DELUDE

by Jacob Chance

  Glancing down at the white t-shirt and navy blue pajama pants I’m wearing, I grimace. I’m not really prepared for company right now, and by company, I mean Lana. She’s the only person I’ve gotten to know, and I wouldn’t want it any other way.

  Walking across the cold hardwood floor on bare feet, I peer through the peephole to make sure it’s her. There are a few people in this city who would just as soon gut me and watch me die, than take me alive. In fact, Kyle’s already tried. He came damn close too. Only due to knowing the right people who patched me up and nursed me back to health am I standing here today.

  Opening the door wide, I can’t hold back the smile breaking across my face when I see her. She’s adorable in her jeans, snow boots, and a long black sweater two sizes too big for her. It looks like it swallowed her torso and kept going all the way down to the middle of her thighs.

  “Hi.” She beams one of her irresistible smiles up at me while her hands nervously play with the cuffs of her overly long sleeves.

  “Hey, come on in, stranger. I haven’t seen you all week.” I move back and she steps inside.

  When I close the door, I run my fingers through my hair once again. Hopefully, I don’t look like I just woke up.

  Women seem to appreciate my looks and I don’t usually worry about my appearance. But, Lana’s special. I want her to find me attractive which makes me think ludicrous things like whether my hair looks okay.

  What the fuck?

  Sometimes, I don’t recognize myself anymore. I’ve gone soft. One look at her and all my plans of revenge flew out the fucking window.

  All I can say is, Kyle better pray things work out with Lana and me. If they don’t, I’m going to need something to take my mind off the devastation it will cause me. And that something will be his blood on my hands.

  She gracefully walks toward the kitchen. I slowly follow behind, running a hand over my beard. I wish I’d taken the time to trim it yesterday like I wanted to.

  “Do you want some coffee?” I ask, glancing at her as she takes the seat closest to the one I was sitting in.

  She shakes her head. “No, thanks. I just came by to see if you want to go Christmas tree shopping with me.” She stares down at the cuff of her black sleeve, playing with the edge where it lies on the back of her hand. “There’s a tree farm about twenty minutes from here. You search for the perfect one, and they’ll cut it down and wrap it for you.”

  She glances up at me, her eyes are shining a bright emerald green today. “They’ll even deliver it for a small fee.” She bites on the corner of her bottom lip like she does when she’s uncomfortable.

  “What time are you thinking of going?” I ask, studying her features. Her skin is fair and clear, her dark pink lips a stark contrast tempting me to kiss her over and over.

  “I can go whenever. It’s Saturday and my weekends are mine.”

  “Give me twenty minutes to shower and do a few things. Do you want to wait here?”

  “Wait here while you shower?” she asks, visibly swallowing. “Uh...no. I’m going to head back to my place and wait there.”

  “What a shame.”

  “Tell me about your life in Seattle.”

  I want to know more about her past and we have some time before we arrive at the tree farm. I need to take advantage of every opportunity I get when it comes to her.

  “There’s really not much to tell,” she replies, crossing her arms.

  I know she doesn’t want to talk about it, but I need to coax it out of her.

  “Are your parents still alive?” I ask opting for a different tactic. Maybe if I ask a few simple questions she’ll be willing to share with me.

  She smiles. “Yes, they are. They still live in the house we grew up in.”

  “You said we, I’m assuming you have siblings.” I push for more.

  “I have an older brother, Sean. He’s six years older than me. We used to be close, but we’ve grown apart. It’s on me, not him,” she murmurs the last part so soft I barely hear her.

  I glance over at her and she turns to face the side window, hiding the tears I noticed welling in her eyes.

  I’ll leave it alone for now. If I push too hard she’ll close off and never confide in me.

  When we pull into the lot at the tree farm, Lana pulls a bright white knit cap on her head and matching mittens on her hands. I smile to myself at how adorable she is. She looks like she’s ready to go play in the snow and build a snowman.

  “Are you going to be warm enough?” She skeptically looks at my attire.

  “Sure, I don’t need gloves or a hat.” I flash her a smile and open my door.

  Ten minutes later, I’m regretting my words. My ears are frozen stiff, and I think my fingers have frostbite. Jamming my hands in my jacket pockets, I curl my fingers into fists to warm them up.

  “What do you think of this one?” Lana asks gesturing to a tree that looks the same as the previous one she pointed out to me.

  Do trees have doppelgangers?

  Jesus. I think my brain has frostbite too. Or maybe it’s just the effect watching Lana skip over the snow covered ground from tree to tree has on me.

  Her cheeks are flushed a bright pink from the cold air and her eyes are flashing with excitement. I wish I was the one who put that look on her face. Soon.

  “I think it’s the best one yet,” I answer with feigned excitement while I walk slightly ahead of her to the next row of trees.

  The thump of a snowball hitting my back has me spinning around with a scowl on my face. When I notice Lana with her mitten over her mouth, her eyes huge in her tiny face, shaking with laughter, I know who the culprit is.

  I run toward her, and she lets out a shriek, before taking off in the other direction. But, I’m too quick for her. I scoop her up in my arms, one hand under her knees and the other behind her back and swing her back and forth over a huge pile of snow.

  “Please don’t,” she giggles.

  I swing her as I count. “One - two - three.” Instead of throwing her, I release her to her feet and she slides down the front of my body. It does wonders for warming me up - parts of me, anyway. My arms circle around her waist and her mitten covered hands rest on my arms. Her head is tipped back, her eyes locked on my mouth, her cheeks flushed pink.

  I could kiss her right now and she’d be on board. I can tell. She wants my lips on hers as much as I want to know if she tastes as delicious as I’ve imagined.

  I breathe in the biting chill of the air and remind myself why it can’t happen today.

  I’m not deviating from my plan.

  “How about we choose your tree, and I buy us some hot chocolate?”

  “Come on you have to help me.” She peers over her shoulder at me as she winds another strand of lights around the branches of the tree we chose.

  I’m relaxing on her couch my arms resting along the back edge as I watch her. She makes the most mundane task interesting to observe.

  “You look like you’ve got it all under control.” I wink at her.

  She huffs and shakes her head. “Those chocolate cupcakes I baked last night, the ones you were eyeballing earlier; I might not share them with you if you don’t give me a hand.”

  I rise to my feet, she hit me where it hurts. I’m a sucker for homemade baked goods.

  Her hardwood floors are slippery underneath my sock covered feet and I slide the last couple of feet over to her.

  She giggles. “Why am I hearing the beginning of Old Time Rock and Roll in my head?”

  I look down at my jeans and then back to her. “I think I’m overdressed if that’s the case.”

  She looks me over and her face flushes an adorable pink hue. I love when she blushes. She’s innocent for her age.

  I hold my hand out, “I’ll take that.” I gesture with my chin to the strand of lights clutched in her fist. She turns it over to me without a word and I continue winding the strand around the tree branches.

  The oversized sweater she had
on earlier is gone and has been replaced with a tight fitting gray t-shirt. There’s a purple husky on the front with the words Washington on top and football underneath.

  “Did you go to the University of Washington?” I ask.

  “Yes, I did.” She stands hands clasped, watching me.

  Good, another new thing I’ve learned about her today.

  “Did you date a football player?” I raise my eyebrow at her.

  She giggles. “Um, no. I was only fifteen when I started college. Trust me, no guys wanted to go out with me.”

  It doesn’t surprise me her brain capabilities surpass most. I already knew she was special, and this just adds another part to the Lana puzzle I’m putting together. It’s only a matter of time before I have all the pieces, and then all I’ll have to do is put her back together again.

  She’ll be better than ever; all the wounds of her past will be healed and the two of us will finally be together.

  We take a break to enjoy some coffee and her delicious chocolate cupcakes. Is there anything that’s not perfect about this girl?

  “I’ll work for food,” I joke as I take another bite. “Do you have anything else you need done? Just send a few of these baby’s home with me after.”

  She taps her lip like she’s trying to come up with something for me to do, but then giggles instead. “Finish up, we have some ornaments to hang.” She announces as she rinses her cup out in the kitchen sink.

  I groan. “I don’t decorate trees.”

  Jesus. I can’t remember the last time I had a tree. I’ve not put one up since I’ve been living on my own and my family wasn’t exactly the traditional type. The last year we had a tree I remember my dad tearing the cord out of the wall and throwing the tree across the living room.

  “Merry Fucking Christmas,” he yelled. My mother stood there, her hand over her mouth, weeping. My younger sister Chloe ran out of the room, tears streaming down her face. I can still hear the noise the glass ornaments made shattering against the wood floor as if it was yesterday.

  “Zack, are you okay?” Lana’s hand on my arm and her sweet voice pull me out of my bad memories.

  I smile at her. “I’m great now.” And I really am. All the bad is in the past. It’s like I’ve been reborn. My eyes drift to her small nativity scene. Like Jesus. How appropriate. All my sins washed away. I finally have a chance to do things right with her. I just hope I don’t fuck it up.

  I’m not the kind of guy she should be with and she’s bound to realize it.

  Christmas Day

  “I got you something,” Lana says, tucking her chin and lowering her eyes. Her shyness is adorable to me. Having just walked through her door, I’m amused she couldn’t wait.

  “You shouldn’t have, but I happen to have something for you, also.” Reaching in the side pocket on my sweatshirt, I remove the small wrapped box. Handing it to her, I rake my teeth over my bottom lip. I hope she likes it.

  She takes the red and white striped package from me and surprises me when she quickly tears the paper off. She pops open the cover and squeals when she sees the pendant I bought her. It’s a sterling silver rectangle with a Celtic knot on the front. It matches the ring she never takes off.

  “I love it.” She beams a smile at me. Removing it from the box she hands it to me. “Please put it on for me.” She spins around, giving me her back and lifts her hair off the tempting nape of her neck.

  My arms reach around her settling the pendant on her chest. Having her body pressed against mine is making me think things I shouldn’t be. I want to grip her hair and tug her head back so my lips can explore every inch of her neck. Fuck. I take a deep breath. Calm down. My fingers won’t cooperate when I try to open the clasp, and I growl.

  “You okay back there?” she giggles.

  “They really need to make these things bigger.”

  After two more tries I finally get the clasp open and fastened securely around her neck. She pivots around, her fingers pressed against it. “Zack, I love it so much. It’s beautiful.”

  “Do you know what it is?” I question.

  She raises an eyebrow. “It’s a necklace.”

  I smile. “Yes, it’s a necklace, but that’s not all it is.” My fingers brush against her chest as I pick up the pendant. “This pulls out.” I tug on the bottom of the rectangle, revealing a surprise. “It’s a secret flash drive.”

  Her eyes flare with excitement. “Oh, my God. It’s amazing. This is the coolest gift ever.” She throws her arms around me. I wrap her up in my embrace and enjoy the way she feels pressed against me.

  She pulls away all too soon. “I have something for you.”

  She hands me a medium sized box covered in snowmen gift wrap. The paper reminds me of how we played in the snow the day we went to pick out her tree.

  “Open it,” she jumps up and down, excitedly.

  I carefully peel back the tape one piece at a time, needing to remove the paper in one full piece.

  “Zack,” she giggles. “Are you messing with me?”

  I shake my head. “No, I always remove it like this.”

  “Hurry up. I can’t wait any longer.” She bounces up and down on her feet.

  My eyes flick to her and take in her eager expression. I slide my finger under the seam and rip the paper off.

  “Yes,” she squeals, clapping her hands. I smile and tear off the rest of it, dropping it to the floor. Seeing her so excited is worth the anxiety haphazardly tearing the paper causes me. I remove the cover from the box and buried under some white paper I find a plain black mug. Picking it up, I study it, turning it around in my hand. There’s nothing written on it. I glance at Lana and notice she’s biting her lip trying not to laugh.

  “Why do I feel like you’re playing a joke on me right now?” I question.

  She shrugs her shoulders, hands clasped in front of her. “I don’t know. Don’t you like your mug?” She asks all too innocently.

  “I love it because you chose it.”

  “You’re sweet. Let me show you what’s special about this mug.” She holds her hand out. I hand it over and she spins toward the kitchen. Turning on the hot water, she waits until it’s warmed up, then fills the mug. The heat morphs the black to white and reveals images of zombies. Their bloody hands are pressed against the side of the mug like they’re trapped inside.

  I smile. “This mug is epic. I’ll drink my coffee from this every single day.” Leaning down I kiss her on the top of her head and breathe in the scent of her soft hair. My chest is tight with all the emotion this is stirring up.

  This is why people enjoy giving and receiving gifts so much. Now I know what I’ve been missing out on all these years.

  Lana and I are watching a marathon of The Walking Dead, on her couch. I’ve never spent a Christmas Day doing something I’ve enjoyed so much. The holidays at my house were always filled with tension and violence.

  She pulls my arm around her shoulders and snuggles into my side. When she smiles up at me my chest gets tight, and gazing down at her has my heart beating erratically.

  “I hope you don’t mind cuddling. I’m cold and too lazy to go get a blanket,” she says, then giggles. Her sweet little laugh chimes like all the angel’s in Heaven must. She’s my own personal angel on earth. She’s the only heaven I’ll ever know.

  I shake my head, every coherent thought flying out of my mind as I peer into her magical eyes. In the bright afternoon light shining through her living room windows, I can make out the silvery blue flecks in her green irises. I’ve never noticed them before and seeing them in this moment makes me eager for what other secrets I’ll discover about her.

  Does she have a sexy little mole on her inner thigh?

  Will she like it when I mark her ass until it’s red with my hand or will she prefer the sting of my belt?

  Will fear flash in her eyes when she learns the depth of how dark my sexual preferences run?

  Jesus, I’m getting hard imagining all the immor
al things I’m going to do to her. I roll my neck around my shoulders and take a deep breath. I must be patient. We’re growing closer each day.

  Every time I’m in her company she takes away a little more of the pain from my past. She beats the bad memories back and makes me long for the day she’ll know she’s mine.

  Soon there will be no more secrets between us.

  8

  Lana

  New Year's Day

  When I exit the plane, a sense of relief washes over me. I’m happy to be back on the east coast. Nevada isn’t close to Washington, but it’s a lot closer than being on the opposite coast. Running from your problems is never a good idea, but sometimes you need some space before you can come to terms with them.

  Being back in Boston feels right. I’m not sure about a lot of things in my life right now, but I’m sure I found the place I’m meant to be - for now at least.

  I weave in and out through the throng of people waiting at the baggage claim area. I didn’t check a bag.

  My trip to Vegas for Derek and Kenna’s wedding was only for a couple of days, and I’m a light packer.

  Everyone else is coming home tomorrow; except for the newlyweds. They’re on their honeymoon for the next ten days.

  When I step outside into the frigid air January brings to this part of the country, the icy temperature is so shocking it steals my breath. I grit my teeth to keep them from chattering. My hands slide in the side pockets on my wool coat, pulling out my gloves. I drop my bag to the sidewalk and tug my pink gloves on.

  I wish I’d thought to bring a hat. It’s going to suck standing here while I try to flag down a cab. Adjusting my scarf so it covers the bottom of my face, I lean forward to pick up my bag. The sooner I look for a ride the better.

  “Let me get that for you.” I hear a deep voice I recognize as jean clad legs stop beside me. Glancing up from my bent over position, I find Zack standing there.