DELUDE

by Jacob Chance

  “Is this your first day?” The helpful stranger asks.

  My gaze lifts to his as he pulls the hood back from his head and my next breath wavers. His light green eyes are a beautiful and captivating juxtaposition to his rugged appearance. His lean face is lightly tanned, with a ruggedly stubbled jawline. His lips are a deep pink color with a small jagged scar like a mini lightning bolt beginning at the upper edge of his top one and ending underneath his nose.

  He rakes his hand through his longish hair, pushing it back and I notice small black gauges in his ears.

  “Yes.” My voice comes out hoarse. I clear my throat, before trying once again. “Yes, is it obvious?” I bite on my bottom lip, lost in feelings of inadequacy. Why am I even doing this?

  I’m only twenty years old and taking this position feels a little like playing grown up.

  He rubs my upper arm and his hand is warm through the thin material of my shirt.

  I look down at his long fingers and notice the gray and black Celtic band tattooed around his wrist.

  “Don’t be nervous. This is a great place to work.”

  Keeping my gaze lowered, I nod my head.

  He gently touches my chin, tipping it with his fingers until I’m staring in his jade green eyes.

  Enjoying the way his hand feels on my skin, I’m disappointed when it falls away.

  “You’re going to do great.” He smiles at me and in this moment, I believe him. I’d probably believe anything he told me.

  His smile is contagious and I find myself reacting in kind.

  “Much better.” He winks at me.

  “What’s your name?” I somehow find the courage to ask.

  He hesitates for a second before answering me. “Christopher, and you’re Lana.”

  I tip my head to the side, studying his face. “How do you know my name?” Eyes narrowing, I wait for his answer.

  “I’m Sean’s best friend. I’ve been looking forward to meeting you for a long time now.” He smiles at me and all my worry fades away.

  5

  Zack

  I haven’t seen Lana in a few days now. I wanted to make sure I didn’t come on too strong and scare her away.

  I don’t know what the ghosts of her past are, but she has them. They haunt her as clearly as if I’m looking in the mirror at my own.

  Life hasn’t been easy for her and it shows in those large, expressive blue-green eyes. I want to make her forget about her previous mistakes and show her she belongs with me.

  It’s now Tuesday night; I haven’t seen her since Saturday. It’s time to take the next step in my plan.

  Grabbing the bottle of red wine, I’ve had chilling for the past hour, I make my way to her apartment. Once I knock, it’s only a few seconds before she appears. She lingers behind the door, hiding every part of her body but her head.

  “Hi, Zack.” She flashes me a nervous smile.

  Does she have another man here?

  Anger washes over me at the thought of her in someone else’s arms.

  Get a grip, man.

  I school my features and smile at her. “Hi, Lana. How are you?”

  “It’s been a long day, but I’m glad it’s almost over now.”

  She remains hidden from my view, and I wonder if she’s half naked behind the wooden obstruction.

  “Are you up for a glass of wine?” I hold up the bottle of Pinot Grigio.

  She chews on her bottom lip and in only a few seconds her eyes flash a slideshow of different emotions.

  “Come on, you know you want to. Besides, I don’t know anyone else here yet, and I really dislike drinking alone.”

  “I’m wearing my pajamas,” she confesses.

  I smile. “I can go put mine on if it will make you feel better.”

  She giggles and my stomach lurches. Her laugh is perfection. It’s adorably silly with a hint of sexy.

  She opens the door wide. “Come on in. Glad you don’t mind seeing me in my jammies, because I could really use a glass or two of wine tonight.”

  My eyes look her over, taking in the tight fitting gray t-shirt and black flannel pants. Her nipples show through the thin material, and it’s obvious she’s not wearing a bra. Fuck.

  I look away and run a hand through my hair. Being around her is the best and worst possibility at the same time. It’s the best because I’ve dreamed of spending time with her like this and the worst because it’s hard to patiently follow my plan when all I want to do is slam her into a wall and fuck her senseless.

  Following her to the kitchen, my eyes on her ass the entire time, I place the bottle of wine on the counter. Distracted I reach in the appropriate drawer containing her corkscrew and remove the cork while she gets the glasses.

  She looks surprised when she sees the bottle open already. “How did you know where my corkscrew was?”

  I stay calm, giving a plausible answer. “I saw you take the bottle opener out of here the other day, and I just assumed if you’re like me, it’s the logical place where you’d keep it.”

  “Good deductive reasoning. But, I guess everyone has one of those drawers. They’re not really cooking tools, and they don’t go with the silverware. They’re not full out tools either.” She shrugs her shoulders. “What do you call them?”

  I watch her, fascinated at her thought process and smile. “I don’t call them anything. I can’t say I’ve ever really given it much thought before.”

  She finishes pouring the wine and hands me a glass.

  “Well, stick with me, and you’ll find the answers to a lot of questions you never knew you wanted to ask.” She giggles and then tips her head toward the living room. “Do you want to go sit down?”

  “Sure.” I already have, precious girl. I know exactly what your couch cushions feel like underneath me.

  We sit down, and she angles her body toward me. I can tell she’s interested in me.

  “How’s the unpacking going?” She sips on her wine and waits for my answer.

  “I’ve got the brunt of it done. I just have to hang some pictures up and find some stuff to make it feel more lived in.”

  “You’re not a fan of the bachelor pad look?” she asks absentmindedly, twisting her long red strands around her index finger.

  I take a sip of wine and then place my glass down on her coffee table. I shift my weight until I’m facing her, my leg tucked underneath me. “I’m a fan of red hair and sea colored eyes.” Pushing her bangs to the side, I tuck them behind her ear. She stares up at me wide eyed like a frightened deer caught in headlights, and it reminds me I need to go slow with her. I let my fingers slide from her ear down her jawline, and she trembles like a skittish wild animal whose trust I need to earn.

  “What do you do for work?” I change the subject hoping she’ll relax and enjoy our time together.

  She takes another sip of her wine, then rests the bottom of her glass on her thigh. “I work for a Private Investigation firm. I handle all of their tech issues.”

  “I don’t want to sound sexist, but isn’t it an unusual field for a woman to work in?”

  She shakes her head. “No, not so much anymore. I get why you’d think that, but times are changing, and there are a lot of women who are getting involved in this field.”

  “Have you always been a geek?” I ask winking at her. She blushes adorably, her cheeks flushing a soft pink color.

  “I’ve always loved anything to do with technology. I was a big gamer in my youth.” She swallows down the final sip of wine and twists her torso to place her empty glass on the end table behind her. The motion makes her t-shirt rise and exposes an inch or two of her flat stomach.

  I look away before I give in to the urge to push her down on her back and paint provocative messages around her navel with the tip of my tongue.

  “You don’t game anymore?” I ask to distract myself.

  Slow and steady wins the race.

  I need to keep my thoughts on getting to know her. She’s not the type of girl I can
rush things with, and I’ve never wanted a relationship with anyone before.

  She stares down at her nails and picks at her shiny purple polish. “I haven’t played any games in over a year now.”

  “I’ll tell you what, I just happen to have my Xbox One hooked up next door. Maybe you can give me a run for my money sometime?”

  Her sad eyes lift to mine, and I know there’s a story as to why she hasn’t played, but I’m not going to push her for more.

  “Unless you’re afraid you’ll get crushed.”

  She rolls her eyes at me and graces me with a small smile. “I never get crushed at games.”

  Just at life.

  I imagine her leaving off those words. Maybe it’s me projecting, but she seems battle weary like me. We’re kindred spirits. We were destined to find each other and share our painful pasts. Fate put her in my path.

  Soon there will be no secrets between us.

  6

  Lana

  December

  Most weeks, like everyone else, I look forward to Friday rolling around, but today is Christopher’s twenty-ninth birthday and I’m struggling. I miss him. I miss what we had together. It wasn’t perfect, but it was us. Who wants perfect anyway? That would be boring. I have scars on the inside and the outside and they’re what makes me - me. It was no different with us. Our imperfections were what made us special.

  I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to open myself to someone the way I did with Christopher. I gave him everything. I jumped in head first and believed he’d never break my heart. He didn’t break it - he obliterated it. Now I’m not sure if there’s enough remaining to give to anyone.

  Three years ago

  Tonight, is my first real date with Christopher - my first real date with anyone. Twenty years old and I’ve never had a boyfriend - never even been kissed. I wish I could say it’s just because I’m extra picky when it comes to who I date, but that’s not the case. I haven’t been asked out by anyone before.

  Knowing it had to happen sooner or later, I stopped worrying about it.

  Does anyone go through their whole life without at least kissing one person?

  I wonder if he’ll give me my first kiss tonight?

  Christopher and I have gone to lunch a couple of times and I enjoyed spending time with him. He’s courteous and attentive to me. He listens when I speak like what I have to say matters. His manners are impeccable. Both times he wouldn’t even think of letting me pay for my own meal and they weren’t even actual dates.

  He has a great reputation at Techdeck as an innovator in social engineering. He’s the best one and a hard worker. He’s extremely intelligent, but he doesn’t flaunt it. He seems to prefer the understated. He asked me out after all. I’m hardly flashy. Even the way he asked me out was done in an unobtrusive manner while we were walking back to work from lunch yesterday.

  Softly he closed his hand around mine, his touch so light, I almost wondered if I’d imagined it. I smile as I think about how I had to glance down to make sure it had happened.

  We walked for two blocks in silence, our palms gently pressed together - my heart pounding out excited beats - my teeth digging into my bottom lip to keep from grinning goofily. At the same time freaking out in my head.

  Silently squealing with excitement. I managed to hold it together and not let on how new to all this I really was.

  When we were almost back to work, the Techdeck building in our sight, Christopher pulled me over in front of a cell phone store out of the path of the other pedestrians.

  Easing forward, standing in front of me, he blocked out the sun until all I could see were his bright green eyes. He kept hold of my hand and used his other one to push my bangs out of my eyes. He smiled at me, my eyes strayed to his lips and I wondered what it would feel like to be kissed by him. He was the first guy I’d ever wanted to kiss.

  “I’ve really enjoyed spending time with you, Lana. Would you like to go out with me tomorrow night?”

  I couldn’t speak at first; my voice literally left me. Whether from shock because he asked me out or excitement he did, I’m not sure.

  Speaking was impossible for a handful of heartbeats, but as soon as my gaze connected with his shining one my voice returned.

  “Yes.”

  “So, where are you taking me?” I ask as I look down to fasten my seatbelt across my chest. When I lift my head, he’s smiling at me. “What?” I question fidgeting in my seat.

  “I’m just glad you’re here.” He starts his car. “And to answer your first question, I’m taking you to the drive in. They’re having a double feature of Pink Panther movies.”

  Pink Panther movies? Those aren’t exactly romantic. My thoughts begin to race along with my heart.

  Maybe this is just a friend date.

  Did he really ask me out - ask me out?

  I’ve probably turned an innocent invitation to go to the movies together into something romantic. Oh, my God. I’m such an idiot.

  What was I thinking?

  Why would someone as gorgeous as Christopher want to date me?

  As we ride, I remain silent, mortified I’d misunderstood his intentions. I glance down at the knee length skirt I chose and wish I’d worn jeans or my most comfortable pair of cutoff shorts. By the time he parks his car in a spot ideal for viewing the movies, I’m tempted to ask him to take me home.

  I look down as I spin the eternity knot ring my grandmother gave me for my sixteenth birthday. Nana explained the symbol was fashioned to have no beginning and no end and she said someday I would meet a man who would love me the same way. Right now, in this moment I’m skeptical falling in love will ever happen for me. I’m an oddity to many with an IQ intimidating to most and the body of a teenager - not exactly what most guys are looking for in a girlfriend.

  “Hey, what’s going on in your magnificent brain?” Christopher interrupts my musings.

  Tracing over the eternity knot with my index finger, I keep my eyes down. I press my lips tight together. Don’t you dare cry.

  “I think I want to go home.” I whisper, still not able to meet his gaze.

  He removes his seatbelt and shifts his weight to face me. “Lana.” My name on his lips is deep and warm like strong arms wrapped around me and it gives me the courage to glance up at him. His eyes lock on mine and he takes my hand in his. “What’s wrong?” he asks.

  Eyebrows drawn together in a frown, his concern for me is so evident; I’m ashamed. I need to tell him what’s going on so he can take me home and we can end this painfully awkward conversation.

  “I misunderstood your invitation. I thought this was a date and now I’m just embarrassed I thought you liked me - liked me - not that you just liked me.”

  He rakes his hand through his hair and a small smile plays about his lips. “I’m not sure if I understand what you’re saying, but let me give it a shot. You thought I was asking you on a date when you said yes, but now you think I meant we’d go out as friends?” He cocks his eyebrow and waits for me to answer.

  I chew on my bottom lip and nod my head.

  His hand slides in the back of my hair, cupping the back of my neck. Before I can even grasp what he’s doing, his lips are on mine and it’s better than I ever imagined it could be. They’re soft and warm as they slowly move against mine. He pulls my lower lip between his, releases it and then repeats the motion. This time instead of letting go, he licks the inside edge and dips his tongue inside my mouth. I moan and grip his shoulders as I surrender everything to this kiss - my first kiss.

  I touch my tongue to his and pull him closer. He’s making me ache between my legs and I’ve never felt anything like this before.

  Warm hands cup my cheeks before he pulls away. He drops his forehead to mine as we both breath at an accelerated pace.

  “Does that answer your question about whether this is a date or not?” he asks and we both laugh, our foreheads still touching.

  “I’m still a little unsure. Maybe you need t
o clear it up for me some more.”

  “Give me a Southern Comfort and Coke, light on the coke please.” The waitress finishes writing our order and moves on to the next table.

  “What’s going on with you? Why the emergency night out?” Kenna asks, pushing her long black hair over her shoulder.

  Carefully crossing my legs, I adjust my green dress to cover as much of my thighs as I can. I’m not sure why I wore this tonight. Yes, you are, my traitorous brain shouts at me. It was Christopher’s favorite. He used to say this dress made my eyes green like his.

  “Today is his birthday.”

  Kenna angles her head toward me. “Christopher’s?” she questions.

  Pressing my lips tightly together, I nod. Kenna reaches across the table and squeezes my hand. “I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. This calls for lots of alcohol. Some days you just need to numb the pain instead of pushing through it.”

  The next couple of hours are a blur of drinks and dancing. Quake has quickly become my favorite club since I moved to Boston. The music is always loud and the song choices are on point, just what I need tonight.

  Kenna and I dance with each other, ignoring any guys who try to grind up on us. She’s a guy magnet with her sultry good looks, and she doesn’t even realize it. Then again, she lives with Derek, one of my bosses. They finally admitted their feelings for one another, and now they’re so in love it’s practically vomit inducing. I hope they’ll always be that way. I know firsthand how devastating it is to be hopelessly in love and have it ripped away without any notice.

  7

  Zack

  Mid - December

  A knock on my door interrupts my perusal of the Boston Herald newspaper. Pushing my chair back, I rise, running my fingers through my thick hair. I’d like to cut off the shaggy mess it’s turning into, but I can’t. Growing my hair and the thick beard I now wear is all part of my new disguise. I can’t risk anyone recognizing me and ruining my chance to be with Lana.