himself on the other wall. The distance was not far enough for his liking. “What makes you think I’m not?”
“Do you think for one moment Lucy Ann wouldn’t have told you so if it were the case? Do you think she’d love you so earnestly? Trust you?”
Those questions left him mute, but only for a second. “I’m all she has. She’s making an exception.”
Alex shook her head. “No, she doesn’t strike me as the sort who would do such a thing. You said yourself that she's always loved you. I don’t believe she’d have defended you in the park had she not thought you worthy.”
“Then she’s a fool,” was all he could surmise. “Because I am unworthy.”
“Yet you want me.” The words were said as a statement, but her expression held a question.
“I’m selfish,” he reminded her.
“Why Mrs. Shaw?” Alex asked. “What about her makes her acceptable?”
Because Mrs. Shaw had her own darkness was the answer, but it was not something he would ever reveal to her or Gerard. They could never know what he shared with the woman. It wasn’t her age that drew it, but the likeness of heart. Mrs. Shaw had her own crimes to answer to when judgment day came, like exactly how her cruel husband had died, but that was between her and God. “We understand each other.”
“And I don’t understand you?” she asked.
He moved to her then, no longer able to stand her hurt look. He hesitantly placed his hands on her shoulders. “I don’t want you to know that side of me, Alexandra.”
“But don’t you think I should know all of you?” she asked.
“I’ll never hurt you,” he promised.
“I know.” Though the words had been as light as the brush of butterfly wings, her radiant faith shook him to the core.
If only she knew at that very moment what he wanted to do to her. “Step back, Alexandra.”
She started and blinked, her eyes slightly reddened from her weeping. Weeping for him. There were so many ways he didn’t deserve her. “What?”
“Step back before I do something we may regret in the morning.”
She came disentangled with him then and stepped farther into her room. It pleased him as much as it pained him to lose her touch.
He rested his hands on the doorframe to keep himself upright. “It would be a wise idea to lock this door, though I’ve already sworn not to step foot into this room while you occupy it.”
She turned and moved back to the wingback. Bracing her hands on the high back, she looked over at him. “Not even if I asked you to?”
Justin closed his eyes as his own body reacted as though she’d given him invitation. “Not even then.” When he was steady, he opened his eyes to find her grinning at him.
“Good to know,” Reuben said from behind him before walking into Alex’s room. He’d obviously placed no restrictions on himself, and while another man could look at Reuben and see him as a threat to any woman he crossed paths with, Justin felt no danger. He and Alex had grown up in the orphanage together. Shared space was usually in such places. The boundaries that the ton set might as well be nonexistent in their world.
Alex tracked Reuben’s movements and watched him settle in the chair across from her. “I need to speak with you alone.”
Reuben turned to Justin and said, “Close the door when you leave, my lord.” The dismissal was plain. Reuben stared at him with challenge and a soft grin.
Any other day, Justin would have thrown the man out, but if Reuben left, so would Alex, and he needed her to stay… which meant he had to deal with Reuben as well.
But he would only play the man’s game so far.
Justin pushed off the wall. “Dinner is within the hour. We stop serving a minute past.”
Reuben’s smile brightened, and he nodded in understanding. “We’ll be there.”
Justin hesitated then reached out and closed the door.
* * *
22
CHAPTER
TWENTY-TWO
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“Tell me everything you know about Justin.” Alex didn’t hesitate to ask Reuben the question the moment after Justin’s footsteps disappeared down the hall.
She was still trembling from the encounter they’d had, her heart still weeping for the damage that his deranged mother had done to him, the lies she’d embedded in his head until… perhaps they’d become true.
How a mother could condemn a child at birth didn’t make sense to Alex. How could a mother leave her child in such loneliness?
Hadn’t that been the case for herself? Her mother had left her, but if her mother had been anything like Justin’s, she was glad to be rid of her. No child deserved to hear the things the countess had called him.
Dirty.
What had the Viscount of Theems done to the woman to make her hate her own child so? Alex didn’t have to think long and hard. She’d encountered many a broken child a
t the orphanage. The faint of heart could not imagine the stories some of the children could tell about the parents who had brought them into the world or the loved ones who had abused them before ultimately giving them away.
Alex had never felt safer knowing she’d grown up in Best Home until Justin’s confession.
That his mother would trip her son down the stairs for stopping his sister’s tears…
Fire burned in her belly and anger made her tighten her fist. She wanted to lash out at the woman who’d hurt Justin, to make her feel his agony. He’d been unable to touch women for so long, probably never knowing a caring touch until Mrs. Shaw had come along.
Alex was almost inclined not to hate the woman. At least there had been someone to place a loving hand on him when he needed it most, to hold him.
But she wondered if Mrs. Shaw knew all of Justin’s secrets. She must, because it was clear that Justin knew hers. They shared a darkness, it seemed.
But what was Justin’s secret? What was he keeping from her?
Alex had avoided any talk of Justin’s past where her brothers were concerned. She’d wanted the truth to come from Justin, and he’d nearly crushed her under what he’d said today. She wanted to hold him. She’d wanted to make his pain go away and share whatever light he saw within her.
She wanted to give him her heart.
If he didn’t already hold possession of it.
But before she could give in, before she could give another man everything, she had to know the truth about him.
“He should let him tell you himself.”
Alex blinked and looked up into her brother’s eyes. Their green hue seemed darker in the dim light from the single lantern that was lit. Darkness had taken over the sky as a storm continued its approach at a slow and leisurely pace, casting shadows everywhere and highlighting the aggressively hard planes of Reuben’s naturally tanned face. No matter what the season, Reuben stayed a Mediterranean color, a gold that made his green eyes that much more pronounced.
That he’d come back from the war unscarred was a miracle, though Alex sensed something inside of him was… unsettled.
Days ago, he’d been hard on her about her attraction to Justin, almost condemning it. Now he sat before her, closemouthed, when he was the one who could save her from yet another broken heart.
And he’d decided to say nothing? “What?” she whispered accusingly.
Reuben pressed his lips together and said, “Perhaps I was wrong about him.”
Alex’s eyes widened. “What makes you say that?”
Reuben stared at his hands as though he’d never seen them before. “His actions speak louder than the whispers.” He closed his hands and looked at her. “And he needs you. He needs you to try.”
“Try what?” she asked.
“Try to love him as he is.” Reuben leaned back and looked away. “He needs you to keep being you.”
“Why?” She was surprised by how furious she sounded and wasn’t sure where her anger truly lay. With the countess? With Justin? With Reuben? With herself and her stupid heart that seemed to seek out the most broken of souls?
That was where the truth lay. She was mad at herself.
“I tried once,” she said once she’d calmed. “I failed with Michael.”
“You didn’t fail Michael. He failed himself.” Reuben looked at her, those green eyes full of something she couldn’t define. Clarity, maybe. “And you didn’t fail me or Chris or Nash. We were broken, too, but you just didn’t see it. You hounded us until we let you in.” He broke away from her gaze and stood, walking a few paces away before giving her his back.
Alex clung to the chair to keep from going to him. Already, she could feel the tears burning at the back of her eyes once more. Hadn’t she cried enough already? She’d never thought of her brothers as broken. All she’d seen was a brooding group of boys she wanted to make smile.
She covered her mouth as the truth hit her.
“We’re still broken in a way, but you keep back the shadows,” Reuben went on. “It’s what you do, Alexandra. It’s what you’ve been doing your whole life. God only knows where you got the talent from.”
“But I was nothing but annoying,” she reminded him. “You boys hardly tolerated me.”
“Because we wanted the darkness, Alexandra.” He turned to look at her and said, “Any light we have is because of your unyielding kindness.”
“Not true,” she whispered as she got to her feet. “You’ve all protected me my entire life. You’ve more light in you than you know,” she added fervently.
He smiled at her and laughed. “You don’t even see it, do you? You’re doing it right now.”
She closed her mouth and straightened.
He went on, “No one cared for us. The men and women we grew up with can still barely stand Christmas.”
Alex knew that was true. Chris was a very complicated man. There were times Alex could still feel him trying to push her away, but he never succeeded because Alex wouldn’t let him. She knew when to stay out of Chris’ way and when to push back. Most of the time, she pushed until he cursed and gave in.
How could someone not love him?
“Why do you think we protect you?” Reuben said. “Why do you think we’d do anything for you? For Rose? For Alicia? You taught us to care for others, to care for anything, Alexandra. To three boys who’d lost the only woman who ever cared for them, you were the one who tried to make it right.”
She didn’t have to guess at who the woman was that they’d lost. Mary Elizabeth Best had been mother and friend to everyone who’d known her. Mary Francis, on the other hand… she’d come around once they’d grown too old to complain, but she’d never been in possession of that tender heart like her sister.
She was weeping again when she ran over and wrapped her arms around Reuben.
His arms came around her and pulled her close. “Besides, it wouldn't have mattered what I said in the end,” he whispered against her hair. “You’ve have gone after the earl either way.”
Her heart fell at the truth of those words. She couldn’t turn her back on Justin. Her very soul wouldn’t let her. It yearned for him more than she’d ever yearned for anything in her entire life.
When they finally pulled away from one another, Alex could hear a clock in the distance announcing the hour for dinner.
“We should go before we’re barred from the dining hall,” she whispered with a sniff.
Reuben smiled down at her and led the way from the room.
* * *
23
CHAPTER
TWENTY-THREE
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Justin was not surprised to find who the first person to join him for breakfast that morning was. When there was an entire world to bend into submission, one had to rise early.
“Good morning.” Lucy Ann strolled into the room and took her seat, saying nothing more after her greeting, but her eyes were watching Justin intently, just as they’d done the night before.
“Good morning,” he murmured against his coffee cup as he watched her reach for the tea that a footman poured.
To say that Lucy had been civil at dinner would be an understatement. Lucy Ann and Selina had both been kind, though he wasn’t sure whether that was because of something he’d done, Alexandra had done, or because Reuben had been a large dark presence that seemed to infuse the air with a warning of calm.
Justin also thought it could be because of the guards who had been stationed throughout the house. It occurred to him during the meal that he’d not asked his sisters how they felt about Alexandra being under the same roof, especially considering the danger she imposed.
He didn’t need their permission; he knew that just as they did. As the earl and their guardian, he could do as he pleased. He could fill the house with any number of individuals and not have to bat an eye at their discomfort, but he’d never b
een that way with him.
He’d never been that way with anyone, which he was sure Avon would say made him a weak man.
It almost thrilled him to disappoint the duke even when the man would never know.
“How did you sleep?” he asked.
She sipped and closed her eyes and breathed in the brew. “Oh, I daresay that with all the guards not even nightmares could reach me.” She smiled as she took another sip.
Justin waited for a serious play but didn’t stop his lips from curving up. His sister would probably never change, but perhaps there was a chance she’d become friendlier.
Did he dare hope?
“How are things progressing with Ms. Smith?” she asked as she moved to the sideboard to retrieve food.
He stilled and wondered how a tiny girl could set his heart racing. It irritated him. Justin knew it had less to do with the fact that she was his sister and had the ability to drive him to insanity, and more to do with the fact that she reminded him of their mother.
She looked so much like Christine. The hair, the slim body, the perfect skin, and blue eyes that seemed to see more in a person than what one showed. The only difference was what he saw in those eyes. Lucy Ann didn’t have Christine’s vacant eyes, void of love or feeling. Even when his mother had been upset, her eyes had always seemed bare of true humanity.
He remembered the day she’d tripped him down those stairs. He’d landed on his back and after the way he’d hit his head, his vision had blurred, but up on the second floor, she'd loomed over him. When his eyes had finally focused, his heart had nearly choked him with fear.
She stood in the light from the large window, her golden hair bright and her skin glowing, but he was sure that deserts were less barren than his mother’s eyes.
The Legend of the Earl_Heirs of High Society Page 16
