by K. L. Slater
‘How can Darren do it? You know he works away for half the week, and when he is home, he’s always gone before six.’
‘I’m not so good in the morning these days, Louise,’ I say slowly. ‘It takes me time to come round, and—’
‘Please, Alice. You know I wouldn’t ask unless I was desperate. I’ve always been there for you, haven’t I? After the accident, when you were in hospital.’
She visited a couple of times, and drove me home when they discharged me.
‘That’s what sisters do,’ she continues. ‘Remember how I took time off work so you didn’t have to sort Mum’s stuff out on your own?’
When Mum died, she took a day off to lay claim to most of her jewellery and the antique dresser in the front room that had been in the family for over a hundred years. It took me weeks to go through the rest of Mum’s belongings.
I think about the past and how I was there for Louise when it all kicked off with Martyn. But I don’t bring that up.
‘Alice?’
‘Yes, I’m listening,’ I tell her. ‘Why is it that you can’t take Archie to school yourself?’
‘There are some early meetings that have been scheduled last minute that I just can’t get out of.’ She sounds offended. ‘Do you honestly think I’d ask unless I—’
‘OK, I’ll do it,’ I say, finally beaten.
‘You’re an angel! I won’t forget this, I promise.’
‘How long will it be for?’ I ask. ‘That I have to take Archie to school, I mean?’
‘Oh, only a few days, probably not even the whole week.’ I can almost see her waving me away, moving on to her next diary entry. ‘Tomorrow, then. See you at seven or just before, yeah?’
‘Yes, but—’ I can google the quickest route to Archie’s school from here, but I need to find out from Louise what the procedure is when I get him there, so I can at least rehearse it in my mind. If I have no choice but to leave the flat, then I want to be prepared. I don’t want anything to go wrong.
But Louise calls goodbye over my words and ends the call.
CHAPTER EIGHT
Tuesday morning, the shrill call of the alarm rouses me from sleep.
I’ve had another restless night, waking for no apparent reason at two a.m. and lying awake long enough to see the glaring red digits of my alarm clock click past four.
My heart sinks when I remember the reason for setting the alarm. It’s 6.45, and Archie will be arriving in just a few minutes’ time.
I slide my legs over the side of the bed and press the soles of my feet into the slippers that I always place strategically on the rug. I pull my dressing gown towards me from the bottom of the bed and shrug it on as I stand up, just as the noise starts.
Banging on the door. Muffled voices.
I sigh and open the bedroom door, and Magnus swishes around my lower legs, yowling in protest. I usually let him lie on the bed with me, but I felt so tired the previous evening, I obviously didn’t think to leave the door ajar.
Magnus will not enjoy Archie being here for the next few mornings. And who can blame him? My nephew’s particular brand of forcing a cuddle is any cat’s worst nightmare.
‘You’re not going to speak to me for a week, but it can’t be helped,’ I tell Magnus as he stares up at me petulantly.
Cue more banging on the door.
‘Alice… are you awake? Alice?’ Louise’s voice calls out as she continues to hammer.
It isn’t seven yet and I spare a thought for my neighbours. Mr Jephson, who works nights and gets in at six in the morning. He’s probably just managed to get to sleep. Donna, across the hall, who doesn’t have to leave for work until nine and won’t be up yet.
‘I’m coming, hold on!’ I call back, hoping to avoid more of her impatient hammering.
I slip back the deadbolt and turn the lock. Louise pushes the door open wider and charges in, Archie trailing gloomily in her wake.
‘Thank goodness for that. I thought you weren’t going to answer.’ She frowns at my dressing gown. ‘I hope Archie isn’t going to be late for school.’
It’s a shame her bedside manner has deteriorated so badly from her pleading call to me yesterday.
‘You said you’d be here at seven,’ I remind her, at the same time wondering how she’s managed to achieve a full face of make-up, immaculate hair and a stylish navy shift dress with matching box jacket at this unearthly hour.
‘I can’t be held to the minute.’ She rolls her eyes. ‘It’s nearly seven. Do you want us to go out and come back in again?’
‘Morning, Archie,’ I say brightly. There is no winning with Louise when she’s in this mood.
Louise gives him a prod. ‘Say hello to Auntie Alice.’
‘Morning,’ he mumbles.
He looks just about as happy to be here as I am to have him. But I don’t want to become his enemy.
‘I wanted to ask what the procedure is when we get to school,’ I say to Louise.
‘Just take him to the main reception and they’ll buzz you through.’ She waves her hand dismissively. ‘Archie knows what to do, don’t you, pudding?’
‘I’ve got a belly ache,’ Archie grumbles, rubbing his soft stomach.
‘He always says that when there’s something he doesn’t want to do.’ Louise frowns.
‘I have got a belly ache, though!’ Archie protests, his face reddening. ‘And I don’t want to stay here again… The cat doesn’t like me.’
Magnus glares back at him.
‘We’ll be fine, and I’ll put Magnus in the bedroom. I’ve told you, Archie, you just need to be a bit gentler with him.’ I manage a little smile, hoping to defuse the telling-off that, judging by the look on Louise’s face, Archie is about to receive. The best thing I can do is get her out of here, get Archie sat in front of the TV and earn myself a few more minutes to get ready. ‘I’ll call you if I have any problems.’
‘Well, I’m in a meeting from seven thirty onwards, but I’m sure you’ll be fine.’
I see Louise to the door and Magnus disappears back into the bedroom. I hand Archie the remote control.
‘I’m going to get ready,’ I tell him. ‘It takes me a while, I’m afraid.’
‘Why?’ He frowns up at me.
‘Sometimes I’m in a bit of pain in the mornings,’ I say. ‘It slows me down.’
He nods and turns back to the TV.
After a quick wash, I dress in the clothes I got ready last night. It’s easy-wear stuff again. Black leggings and a loose patterned tunic top. I rake a hairbrush through my dull mousy bob, smear on some moisturiser and a lick of tinted lip balm.
I scribble a few things down on my notepad and rip off the piece of paper to take with me, then take my socks into the living room so I can sit in the low chair to put them on. I bend forward slowly, trying to ignore the throbbing that immediately starts up at the bottom of my spine.
Archie turns from the television and watches me as I take a breath and push myself a little further until I can hook my toes into the sock.
The pain is banging now, all through my back, shoulders and neck. I’m faintly aware of Archie leaving the room as eventually I manage to get one sock completely on.
Cartoons blare from the television, far too colourful and loud.
I reach for the other sock just as Archie walks back in and stands in front of me.
‘I brought you these,’ he says, holding up the flat black ankle boots I set by the door ready for our walk to school.
‘Oh!’ I close my mouth quickly to cover my surprise. ‘Thank you, Archie. That’s really kind.’
He bends down, taking the remaining sock from me.
‘And I can help you with this too, Auntie Alice.’ He pats his knee. ‘Foot up.’
CHAPTER NINE
LOUISE
She’d been sitting in gridlocked traffic for at least four minutes now without moving an inch. Four minutes didn’t sound long, but to Louise it felt like an age.
She cou
ld feel the tension building inside her again like a pressure cooker, but she couldn’t lose focus, not now. It had to be done.
She’d made some decisions and she couldn’t back out. Thank goodness she’d been able to rope Alice in to look after Archie. The two of them hadn’t been really close for a long time now, but her sister was proving to be invaluable. Fortunately, she didn’t ask too many questions.
Sometimes Louise felt so envious of Alice, and sometimes, she admitted, slightly irritated. When Alice had opened the door of her flat this morning in her dressing gown, obviously just having woken up, she couldn’t help but compare that to the fact that she herself had been awake since five, risen before six, taken a shower, styled her hair and put on her make-up and clothes – her disguise that would get her through the day.
Nobody knew the real Louise. Not Darren, Archie or her colleagues at work, and certainly not her sister. But there was a cost to maintaining an effective facade. Several times lately she’d come close to losing it, unleashing the anger and pain on someone close. Such instances felt like a tear in the invisible fabric that held her together.
She’d need to curb her cynical comments to Alice and keep her temper in check until she could get help. But help was a long way ahead yet.
She reached forward and turned on Smooth Radio, hoping for some chill-out tunes to settle her, but as soon as the music started, she immediately regretted doing so.
The dulcet tones of Adele filled the car, transporting her back to when she’d first set eyes on Martyn Hardy.
Ten years earlier
It had been a balmy late-August evening and Louise had organised a night out with Lucy, her oldest friend from school, who was back in town after completing a four-year teaching degree at Newcastle University.
‘I can’t get over how fab you look,’ Lucy gushed as soon as Louise got off the bus. ‘I feel so pasty compared to you. I suppose that’s what happens when you become stuck in a textbook for too long.’
Louise laughed, but secretly she felt pleased at Lucy’s compliment. She’d managed to get a nice tan thanks to a good week weather-wise and spending afternoons revising in the garden at home.
She’d managed to swing a job as an assistant events organiser in a small hotel in town, and they were supporting her in a college course to gain a hospitality qualification.
This was her designated college week, so she’d been in class each morning and then back home studying for her end-of-week examination in the afternoon.
She’d taken the exam yesterday, and although she’d have to wait a week for her official mark, she knew she’d done well because she hadn’t struggled with any of the questions at all.
Tonight, she’d worn her white mini skirt and a tight white T-shirt to show off her tan and her lithe figure. Life was good, and Lucy noticing and commenting on her appearance had given her an extra boost.
Arm in arm, the girls clip-clopped up the street in their heels, chattering non-stop, each desperate to update the other on her news. The doorman, looking appreciatively at Louise’s toned legs, waved them both straight in, ahead of the queue, and they skipped gratefully inside the club, giggling at the irritated groans of the people left waiting outside.
Inside, the queue for drinks was four deep at the bar, but Louise didn’t mind; they had all night, and Lucy was recounting hilarious and entertaining stories about her drunken exploits at uni.
Gradually, in that sixth-sense way she sometimes had if someone was staring, Louise became aware of someone watching her intently from across the bar. At an opportune moment, she allowed herself a quick glance away from Lucy’s face.
He was tall and well built, his shoulders almost twice the width of those of the man standing next to him. He too was wearing a white T-shirt, the sleeves straining against his tanned, bulging biceps, and there was something else she found very attractive: he looked to be in his early thirties, probably about ten years older than her. A man in a club full of spotty boys her own age.
She pulled her attention back to Lucy’s story but she knew she’d kept her eyes on him just a beat too long to pretend she wasn’t interested. He’d already recognised this, and smiled and raised his glass to her.
Within thirty seconds, a barman had beckoned Louise forward, again eliciting annoyed glances from other waiting customers before her.
‘What can I get you, love?’ he called above the music and chatter.
‘Ooh, thanks! Two white wine and sodas, please.’
She gave an impressed Lucy a thumbs-up and opened her handbag for her purse as the drinks appeared in front of her.
‘No charge, sweetheart. Courtesy of Mr Hardy over there.’
The man across the bar winked and raised his glass again, and she mouthed a silent thank you as she moved back to Lucy.
‘Blimey, you should wear that outfit more often,’ Lucy joked when Louise explained what had happened. ‘He’s quite dishy, that fella, if a bit old. Do you reckon he’s on steroids? His biceps are—’
Louise coughed, drowning out Lucy’s words and letting her know that the man in question was now standing right behind her.
‘Evening, ladies.’ His voice was deep and smooth. ‘I’m Martyn.’
‘Louise.’ She smiled coyly.
‘I’m Lucy. Thanks ever so much for the drinks.’
‘You’re welcome. Hope you don’t mind, seems a lot of girls object to a gentlemanly gesture these days.’
‘Not us!’ Lucy spluttered as she swigged back her wine. ‘You can buy our drinks all night if you like.’
‘Luce!’ Louise rolled her eyes as she turned to him. ‘Thanks, Martyn, it’s much appreciated. I thought I might never get served at all.’
He looked at her properly then, with twinkling hazel eyes that seemed to be full of mischief, and she was grateful for the low lights as she felt her cheeks ignite. She couldn’t tear her eyes away from his, as though she’d been hypnotised. That was the moment her favourite Adele song came on, ‘Chasing Pavements’.
She closed her eyes and swayed to the music, the warmth of the wine moving through her. When she looked up, Martyn was still watching her, the faintest smile on his face, but it was a smile of admiration, not mocking at all.
Louise stood five foot nine in her four-inch heels, but she felt slight and vulnerable next to his six-foot-plus frame and broad shoulders. It was a nice feeling.
Lucy, who had already drained her wine glass and fallen quiet, spotted an old friend from school at the other side of the bar, and after throwing Louise a rather sour look, she melted away into the crowd.
‘Luce!’ Louise stepped forward after her, but Martyn’s strong hand rested on her upper arm.
‘Leave her, she’ll be OK… I know it’s selfish, but I’d like a bit of time with you. Your friend can see you any time.’
Louise sighed and nodded. Lucy had been the one who’d been away at uni all this time, after all. They’d have loads of time to catch up now that she’d finished her course.
Martyn turned to the bar and raised his index finger, and the barman immediately came over, serving him through the fidgeting throng of waiting customers. Louise couldn’t help noticing that nobody uttered a word of complaint, seemingly silenced by Martyn’s imposing stature and authoritative manner.
He handed her another glass of wine and then moved so close she could feel the heat of his body against her own. When he bent down to say something in her ear, she inhaled a heady, spicy scent that set her nerve endings alight.
‘Sorry,’ she told him. ‘I didn’t catch what you just said.’
‘I said…’ He leaned closer still. ‘I love your beauty, your fire, your style.’
She smiled and felt her cheeks flush again. No man had ever said anything like that to her before.
Later, she often thought how ironic it was that those attributes were the very things he would come to despise in her.
CHAPTER TEN
ALICE
Finally I get my boots on with
Archie’s help, and we put on our coats and leave the flat.
As we walk up the corridor, I’m seeing my nephew in a new light. I’ve had an unexpected glimpse of a caring boy who had the empathy to see my frustration in carrying out a simple task this morning.
I press the button for the lift, and we listen as it clunks and whirrs into life on a floor somewhere above us.
‘I can smell something.’ Archie wrinkles his nose as we step inside. ‘Is it wee?’
‘I don’t think so.’ I smile. ‘Smells more like cleaning fluid to me.’
Despite Louise’s regular moans about the communal areas, which I’m sure Archie has overheard many times, they are cleaned and maintained, and the building is secure, too. Not the kind of place that undesirables can freely walk into and urinate in the lifts.
‘It’s raining,’ Archie groans as we step out onto the street. ‘I wish I was going to school in the car. I hate walking.’
‘It’s only drizzle.’ I smile at him. ‘The fresh air and exercise will do us both good. When we were little, your mum and I used to take turns standing outside in the rain as a dare.’
‘Mum hates rain, she says it ruins her hair.’
‘Well she didn’t care about that back then.’ I grin. ‘We’d start with thirty seconds and graduate up to about five minutes. Apart from the time your mum locked me out for nearly fifteen minutes and I got the flu.’
‘That’s not a proper dare.’ Archie seems unimpressed. ‘It’s not even scary.’
It’s an effort, but I keep my face as normal as I can, because I too feel uncomfortable being outside. It’s not the rain that’s bothering me but the fact that I’m outside in the big wide world where I know things can go badly wrong. I fight a growing compulsion to rush back into the flat.
I haven’t always been like this. It’s somehow connected to the guilt I struggle with about the past. About Jack. I suppose I’m scared I’ll inadvertently do something to ruin someone else’s life, like I did his.
