After he’d devoured his kebab we stayed up chatting about films. Bowzer rolled himself a joint and we decided to watch another Frank Holden flick.
Thanks to the beers I fell asleep halfway through the film, which I’d seen a few times before. Soon I was in a deep and restless sleep, tormented by a recurring nightmare, which had plagued me for years. My childhood hadn’t been easy.
I woke up on the sofa the next morning dripping in sweat and breathless. Bowzer lay next to me with his hood pulled up, snoring like a dog. The place still smelt of kebab and the room was a mess of beer cans and trainers. Remembering the events from the day before, it occurred to me that I would enjoy being away from the flat for a while. The lads were all nice enough but I didn’t want to live in a dump anymore. I wanted more out of life.
Leaving Bowzer still sleeping, I slowly started to collect the empty cans and dirty food wrappers to put in the rubbish. The feeling from the nightmare still lingered and I felt out of sorts for the rest of the day.
28
The Pica Explorer
Day three. Hour 17:15.
Grabbing hold of anything sturdy, we brace ourselves as the sub begins to tip slowly onto one side.
‘What is happening?’ Frank’s face is filled with horror.
I close my eyes and try to imagine myself anywhere other than where I am while my stomach begins to churn like a washing machine.
But then, as quickly as it started, it stops. I open my eyes, still clinging to the pipes, to see Frank and Sam’s pale faces. We haven’t tipped as much as I thought.
‘What the fuck was that?’ Sam fumbles in his pocket, and I worry he is going to pull out a weapon, but I see his hands shaking as he tries to remove a packet of cigarettes and I feel instant relief.
Frank straightens and tries to regain his composure but it is clear he is just as spooked as the rest of us. Thankfully his grip remains firm on the door handle, keeping Luke at bay.
The singing has stopped.
‘Where is that girl with the rope?’ I think it is odd that Frank calls Susie a girl, considering she is in her mid-forties, but I realise it is just another method he uses to belittle.
‘I’ll go and make sure she is okay,’ I say, finally finding the courage to let go of the pipe I was clinging to for support. ‘It’s not safe for her to be walking around here alone.’
‘What if it starts to tip again?’ Sam still hasn’t been able to remove the cigarettes from his pocket.
‘Hold on, arsehole,’ Frank growls.
‘I think I’ll come with you.’ Sam curls his lip at Frank before turning to me.
But can I trust Sam?
Without warning, a scream comes rattling through the corridor, bouncing off the metal walls like a ball. We fall quiet and all turn in the direction it came from. Then there is nothing but silence.
Above us the blue lights blink and the faint buzzing of electricity can be heard passing above our heads. For a moment we are plunged into darkness and I think to myself, this is it. But just when I am about to give up hope, the lights flicker back on again.
‘Maybe we should stay put,’ Sam says still staring up at the ceiling.
‘The scream.’ I point in the direction the sound came from.
‘Maybe it was the darkness that made them scream?’ Sam knows it came from one of the women at the other end of the submarine.
‘We have to go and find out.’ I am feeling so weak, it is as if I am floating on a cloud above and watching this all play out. ‘It might be Susie.’ She is all I can think about.
‘Go,’ Frank orders in his director’s tone of voice. ‘Find out what is going on and bring me that goddamn rope.’
Sam, who I am expecting to refuse, nods his head and beckons for me to come.
Despite feeling lightheaded, I manage to put one foot in front of the other and slowly make my way along the narrow corridor, following Sam cautiously towards the back of the sub. A moment or two later we are outside the periscope room, which we need to pass through. Strangely the door is shut. I try the handle but I am too weak. Huffing with frustration Sam then has a go. The door opens with ease.
There we discover Susie standing holding the rope she’d been sent to retrieve. She looks at us and points toward the ladder with a quivering hand.
Fiona is strung up by her neck; dead. Her eyes are swollen and bloodshot and a small amount of blood has gathered in the corner of her mouth. Her head hangs to one side and the noose cuts into the skin around her throat.
It takes a moment for it all to sink in but then I notice that her hands are bound together behind her back.
‘Jesus, fuck.’ Sam takes a step back, cracking his elbow against the wall.
Susie remains glued to the spot and is shaking like a leaf. I reach out to touch her but she recoils, her eyes wide and fearful.
‘It’s me,’ I say gently, wanting to give her a hug, as much for my sake as for hers.
‘We have to get her down.’ Susie finally manages to speak but her words are distant. ‘We can’t leave her tied there.’ It seems that all of the emotional strength she had has now been shattered.
Sam doesn’t move. I look back up at the corpse, which looks more like a plastic prop than a person.
‘This is like a horror film,’ I say.
‘You.’ Susie’s eyes start to fill with tears. ‘You are going to get her down now.’ She moves towards Sam, pointing a slender finger at his face. ‘Now.’ Suddenly there is no more fear, only anger.
Sam hangs his head in shame and then agrees to her demands.
‘You can see the ropes are tied tight.’
‘So use your strength.’ Suddenly I remember why Susie is a good producer. She may appear petite and harmless but beneath the surface is a strong woman.
Tentatively, Sam approaches the ladder and begins to fumble with the ropes that are cutting into Fiona’s flesh. He has to use one hand to push her body to the side so that he can continue to access the ropes unobstructed by her lifeless body.
Watching Sam struggle to untie the cord that is wrapped around Fiona’s neck, I can’t help but feel pity for him. He is a young man who got on this submarine looking for stardom. Instead, he has ended up living in a nightmare surrounded by death. Suddenly I don’t suspect him anymore.
‘You better move out of the way,’ he says. ‘When I manage to untie this she is going to fall hard.’
Susie ushers me to the side of the small room and we wait for the body to be released.
‘Any minute now,’ Sam warns us.
Seconds later Fiona’s body flops down from her resting place and ends up slumped on the floor, her bones cracking as her lifeless body makes contact with the unforgiving surface below.
The body lands in a strange position, her legs splaying in an unnatural fashion. As Sam descends he stops a few rungs before the bottom and has to jump off the ladder and over her crumpled body.
‘Now what?’ He is breathing deeply, the shock settling on his face.
‘I don’t know who could have done this,’ Susie admits, ‘but I think I should get this rope to Frank and we can deal with it later.’
‘Where is Anya?’ Sam asks suddenly.
‘I don’t know. I went to retrieve the rope and on my way back I found Fiona. She must have been there for a while but I didn’t notice on my way past the first time. I thought they must have both come back and found you.’
Susie fumbles with the rope in her hand, twisting it tightly around her wrists and fingers, cutting off the blood before releasing it again.
‘Should we look for her? Maybe she is in trouble,’ I ask while trying not to look at the contorted, broken body that lies on the floor only a few feet away.
‘The rope first.’ Susie holds it up. ‘Then we go and find Anya.’
‘Don’t you realise that it was Anya who did this?’ Sam looks at us as if we are stupid. ‘Anya and Fiona were together. We were all together. Now Fiona is dead and Anya is missing. It wasn’t
me.’
As I take a moment to think about it, I do see that his logic makes sense. ‘You can play detective later,’ Susie snaps, ‘I need to get this to Frank. There are too many mad people on board and if we can do something to contain one of them then that is what I intend to do.’
With a fierceness that has only recently become apparent, Susie marches out of the room, her head held high and her hand gripping the rope tightly. Half an hour later, Susie, Sam, Frank and I are all back in the living area, sipping tea in silence.
Luke, who has been silent ever since the submarine moved, is now securely looked in the bedroom. He has a bathroom so he can access water from the tap. He won’t die of dehydration.
None of us have thought about what to do in the long term, if there is one.
‘Did you all feel the submarine move?’ Susie finally looks up from her tea.
‘Sure did.’ Frank sits there with a scowl on his face.
‘What do you think it was?’
‘I was hoping Fiona or Anya could answer but…’ Sam’s words trail off.
‘It seems the batteries weren’t fixed then and now it seems pretty clear that Anya is the loon.’ Frank cups his mug of tea with his large hands, and sadness spreads across his face.
‘Don’t you think we should try to find Anya?’ Susie looks to me.
I shrug. I’m finding it difficult to care about anything anymore.
‘If we do, we should put her in the room with Luke.’ Sam is so white his skin appears almost see-through. The short kempt beard he once kept has now become straggly. Gradually we are all giving up.
‘Damn it’—Frank slams his mug down on the table spilling half the contents—‘can’t anyone else smell that? It stinks.’
No one says anything at first. We all know what’s causing it and we can all smell it too. It’s been in the air for a while and it is getting stronger.
‘Well you could have helped put them in the freezer,’ Sam says with spite.
‘Them?’ Susie’s lip begins to tremble. ‘You are talking about people, not pieces of meat. I can’t believe this is happening.’
I can’t listen to any more so I put my hands up over my ears and rock myself slowly back and forth, trying to escape from the horrifying reality.
With my eyes closed all I can see is Fiona’s face in my mind; how swollen it was, how blue it went. I am going to die in this place, surrounded by bodies until the oxygen finally runs out and I take my last sad breath.
29
Child
I’d gotten used to living with Nick and his special hugs. It became a normal part of life although it made me feel dirty.
Mummy and Nick were arguing a lot. He wasn’t working and spent lots of time at home, sitting on the sofa and watching TV.
‘You’re a lazy slob. Stop living off your woman. Be a man!’ I used to hear Mummy say when they were shouting at each other.
During their fights, which I think were also physical, I would sneak out of the house and go into the shed, where Robin lived. I’d moved the bird in there as soon as it was fully grown. It needed room to fly. Neither Mummy or Nick ever went into the shed. It had nothing much in it apart from some very old paint pots and rusty garden tools that I’m sure they didn’t know existed. It was a safe place for me to keep my secret.
Robin was always so pleased to see me that it helped me to forget what it was I was trying to escape. The bird was so tame it would fly straight onto my finger and let me stroke the soft feathers on its chest.
Every day, on my walk to school, I would keep an eye out for worms. Whenever it had rained they would appear on the path and I’d pick them up and put them into an empty matchbox. It would remain in my pocket all day until I got home when I’d rush to give my friend the treat.
I did steal some money from Mummy’s purse so that I could buy Robin some birdseed. The bird didn’t seem to like the worms much. It wasn’t very much money but I did feel bad, although I knew other kids were given pocket money by their parents. I heard some people talk about it in the playground once. I never got pocket money. It was a miracle if I had a present from her for my birthday. Mummy sometimes gave me some pound coins and told me to go and get myself something. Usually, I bought sweets.
That day was just like the rest. I fed and chatted to Robin before going in to make myself my tea. I sat alone at the kitchen table and ate a boiled egg and bread with butter, then had an apple.
At eight-thirty I took myself up to bed and waited for the visit from Nick, which normally came at about half-past eleven. I hated him coming into my room, the smell of kebab on his breath.
That night was no different at first. I faced the wall while Nick hugged me and stared out the window at the stars. My curtains weren’t properly closed so I could see the night sky. I liked looking at it. Sometimes I used to think I was an alien who had ended up on the wrong planet. I imagined the place where I really belonged, a long way away from Nick, Mummy and school.
As I allowed myself to daydream I heard my bedroom door swing open. I turned my head to see Mummy standing there watching us. I’d seen her look at me with disgust before but the look on her face then is something I won’t ever forget.
She launched forward grabbing Nick by the back of his T-shirt and pulled him off me. I rolled into a ball and pulled the covers up over my head while I listened to her scream and hit him.
‘Get out! You horrible fucking man! Get out of my house!’
I listened to her tirade carry on as she followed him out onto the landing and down the stairs.
Frozen and unable to move I thought I was going to die from shame. The shouting carried on for a while and I heard things being thrown. Then the front door slammed shut and everything went quiet. After that the only noise I heard was Mummy sobbing. That went on for a while.
It was twelve-thirty when I heard her footsteps coming up the stairs. I could hear that she was walking slower than usual. Then her bedroom door closed.
As soon as I heard that sound I jumped out of bed, pulled on some trousers and tiptoed downstairs. I needed to see Robin. I needed to be with my friend.
Passing through the living room, which had a broken lamp lying on the floor, I went into the kitchen and to the back door. The key was always left in the lock so I didn’t have any difficulty getting into the garden.
My feet were bare and it was cold outside but I had to get out of the house. I wanted to be close to something that loved me.
The long grass was icy and crunchy beneath my feet and I rushed down to the other end of the garden and into the shed. Robin had been sleeping and was surprised by my arrival. I called the little bird, which sat on a high plank shelf looking at me for a while before it flew down onto my finger.
‘Hello, little bird.’ I hadn’t realised I was crying. The bird didn’t like that my hand was shaking and so returned to its position on the plank.
‘Don’t be like that,’ I sobbed, ‘it’s me. Please come down.’ I shone the torch up. But the bird decided it wanted to go back to sleep and gradually closed its eyes.
I returned to the house with my head hung low, feeling the deepest, saddest I ever have.
The next day Mummy left for work without saying a word to me. There was a strange atmosphere in the house. As I left for school I saw a bin bag by the front door. It was filled with all of Nick’s things.
The day at school went by really slowly. I just wanted to get back to Robin and the shed where I felt safe.
On the walk back it was raining but I didn’t mind. I just was pleased to be away from school. Given how Mummy had behaved that morning, I wasn’t sure what to expect when I got back and as I turned the corner onto our lane I was surprised to see lights on in the house. Mummy wasn’t usually back from work until later and I wondered if maybe Nick had come back to the house.
As I reached the path to the front door I looked down at the weeds that were growing through the broken paving slabs. Suddenly I felt sad that I lived in a house
that wasn’t loved. I’d pass other houses on my walks, and notice how tidy and cared for they appeared. Our house wasn’t like that.
I opened the door carefully and looked around to see if Nick was there. Although the lights in the living room were on it was empty and I felt a wave of relief. I hung my bag and coat on a peg and went into the kitchen to stand by the stove. The rain had soaked my clothes and I was shivering from the cold.
In the kitchen I found Mummy sitting alone at the table. She had a stony look on her face and I froze. Why was she home from work so early? Her eyes looked me up and down.
The rainwater was dripping off me and splashing on the tiled floor. The hatred in her eyes made me wish I had never been born. I didn’t know what to do. So I just stood there looking at the small puddle of water gathering on the floor around my feet. My shoes were muddy and I knew that would upset Mummy, too.
‘Sit down.’ She pointed to the chair opposite her. Her hand was trembling with rage and the fear inside me made me feel sick, but I did as I was told. ‘Now. You and I need to have a little chat.’ Her voice was strangely soft.
I couldn’t look her in the eye. The disappointment on her face was too much for me to bear.
‘We need to talk about him.’ She couldn’t bring herself to say his name. ‘He has gone and he won’t be coming back.’ There was a touch of sadness in her voice. ‘He has left for good.’ I could hear her choking back tears. ‘Your little affair is over.’
It was then that I looked up.
‘You thought you could sleep with my man and get away with it. I should have known, a good-for-nothing little piece of shit like you would stoop that low. Look at you, you’re a disgusting little maggot. Why he fell for it I will never know. You perverted him, somehow, twisted his mind. You make me sick. I cannot believe you came out of my body. I should have gotten rid of you the moment I discovered I was pregnant. You are as worthless and revolting as your father.’
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