by Rachel Astor
“Leo, the whole bloody world knows about me that way.”
He let out a sarcastic chuckle. “I guess I was the one who was a little star struck this time.”
I shook my head, totally unable to wrap my head around that one. Although maybe a Prince could get star struck, dreaming about the life of a normal person. A much less than perfect person.
“I am sorry for all of this Josie,” he said. “I really am.”
“I know,” I said, smiling. “Me too. Look, I’m just going to go back to the castle and, if Miranda lets me, I’m going to try to do whatever I can to finish the book and then I’m going to fly the home. Alright?”
“Sure,” he said. “I’ll see what I can do about Miranda.”
“Thanks.”
I sat, staring at my phone, wondering if Leo would ever find his happiness.
“Hey,” Jen said, slowly coming to life. “I hope that wasn’t Jake.”
I shook my head. “Leo.”
“Oh,” was all she said.
Really, there wasn’t much else to say.
“I’m going to head back,” I said. “Will you be okay?”
Jen nodded, and she really did look better. “I dreamed about being a mom last night.”
“Really?”
And then she smiled. “I’m going to keep the baby.”
I smiled back, surprising myself at how excited I was. “Cool.”
I got up and grabbed my purse, trying to avoid all contact with the tabloids on the table. “Call me if you need anything, and let me know when you’re flying home, okay? Maybe I can fly with you. God, I don’t even know why I’m going back to the castle.”
“Because if there’s anything I know about you, it’s that you don’t hide from your problems.”
“I guess,” I said, though I wanted nothing more than to crawl right back onto the couch and sleep until the end of time.
But I had work to do. If anyone would let me do it, that is.
~ 17 ~
On my way back to the castle, driving in a rental car—why didn’t I think of that in the first place?—I kept having visions of a floating Miranda head saying, “you are not to be seen with the Prince,” and “sign here please.”
What had I been thinking? I’d signed a legal document saying I wouldn’t be seen with the guy and then I practically made myself an accessory on his arm. Granted, it was only because Leo had been so convincing, and I actually thought I wouldn’t be recognized.
My hand instinctively went to my necklace. How could I not have thought of the necklace? I mean, I wanted it near me because it was from Jake, and now look where that had gotten me.
I’d probably lost him for good.
My cell suddenly wailed.
“Hey Mattie,” I said.
“What in the hell have you been doing over there?” Mattie said. I could just tell he was practically waving his finger at me too. “I can’t leave you alone for one second!”
“Mattie, I’ve been gone almost three months, and I’m doing just fine.”
“Just fine? Just fine?” he squealed. “How on God’s green Earth do you think you’re doing just fine?”
I burst into tears.
Seriously, just burst right into them on the spot. Mattie sure had a way of putting things into perspective, and not in a good way either. The tears did not help my wrong side of the road driving in any way, shape, or form.
I struggled to focus on the road.
“Josie, it’s okay,” Mattie said. “Honestly hon, I didn’t mean to make you cry.”
“I know,” I said, gulping in a raspy breath. “It’s just that… everything is so screwed up. This stupid book is never going to get written even though I’ve wasted three months of my life on it.”
“It’s okay, Josie. Just look at it like you’ve discovered something you’re not really into. Now you don’t have to waste any more time doing jobs like this one.”
I sighed. He was not getting it. “Sure, but what the hell am I supposed to do about this one? I’ve committed to finishing this book, and I have like, three days to write almost the entire thing.”
“So go lock yourself up somewhere and write it.”
I rolled my eyes. “You can’t write a book in three days.”
“Okay, so what are the other options then?”
“That’s the thing, there are no other options. The book is due at the publishers in three days and if it doesn’t make it there, the production schedule gets thrown all to hell, and that’s if they even still agree to do the book.”
“So what will happen if they don’t do the book?”
“Well Leo won’t be too happy, I’m sure. Miranda will have my head. I won’t get paid. I will have wasted three months of my life for nothing…” I could have gone on and on, but Mattie stopped me before I got too wound up.
“Okay, so you either finish writing the book or you don’t,” he said, as if it didn’t even matter at all.
“Mattie!”
He took a deep breath. “All I’m saying is that the book might not be your biggest concern right now.”
The sting started behind my eyes again. “I know,” I whispered, trying to get a hold of myself. My breath was shaky when I tried to take a large gulp of air. “What am I going to do about Jake? He hasn’t called in three days.”
“He hasn’t?” Mattie said, obviously concerned.
I shook my head, then realized Mattie wouldn’t exactly be able to see it over the phone. “No. God, Mattie, what have I done? I had the greatest boyfriend in the world and I may have ruined the whole thing just by wanting to finish this stupid book.”
There was silence on the other end, which was really, really uncharacteristic of Mattie.
“Mattie? Are you still there?”
“Yeah gorgeous, I’m still here,” he said, but he didn’t have the usual flair in his voice.
“Mattie…” I said, starting to get scared. “What is it? What do you know?”
More silence.
“Mattie!”
My heart was starting to race and horrible thoughts of all possible worst case scenarios started scrolling through my head.
“Sorry,” he said, as if being jolted out of a daze. “I just… I promised I wouldn’t say anything, but I suppose at this point, it doesn’t really matter anymore…”
“Mattie! Spit it out!”
“Okay, okay. Don’t get so testy. It’s just that…”
Another long pause.
“Mattie…” I growled.
“Well, you know how all the papers have had that silly little wager going about you and Jake getting engaged or whatever…”
“Yeah…” I said, totally not following where he was going with all of this.
“…it’s just that… well, it might not have been that silly after all.”
My heart sped up even faster, but now my mind was completely blank. All I could think of was Jake and how much I knew now that I loved him. I mean, I’d been totally gaga over him the whole time, of course, but I never really let myself think about whether or not he was ‘the one.’ I mean, how ridiculous would it have been for me, a total nobody, to actually let myself think something with a movie star could actually last. If I were honest, I knew I couldn’t let myself even consider such things. It would just break my heart even worse in the end, so I’d told myself I was just having fun. No big commitment, no giant hope that anything would really ever come of it.
Jake was a millionaire movie star. I was a dorky klutz who had a knack for embarrassing herself in public. I could never let myself hope… except…
“God, Jake would kill me if he knew I was telling you this.”
“Mattie, there probably won’t even be a Jake around anymore, I think it’s safe to tell me.”
“You don’t know that.”
“Just tell me.”
He huffed. “Fine.” And that’s when his words started to speed up. Like to lightning speed. “Jake called like, a week ago and aske
d if I could help him out with something and he took me to Harry Winston where you can probably guess what he needed my help with because I’m the one who knows you better than anyone else and I would probably know what kind of ring you would like.”
My mouth dropped open. And then I closed it so I could say something, but then it dropped open again. Words flew through my head but I’m sure I was looking more like a fish blindly searching for food than and human trying to speak.
“Josie? Josie? Are you still there?”
I nodded.
“Josie?”
Oh right, he still couldn’t see me. “Um, yeah, I’m here. Did… did you just say Jake bought me a ring?”
“Uh huh.”
“And this was a week ago, before all the papers came out?”
“Yep.”
“Oh my God. Oh my God.”
And I had totally screwed the whole thing up.
Again.
God, what the hell was wrong with me? I should have been writing a manual on how to throw away all the good things in your life. Now Jake had to be thinking I was into Leo or something. I mean, he told me he didn’t like me hanging out with him so much, and then I went and paraded around all over the country with him. And I knew there would be photographers—how could there not be?
Then again, I’d committed to the book. I wanted to finally prove that I could do something well. Make something of myself. Pick up the pieces of my crumbled life.
And look how that turned out.
I’d not only sucked at writing memoirs, but I was apparently the suckiest girlfriend to ever have lived.
I’d put everything on hold for a contest, risked—and lost—everything and while I did come out with someone to love, a very, very special someone, I’d promised myself I wouldn’t make any more stupid choices.
And the second I got a chance to run away, doing something I was totally unqualified for, no less, I did it without even thinking it through.
And I lost the one good thing I had left.
I mean sure, I still had Mattie, and I was so grateful to have Jennifer now, but that was seriously it. There was no way they were going to pay me for a book that I didn’t even finish, so I had exactly zero there, I’d ruined everything with Jake. Even the dream that I wouldn’t let myself have, the one that I had been so ridiculously close to and not even known it, and didn’t even realize I wanted, except that now I knew I did, so badly. I would give anything to be with Jake—to be committed to Jake forever
To be his wife.
God, I didn’t even know I wanted to be a wife at all.
Until the moment I knew it was all gone.
Mattie let me cry as long as I wanted. The call was probably costing us both a fortune, but it didn’t matter. None of it mattered anymore.
Eventually I got myself together and somehow Mattie knew the exact right thing to say.
There were no, “Are you okays,” or “it’ll be alrights.”
He just simply said, “I love you Josie. You’ll figure this out. You always do.”
I smiled. He really was the best friend ever.
“I love you too,” I said. “I’ll talk to you soon.”
I hoped he was smiling on his end too when he said, “bye.”
I hung up and made my way back on to the road and drove the last few miles to Gatesbury.
Somehow, on this fittingly gloomy day, the castle just didn’t look as grand. It was still big, sure, huge really, but there was also something a little sad about it. A home this big with only one permanent resident. Sure, there were staff that stayed over, but they all had their own houses, their real homes.
Except for Leo.
And suddenly I realized what made him tick. What made him who he was.
The way he was when his mother visited, distant, like she was more like an aunt than a mother. And no father to be close to, he’d always been away—had more important things to do—and never really taken the time to know Leo.
I drove up the driveway and parked the car, seeing no one.
I snuck back into the castle as quietly as possible, took off my shoes, and crept to Melania’s old room.
Being there only enhanced the melancholy I was feeling.
Even in a relationship, Leo had a room on complete other side of the building.
And maybe worst of all, Leo didn’t have anyone like Mattie, or Jennifer to lean on when the ground was crumbling away under his feet.
He had a wall around him and had absolutely no clue how to let another soul into his life, to really let them in.
He simply didn’t know how.
I thought of him as a boy, of how lonely he must have always been.
And I thought about all the things that I had lost, but at least I’d had, if only for a little while.
And I sat down and wrote.
~ 18 ~
“What are you doing here?”
I spun around out of the fridge, my heart jumping into my throat. “Oh, Miranda. Sorry, I didn’t know anyone was here.”
I’d sat in Melania’s old room, typing, for who knows how long. I remembered getting up to turn on the light when it got dark, but no matter how late it got, I just kept writing, forgetting to eat, forgetting to drink anything. I only stopped to go to the bathroom once.
And I’d come a long way.
But it was clearer than ever I wasn’t going to finish the book.
Truly, I may have gained some insight into Leo these last few weeks, the way he was so determined not to let any of the adventures get the best of him, the way he always had that air of loneliness around him, the way he always tried just a little bit too hard.
But still… I didn’t know him. Not really.
I hardly knew anything about his history, his childhood, his college years. None of it.
I had written about everything from the moment I met him, but it was nowhere near enough.
And I had to come clean.
I closed the fridge and sat down on a stool at the kitchen island, and took a deep breath, looking her in the eye.
But it was strange. She looked… different somehow. Less severe.
Her hair hadn’t been straightened into submission and actually flowed in long waves, and I’d never seen her in casual clothes before. Always a suit. But now, she looked… cute. Really cute, actually. But more than anything, it was the expression she wore, like she was just tired. Defeated.
Ready to give up.
Like she didn’t really even care anymore.
Well, except to question my presence at Gatesbury, but then again, old habits are hard to break.
She sat down across from me. Well, flopped down really. All her fussy energy completely drained out of her.
“Are you okay?” I couldn’t help but ask.
She just shrugged.
“No really, what’s going on?” I was actually really starting to worry a bit. Something had to be really wrong for a person like Miranda to completely give up.
She looked at me, sizing me up, I guess to see if I was just trying to be nice, or if I actually cared.
I surprised myself by realizing that I actually did care what was going on with her. She may have been the thorn in my side all these weeks, her robot self always lurking around every corner, making sure nothing was ever out of order. But now she actually seemed like a real, human person. A person I wanted to understand.
We looked at each other like that for a long time until finally she spoke.
“It’s over.” She shrugged again. “It’s just all… over.” She let out a long breath like she was trying to deflate herself.
“Do you mean the book?” I asked, knowing she was right about that.
“The book, this life, everything.”
I cocked my head to the side, totally not getting what she was saying. “Were you fired or something?” Maybe that’s what the new, casual look was all about.
She shook her head. “No. But I just can’t do this anymore.” She stood up, pacing.
“I can’t keep spending every day of my life living for someone else. Living with nothing but hope for a future that I know will never come.”
Okay, now I was really confused. “What future?”
She turned to look at me. “Are you fucking stupid?” she yelled.
I was actually taken aback, like literally, I physically reeled backwards. Well, as much as I could while still sitting on a bar stool, that is.
She sat back down, burying her head in her hands, then peeked up at me, still feeling me out. I had no friggin’ clue what to say.
Eventually, she took a deep breath. “When I first took this job, it was for the challenge of it. Leo was notorious for going through assistants like he was changing his socks, and I wanted to prove that I was better than all the rest.”
“Sure,” I said. “And you’ve obviously done that.”
She raised her eyebrows in half-hearted agreement. “But then it became something else. It wasn’t about all that anymore. It was about….” She trailed off and my mind started putting together what she was trying to say.
But she couldn’t, she just looked out the window like she was broken hearted. But why? What had broken her heart?
“Oh my God!” I yelled, my mouth dropping open. I wanted to yell into my brain, how did you not get there faster? How stupid could I be? “You’re in love with Leo.”
She looked up. “Say it a little louder why don’t you? I think some of the employees in the garden may not have heard you.”
“Holy shit,” was all I could say.
“It’s funny,” she said, getting a faraway look in her eye. “At first, I didn’t even like him. I thought he was just spoiled and arrogant. But then…”
“He kind of gets to you,” I finished.
“Yeah,” she said, smiling, just a little. “But, I just can’t be here with him anymore, knowing that it’s never going to happen. At this point we’ve gotten into way too much of a routine, our relationship is never going to change. And the way he is around you, I…” she trailed off. “It’s just never going to happen.”
