by K. L. Slater
‘I do want this, I really do,’ I whispered. ‘But I couldn’t live with myself if something happened to Mum and I wasn’t there… She’s all alone in the hospital; they think she might have had a heart attack.’
A tear trickled down my cheek and I left it to carve a neat trail in the perfect make-up I’d applied earlier.
‘What about your sister?’
I shook my head. ‘I’ve just tried to reason with her on the phone, but she can’t get out of an important work meeting.’
Jim’s mouth set in a grim line.
‘Yet she expects you to walk away from what is potentially the most important interview in your career so far?’
‘You know Louise.’ I shrugged.
He didn’t know Louise personally, of course. But he knew she worked for the PR company and her name had frequently come up when Jim had counselled me about nurturing confidence in my abilities at work.
In one conversation just a few weeks earlier, he had asked who it was who’d done such a good job of undermining me all these years, and I’d replied that nobody had. I told him my parents had been supportive; that they had always encouraged me to believe I could achieve anything if I put my mind to it.
But Jim hadn’t been fooled. He’d kept prodding, foraging for more.
‘What about siblings… have you any other brothers or sisters?’
‘Just Louise,’ I’d replied faintly, and just like that, a memory I’d turned my back on long ago surfaced with a vengeance.
I’d openly shrugged it away; it was just a silly childhood remnant that had no business coming back in a work situation. But there was no fooling Jim.
‘Tell me about it,’ he’d urged me.
Reluctantly, I’d relayed the story of the school Christmas nativity when I was just seven years old.
‘Mum and Dad were so proud when the class teacher, Mrs Jephson, chose me to play Mary. It was a pretty big deal back then!’
I beamed and then caught myself. What an idiot Jim must think me.
‘Sounds great. You know, it’s exactly those kinds of achievements and milestones that have made me and Jean proudest of our kids over the years. Definitely a big deal.’
‘Well, that was until Louise convinced me I would make a dreadful mess of it, embarrassing myself and our parents.’
‘And how exactly did she convince you of this?’
I thought for a moment, surprising myself with the sudden clarity of the realisation.
‘You know, looking back, I guess she kind of worked at it. Conjuring up terrible, believable scenes where I’d forget my lines against a backdrop of disapproving silence and Mum’s mortified face in the front row. Or I might fall off stage to the raucous laughter of the audience and the whole school would be there to witness it.’ I shuddered. ‘She’d run through the awful possibilities every night before bed and as soon as we woke up each morning.’
‘From the look on your face, she did a very good job. You still seem haunted by the story even now.’
‘I’ve never thought of it like that, but I think I might be.’ I nodded vaguely and then shook myself, laughing. ‘Anyway, how did we even get onto this nonsense?’
‘One more question.’ Jim raised an index finger. ‘Louise is three years older than you, right?’ I nodded. ‘So, had she been a roaring success on the school stage before you? Is that how she got to be such an expert?’
‘That’s just it, she wasn’t! She would have loved to act in a lead role, but despite being a confident girl, as soon as she got on stage, her legs always turned to jelly. So the teachers stopped giving her decent roles. Her jealousy didn’t make any sense.’
Jim smiled. ‘I think, if you mull our conversation over in a quiet moment, you’ll find it makes perfect sense. Even today.’
‘Alice?’ Jim waved a hand in front of me now and I snapped back to the awful reality and the choice I had to make.
Mum was alone in hospital and a panel of extremely senior investors were sitting just feet away from where Jim and I now stood, with the power to hand me the job of my dreams.
I swallowed hard. ‘I’m sorry, Jim. You’ve been so supportive, but I have to go and see my mum.’
Jim’s lined face looked strained, pale. ‘I give you my word, the second the interview is over, I’ll drive you back to Nottingham myself. You’ll be there no later than…’ he consulted his watch, ‘twelve thirty, one o’clock tops. Your mum is in the best hands; they’ve probably sedated her, so she’ll be none the wiser that you’re not there. What do you say?’
I looked at this man who’d put himself on the line to back me against the opinion of the board, who probably didn’t believe I was experienced enough.
And then I thought about my poor mum, lying in a hospital bed, afraid and alone. Wondering why nobody in her own family cared enough to be there for her.
‘Sorry, Jim,’ I said, turning around to head in the opposite direction. ‘I’ve no choice but to go.’
CHAPTER FIFTY-SIX
Three years earlier
I tore off my jacket, threw it onto the back seat and jumped into the car.
I was boiling hot but I couldn’t stop shaking. Driving out of the car park, I called Jack on hands-free. No answer.
I pulled over and texted him instead.
Call me when you can. Mum’s been taken into hospital. On my way back to Nottm xx
How could everything turn upside down in a matter of minutes?
I felt sick with worry. I couldn’t believe Darren hadn’t gone to the hospital with her, at least until someone else could take over. Whether Archie was there or not, we all owed Mum, and it broke my heart that she was there alone right now.
I couldn’t even bring myself to think about Louise. At that precise moment I felt like I could happily never set eyes on her again. Accusing me of being heartless in putting work before family and then merrily skipping off to her own job while Mum was possibly in a critical condition.
The M1 was predictably busy, but the car was still moving and for that I felt grateful. I was on my way and that was what mattered.
I drove in a kind of focused trance. All I could think about was being there for Mum when she woke up.
The speaker blared out with Jack’s return call and tipped me into the moment again.
‘Alice? I just got your text. What the hell happened?’
‘Mum had a fall.’ I suppressed a sob. ‘Louise rang and said I had to come back to be with her at the hospital.’
‘So you didn’t have your interview? You were about to go in when we last texted.’
‘No. Louise refused to hold the fort until I could get there. I had to leave the panel hanging.’
I heard Jack mutter something angrily under his breath.
‘OK, give me the ward details and I’ll meet you at the hospital.’
I breathed out with relief at the realisation that I didn’t have to face this alone and gave him the details of where Mum had been taken.
‘I’m about halfway back now, so I should be there in around thirty minutes or so.’ I sniffed.
‘I’ll meet you outside the ward,’ he said. ‘And Alice?’
‘Yes?’
‘I love you.’
‘Love you too,’ I croaked before ending the call and dissolving into a pit of grief.
I felt like I’d never stop the tears, but I dabbed my eyes with a tissue and forced myself to focus on the road. I knew I needed to keep my wits about me or there could be another one of us in hospital.
* * *
I parked up at the hospital and rushed inside.
Jack was waiting as promised. I fell into his arms, sobbing.
‘I tried to find out how she was, but they won’t tell me anything as I’m not family,’ Jack said.
Jim was right. Mum was heavily sedated and hadn’t a clue that she’d been alone.
‘We’ll keep her that way a while longer,’ the doctor said. ‘The best thing you can do is go home and get some re
st. Someone will call you when your mother is awake.’
I wouldn’t go. I couldn’t. We sat there for hours. A couple of times I fell asleep on Jack’s shoulder but jerked awake again the second there was a nearby noise. The lack of sleep the night before my interview was taking its toll.
After four hours of waiting, I finally took Jack’s advice to go home.
‘You’re too tired to drive,’ he said. ‘Leave the car here and we’ll get a cab back to yours.’
‘I’m fine,’ I said stubbornly. ‘I want the car so I can come straight away if they call.’
Jack hadn’t passed his driving test. We’d talked about me showing him the basics but hadn’t got around to it yet.
‘Alice, seriously. You look whacked.’
‘I am tired, but it’s only a fifteen-minute drive. Stop fussing.’
After ensuring the doctor had the correct phone numbers, I allowed Jack to lead me out to the car.
It was quite a walk back to the car park, and I felt so exhausted, I could have happily lain down on the grass verge and nodded off. But I kept putting one foot in front of the other and eventually the car came into view.
‘Last chance,’ Jack said cautiously, as if I might snap his head off. ‘There’s a cab with its light on over there, look.’
I followed his eyes to a green Hackney cab, the driver looking hopeful we might hail him.
‘I’m fine,’ I said again, and the car’s sidelights flashed as I unlocked it.
And that was it. The worst decision in my life had been made.
CHAPTER FIFTY-SEVEN
Three years earlier
Jack knew I wasn’t quite right. He kept talking to me, telling me everything was going to be just fine.
But I wasn’t listening.
And I wasn’t focusing on the road.
I took my eyes off it just for a second or two… and that was when it happened.
A car coming the other way, appearing out of nowhere… I swerved to avoid it and we hit a tree.
Jack died at the scene and I suffered concussion and lower back injuries.
Two seconds.
That was all it took.
CHAPTER FIFTY-EIGHT
I haven’t got kids, have never worked with kids, don’t hang around with friends who have kids. So I guess it follows that I probably don’t know that much about kids.
Yet the moment Archie mentioned a secret, I instinctively knew that, instead of interrogating him, I needed to bite down on my tongue and give him space.
Trying to force a kid to tell something they’ve been specifically told not to is probably the worst thing you can do in terms of risking them internalising it and maybe even blaming themselves for whatever it is that’s happening in their life.
I won’t go down that path, but I can’t just ignore it either.
I call Louise’s phone, but it’s turned off.
So I call Darren. It rings for so long without cutting to answerphone that I’m about to end the call, but at last he answers.
‘Hi, Alice. How are you? To what do I owe this honour?’ he jokes.
I briefly explain what’s happened.
‘You have Archie there? I thought Louise was taking him to football practice tonight.’
Football practice? He seems to have no clue about what’s happening with Archie and Louise when he’s out of the house. It seems she’s deliberately misleading him.
‘I’ll come over,’ he offers right away. ‘I literally just walked in from work, though, so give me half an hour to get changed and grab a sandwich.’
I end the call and put Archie’s pizza slices on a plate with a sliced tomato and a few carrot batons.
‘What’s that?’ He pokes at the carrot.
‘It’s called a carrot, Archie. It grows in the ground.’
He laughs.
‘Seriously, you need some fresh food in your life, not just takeaway crap. There’s some fruit salad for pudding.’
‘Whoopee,’ he says, without enthusiasm.
‘And… just so you know, your dad will be over later.’
He puts down the slice of pizza he’s holding and looks at me.
‘Nothing for you to worry about. I just want to make sure he takes you to the doctor’s to check out your head.’
‘You promised you wouldn’t say anything.’ He forces the words out from between clenched teeth. ‘You promised.’
‘I’m not going to repeat what you told me, Archie. I gave you my word and I meant it, but there are certain things we can’t ignore. Now, eat your pizza.’
He pushes the plate away. ‘I’m not hungry any more.’
* * *
Darren arrives within the hour.
He kisses me on the cheek and then rushes straight through to the lounge.
‘Are you OK, mate? Auntie Alice says you had another nosebleed.’
‘I’m fine,’ Archie says, keeping his eyes on the television. ‘I kept telling her I’m fine.’
‘I told you, you’re not in any trouble, Archie,’ I say from behind Darren. ‘We just need to make sure your head is OK, that’s all.’
‘That’s right, champ. How are you feeling?’
‘Fine,’ Archie says. ‘Auntie Alice is just making a fuss, Dad.’
‘There was quite a lot of blood, Archie!’ I defend myself before speaking again to Darren. ‘And my upstairs neighbour was here, so when Archie said he’d hit his head but hadn’t been to the doctor’s, I felt a bit—’
‘I didn’t tell her anything, Dad,’ Archie says, his voice quivering.
Is he referring to me or to Jenny? The fear on his face tears me apart inside.
‘Hey.’ Darren walks over to him, sits beside him and puts his arm around his shoulders. ‘What am I always telling you, eh? You’re not in any trouble. This is not your fault, so chill out, right?’
‘Right.’ Archie nods and Darren affectionately presses the boy’s head to his shoulder before standing up and looking at me meaningfully, tucking his T-shirt into his jeans.
‘Got a minute?’
‘Let’s go in the kitchen,’ I say.
Once we’re in there and he’s out of Archie’s eyesight, Darren seems to deflate like a balloon. Over coffee, he enlightens me about a situation far worse than I imagined.
‘Louise has lost the plot and I don’t know what to do about it.’ He hangs his head and worry lines pool around his features. ‘She seems to get angrier by the day, often with Archie. And her drinking is out of control. I caught her pouring vodka into her lunchtime water bottle the other day.’
I don’t mention the bottle of vodka I found in her bag.
‘This can’t go on.’ I give him a pained look. ‘Archie is a nervous wreck, you can see it in his face.’
Darren nods gravely. ‘And as if all this isn’t enough, yesterday I found out something else that tops it all. It came to a head last night and that’s why she kicked off big time.’
‘She’s having an affair as you suspected?’
Darren shakes his head. ‘I still suspect that, but this is more damaging in its own way because of its potential to threaten our livelihood, our home. She’s got badly in debt, signed loans on our property. Worse still, she faked my signature.’
‘Why would she do that?’ I gasp. ‘What does she need the money for?’
‘I asked her exactly that, but she was so angry with me I couldn’t get a word of sense out of her. I confess I’d searched her desk drawer in the home office and I’m not proud of that – but I was desperate, Alice. I’ve known for some time that things were going badly wrong, but so far she’s refused to discuss it with me.’
‘Do you think she’s amassing funds to start a new life?’ I say, feeling disloyal to Louise, despite the worsening situation.
‘Maybe that’s it, I don’t know.’ He sounds defeated. ‘I never wanted the big house, the SUV, the exotic holidays, but I stretched our finances and worked extra hours to get it all so Louise was happy. Now every penny o
f what we earn is accounted for but she’s already tired of what we have.’
‘So she refused to talk about the loans?’
Darren nodded. ‘She just blew up, threatened to leave and take Archie with her. You know that would kill me, right?’
‘I’m sorry, Darren. It must have felt awful to hear her say that.’
He falls silent. Archie told me how upset his dad had been. I could throttle Louise for what she’s doing to them both.
‘Archie said… Louise pushed him and he fell over and hit his head.’
I feel like I know too much about their private lives. It’s awkward, to say the least, but it needs raising.
‘She did.’ Darren is clearly devastated. ‘I’m his dad and I just stood there while she made him promise not to breathe a word to anyone. What kind of a man does that make me?’
‘A confused one. A very worried one, and there’s no shame in that.’ I lay my hand on his arm. ‘Don’t blame yourself for this, Darren, but you know you can’t let it go on.’
‘I know,’ he whispers. ‘People are going to start noticing… sounds like your neighbour has already heard more than she should. If school get wind of problems at home, we could end up losing Archie. I…’ His voice cracks and he covers his face with his hands.
‘Thankfully it hasn’t got to that stage yet. We can try and sort it all out now before there are serious implications. Don’t worry about Jenny upstairs: she’s OK, and she’s busy with her own problems anyway. She’s probably already forgotten about it. But people at school are bound to start drawing conclusions if Archie’s disruptive home life continues.’
He hesitates before speaking.
‘I wondered if… I thought… Oh, forget it. It’s a stupid idea and you don’t need the hassle.’
‘Go on,’ I urge him. ‘If I can help, I will, you know that.’
