“It’s a game,” Sunny says again and runs her fingers over the big eyes of the red creature. “Like music with pictures.”
Anika clearly has no damn clue what TV is, but she’s so curious she can’t help finally touching it like Neri and Sunny. When nothing happens, she relaxes a little.
Neri asks, “Can you say ‘game’ for me?”
“Game,” Anika says and flinches again as the picture changes.
Neri shows her the remote and has her push a button. The screen returns to the puppet show.
“You did that,” my sister coos. “Want to push again?”
Once Anika realizes she can make the faces on the TV change when she pushes a button, she’s uninterested in anything else for the next hour. The remote is her favorite new thing.
With her toys propped against the couch arm, Anika sits next to her mother. I sit on the other side of Sunny and hold her hand. She alternates between smiling at her daughter giggling over the changing faces on the TV and smiling at me for stroking her palm. I like to believe she’s happy, but I also sense Sunny feels overwhelmed and on display.
Soon, though, Cobain wanders off, and Neri sits on another couch with the grumpy old dog. She also gets Anika to say different words based on whatever we’re watching.
“Do we leave tomorrow?” Sunny whispers. “I can’t remember when we’re leaving for Nicaragua.”
I smile at her improved pronunciation of her soon-to-be home. Brushing her knuckles against my lips, I hold her gaze.
“We need to remain for a day or two. You and Anika need paperwork to leave the United States. The people from that cult are looking for us. If we stay out of sight, they might think we got away. Then they’ll stop looking for us, and we can sneak out of this state without more violence.”
I suspect I have overexplained. Sunny nods, but I don’t think she understands about the paperwork. If we fly, she’ll surely be terrified. If we take a boat, she’ll no doubt be terrified. If we drive the entire way south, she’ll certainly be terrified. There’s no easy scenario.
I’d love for Sunny to never feel fear again, but it’s an emotion that’ll keep her alert and alive. She can relax once we’re safe in Playa Cielo. She’ll have a long lifetime, enjoying everything she missed when trapped in that place. Anika can learn all the words in the world. She’ll have toys and watch TV without flinching. Sunny will smile easier.
I suffer not a single doubt that life will soon settle beautifully into place.
NERI
Kai relocates his twin bed into the room where Sunny and Anika sleep. Wanting to keep an eye on them is smart. I admit I wish I was in there too. The four of us could be safe and sound together, but I’m the odd man out.
The absolute darkness and silence outside the house also unsettle me. What if we’re already surrounded? The windows are all covered so no one can take aim from the darkness, but I still worry.
I decide to check the security protocols. If we’re attacked, what’s the best route out of here? I feel like this is a question I should have asked earlier, but I felt safe. Now I’m certain we’re on borrowed time.
With the light on my phone offering little help, I get lost on my search for the security room and Cobain. Before I can find my way back to my bedroom, I nearly slam into Cobain, who stands in the dark like a crazed ape. His thick black hair hangs loose, nearly covering his face and making his appearance more ominous.
“Did you sense I required your assistance?” I tease as I blind him with the light from my phone.
“Why are you wandering around the house?”
“I’m looking for the security tablet.”
Pushing my phone away so he can see, Cobain asks, “Why?”
“I want to know how secure we are.”
“Now?”
“Do you have sensors on the perimeter?” I ask, ignoring his annoyance.
“This is a safe house, meaning it’s safe.”
“Can I link into your security system?”
“No.”
“Can I check anything regarding our safety?”
“No.”
The silence is oppressive in the dark hallway. My mind returns to what Kai said before he left me for the night.
“Cobain might remind you of Papa, but he is not Papa. He has his own code, and that might not involve respecting your boundaries.”
My brother doesn’t use ugly words like rape. He talks around them because our parents grew up soaked in blood, pain, and shame. Our childhood, in contrast, was lovely and bright.
But I understood my brother’s meaning perfectly.
“I don’t feel safe here,” I tell Cobain.
“Because of me?”
“Because we have many enemies, and I’m in unknown territory.”
“You talk like a soldier, but you’re no soldier.”
“I don’t want to be a soldier,” I mutter, annoyed by his dismissive tone. “They’re expected to follow orders. I want to make my own.”
With the faint light from my phone, I catch sight of his smile. Then it’s gone. I feel him breathing heavier. Not hear it, but FEEL it.
“Why are you agitated?” I ask, switching the phone to my left hand so my dominant one can reach for the gun on my hip.
Cobain doesn’t answer immediately. Has he noticed where my hand has gone?
“I want to fuck you,” he says in a voice thick with desire and hinting at violence.
“Yes, I know. You’re not subtle, but that’s never ever going to happen,” I say and then add, “Tonight.”
A noise similar to an animal’s growl rises in Cobain. I tighten my grip on the gun and wait for him to make his move.
“Your father did a shit job raising you,” he says, hoping to anger me.
“He loves me too much,” I calmly reply. “Now that we’ve shared personal information, can I look at the security operation here?”
“You should have asked when you arrived.”
“True. I failed like you never would. Now take pity on me and fix my mistake.”
No longer looking seconds away from lunging for me, Cobain exhales loudly. I even catch him rolling his eyes.
“I assume you’ll wander around all night, bothering me if I don’t.”
“Yes, and I’ll no doubt set off a few alarms while wandering. It’s really in your best interest to show me what you have set up here.”
Words proving incompatible with his current mood, Cobain silently walks past me. I follow him, assuming he’s taking me somewhere to discuss the security protocols rather than luring me to his sex dungeon.
We end up in the kitchen, where he slaps the security tablet on the wooden table. I sit down and look over the various icons. Tapping on one brings up the cameras near the road. Another icon reveals the perimeter around the house. A third shows a map of the property with security sensors flashing green. I notice this house has a basement bunker and what looks like a tunnel connected to the garage and leading away from the road.
Finally, I study the last icons which are locked. “What are these?”
“Failsafe measures.”
“Such as?”
“That’s need-to-know, and you don’t fall in that category.”
“Because I’ll be gone from your life in two days?”
“And you’ll be the problem of the next safe house.”
“Why can’t we head straight to the airport and leave your country?”
“They’ll be watching for you. The only way to avoid them is to take the back roads, stay away from their other compounds, and reach a saner state.”
Though Cobain radiates a wild man vibe, I sense he’s really just given up. Too much time alone in the middle of a quiet land will turn a man to his basest form. My father gets odd when he remains on the ocean for too long. His mind goes to dark places, and he forgets the softer side of himself. But Papa needs the ocean too. He finds peace as long as he doesn’t stay for too long.
Despite understanding Cobain�
�s predicament, I don’t think to give him advice. We’re strangers. He’s lived a life I know nothing about, and I only understand personal struggles from the outside. I saw my parents work through their haunted memories, but I’ve never suffered from any of my own.
Cobain retrieves a bottle of bourbon and takes a swig.
“Won’t that cloud your mind during a time when you should remain sharp?” I ask.
“Unlikely,” he grunts and sits down. “Can’t you hold your liquor?”
“No, I can’t.”
Frowning at my honesty, Cobain probably assumed I’d lie to puff up my toughness. That, of course, would be the behavior of a woman with something to prove. I am not that woman.
“If an army of those weirdoes came to this safe house, would you be ready?” I ask while holding his dark gaze.
“I’m always ready.”
“And if they overwhelm us, how quickly would you save yourself and leave us to die?”
“Are you asking me to save you again?”
Smiling, I shrug. “What else do you have to do with your life?”
Cobain tries glaring at me, but his lips finally hint at a smile. “With as little action as I see lately, I might as well retire.”
“Well, if you ever do, there’s lots of space in Nicaragua. Fewer wackos there too.”
“Are you inviting me to visit you after this?”
“Sure. I like new friends.”
Cobain’s brow creases, giving him a confused look. No doubt, women usually agree to sex without any chitchat. I can’t imagine many want to be his pal. Cobain doesn’t give off a particularly friendly vibe.
In fact, I’m growing a little uneasy remaining so long alone with him in a dimly lit room. Not only out of concern that I’ll be unable to stop a sudden attack. But also, because the longer I’m in his presence, the more I want to know him.
This isn’t the time to get silly over a man, especially one like Cobain. I need to remain sharp. I’m already concerned about Sunny’s compatibility with my brother. Plus, there are evil men and women searching for us with the intent to kill. And in two days, I will leave this safe house and never return.
No, getting silly over Cobain isn’t an option, and I don’t trust either of us to behave if we’re alone much longer.
Standing up, I notice disappointment in his dark expression. He wants me around. I can’t take that notion personally, of course. He’s been alone for a while. Who knows how long? He wants to fuck me because he wants to fuck someone, and I’m the only available woman in our group.
I leave him with a quiet goodnight and a thank-you. He remains silent as I disappear down the dark hallway. I half expect him to offer to show me to my room, but he must know I’ll decline.
Cobain might be desperate, but he isn’t stupid. He understands what this is and how it won’t last.
SUNNY
In the dream, I know Kenneth is dead. I remember him dying from a bullet to his head. Despite knowing the shepherd is gone, I still fear him in the dream. When Kenneth wraps my braid in his hand and jerks my head down to the ground, the pain is real. I wake up, still smelling the dirt in my nostrils. I even feel him breathing on my neck after I open my eyes.
Then I realize the breath belongs to Anika behind me in bed. Twisting around, I find her sleeping with her lips in a pout.
Kai left his phone’s light on, so we wouldn’t be scared. When I sit up, I can make out his shape in the other bed. Though I should feel comforted by knowing he’s nearby, it’s not enough.
I climb out of bed and sneak closer. Kai’s touch feels so different than Kenneth’s or that of the other homestead men. Still smelling the dirt from the dream, I need to remember how Kai pulled me from that life.
I’m free. He won’t let me go back. I’m going to live with him at the beach. Anika and I will never return to that awful place.
Leaning closer to Kai, I inhale his clean scent. He took a shower earlier, and I smell his shampoo. Is his thick, wavy hair still damp? I fight the urge to touch him and find out.
I look back at Anika and know I should return to her. There’s no reason to be scared. I’m as safe in that bed as I am leaning over Kai, but I can’t force my body to move away from him.
Fear grips me like it hasn’t in years. I’d grown numb to life at the homestead. Get up, do what they want, don’t think, submit to the rules, protect Anika by teaching her to be weak, and then go to bed.
Now the terror steals my breath, and I can’t walk away from Kai’s bed.
At some point, he wakes. I don’t know how long he watches me. Kai doesn’t tell me to go back to my bed or ask what I’m doing. He pulls back his blanket and waits for me to crawl in next to him.
Once his arms are around me, I can breathe again. I grip his shirt and inhale his clean scent. Does he have any idea how perfect he feels to someone like me? I’m no one and offer nothing. He is flawless and offers me freedom, safety, and comfort. It’s such an unfair tradeoff. Why doesn’t Kai realize how little he receives for all he gives?
His fingers stroke my cheek, testing me. I wiggle closer. I want to be part of him. Being me is no good. I exist to be destroyed. I have no value except for my body, which I’ll happily give to Kai. He can take all of me.
If I pucker my lips, will he do the same and kiss me?
As usual, Kai knows what I want without me speaking. His lips press against mine. I don’t know how to make the kiss better. I don’t think this is how men and women do it. Should I use my tongue?
I try to lick him, but Kai only pulls away and gives me a little smile. My earlier calm peels away, and anxiety pours out.
Cupping my jaw, Kai kisses me again. This time, it’s deeper. A violent heat rips through my body. My heart races, and I tear at his shirt.
Before I can lose control, the kiss ends. Kai brushes his lips against my forehead, and I breathe unsteadily. I stare in his eyes and beg for more. I feel so alive right now. Strong and beautiful too. Kai gives me power, and I’m desperate for more.
“Close your eyes,” he says, and his thumb slides across each eyelid.
Despite craving more kisses, I obey. My hands unclench and rest gently against his chest. I keep my eyes closed and think about his lips—how they look when he smiles and how they feel against mine.
Sleep takes me soon after my eyes close. I didn’t even feel tired, only extreme terror replaced by intense relief followed by overwhelming lust.
But Kai knew what I needed, just as he has from the beginning. With him against me, I sleep easily and without bad dreams. I only wake when I hear Anika calling for me.
Sitting up, I spot her on her knees. There’s a hint of light from outside. My baby is afraid to find herself alone. I hurry to her bed, and she dives for me.
“Duck?” she whimpers.
I feel around in the bed for the doll, but it’s gone. Kai appears next to us with it in his hand.
“Duck fell on the floor,” he whispers and hands the toy to Anika, who sighs with relief. “Do you need to use the bathroom?”
When Anika nods, Kai reaches for the phone to use as a flashlight. I nearly turn the wrong direction, but he remembers the way even in the dark and just after waking up. I’m amazed by how confident he always seems.
Soon, we’re back in the room with Anika and me in one bed and Kai in his. He says we should rest until the sun is up. Then we can have breakfast and play with the TV again.
Anika presses her back against my stomach, wanting to be close. I hold her while propping my head up with the pillows so I can keep sight of Kai. If I’m her security blanket, then he’s mine.
≫SIX SPENT SHELLS≪
KAI
At eight, Cobain wakes everyone in the house by blasting “My Girl” over the intercom. I inhale the scent of sausage and assume the music is his way of letting us know breakfast is ready. Considering how long he’s likely been alone out here, I sense he’s excited to cook for other people.
Sunny wakes up, wearin
g the same overstimulated expression she had when she climbed in bed with me. After years of submission and numbness, she’s embracing change too fast. Sunny would have easily given herself to me last night, even with her daughter nearby. Craving everything immediately, she’ll come crashing down soon, and I’m already prepared to catch her.
On the way to breakfast, Anika allows me to carry her. She keeps an eye on my face, waiting for me to become a bad guy. Today, I plan to introduce Spanish words into her vocabulary. I’m sure it’ll be easier for her to learn a new language than Sunny, but I’m fully willing to act as their translator for however long they need.
Anika sits between her mother and me at the kitchen table where fried eggs, sausage, and toast are stacked on plates. Neri arrives late to breakfast, looking grumpy.
“The bed was awful,” she tells me in Spanish. “I couldn’t get comfortable. I thought I heard Anika crying, but it was all in my head.”
“Try a different bed tonight,” I suggest while she walks to the counter where coffee brews.
Neri looks up at Cobain and frowns. “Did you sleep all night or remain awake to ensure our safety?”
“Slept like a fucking baby.”
My sister breaks into a smile before taking her coffee cup to the table. “What’s the plan for the day?” she asks me.
“I want to prepare our new family for the trip ahead,” I say and then shrug. “We should also decide on our route out of this country.”
“Cobain,” Neri says after sipping her coffee. He doesn’t turn around when she speaks, but his frame tenses at the sound of her voice. “Do you have any weapons I can use for target practice?”
“It’s a safe house,” he says as if speaking to a child.
“Can I shoot the gun you used yesterday?”
Cobain struggles between paying attention to my sister and pretending she doesn’t matter. I’m glad he chooses to play hard to get. If he focused his male charms on Neri, she might actually fall for him. And no one wants that.
Badlands (Spent Shells, #1) Page 9
