by Debra Kayn
"But, you did, sweetie." Bree inhaled deeply. "You did. I know when you can think about everything without all the pressure, you can honestly say you don't regret a moment of your first marriage. Mel understands that."
She lowered her chin to her chest. "I was young when I married Duke. I never thought of us as married or a family until I got pregnant. It was always about living the day and being happy. Now, I'm older, and there are all these questions, and I feel like I’m a bitter woman, ruining Mel's life because I'm the one who can't see past my experience. You know, he's younger than me."
Bree snorted. "By three years. You're trying to grasp at problems that aren't there, honey."
"Still, I've been married to his MC brother. I have a son. I have a family who now lives with me. I have—"
"Alright, stop it. You're being ridiculous."
"I am not," said Raelyn.
She looked in Bree's eyes and found empathy staring back at her. "God, I'm pathetic. You want to hear the crazy part? I want him in my life, forever. I want to have sex with him. I just can't belong to him."
"Concentrate on what you can accept with him." Bree kissed her cheek and whispered, "You're due the time of your life, sweetie. The rest will work out."
She inhaled swiftly. Then why was she falling apart?
Bree turned Raelyn around and gave her a gentle push. She walked forward, spotting Mel standing by the couch, listening to the men talk around him. His gaze locked on her. Her stomach fluttered as if Bree's advice gave her permission to seek what her heart was telling her.
Mel reached for her, hooking her pinky with his finger and pulling her close. "Need another beer?"
"Sure." She held on to him as he grabbed JayJay's attention to bring her another beer.
"Hey, Raelyn." Battery swept his hair back and at the same time stuck an unlit cigarette on the top of his ear. "Thanks for sending Saturday night's records over and keeping track of sales between the different attractions at the bar."
She smiled, knowing she went overboard, but it was important for her to show Ronacks that the profits tripled between the sports crowd and her mom entertaining the customers. "I thought you'd like to see the results. We even doubled the money compared to last year in the same month."
"Noted." Battery's gaze softened. "If this keeps up, you might get your wish to open at three every day instead of one o'clock."
"It'll happen." She grinned.
Two hours would make a world of difference in her life. On Saturdays, she'd have more time with Dukie, and during the week, she could work on the books, order supplies, and not run her waitresses ragged. Even get two more hours of sleep, which she desperately needed.
"Maybe we can get her to sing tonight?" JayJay whistled under his breath. "She's looking hot."
Raelyn shook her head, unsure if she heard his comment right. Was he talking about her mom?
"Relax," Mel whispered in her ear.
"Who is he talking about?" Her beer bottle grew heavier the more her daughter's intuition kicked in, and she turned around.
There as bright as a full moon in the dead of winter, her mom leaned against the pool table in a canary yellow sundress. Her mother's hand laid on Choke's chest as she laughed over something he'd said. Raelyn gawked. Choke wasn't funny. He wasn't even a good conversationalist. Though he was decent and honorable, something her mom never radared in on when choosing men before. Usually, her mom went for the needy, desperate, eccentric bums that could mooch off her and sink her self-esteem into the gutter when they left her.
"Shit," she mumbled. "Why is my mother here?"
"LeWorth and his wife invited her over to party." Mel wrapped his arms around her from behind. "She'll be fine."
"I'm not worried about her." She glanced over her shoulder. "You need to warn the men."
Mel's chest rumbled against her back. "Yeah, I don't think so. The guys will survive your mom."
"It's not funny." She leaned her head back against his chest. "My mother has no right to be at the party or going in the back room. She wouldn't go in the back room, would she? You know what? Let's go home."
"Now?"
"Yeah. I need to get out of here." She set her beer down and turned around. "I need to talk to you, and the timings is right."
"Hey." Mel held her in place. "Are you running from your mom?"
"No. No. Of course, not." She wrinkled her nose to prove she wasn't when she totally was. "We came on your motorcycle and...I want to take a ride. Maybe we could stop somewhere, private, and talk."
"A long way home?" He dipped his chin.
She scraped her lower lip with her front teeth. Ronacks swore to the patch to ride with purpose. Unless they were riding for club business or from one destination to another, all recreational riding had to be approved by two or more members for safety reasons. "We could park at the bar and go for a walk."
"I don't walk."
Of course, he doesn't. What biker would choose to go somewhere on foot when they had a motorcycle?
Frustrated, because anywhere she'd go with him, he could touch her and then they'd end up having sex, she bit her lip. Once that happened, she'd never be able to tell him everything he deserved to know. "We'll talk in the parking lot at the bar. It won't take very long, and it'll be easier for me to have a conversation when I know Dukie isn't in the other room sleeping or my Grandma June and Carl are down the hall."
"Okay," he said.
She barely made it ten steps toward the door, and her mother intercepted her. "Are you leaving?"
"Yes, but it'll be a little while until we go back to the bar." Raelyn looked behind her mom. The party was only getting started. At least the women who hung around the clubhouse on the weekend were still dressed. "You shouldn't stay too late, mom."
Her mom waved her hand in front of her face. "Don't worry about me. This isn't the first biker party I've attended."
"I was afraid you'd say that," she muttered.
"Did you talk to Carl today?" Her mom stepped closer. "He left early this morning and was supposed to be back to have dinner, and he never showed up at the bar."
Raelyn rubbed her forehead. "No, sorry. We took Dukie bike riding and then stopped at the deli and had sandwiches. I completely forgot. I'll make sure I talk to him tomorrow, okay?"
Her mom nodded. "Thank you."
She squeezed her mom's hand and then walked with Mel out of the clubhouse. With the fresh air and being alone with him, her stomach fluttered with nerves. He'd be expecting her to talk about their marriage. It'd be easier if they could talk about sex. At least they agreed they were good together in bed, or on the top of a desk.
Mel handed her the leather coat she'd worn on the way over. She slipped her arms into the sleeves. The familiar heaviness settled on her. Duke had brought the jacket home for her before they were married and ordered her to wear it anytime she sat her ass on the back of his bike.
She took the helmet Mel gave her and slipped it on her head. After so many years not riding, she expected to be leery about climbing back on the seat, but she trusted Mel and riding to the party gave her a reason to touch him without requiring a conversation or commitment.
"Ready?" Mel sat on the bike.
She climbed up behind him, slipped her arms around him and hugged him with her body. In fifteen minutes, they'd arrive at the bar, and she had to put them both out of their misery and talk about how to go forward and fix their past.
Chapter Seventeen
Raelyn stood near her car in the parking lot behind the bar. Mel sat on his Harley, not trusting himself not to take her upstairs to get out of talking. He remained quiet, letting her work through what she wanted to tell him.
Every time she looked at him, he braced himself to hear she wanted to go in front of the club and split up. It wasn't like anyone had to tell him that he'd fucked up. They were set in a routine, avoiding what happened and concentrating on the bar, Raelyn's family, and Dukie instead.
All he wanted her to do
was admit that she belonged to him. They could work out any problems that came up.
"Okay." Raelyn inhaled deeply. "I'll just get to the point. You should never have taken me in front of the club without asking me."
"I asked, and you answered."
She let her head fall back and stared up at the night sky. "Mel...you can't believe that."
"I do."
"Everyone knows you don't trust what a guy says when he's having sex." She lowered her gaze to the ground. "I guess it's true for women, too."
"I believe the saying is you can't trust what a man says when he's trying to convince you to have sex and, babe, I was deep inside of you. There was no trying to convince you. The deed was done. You knew exactly how you answered me." Mel's jaw ticked. "For once you let go, and you spoke your mind. Something you haven't done since you had Dukie."
"What are you saying?" she asked, crossing her arms. "I'm lying?"
"Yep." He gazed down the road. "Just look at you right now. It's killing you to tell me the truth and admit you love me. I'm not the only one you do it with. You're afraid of speaking your mind with your family. Any time one of the women at the bar ask how you are, you say fine. Battery asks you if you need more money and you say no. I ask if you want any help, and you say no. Do you want me to go on?"
"I might not agree with my mom's behavior, but I wouldn't hurt her feelings," she said. "Just because I tell people what they want to hear instead of unloading my life on them doesn't mean I'm not telling the truth. If it were important, I'd answer them."
"You bend over backward doing your job of managing the bar to please Battery until you're exhausted."
She shook her head. "That's not fair. I have a roof over my head, money in my pocket, and with the Ronacks members always around, my son is protected. I'd be stupid to mess that up."
"You won't admit that you love me," he said.
"I tell you I do all the time."
He got off his bike and stood. "When you were with Duke, I used to admire the relationship you had with him. The way you talked to each other, the ease at which you were both in the same space, the tender looks you'd share making it seem like you both were alone in a crowd. Man, Duke was in love with you, and he took a lot of ribbing from the club, being a pussy and all, when around you."
Raelyn swiped her cheek with her fingers. "I didn't know."
He shook his head. "We respected him enough to keep it in the clubhouse. Truth be told, we were happy for both of you. Most of us came from homes where love wasn't shown or at least not shown enough, or we hadn't yet found the one woman that meant more than wearing the patch."
Raelyn closed her eyes and blew out her breath. "Are you telling me that you love me enough to put me first in your life?"
His gaze locked on hers, he said, "Yeah."
She visibly flinched and shook her head. "Impossible. Not even Duke could put me above the club, even though I knew he loved me. That duty to Ronacks is what got him killed. They needed him, and he was there without question. I needed him more, and he wasn't there. I was pregnant with his son."
He reached for her, and she stepped away. "Duke loved you and the baby."
"I've never had any doubt that I was loved." She swallowed hard. "What I'm saying is you're a Ronacks member. I love you. The way you care and treat Dukie has me falling harder and harder for you, every single day, until it scares me so much I'm afraid I'm going to break when something happens to you, and I can't go through losing someone else I love again. I need to be strong because I have my life sleeping upstairs in the bar underneath his Superman blanket who has no idea how precious his life is right now. I don't want him to learn how cruel and harsh the world can be when someone he loves is lost to him, ever."
"That won't happen," he murmured.
"Duke had said the same thing to me."
He bowed his head unable to deflect the truth. She'd made a valid point. He had no way to justify his love for her above the club when she had a son to think about, and she knew the inside workings of how the Ronacks Motorcycle Club dealt with trouble in Haugan.
The Russian mob that came after Bree had killed Duke. Raelyn had seen Gia hide in fear against the Yesler Street Gang. Rod, one of their own, almost died when he was stabbed in the stomach outside Pine Bar & Grill and then later, Heather was attacked in Rod's house.
Those were only the Ronacks business that she was aware of. There was more that'd happened that she would never know about.
As a member, he was involved with each crime. He'd buried men. He'd killed. And, Raelyn was right. He would ultimately put his life on the line for his MC brothers without question. He had his burdens to carry, and those burdens would never touch her.
He walked a few feet away from her. "Fuck," he said vehemently.
His rapid pulse roared in his head. For him, it was all or nothing. He either had everything that came with Raelyn, or he had nothing. There was no fucking way he could be around her, wanting her, loving her, and not have her. He didn't want her as a fucking friend.
He also couldn't force her to lower her expectations and put her own happiness to the side for him. Thrusting his hands in his hair, he shook his head. He loved her, but he'd signed on to Ronacks MC for life.
She wanted a promise that he wouldn't die from a bullet. He couldn't give that to her.
"I'll take you to the clubhouse in the morning." He closed his eyes and inhaled deeply at the pain in his chest. "You'll have to let them know we're no longer..."
Warmth landed on his back and her arms wrapped around him from behind. "Mel?"
He shook his head. "The club..."
"I know."
His throat spasmed and closed. "I can't leave. There's no leaving Ronacks."
"I know. I would never ask you to."
"How do I let you go?" he said. "You're mine."
"I'm sorry," she whispered. "I'm so sorry."
She rubbed his stomach and pressed her cheek against his back. Her body trembled in silent sobs, gutting him. He had to get out of here. Her and Dukie had become the center of his life. She wanted him to step back. It was impossible.
He cleared his throat. "Let's get you inside."
She let go, and only then could he hear her sniffles over the rage thrumming through his body. He slipped his hand into hers. There was nothing more to say.
He couldn't make this any harder on her. He'd made a big fucking mistake and never took in the considerations Raelyn would have to work through. His belief that love would triumph over anything else wasn't true for a woman with a child. Rightly so, Dukie needed to come first. It was one of the reasons why he'd left home as a teenager because his own mom wasn't able to put him first in her life.
Six feet from the back door, Raelyn stopped and let go of his hand. She dug into her back pocket and brought out her phone. Her brows lowered, and she frowned.
"What's wrong?" he asked.
"I'm not sure." She showed him the screen. "Carl needs me. He's hurt."
"Hurt, how?"
"I don't know." She typed on the screen. "He didn't tell me where he is or give me an address."
"Once you know, I'll call Battery. We'll get riders to him."
"I'm going with." She bit her lip and stared at the cell phone. "Come on, Carl. Answer me."
"You can't go."
Her gaze snapped to his face. "He's my brother. If he's hurt, I have a car."
"Damnit. You can't —"
The phone vibrated. She said, "154 Cedar Street. That's the back street behind the—"
"Store." He unlocked the back door of the bar, turned off the alarm, and waved Raelyn inside. "Get in. I'm taking off."
"I'm going with you." She backed up a step.
"Dukie is upstairs." He raised his brows. She'd just finished telling him she needed to know her son had a protected life and he used her words to make sure she was around to be a mother. "I'll bring Carl to you."
She pursed her lips and nodded, slipping inside the bar.
He waited until she'd locked the door from the inside, set the alarm, and looked at him.
Damn.
She pressed her hand to the glass, and he laid his palm on the opposite side. His gut tightened and he stepped away. She understood the dangers, and as long as he was with her, she'd never lose the fear that came over her when someone was in trouble. Because she knew, he had to go.
He jogged to his motorcycle, tapping out a text to Battery. Following club procedure, he'd have at least three Ronacks members there to meet him in case he ran into trouble. He shook off the bleakness of the situation between him and Raelyn and concentrated on finding Carl for Raelyn.
Less than five minutes later, he rolled to a stop beside Rod, Swiss, and JayJay. He held up four fingers and circled his hand, ordering them all to come in at the address from different directions. If someone were waiting for them or planned an attack on the club, they'd be surrounded. With the pistol tucked into the back of his jeans, he wouldn't be the one not walking away.
At the address Carl had given his sister, Mel found the kid sitting on the curb, his legs straight out, his shoulders slumped forward, and his arms hung loosely at his sides. Mel passed the kid, stopped, and walked his motorcycle back until the rear tire hit the curb.
Carl barely raised his head as more motorcycles stopped in front of him. Mel squatted down and grabbed a handful of Carl's hair, pulling his head up. He winced. There wasn't a spot on his face that wasn't bloody, swollen or cut.
"Are you hurt anywhere else besides your head?" Mel asked.
"Ribs." Carl wheezed. "Back."
Rod approached and handed Carl a T-shirt to mop his face. Mel studied the area. The lighted area at the back of the only grocery store in town covered the loading dock and half the street. There were no houses on the other side of the road. The community park, consisting of two lots, lay in darkness with nobody around.
Mel brought his gaze back to the kid. "Who's responsible for the damage?"
"Don't know," mumbled Carl.
"How many?"
