“It’ll be good for the two of us to learn such a thing with each other as friends, rather than waiting until we get married to mess it up,” he had reasoned with me at the time.
As naïve as I was at the time, his explanation seemed reasonable. I knew he was my best friend, but I loved him too. When he promised to marry me, I thought it would someday be a reality, but the reality was that I never saw him again.
I stood up to leave, determined to leave the memories behind me, where, in my opinion, they belonged. I walked slowly toward the house, kicking up the dirt in the road, the same way I had as a child. A rough patch of earth caught my shoe, and when I bent down to push aside the dirt, I discovered the bricks that still lay on the alley road. As the years passed, the dirt had covered the bricks, and a layer of grass grew along the middle of the narrow lane. It saddened me that the brick road had not been preserved in its historic state.
****
That night, I met Penelope’s husband and children. Her oldest at twelve, to my surprise, was named Jane.
“I named her after you,” Penelope said.
I felt flattered that she’d thought of me after all the years that had passed. Next in line was Joshua at ten.
“The same age as my Simon,” I told her.
After Joshua, were her eight-year-old twins, Jill and Jake. Her husband, Jonathon, a contractor, built houses. When I described the house that Elijah had built for us, he was interested in seeing my husband’s carpentry. He’d built the home that he and Penelope lived in. It was a beautiful home, full of painted woodwork. Each room displayed a country motif, full of antiques—much the same as my own taste in décor. After dinner, it was decided that the Rogers family would visit me at my farm in Indiana when they vacationed in November.
The very thought of having my children meeting a person that I’d told them about on so many occasions, brought me hope for my new beginning in life. I knew that my children would be just as excited as I was at that moment. I could already hear them planning all the things that we would do when our guests arrived for their visit.
****
The next two days were spent sewing two more dresses on Mrs. Waverly’s electric sewing machine. She had to assist me for a while until I could get used to the difference between it, and my own foot-pedaled machine at home. Though I hadn’t originally intended on making anything, I had changed my mind when I learned how much time the electric machine saved. On breaks, we baked bread and snitz pies with dark molasses.
Penelope came over with her children on the fourth and fifth days of my stay. I planned on going home the following day, and I felt more than ready to face the world again. Penelope and I had come to terms with the events that had taken place at her home more than seventeen years ago. Late in the afternoon, we walked through the abandoned house that was said to have never had another occupant after the death of her mother. There were no longer doors or windows, for they had all been broken into. The wood flooring was rotted and full of dirt and leaves. The same sofa remained in the dark living room, giving the two of us an eerie feeling.
“I can’t believe I used to live in this house,” Penelope said.
“I can’t believe it’s been abandoned all these years,” I answered.
“Technically, it still belongs to me, since my mamma willed it to me. I never wanted it, so it’s just sat here unattended all these years. The city wants to condemn it, and I was gonna let them until now. I haven’t been able to come anywhere near here until you showed up. Thanks Jane for being brave for me that awful day—and today.”
“You're the one that has inspired me to put my past behind me. Until I saw you three days ago, I didn’t have the courage to put away my mourning clothes. I didn’t wanna go on with my life, but now, I think God wants us both to go forward with what He has in store for us. And I’m anxious to go home to my children,” I said with spunk.
“Has it been difficult for your children to accept the loss of their father?” she asked with caution.
“Jah, and I haven’t made it any easier for them by being so involved in my own feelings. I’ve neglected them. I need to go home and start being the mamma that God had me to be before Elijah passed on.”
The color drained from my face, and Penelope gave me a look of concern. I waved a hand at her to let her know I was going to be all right.
“That’s the first time I’ve admitted out loud that my husband passed away, and I didn’t cry. Maybe God is finally mending my broken heart!”
“It sure sounds like healthy-talk to me,” Penelope said as she patted my shoulder. “Are you sure you’re ready to go home?” she asked.
“I am ready to leave all this behind. To think that I came here looking for a reason to leave the farm, and I ended up finding every reason to go back.”
My statements surprised me, but I knew that the home that Elijah built for me with love was where I belonged, and that was where I would remain for the rest of my days.
SIX
STARTING OVER
The train pushed along the track at a high rate of speed, but even that didn’t seem to get me home as quickly as I wanted. I was eager to see my children and felt deeply homesick for the rest of my family. I wasn’t even tempted to look back; for I knew that where I was headed was home, and I intended to stay there.
My eagerness to stop at Nadine’s house first had nearly taken over, as I paced the aisle of the train. I had intended to return the ball and jacks, and the music box that I’d confiscated from her so many years before. I had so much to share with my sister, and the one-hour train ride seemed to drag on. It felt as though I’d been gone for a small eternity—when in reality, I’d only been gone for eight days.
Surprisingly, Benjamin and Nadine were at the train station waiting for me when I arrived in Elkhart. I was happy to see them, as I wasn’t looking forward to having to take a cab home, and was grateful that they’d come. Nadine had driven my father’s van, since she and Mitchell had obtained a license before we moved to Indiana. Very few of the people in the community dared to drive their buggies out that far into town for fear that it would cause an accident.
I jumped off the train and into my sister’s arms. She and her husband were a welcome sight to my eyes, where only a few short days before, I’d found it difficult to be around the loving couple. It had been too painful a reminder that I no longer had a husband, and had caused jealousy to rise up in me. Looking at her now and feeling her loving arms around me made me realize even more how foolish my thoughts had been.
“What on earth are you wearing’?” Nadine asked as she inspected my new dress.
“I bought it from a store in Kalamazoo. Isn’t it lovely?” I said as I twirled around in it.
“You left here in mourning clothes, and you come home in a store-bought dress? I’m not sure that I understand,” she said. “Although it does kinda remind me of that dress that Mam made for you on your sixteenth birthday. It isn’t exactly Amish though.”
“Never mind the dress for now,” I told her. “I have something’ that might interest you even more than my new dress.”
I pulled the ball and jacks out from my carry-on bag, and handed them to my sister.
“What’s this for,” she asked with a look of confusion on her face.
“They used to belong to you. I found ‘em in the house that we lived in before we moved here to Indiana.”
The look of confusion on her face increased.
“I met our old landlady, and she let me stay in our old house with her. Can you believe it? She pulled up the floorboard in the closet of our old bedroom. She let me have everything that was in that hole. Anyway, I put your jacks down there one day because you wouldn’t let me play with them. But now I got them out. There’s something else, too,” I said carefully as I removed the other surprise from my bag.
I opened my hand slowly, revealing the music box to her, watching her face light up.
“Oh! It’s Raggedy Ann’s music box. I kne
w you cut it out of the back of her, but I never knew where it went. Thanks Jane,” she said with enthusiasm.
“I’m so sorry I did that to you. I wouldn’t blame you if you were still mad at me for doing such a rotten thing to you. I don’t have any idea what could have come over me to do such a thing,” I said with a lump in my throat.
“I do. I didn’t like sharing with you. I remember the day you took the jacks from me. I was jealous because you played better than I did. I wouldn’t let you play with ‘em because you were so much better than me. Now, the music box is a whole other story. I knew the reason you tore it out of my doll was because mamma wouldn’t get you one of the Raggedy Ann dolls. I felt bad for you, until you did what you did—then I was just plain angry with you. We were just kids back then when I was angry, but I forgive you now. I know you didn’t really know any better. I’m glad you found the music box. Now I can put it back in her. I’d like you to take the jacks, though. I should’ve given them to you years ago. Please take them as my apology for not letting you have them when you asked me for them in the first place,” she offered, as she handed them to me.
I was shocked at her offer. She was giving me a genuine memento from our childhood. I told her I would put them on the shelf in Eva’s room. I knew that Nadine had kept the Raggedy Ann doll even after all these years and had placed it on a shelf in her bedroom. I was happy that her childhood treasure would be intact again.
Benjamin had packed away my things in the back of the van, and waited patiently for my sister and me to finish our talk at the platform of the train station. Nadine looked up and he motioned for her to come to the vehicle. We walked over arm in arm, giggling like little girls.
After Nadine drove us home, I discovered that my children had made a big dinner, and my entire family eagerly awaited my arrival. I had missed them all so much. When I entered the house, everyone welcomed me with so much fervor that it overwhelmed me just a little at first.
“Just a minute, I can only talk to one of you at a time,” I protested, feeling a little weighed down by their attention.
Eva was nearly beside herself with admiration for my new dress. They all seemed happy to see me dressed in anything other than the mourning clothes that they’d become accustomed to seeing me in. They all commented on the dress, and mamma took me aside and hugged me; a hint of tears in her eyes. I knew it did her heart good to see me showing outward signs of moving on.
After a dinner with a lot of loud conversation, I felt wiped out and in need of a hot bath. My family left me to spend the remainder of the evening alone with my children. I complimented them on the wonderful job they did at keeping the house and farm in perfect running order.
That evening, as I retired to my own bed, I sat on Elijah’s side of the bed and gave a lengthy prayer of thanks to God for letting me see my future through His eyes. I knew without a doubt that God had something wonderful in store for me, and I was to step back and allow Him to do His work. I’d never been a patient person, and I believed wholeheartedly that God was teaching me patience in a new way—one that I could easily accept.
In the morning, I awoke with my head resting on Elijah’s pillow. I felt refreshed like I hadn’t in a long while. From the window, I could hear the roosters crowing in an effort to alert the children to their hunger, and the cows were already moving along the path to the pasture, bellowing their protest.
The sun was just peeking over the span of earth that my garden lay across, bringing the plants to life with little flickers of light. A breeze blew the leaves on the trees just enough to bring a bird’s song floating up to my open window. If I listened carefully, I could catch occasional laughter from my rambunctious sons who had slipped down to the creek to splash a little in between their morning chores. My boys often did as much playing during morning chore time as they did work. They knew their parents had never prevented them from enjoying the work they did every day. To Elijah, choring was not something to be dreaded, but it was to be done with pride and enjoyment. He told his children on a regular basis that, if they weren’t having fun, they weren’t doing God’s bidding for their lives.
Suddenly, I realized that God had given me a pleasant memory of my husband. I smiled, knowing that from this day forth, I would be just fine with whatever God had for my life. The days of neglecting my children’s needs due to my own selfishness and pain were over.
I looked at my suitcases that hadn’t yet been unpacked. The thought of dealing with them overwhelmed me a bit, but I knew I had something to take care of once and for all. My mourning clothes needed to be tucked away for good, never to be used again. I pulled down the door in the upstairs hall, exposing the attic stairs. After a slight pause to regain my composure, I bravely stepped up the ladder to the attic. At the far end of the attic, near the window, sat the trunk that I hadn’t opened since Thanksgiving. I cleared the dust on the floor and sat beside the trunk, catching my breath before opening it. I didn’t enjoy the hurt that came from looking through the contents of the trunk the last time I went through it, but I was determined not to let it hurt this time. With the lid now open, I could leaf through all the memories that represented my entire married life. I placed my mourning clothes neatly on the top of the trunk, then, replaced the lid. Though I remained in place for several minutes, stuck in thought, I suddenly found myself reopening the lid. I wasn’t certain what I hoped to find—perhaps closure. I slowly lifted my wedding gown, which rested neatly on top and leafed through the contents that Elijah and I had placed in the trunk over the years. Every item in there represented my entire life with the man that I thought would be with me into old age. I felt a tear threatening to spill over and quickly asked God for a renewed strength so I wouldn’t fall apart the way I had the last time I’d perused through the mementos.
After I caught my breath, I pushed back the contents, prepared to leave them in there until I felt strong enough to reopen the past along with all its hurts. I was truly determined to get on with my life for the children’s sake. I picked up the small box containing each of the children’s first outfits, to put it back in the trunk. When I tipped the box, a foreign sound reached my ears, letting me know that there was something else in the box. I pulled back the clothing, to find a small envelope with Elijah’s writing on the front of it. Strangely enough, it was addressed to me, and dated the day Eva was born. My hand shook as I turned the envelope over to open the seal. A lump formed in my throat because inside it contained a one-page letter that my husband had written to me. I leaned against the trunk to read it, confused as to why I hadn’t discovered it until now.
My dearest Jane,
Today was such a wonderful day—one to add to the many wonderful days that we have spent together. It is late, and you have just given birth to little Eva. You are both sleeping peacefully and I find that I am unable to sleep because of the excitement of the day’s events. As I sit here watching the two of you by the dim light of the lantern, I realize that you have never looked as beautiful to me as you do at this very moment. I know I haven’t told you that very often because of the lingering rules against vanity within the Ordnung, but I must tell you that you are beautiful because you have become Amish in every way for me—because of your love for me. I know that this way of life has been difficult for you to endure at times, because it was not what you grew up with. I am honored that you endured it and stayed strong for the children and me. You have given me faithful submission as an Amish wife—even in times when you didn’t agree with the ways of the Ordnung, and for that I am truly a happy man. I love you so much and have never been happier than I am today. You have blessed me with six beautiful children and many years of love. I want you to know that your love has meant everything to me, and has made my life the best it could ever be. Some day, when I leave this world to go to my maker, I will leave knowing that my life meant something. For now, I am content to be in love with a beautiful woman and the six wonderful children she has borne to me. You will always be my little wild f
lower.
All my love,
Elijah
As I read the letter, tears of joy filled my eyes. It felt good to know that my husband died a happy man. I was surprised, however, to discover that he saw me as an Amish wife in every way. For the past year I’d felt discouraged, thinking I didn’t belong here, but his statements brought relief to my heart.
“Mam, where are you?” Eva called from the hall just below the attic stairs.
“I’m up here, baby. I’ll be right down.”
I closed the lid to the trunk after replacing the box of baby clothing neatly under my wedding gown. Then I took the letter and walked down the stairs to be greeted by a sleepy Eva. I let out a loud sigh, releasing the weight of my mourning period from my shoulders, then, closed the trap door to the attic, and the door to my mourning for Elijah.
After a hot shower, I went downstairs to prepare a nice breakfast for my hard-working children. While cooking the eggs that had come from our chickens, and the strips of ham from our pigs, I said another prayer of thanks for the many blessings that I’d taken for granted for such a long time. Everything we had, God had blessed us with and I could feel joy in my heart over them for the first time in a long time.
Little Wild Flower Book Two Page 14
