by E. E. Burke
She backed away. “Please, Logan. Don’t make this any harder than it has to be.”
He held out his arms. “This doesn’t have to be hard, Jen, if you would just give it a chance.”
Fear flashed across her face. “You and I have an agreement. You gave me your word.”
Logan dropped his hands to his sides with a frustrated breath. That damn deal had become her weapon. “I know what I promised. But I can’t walk away and never see you again, and you aren’t being honest if you say you want me to.”
She went to the sliding glass doors, giving him a better view of her backside. That black dress showed off her assets, and there were many. He considered pulling up the hem and exposing her upper thighs, running his hands over her incredibly smooth skin. He’d take her to bed and love on her until she screamed his name and admitted she wanted him as badly as he wanted her.
Holding back took all his willpower. He wouldn’t use physical attraction to manipulate her; it wouldn’t work even if he did. He had to find out why she wouldn’t let herself consider a future with him. In his heart, he knew she had feelings for him.
“Am I right?”
“Yes,” she said softly. “I don’t want to say goodbye. But it’s the best thing for both of us if we do.” She hugged herself.
God, he wished she would let him hold her. He wished she would let him in.
“I don’t get it. What we did, what we have, its more than just good sex, and we both know it. So tell me how you figure throwing this away is the best thing?”
“What you said about friendship and trusting, I can’t trust like that. I’ve tried, but I can’t.” She spoke with such conviction that he almost believed it.
She believed it. There was something in her past that had wounded her so badly, she’d closed her heart. If he could find out what, maybe he could help her get past it and be open to pursuing this relationship.
“Who hurt you?”
“You’ll think it’s ridiculous.”
“Anything that hurt you so bad you can’t trust me is far from ridiculous.”
For a long while she was silent. When she started to speak, her voice was so low he had to move closer to hear. “I was very shy growing up. It was hard for me to make friends, and we moved a lot, so I didn’t have many. When I got into high school, I met a guy named Ryan. He was outgoing and good-looking and popular. All the things I wasn’t...”
She couldn’t still think so little of herself.
“You’re a beautiful woman, Jen.”
“Thank you.” She cast a grateful look over her shoulder. He didn’t want her gratitude. He wanted her to believe in herself, and to believe in him. “I was a stick in high school. My boobs were smaller than some of the guys’.”
“Define stick. The kids on the basketball team called me Praying Mantis because of my long, skinny arms. I grew so fast in high school, I looked like a freak.”
Her gaze flickered over him, and the craving in her eyes heated his blood. “That’s not a word that comes to mind when I look at you.”
“Stick isn’t how I’d describe you either. Remind me later to show you in detail how beautiful you are.” High school awkwardness might explain a few insecurities, but it wouldn’t account for her intense fears. Something else had happened. “You were telling me about Ryan.”
“Ryan, yeah...” She brushed at her hair with her fingers. Not a strand out of place. He’d noticed she did that when she got anxious. “He asked me for help with homework. Somehow, from there, we became friends. I’d never had a boyfriend or even a good friend who was a guy, and it was really flattering that this popular, good-looking one wanted to hang out with me. After a while, he asked if I’d go with him. You know, be his girlfriend. I said yes, but then I got freaked out and broke it off after a couple days.
“He wouldn’t talk to me for a week. I was miserable, and all the girls were telling me what a huge mistake I’d made. So I went over to his house to see if we could still be friends. He apologized for ignoring me, and said it was because he liked me so much and I’d hurt him. He kissed me. I didn’t push him away, even though in hindsight I should have. I thought maybe I was wrong to break up. Maybe I’d like him like that, if I gave it a try. I-I let him touch me, but when he started taking off my clothes, I got scared. When I tried to push him away, he accused me of being a tease and he...he...”
Jen faced the sliding glass door, finishing in silence what she wasn’t able to say.
Logan’s blood boiled. “Did he rape you? Tell me, Jen. It won’t change what I think about you, or how I feel. You need to tell me the truth because you need to get that weight off your shoulders. Let me help you carry it.”
Her hands curled around her upper arms, a protective self-hug. “His parents came home and they caught us before he could...you know, penetrate me. I was so embarrassed, and was crying so hard I couldn’t talk. He told them I wanted it, that I’d been trying to get him into bed.”
Her tone had gone flat. That didn’t lessen the impact, like a sledgehammer to Logan’s chest. “That son-of-a-bitch. I hope you got him arrested.”
“They called my mother to come get me. She didn’t get mad or threaten to go to the police when I told her what happened. Her face went stiff, like a mask. She said we had to keep it quiet, that making a fuss would only make things worse because it would be his word against mine. She said, ‘Men are like that. You shouldn’t lead them on.’ ”
Logan clenched his hands, fighting the urge to take Jen into his arms and vow to protect her. He couldn’t protect her from what had happened in the past, and if he touched her, she would probably freeze up and refuse to talk. “Your mother was wrong. All men aren’t like that. None of what happened was your fault. You have to know that.”
Her shoulders lifted as she breathed deeply, then exhaled. “Ryan turned on me. He told his friends I’d hit on him and got him in trouble. The other guys whispered awful things to me in the hallway, asked me to give them blowjobs too. Some of them tried to put their hands on me when teachers weren’t around. The girls acted different too. They gossiped behind my back, even though they knew I could hear them. Denying the lies didn’t change anything. Ryan’s friends stood up for him. I was new at the school, and I didn’t have many friends. After that, I didn’t want anyone to get close. I was afraid they might betray me too.”
“Where the hell was your dad during all this? If that happened to a daughter of mine, I’d take a shotgun to the bastard.”
“I don’t know what my mother told him. I was too ashamed to talk about it. They eventually moved me to an all-girls boarding school, and never brought it up again.”
She turned slightly and looked at him over her shoulder. “You were right when you suggested I need help.”
He wanted to kick himself. “No, I was an asshole. I shouldn’t have said that—”
“But you’re right. I’m messed up, Logan. Something’s broken inside, and I can’t fix it. I’ve seen doctors and I’ve taken medicine and tried special treatments. I still fight anxiety, and I’m afraid to let anyone get close. Over the past ten years, I’ve dated two men, one of them somewhat seriously, but he broke up with me because I wouldn’t sleep with him and I wouldn’t commit. It’s not just what happened with Ryan. It’s how I grew up. I never felt...I don’t think my parents knew how to love me. You’re the first man I’ve let this close, and I know I’m being stupid by pushing you away, but I can’t seem to help it.”
Tears slid down her cheeks. He felt every one like she was dripping acid in his chest.
He gave up trying to keep his hands to himself and drew her up against him. “You’re not stupid,” he said in a voice rough with emotion. “You’re beautiful and brilliant, and you’re sweet and tenderhearted, and passionate as hell, and that’s only what I’ve discovered over one week. Imagine what I’ll find when we spend more time together.”
She circled her arms around his waist. “That’s what scares me. You’ll find out too
much, and you’ll leave. Everyone leaves eventually.”
Her prediction tore away another piece of his heart.
If ever a woman needed loving, Jen did, and the way she was clinging to him just proved how much she needed his love. But if he pursued this, he would have to risk everything. His future. His heart. And he’d have to trust her even before she trusted him.
“I know how scary it is to care for someone. I haven’t been willing to let myself care too much either, because I didn’t want to risk getting hurt. Not after losing two people I loved so much.”
He rubbed his hand in a soothing circle on her back. “You know what I said about my folks being best friends? There’s another side to that. I saw what my mother’s death did to my father. He stopped living. He gets up every morning and he works until dark, but he doesn’t enjoy life. He’s hard and bitter. I don’t want to end up like that. I thought I could give just a little, not everything, and that way I could avoid what happened to him.
“But I’ve been thinking these past couple days, and I realize that’s not how I want it to be. I want what my parents had. I want it all, even if it means risking everything. And if you...if you want it all too, we could make this work.”
Logan kissed the top of her head. If he kept talking, he was pretty sure he would get choked up. He’d said his piece, and she’d heard him. All he could do was hope that she would take courage from his words and fight her fears.
Chapter 9
Logan had to be one of the few true gentlemen left in the world. Possibly, others like him existed. Maybe they lived in Texas. Jen hadn’t spent much time there. However, she’d met enough men to know this one was special. By some miracle, he cared about her, and he wanted to deepen the relationship.
Jen splayed her fingers over his back, loving his solidness and how secure she felt when she was with him. She adored his slow drawl and even slower lovemaking, his quick wit, and easy-going personality. She wanted nothing more than to say yes, and take the leap.
Only, there were obstacles beyond her irrational fears. She longed to listen to her heart, but she’d better heed her common sense.
“What are your plans for the future, Logan? I thought you wanted to go back to school and become a vet.”
“I do. But we can work around that.” He slid his fingers through her hair, stroking. If she remained in his arms for much longer, she wouldn’t be able resist taking him to bed again. After that, the bonds between them would be tighter, stronger. She already feared they might be too strong to cut without permanent injury.
“What if we can’t work around it? I’m settled in Atlanta. You said you plan to finish your schooling at Texas A&M. I don’t see how this can work if we’re in different states.”
She hated how logical and cold she sounded. He’d opened his heart to her, and he had asked her to do the same. She would have to go into this relationship without guarantees, only his assurance. “If there’s a baby, and things don’t work out, our child would be the one who suffers most. I can’t take the chance.”
He tightened his embrace. “I won’t abandon you and the baby. That’s a promise.”
“You can’t make a promise like that when you don’t know for certain what will happen.”
“We’ll figure it out. Together.”
She knew he meant it. But believing in his sincerity and being able to stake her life on it were two different things. She extracted herself from his arms.
He didn’t look pleased. “You don’t believe me?”
No, she was terrified he might actually convince her.
“I believe you’re sincere. But you aren’t looking at this logically.”
“I’m not accepting your excuses. There’s a difference.”
“You aren’t being practical.” She hated being practical, except she didn’t see that she had much choice. “This isn’t some chick flick or romance novel where everything magically works out in spite of insurmountable differences.”
He closed his eyes and rubbed his forehead. “I’m not suggesting believing in fairy tales. I know it won’t be easy.”
Tears burned behind her eyes. If she started crying, he’d hold her again, and she didn’t have the strength to push him away. She blinked until the moisture cleared and forced neutrality into her voice. “Am I giving you a headache?”
Logan dropped his arm. His expression remained solemn. Normally, he’d be the one cracking a joke right about now. Fatigue had etched deep lines on his face. His eyes reflected sadness...and pain. “Don’t do this, Jen. Don’t talk yourself out of it.”
She whirled away before giving in to the overwhelming desire to throw her arms around him. He was hurting, and she was the cause. That’s why this couldn’t last. She refused to continue to wound him because she was too scared to love him. It would tear both of them apart.
Crossing to the kitchen desk, she took an envelope from one of the cubbyholes. She returned and held it out. At least she could help him fulfill his dream. “Here’s what I promised. Go back to Texas and become a vet. If, after that, you still want to work things out, we’ll give it a try.”
He flicked a look at the envelope. Disbelief flashed in his eyes, and then his gaze went flat. “Keep it...or put it in a college fund for junior.”
Logan spun on his heel and left. The sliding door remained open, but he wouldn’t be back. She would bet on it.
Jen bit her knuckle. She had to do something to distract herself from the excruciating pain. Oh God, it hurt. She’d done the right thing by sending him away, hadn’t she? Before he could hurt her, and before she hurt him even more than she already had.
Liar.
She hadn’t done it because it was right, or even logical. She’d pushed Logan away because she was a coward. The idea of loving him scared her to death.
But didn’t she already love him? Avoiding it was like trying to avoid raindrops when it rained. The skies had opened. Logan had pried her fingers from around the handle of her umbrella, taking away her false security, offering to be her shelter. She had thrown away her one chance at true happiness because she was afraid of getting wet.
Jen rushed out the back door to catch him before he made it to the neighbor’s yard. Letting him go wasn’t right or smart, and would be the stupidest mistake she ever made. She had to stop him, beg him for another chance.
She ran off the patio and threw the gate open. “Logan! Wait!”
A flash of black and white flashed in her peripheral vision. Her dog bounded into the front yard, tail waving, looking around expectantly.
“Freckles, stop!”
At the sidewalk, the dog jerked to an abrupt halt, her attention focused on something across the street. A squirrel. Of course, what else? The oblivious little creature was furiously digging beneath a thick-limbed oak tree.
From the neighboring driveway, a car engine roared to life. A gleaming gray sedan backed into the street. One of the wedding guests was leaving early. Freckles had no fear of cars, and wouldn’t notice it anyway, her attention being fastened on the squirrel.
Jen wobbled as she ran. Damn heels. She kicked off her shoes. “Freckles, sit!”
The dog might obey that command. She got treats when she sat.
Not today.
Freckles took off as if shot from a cannon and ran across the street, chasing the squirrel around the base of the tree. She braced her paws on the trunk when her prey dashed into the branches, chattering, and her white-tipped tail went into a wagging frenzy.
What was it about squirrel behavior that made her think they wanted to play?
“Stay!”
The last command penetrated the dog’s one-track mind, but instead of staying put, the foolish mutt pranced toward the road, panting with satisfaction. The driver wouldn’t see her dart out from between the cars, which were parked on both sides of the street.
Up until this point, Jen hadn’t panicked. Now, all bets were off.
“No! Stay! Stay!”
A tal
l figure dashed past her. Logan, in his formal suit, sprinted into the road, waving his arms at the car, yelling at the driver. What did he think he was doing?
“You idiot! Stop!” Jen screamed at the driver, at Logan...even at the dog.
Tires screeched—too late. A sickening thud, followed by Logan tumbling over the hood, stopped her heart. She stared in horror at the car, no longer able to see Logan. Was he on the other side? Oh, God, under the tires?
With a loud cry, she broke into a dead run. “No, no, no! Please God, no...”
The car door swung open and out leapt a well-dressed man with a shocked expression. “What the...?” Loud music throbbed from the car’s interior. No wonder the driver hadn’t heard Logan shouting.
She raced around the car.
Thank God, Logan was up, sitting back on his heels. He looked dazed, but not seriously injured. Relief hit so hard it buckled her knees. She knelt next to him, longing to drag him into her arms, to hold him and never let him go. But if he was injured, jostling him might cause more damage.
She laid a trembling hand on his shoulder. “Logan—” Her voice broke with emotion.
“Hey, buddy, are you all right? I didn’t see you until you were in front of me.” The driver’s shaken voice came from over her shoulder. He held a phone in his hand. So that’s what the idiot had been doing instead of paying attention.
Jen longed to grab the phone and shove it up his ass. “If you’d been watching, you would’ve seen him. Call 9-1-1.”
“I’m okay,” Logan rasped. “Get the dog.”
The dog. That was why he’d run into the street. In that instant, everything had been wiped from her mind except for Logan. She would never have forgiven herself if he’d been killed trying to save her pet. She couldn’t imagine how she’d go on in a world without him.
Freckles crouched on the sidewalk. The dog lowered her head between her paws, her dark eyes imploring, as if she’d figured out, finally, that she had caused a shit-storm.
“Come,” Jen said, keeping her voice low and calm. If she yelled, the dog would get scared and run.
