Rubbing a shaky hand across her forehead, she held his gaze. “No. The kiss wasn’t for show.”
Still holding his arms across his chest, he shifted his stance. “I don’t believe you.”
Tears welled in her eyes. She blinked them back, shocked by the sudden wave of sadness. The last time she’d cried had been when she’d ended things with Hudson. Was this the beginning of the end already? Had she screwed up bad enough that he might have changed his mind about her, about them?
“No lies or half-truths,” she reminded him, and wiped a stray tear. “The kiss wasn’t great, but it was real.”
He shook his head. “Bullshit.”
“What? How could you—?”
With hurt and anger darkening his eyes, he pushed off the door jamb, and in two strides hauled her from the bed. Holding her by the upper arms, he crowded her. Then, with a touch that belied the hardness of his face, he caressed her lips with the pad of his thumb. “It’s been a while, but I know…I remember your kisses. This one, though. This one…there was no passion.” He released her, then turned away. “No nothing.”
Another tear escaped as he headed for the door. “Where are you going?”
“I’m not leaving if that’s what you’re wondering. I can’t.”
“Because I’m an assignment?”
He didn’t answer, and instead, took another step toward the door. She couldn’t let him go, not without knowing the truth. She realized it was time to pull on her big girl panties. Hudson had to understand her reasons for the kiss. He had to know how she felt about him, and for once, she had to stop looking for ways to sabotage their relationship in order to prevent the hurt she’d assumed would eventually come, and take a chance. She’d wasted two years away from him. There had been many lonely nights during those years when she’d thought about what could have been if only she’d tried. Would they have fallen madly in love? Married? Had a child? While she wasn’t sure if she was necessarily marriage or mommy material, she was sure that she’d once loved Hudson. Damn it, she never stopped. Now she had to fight for them.
“You’re right,” she blurted. “The kiss wasn’t real.”
He turned. The shock and anger widening his eyes made her want to take a step back. Even Brutal and Fabio jumped off the bed and fled the room. But she held her ground.
“When Celeste said she thought we were making a big mistake, then acted as if only she and John had something good going, I…I wanted to show her she was wrong.”
“I see,” he said then tightened his jaw.
She reached up, and placed her palm on his rough, hard jaw line. “I don’t think you do. When I had turned to you in the living room, and saw the way you looked at me…” She blew out a deep breath, then smiled. “I hope I’m not mistaken, but I swear I saw pride, respect and passion in your eyes. For me. No one has ever looked at me like that before.”
When he remained stoic, she held his face with both hands. “I wanted to kiss you so bad. All I could think about, even with Celeste and John in the room, was you and me. Your skin against mine, your body twined with mine. Your lips on mine. And when I finally walked across the room to kiss you, I realized it was all wrong. What I wanted to show you…I didn’t want anyone else to see. I wanted it to be for just you.”
Gently, he gripped her wrists. “What did you want to show me?” he asked, his voice raw, husky and oozing with need.
The sexiness in his tone grabbed her, held her enthralled, and propelled her past the edge of uncertainty. He deserved the truth. “That I’d never stopped caring. That I’ve missed you. That I wish…I wish things could have been different.”
“Me too,” he said as he released her hands, then ran his fingers through her hair. Her ponytail came loose as he gripped her head in his hand. “When you left me, it was one of the worst times in my life.”
Her eyes clouded with tears of regret, but she mustered a smile. “Worse than being tortured in a jungle basement cell?”
His gaze darkened as he drew her closer. “Those wounds healed.”
But the wound she’d created hadn’t healed. The words hung in the air unsaid. Regret washed over her, for what they could have been, for what she’d denied them. Before she could respond, make excuses or apologize, his lips were a hair’s breadth from hers.
“Now kiss me.” He nipped her bottom lip. “Kiss me like you meant to.”
She wrapped her arms around his neck, threaded her fingers through his hair and then slowly, leisurely, pressed soft, reverent kisses along his jaw and the corners of his mouth. Looking into his eyes, catching the heat simmering in their depths, she let her eyes drift shut, and pressed her lips to his. Leading the way, she coaxed his lips until they opened, then slid her tongue along his.
Holding her head steady, he wrapped his other arm around her and pulled her impossibly closer. He ground her hips against his hard erection, and the passion brewing inside her erupted. The slide of their tongues grew more fervent and eager. She broke the kiss to catch her breath, and remove his shirt.
She pulled the material up his lean torso and began pressing open-mouthed kisses along his scarred, muscular chest. While she feathered her fingers along his hot skin, he finished disposing of the shirt, then reached for the hem of her sweatshirt. She froze.
“What’s wrong?” he asked, and cupped her cheek.
Insecurity was something new to her. Considering she’d always been proud of her body, and had never had a problem flaunting it in the past to Hudson, she wasn’t sure how to explain her sudden lack of confidence. But after everything they’d discussed tonight, she decided honesty was the only viable route to travel. She trusted him. And without trust and honesty, there was no relationship.
She kissed his hand, and continued to caress his chest. “I…don’t look like I used to.”
He raised a dark brow. “Did you grow an extra nipple?”
Grinning, she gave him a quick kiss on the lips. “Sorry to disappoint you, but no. I’m, as you know, thinner.”
“So.”
“So my body isn’t all that great.”
He cocked his head and studied her for a second, then said, “You think I care whether you’re overweight or skinny?” He touched the tip of her nose. “Or if you have a big zit on your nose?” He paused. “Okay, I might be grossed out by that.”
She lightly pinched his nipple and laughed.
“Seriously,” he began. “The only thing I care about is what’s in here.” He kissed her forehead. “And in here.” He touched her heart. “You’re beautiful no matter what.”
Moved by his words, she kissed him. As their tongues began to tangle and dance, he took the hem of the sweatshirt and t-shirt, and began to push them up her torso. Along the way, he unhooked her bra, then released her lips and removed the clothes. He dropped them to the floor, and gazed at her naked chest.
She moved to cover her breasts, but he stopped her. “Uh-uh, you’re just as pretty as I remembered.”
“Thank you,” she murmured and allowed her arms to relax. “But can we at least dim the lights?”
He edged her toward the bed. When the back of her knees hit the mattress, he pressed her back, then gripped the waist of the yoga pants. “No way. I’ve been fantasizing about making love to you for over two years,” he said, then pulled her pants and panties over her hips and down her legs.
Naked, she lay on the bed and looked at him. The heat and excitement sizzling in his eyes sent her earlier insecurities fleeing. Her own excitement intensified as she let her gaze roam over his strong, beard-stubbled jaw, his firm lips, then to his muscular chest and tight abs. Fingers itching to touch the soft hair along his chest, to unbuckle his belt and remove his jeans, she licked her lips and reached for him.
He bent instead, and knelt between her legs. Propping herself on her elbows, she watched, mesmerized as he angled his head, and kissed her inner thigh. He ran his hands along her legs. Up and down, touching every inch of her skin, but avoiding what needed t
he most attention. She raised her hips slightly, inviting him, begging him for what she truly wanted.
He nipped her inner thigh, then licked the spot. Blew a shallow puff of air on her exposed sex, then moved to her other thigh and repeated the nip and lick. Her legs trembled with anticipation. She closed her eyes as her body coiled with need and desire. With each teasing nip and lick, and each stroke of his calloused hands along her skin, she grew wetter, hotter.
“Look at me,” he demanded.
When she did, she sucked in a breath. His mouth hovered over her open sex. The heat and longing in his eyes devoured her, and matched the burning desire pulsating through her heart and body.
Then he licked her.
Slow.
Soft.
Over and over, until she begged him for more.
Using his fingers he spread her labia, then dipped his tongue. His cheeks hollowed as he devoured her. Penetrated. Stroked. When he honed in on her clit, swirling and flicking his tongue, the desire that had been coiling through her exploded. She gripped his hair, and wrapped her legs around his upper back. Held him in place as she rode out the glorious orgasm.
Breathing hard, she released her hold on him. When he stood, she reached for his belt, and in record time had it off and his jeans undone. She cupped his bulge. “My turn.”
“Later,” he said, and shucked the jeans to the floor. “I need to be inside of you. It’s been too long.”
Although disappointed she couldn’t taste him, when she glanced at his arousal, so damn thick and hard, the throb between her thighs intensified. The desire to feel his skin and his hard muscles against her body drove her into a frenzy of need. She stroked his erection anyway, then kissed the tip. “Are you sure?”
He groaned, then scooped her up and laid her on the center of the bed. After he moved between her legs, he kissed her lips, her neck, then flicked his tongue against her nipple. She jerked at the delicious sensation and reached for him. As much as she’d love to have his mouth on her breasts, he was right, it had been too long. “Now. Please,” she begged as the tip of his penis kissed her sex.
“Yes,” he hissed as he pressed his lean hips forward and filled her.
She hugged him, clung to him, tried to make sure that every possible part of her body touched his. God how she’d missed him. Not just his touch, but the way he made her feel.
Secure.
Desired.
Loved.
Just as before, when she was with him, all of her troubles and worries disappeared. The only thing that mattered was what was between them. Holding him again, feeling him inside her, she wondered why she’d allowed herself to walk away from him. Wondered why she couldn’t have been braver and taken the chance, the risk of exposing what had lay deep in her heart and soul.
As he began to rock his hips harder, faster, she gripped the scarred slabs of muscle on his chest, and looked up at him. Her heart melted. Behind the heat in his eyes, deep affection lingered, and she hoped he saw that and more in her own eyes. In her heart, she knew she’d never stopped loving him, and that she’d lied to herself two years ago about never loving him in the first place. She reached for his head, and drew his mouth to hers. Kissed him with all of the love coursing through her body. Now that she held him again, she didn’t want to let go of him.
While still inside of her, he leaned back, raised her bottom off the mattress, and held her hip. He trailed his free hand over her taut nipples, then down her stomach until his fingers found her clit. She released a groan. His wicked touch, his thick arousal, made her grow impossibly wetter.
“Come for me,” he whispered, then gripped her hips with both hands and rocked harder. Deeper. “Come for me, baby. I need to hear you. I’ve missed you so damn much.”
A shock of desire electrified every part of her body. The orgasm ripped through her with so much force she curled her toes and screamed his name. As wave after wave of pleasure seized her and held her enthralled in a sexual sanctuary she never wanted to leave, Hudson thrust once, twice, then pulled his length from her and came with a low groan.
Breathing hard, he released her hips then rolled off the bed and headed into the bathroom. Seconds later, he returned with a towel, and used it to wipe her stomach. “Sorry,” he said. “I didn’t have any condoms and wasn’t sure if you were still on the pill.”
Once he finished cleaning her, he climbed back onto the bed and lay next to her. She cuddled into the crook of her arm, then rested her head on his chest. “I’m still on the pill,” she said. “But thanks for thinking of me.” She kissed the scar that ran across his left pectoral.
“I never stopped thinking of you,” he said, and pulled her closer.
She lightly grazed her nails along his abs. “I never stopped thinking about you, either.” Loving this moment, loving him, she decided she owed him the truth. If she expected him to be open and honest, she should do the same. “I…regretted not giving us a chance the moment I walked away, and have been ever since.”
He cradled his head with his free arm and looked at her. “Then why did you? I know you were mad, but—”
“I was pissed,” she interrupted. “And hurt. I felt betrayed, like you didn’t trust me. Then when I found out Winters was a serial rapist, and I was his bait, I…” Uncertain if now was the right time to tell Hudson about what had happened to her when she was sixteen, she hesitated. Telling your lover you’d been raped didn’t make for fun pillow talk. At the same time, she honestly believed she owed him a proper and long overdue explanation for her initial over-reaction. They’d cared about each other, and she’d been the one to end the relationship when he hadn’t wanted that for them.
“Eden, honey, you don’t have to tell me anything you—”
“No, it’s okay. I owe you an explanation.” She twisted her body until they were chest to chest, drew in a deep breath then blurted, “When I was sixteen, I was raped by four guys from my high school.”
Hudson stared at her, and hoped to God Eden couldn’t see the rage, the helpless fury storming through his body. Killing was suddenly on his mind, and given the opportunity, he’d make sure those men paid the price. He’d take his time, too. Make them suffer. Make them understand the wrong that they had committed against his woman. Fuck. And he’d treated her as bait to catch a serial killer.
He used all of his energy to keep his hand steady as he smoothed the hair away from her face, and tuck it behind her ear. “If I had known, I would never have…” He smacked his head with his hand, then scrubbed it down his face.
She grabbed his hand, then turned it and kissed his palm. “I’m not telling you this to make you feel guilty. If you’d told me about Winters back then, I would have wanted to help you regardless of what had happened to me. The ones who…hurt me, they never paid for their crime.”
While he understood her way of thinking, and some of his guilt abated, knowing those men had gotten away with rape—Eden’s rape—caused the rage inside him to boil. His head began to pound as his heart ached for the girl who’d been stripped of her innocence.
“Did you go to the police?” he asked.
“No. You’ve got to understand, I grew up in an extremely small town in Wisconsin. I’m talking a population of about a thousand or so people. The one guy, his dad was county sheriff at the time. Another was the son of one of the deputies. All four of them played football and were stars on the team. Even then, I was smart enough to know what would happen if I told. They’d walk and I’d be accused of crying rape.”
“Your family? Did they know?”
She shook her head. “There’s something else I need to tell you.”
Christ, he didn’t know if he could handle any more of her secrets tonight. Knowing what had happened to her ripped a hole in him. Right now, he wanted to hold her and love her, and erase the images of her assault from his mind. Tomorrow, though, he planned to put aside their current case and ask Rachel to hunt down the boys who’d raped Eden. He had several ideas of how h
e could serve them some proper justice.
“What is it?” he asked.
Her breath fanned across his chest as she bent her head and released a deep sigh.
“Eden,” he prompted.
She looked at him, then rolled her eyes and said, “My mom and sister claimed to be psychic, but they couldn’t predict my rape. Okay, I said it and I know it sounds stupid—”
He touched her chin. “Are they psychic?”
“I did tell you my mom had passed away, right?”
“No.”
Her head hit his chest again. She mumbled something he couldn’t understand then faced him. “I really never told you anything about myself, did I?”
As he stared into her eyes, eyes he thought he’d never see again after they broke up, he realized that a person’s past really didn’t matter. Yes, the past shaped the person one would become, but the here and now was what really mattered. They’re here and now, this moment, was—in his gut—the start of their future. What had happened to her infuriated him beyond measure. But she’d trusted him enough to open up, share her vulnerabilities, share a part of herself with him. He treasured her, respected and admired her for her bravery and honesty.
“It’s okay, and I think I’m starting to understand some of your sister issues. If she was psychic, how come she couldn’t predict your…rape?”
She winced. “Stupid, huh?”
Shrugging, he touched her cheek. “You’re not a stupid woman, Eden. And I’m guessing at one time you probably believed in your sister. I imagine after everything happened, you felt…I don’t know, betrayed.”
Nodding, she gave him a tentative smile. “I did. It was easy to blame Celeste for not warning me about my future. I’ll admit I was jealous of my mom and sister’s psychic bond. I wanted a special bond with my mom, too. I was always doing goofy things to gain her attention. I know she loved me, but I also knew, deep down, she loved Celeste best.”
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