“Really?” I shake my head in bafflement.
“Yes. It will take time — many years, possibly — for you to see exactly how much you have learned, but the lessons are all there. Now, no more talking. I need to remain crazy free for the next year.”
We ride in silence for some time. The sun will be circling around soon but hasn’t yet made an appearance. I see a red fox in the ditch next to the chip sealed road. She watches us pass before darting across the road.
“He seriously triggers your buttons, doesn’t he?” I say with a knowing grin.
“I don’t know what you mean,” Chris says with a scowl.
“Your dad makes you totally batty,” I say.
Chris presses his lips into a tight line as we make the turn onto the highway.
“My dad is my dad. He is wise in his way.”
“And he drives you crazy,” I add.
“Yes,” Chris finally admits. “As do most people.”
The sidelong pointed look he gives me makes me laugh out loud. The lack of sleep must be making me loopy.
I stick my tongue out at him and say, “Well poo-poo on you, Mr. Crabcake.”
“That’s not helping your case,” he says, but I can feel his mood lightening and his aura alters from heavier colors to slightly lighter shades.
“Is he part of the reason you live in town and not on the rez?” I ask. It’s something I’ve wondered all summer.
It’s as silent as it can be with the rumble of engine, the friction of large tires against the road, and the grumbling trailer behind, and I wonder if Chris will neglect to answer.
He says, “I like doing my own thing. I’m not always traditional. I didn’t want to rub anyone the wrong way. The tribe has my dad and I’m close enough.”
What he says makes sense to me, now that I know him better. He gave more of an answer than I expected, so out of respect, I smile quietly and refrain from probing with more questions. I tuck my hand next to my cheek and lean against the window until we reach his cabin.
Learning from experience. That’s what I was supposed to get from all this. If it’s true, then Chris wasn’t lying when he said it was going to take years for me to absorb it all. Visions of the future, talking with horses, using magic, and shapeshifting shamans. There’s more, but that’s enough to make my head spin and my eyeballs bulge.
With a flimsy promise from Chris that he’ll visit a doctor if his leg, ribs, and/or face aren’t feeling better soon, I leave him tucked inside his cabin and embrace the dread of driving the truck back to my house. Cleaning up and finding Jared are my top priorities. Nathaniel is always on my mind, but I can’t do anything about Nathaniel other than wait for his return.
As it turns out, I don’t have to wait long. He’s inside the truck when I leave Chris’s cabin.
“Want me to drive this beast?” he asks.
I throw my arms around him and bury my face into the crook of his neck.
“Is that a yes?”
“Please, with sugar and kisses. No. I mean, please, with unlimited kisses and chocolate anything you want,” I say, and kiss the side of his neck.
“You’re so the girl for me, you know that?” He turns the key to start the engine.
Sitting by his side, I rest my head on his shoulder as we drive to my house. He’s being too quiet and I find myself not speaking, either. It’s been an extremely tiresome day and night, and I am struggling to stay awake, but my over-aware brain can’t stop thinking about how the rest of Nathaniel’s night went.
“Want to talk about it?” I finally say.
“I do, but not right now. I’m afraid I’ll ruin the mood if I open my mouth.”
“That bad?”
“Yes.”
“Okay. We don’t have to talk. I’m glad you’re back, though.”
The arm he had wrapped around my shoulders pulls me in closer. He leans over and kisses the top of my head. “Me too, love.”
“My mom’s home,” I say as we park in front of the house. “Meet me in my room?” I ask.
“I dislike the secrecy,” he says.
“It’s so much easier than answering a million of her questions.”
“Your mother and I get along fine,” he says.
“I’m glad you do, but I’m not in the mood to deal with her.”
“Fine,” Nathaniel grudgingly agrees. “One of these days you’re going to have to tell her I’m staying over and I’m not defiling her daughter.”
“Oh, my God, did you just really say that?”
“You’re her only daughter. She deserves to know.”
“She’s probably already asleep from working last night, so this conversation is pointless,” I say, and collect my things.
“If it’s a mute subject, then let me walk in as your boyfriend and let me carry everything for you.”
“No.” I yank my backpack strap from his grabby hands. “Please, meet me inside.”
I climb out as Nathaniel fades from solid to spirit. His lips are sealed to keep himself from arguing with me.
Before I head upstairs, I raid the pantry for the bag of miniature candy bars stashed inside. Mom is nowhere to be seen, and when I reach my bedroom door, I hear the hum of her noise machine playing ocean waves as she sleeps through the day.
“Will this help you feel any better?” I toss the bag of chocolate to Nathaniel.
He catches it and lets it drop into his lap with hardly a glance. “Definitely,” he says with no enthusiasm.
I try to read past his façade, but I can’t quite pin down what’s different about him. Unloading my bags into a heap on the floor, I say, “Want to shower with me?”
That gets his attention and his instant response is more alarmed than excited, but at least he’s showing some emotion other than blah.
“Jules, you know I’ve vowed to keep you safe. We can’t keep testing our restraint. I—” he starts to say, then anguish takes over his entire being.
“Calm down, big guy. I only wanted to see what you would say,” I tease, and smile my best devilish pixie grin.
Nathaniel scrubs his face with his hands and rises from my chair. The bag of candy, completely forgotten, falls to the floor. He steps toward my bed and face plants into the covers. I laugh as I collect clean clothes and walk to the door.
“Does sound fun, though, doesn’t it? I could wash that muscular back of yours.”
Nathaniel groans and reaches for a pillow. He smashes it over his head, making sure to cover his ears.
After my shower, I return to my room where Nathaniel hasn’t moved an inch. I reach for the house phone and dial Jared’s new cell number. It isn’t an acceptable time of day to call my brother, knowing he probably just went to bed after partying all night, but I have to hear him before I can sleep. Under the circumstances, I think he’ll forgive me.
“Hey,” he says with a sleep-thickened voice.
“How are you?”
“Keen on sleep. And you?”
Raising the covers, I shimmy in next to Nathaniel, pressing myself as tight against his body as I can. The comforter acts as a pretty purple barrier between us. He rolls onto his side and gathers me in close as I finish checking in with my brother.
“I missed your show,” I say.
“I noticed. Did you save the world?”
“No. Some horses made it home, but now there’s a wildfire.”
“I heard about it. Were you out there when it started?”
He’s becoming more alert now and I hear the rustle of clothes or blankets.
“Yeah, I was there,” I say.
I choke down my emotions as Jared says, “Well, I fell down a flight of stairs and got a tattoo.”
“Is that life number six?” I ask, thinking about Jared’s theory of having nine lives.
“You can thank me for not telling you about seven and eight.”
“Hardy har-har,” I say, and cringe into Nathaniel’s side. “Where’s the tat?”
“It was pretty
hilarious on my end. Not the tat, but my near-death experiences. It’s on my arm.”
“Don’t tell me anymore. Just stay alive. I’m coming up as soon as I can. Are you already in Denver?”
“Yeah. The hotel is sweet. See you tonight.”
His last words sound confident and it helps ease the stress and tension of being hours away from him. “See ya,” I say, and hit the off button.
I roll back into place next to Nathaniel. My chest presses against his arm and I wiggle in closer.
“Tease,” he whispers into my ear.
“You love it,” I say.
“Hmmm,” he says in a way that isn’t agreeable or disagreeable.
“Kiss me, Nathaniel. Then hold me while I sleep for a couple hours.”
“Demanding little thing, aren’t you?” he says.
“I have to drive to Denver today. The band’s next show is there and it’s a five-hour drive.”
“I’ll drive and you can sleep the entire way,” he offers, and still hasn’t tipped his head to kiss me goodnight.
“Two hours on this pillow will make life bearable again,” I say with a yawn. “Will you be able to stay with me? I’m sorry. I didn’t even ask if you have a new client.”
His arms tighten around me, snuggling me into him, even though there isn’t room for a breath of air between us. “No one yet. I’m not sure what’s going on. I’ve never had this much time to myself between clients before.”
“That’s weird,” I say, and then place feathering kisses along his collarbone. I’m quiet for a second and then release the question that refuses to stay contained. “Steven died in the fire, didn’t he?”
“Yes," Nathaniel says.
The settling of somber thoughts lies over us like a cool fog.
"I had a feeling he passed away. Partly because of your mood, but also because there was some inner sense of finality when we left the Bull's Horn without him."
"Steven might have had a chance, but he gave up the fight. When his best friend didn’t come back for him and the smoke started to get too thick, he stopped believing he had something to live for. Then he had an accident and that was the end.”
“It seems so sad. I don’t know how you do it.”
“He’s okay now, Juliana. His real mother was waiting for him. It isn’t as tragic as it sounds.”
“I want to believe you. I’m having a hard time figuring out what’s right and what’s wrong; what’s good and what’s bad. There’s never one answer to satisfy everyone. The truth is an illusion in any given moment.”
“The entirety of reality is an illusion, Juliana. It can tumble your mind trying to figure it out. Or you can just accept the only thing that is real is what is happening right now. You know everything and nothing in any one moment.”
“What’s the point? Why do we keep going at all?”
“For this.” He tilts my face up to his and his lips find mine at last.
Nathaniel pulls back from our kiss too soon. It’s always too soon for me.
He murmurs, “For love. We seek each other to experience love. It’s worth it. All the pain is worth one second of this.”
My eyes flutter open and I catch myself unexpectedly watching Nathaniel’s full lips move back to mine. He knows exactly where my lips are, as if he’s being guided by secret knowledge. Then my eyelids close as the feeling of his tenderness and desire moves from my mouth to every nerve ending in my body. Tingling whispers like silver strands of light brush over my skin until I’m so alight with sensation that I have no rational mind or control of my actions. Nathaniel is the best drug. I could never judge Jared again for his lack of self-control when it comes to substance abuse. Aren’t I doing the same thing with Nathaniel?
Well, maybe it isn’t exactly the same, but I can’t stop myself with him. The rush, the need, the lust, it has to be similar to drug abuse.
Nathaniel is somehow between the sheets with me. My shirt is pushed up and so is his. Our hands are on fire as we feel, caress, and linger on bare skin. I want more of him. I want everything from him. The illusion that we are the only two beings in existence is so complete I never want to leave this new reality. His body heat radiates a shield that could be my cocoon of safety for the next millennium. Let us stay here forever. Surrounded by nothing but each other until the world falls apart and is reborn into the universe again.
Tap, tap, tap.
“Jules? Are you home?”
Mom!
“Errr,” I gargle some kind of noise that sounds like a choking toad.
Nathaniel disappears from sight and I hit the play button on my stereo. Flailing like a mad bat, I attempt to straighten my bed covers.
“Are you okay in there?” she asks from the other side of the door.
“Come in,” I say, and bury half of my face against the pillow and try to cover the other half with my hair. My heart jumps hurdles and I’m praying my hormones don’t give off some kind of mom-detectable guilty scent.
“I heard some strange sounds,” she says as she takes a look around my room.
Absolute mortification. I was almost caught making out with my boyfriend by my mom. I’m nineteen years old, for crying out loud, and it’s still horrific. I groan and flop over in bed. I mumble, “Music’s on.”
“It didn’t sound like what’s playing,” she says.
“Umm, I was having a weird dream. Sorry for waking you.”
She moves farther into my room and I peek through a screen of hair as she walks to the window and glances at the floor between my bed and the wall. Like where Nathaniel would be hiding if he wasn’t an angel and couldn’t evaporate into thin air.
She turns to my closet, slides the door closed, and says, “What’s all this? Have you been out camping again? It smells like smoke.”
“No. Kind of. It’s a long story. I need to catch up on sleep, Mom.” She’s attempting to not look obvious about searching my room, but with my ultra-sensitive nature, it’s sooo obvious.
“You’re really okay? I thought I heard moaning or something. And with everything that happened before, I couldn’t ignore it.”
So maybe she’s looking for a poltergeist in my closet and not Nathaniel. Regardless, I know the humiliation is plastered all over my face and I don’t want her to notice it.
“Sleep, Mom. Please. We’ll talk later.”
She pats my foot at the end of the bed. “Be careful at Red Rocks tonight, sweetie. I wish I could go, but I’m out of paid days off at the hospital. A friend might cover my shift, but if I’m not there, take some pictures for me. This is Jared’s biggest concert yet.”
“I will, Mom. I promise.”
“And please call your Grandmother. She left a couple of phone messages.” With a last squeeze of my toes, she leaves my room. I listen for her to close the door before taking about a thousand deep breaths.
The bed shifts under Nathaniel’s weight. I brush my hair from my face to look at him. He’s out of arm’s reach. Before we have a repeat appearance from Mom, I turn the volume of the stereo up slightly.
“Where did you go?” I whisper.
“Outside. I needed to cool off.”
Unable to stop myself, I feel a teasing grin take over the corners of my mouth. Nathaniel is fully dressed again in the T-shirt and jeans he so often chooses to wear. He looks truly miserable and quite serious. One of my favorite looks. But who am I kidding? I always like looking at him no matter what mood he’s in.
“That was too close,” he says.
I want to think he’s talking about my mom walking in on us, but I know he means what we were about to do for the very first time.
“Come here.” I reach toward the corner of the bed where he’s keeping his distance.
He stares at my hand and doesn’t take it.
“Please,” I say.
“Sweet vixen, you’re the devil incarnate, aren’t you?” He rises and sits at the head of the bed with a pillow propped behind him. He stays on top of the comforter, kee
ping me neatly pinned underneath. He positions another bed pillow across his lap.
“Sleep time for Juliana,” he says. “And no more temptations or I may become my next suicidal client.”
I squirm over and rest my head on the pillow in his lap. “It’s not fair,” I pout. “You’re the only thing that makes my reality any fun, and I can’t have all of you.”
“Tell me about it.” He drops his head back against the wall with a thump.
His arm curls around me and trails down my back.
“Someday?” I ask. My body settles into the warmth and comfort of Nathaniel’s presence. Sleep is becoming a sudden necessity.
“I don’t know, love. My hope has been stomped on and ground into the dirt.” He sighs and presses his hand tight against my back. “I just don’t know anymore.”
Today is the first time I’ve ever heard him sound depressed with such finality. It frightens me. “Don’t give up. There’s always a way.”
“I’m afraid the path I want to take doesn’t exist.”
“It does. It has to.”
“Get some sleep, Jules, and don’t worry about me. I’ll figure it out and I’ll be here for you always.”
“I love you,” I say.
“No, you don’t. You love torturing me.”
I smile into the pillow as sleep casts a magic spell over me and I disappear into its secret depths.
Chapter Twenty: On Our Way
Juliana
Horses as gigantic as the mountains and made of clouds gallop across an indigo blue sky. Their hooves stamp a thunderous beat against my eardrums as they frolic and delight in their freedom. Their celestial celebration is contagious and my spirit soars alongside them. I did it. I rescued the horses. I can hardly believe what I accomplished. Satisfaction and joy bursts out of me and I relish the sensation of the hard-earned accomplishment.
As it happens, contentment never lasts as long as you might like. The cloud horses gather and darken into a massive thunderstorm. I duck my head and make a run for cover. I dash along a trail and up a wide stone stairway. The stairway ends at a stage with a backdrop of megalithic red stones. I know this place. It’s one of the best amphitheaters in the world. I’ve seen many of my favorite bands here. The venue is gorgeous, memorable, and superb in every way.
Destined to Fall (An Angel Falls Book 5) Page 23
