by Daisy Waugh
CRRR-Bleepbleep-BRRRR. ‘Is there any ketchup?’
‘I didn’t go to law school for four years,’ snarls Clive, ‘to wind up running a fucking doss house. Anywhere. Least of all in Sri Lanka. Ollie, I’ve told you four times already. Switch off that bloody toy. Now.’
CRRR-Bleepbleep-BRRRR. ‘Is there any ketchup?’
‘Which is why, Geraldine darling,’ he continues, ‘we must all go back to London and face the music. That way Ollie can learn from his mistakes.’
CRRR-Bleepbleep-BRRRR. ‘Mum, I really want some ketchup.’
‘Are you insane, Clive? They’ll lock him up! They’ll lock up our only little boy! How about Jamaica? Jamaica’s lovely. We could open a golf club. Just think,’ she adds wistfully, ‘no more English winters. It’ll be terrific. We can get involved with the local community. Do something with the kids, perhaps. Put something back…’
‘Geraldine…’ Patiently, Clive Adams lays down his knife and fork, wipes the HP sauce from around his bloodless lips. (Chips, beans and bacon cheeseburger; possibly the most delicious lunch he’s eaten since leaving university.) ‘Geraldine, it’s highly unlikely they’ll “lock him up”. Don’t be so hysterical. And if they do…’ He smiles, rests a dry hand on his wife’s bony shoulder. ‘Darling. I know it’s horrid, but as responsible parents we have to think of the Big Picture. We have to think of ourselves. Because if we’re unhappy what use will we possibly be to our only-little-boy then? I don’t want to live in some God-awful colonial outpost for the rest of my life any more than you do.’
‘Actually, Clive, yes, I do.’
‘I want to put this whole, silly “rural” experiment behind us. Once and for all. And I think it’s in Ollie’s interests –’
CRRR-Bleepbleep-BRRRR.
‘– that we return to London as soon as possible. I’ve already contacted dear old Vernon and he’s assured me the job’s there. If I want it. Which, Geraldine, I do.’
Geraldine gasps. ‘You…bastard!’ she says in amazement.
‘Not at all. I’ve thought it through very clearly—’
‘You want to turn him in!’
‘I want to behave like an adult, Geraldine.’
‘You want to turn your own son in!’
‘That’s not the expression I’d use—’
CrrrBlipBRRRCCRRLRPblpCrrrblipblopSPLASHSHSH SHSH.
Outside the lights are flashing. Clive’s pale face is turning alternately blue, white, blue, white. They hear the car doors slamming, the noisy hiss of the walkie-talkies.
‘Oh, bollocks,’ Ollie says…GAME OVER…GAME OVER…GAME OVER…‘Stop jogging the table everyone.’
ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
Many thanks to Anthea Donald. Thanks to Sarah Waters and all the staff at Kingston St Mary Primary School; Judith Furseland and all the staff at Lydeard St Lawrence Primary School; Jill Hodson and Father Donald Reece at St Stephen’s Primary School. For the sake of moving the story along I have taken liberties with some of the drier information I was given, and I certainly apologise for any irritation that might cause. Thanks also to Sarah MacHattie, Fiona McIntosh, Helen Johnstone, Jenny Wilson, Honey Thomas, Eliza Waugh, Teresa Waugh and Nick Holmes.
Special thanks to Clare Alexander, Lynne Drew and Maxine Hitchcock.
Extra special thanks to Imogen, the best chatter in Britain.
Extra, extra special thanks to Peter, Panda and zuperzonic Zebedee.
About the Author
BED OF ROSES
Daisy Waugh is currently homeless, based in the South of France and looking for a place to settle in Bath, Somerset, the county she grew up in. A journalist and travel writer for many publications, she has worked as an agony aunt and a restaurant critic. She was a teacher at a girls’ school in Northern Kenya and has also written a weekly column from Los Angeles about her attempts to become a Hollywood scriptwriter. She is married to film producer Peter La Terrière and they have two children. This is her fourth novel.
For automatic updates on Daisy Waugh, visit HarperCollins.co.uk and register for AuthorTracker.
Also by Daisy Waugh:
A Small Town in Africa
The New You Survival Kit
Ten Steps to Happiness
Copyright
This novel is entirely a work of fiction.
The names, characters and incidents portrayed in it are
the work of the author’s imagination. Any resemblance to
actual persons, living or dead, events or localities is
entirely coincidental.
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A Paperback Original 2005
FIRST EDITION
Copyright © Daisy Waugh 2005
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EPub Edition © MARCH 2010 ISBN: 978-0-007-37229-4
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