by Len Webster
“You left me! You were my father, and you left me. You didn’t even tell me. You couldn’t even have a talk with me. You didn’t even try to make me understand. One minute, I’m your daughter. The next, you go away to live in Germany. What did I do? Why did you stop loving me? Why did I grow up without you? Was I not enough for you? Was I a disappointment to you the way you are a disappointment to me? I was a little girl who loved her father, and he walked away. You let me hate you! Why did you let me hate you?”
“Josephine,” he said in a tight voice.
“What did I do? What could I have done to make you love me?”
Tears glazed over his eyes as he shook his head. “It wasn’t your fault,” he tried to assure. “It was mine. It was my fault. You are more than enough. You are an incredible daughter. I shouldn’t have left you. I didn’t think you’d understand. You were eight. You … I should have … There are no excuses for what I did to you. Disappointing you, leaving you is a regret I live with every day. I didn’t get to see you grow up. I never stopped loving you, Josephine. And I should have told you and made more of an effort, so you wouldn’t have so much hate in you.” He cupped her face and brushed her tears away. “I let you down, Josephine. It was me. I had a daughter who grew up without me, and all I ever gave her was disappointment after disappointment.”
Her tears continued. It was everything she had ever wanted to hear, but it all felt too late. As she grew up, every disappointment he inflicted on her shaped her. Josie parted her lips, but nothing came out.
Her father’s hands moved away from her face. “I’m sorry, Josephine. I will never stop being sorry for what I’ve done to you. To your mother. I’m so sorry.”
And then he hugged her.
Josie remained motionless as she let him sob on her shoulder.
Her father was sorry.
And Josie got some answers.
But it still felt too late.
It didn’t feel deserved.
And she knew why.
Her mother wasn’t there to witness this historic moment between Josie and her father.
And that was bittersweet.
“Forgiving someone is so hard,” she whispered to her mother.
The ventilator answered her first before her mother’s heartbeat.
“Dad had to go to the embassy. I’m actually kind of glad he went. It was becoming too much. He apologised, but I’m still angry and hurt, and I hate how I feel. I didn’t forgive him. I just shut down as he continued to tell me how sorry he was.” Josie sobbed as those warm familiar tears streamed down her cheeks.
She imagined what her mother would say at that moment. Your father is trying.
“Yeah,” she agreed with a sniffle. “He’s trying.”
Then her mother would probably say, You should let him try harder.
And that had her rolling her eyes. Even the imaginary thoughts she had were all her mother. But they were just her imagination. Right now, her mother’s eyes remained closed as machines kept her alive.
Kept her breathing.
Kept her with Josie for a while longer.
She glanced over and took in the pink roses Max got. Stella had a nurse find another vase, and Josie had put them in water and set them right next to her mother. She knew Emily would love them. No doubt her heart would melt, and she’d whisper how right she thought Max was for Josie.
“Max got you flowers,” she stated with such longing it pained her. “There’s so much I want to say to him. I want to tell him I hate him for hurting me. I want to thank him for loving me when he did. I want to tell him that I love him without there being repercussions.” Josie took a deep breath, ready to confess her fears to her mother. “I want to tell him I’m done hoping for guarantees because life has none. And he might hurt me again, but I could hurt him. Others could hurt us. Disappointment is a part of life, and if I’m going to live it, I have to accept that they’re a constant concept—”
A knock on the door had her halting her sentence and glancing over her shoulder to find Dr Frederickson entering the room. She gave the doctor a small smile as she released her mother’s hand and turned her body to face him.
“Good evening, Josie,” he said as he stood at the foot of her mother’s bed.
“Evenin’, Doc,” Josie greeted. The clipboard he held caught her attention and dread rolled through her.
“How are you?”
“All right,” she replied, eyes remaining on the clipboard. “Dr Frederickson, you’re holding a clipboard, and you’re normally almost finished for the day.”
Her eyes met the doctor’s, and she saw the sorrow in them.
Josie felt her heart suddenly dip. “You have them, don’t you?”
He nodded. Then he lifted the clip and removed a stack of papers. “It’s the legal form for your mother’s withdrawal of life support.”
She took a step forward and grasped the papers from him. Josie glanced down at the form, but her vision was a blur of tears and printed words. She held back the sob in her chest. Just today, she thought of plans to defer her degree so she could spend her time by her mother’s side.
But the form in her hands was proof that Josie didn’t have months with her mother.
She didn’t have weeks.
She had days.
“Dr Frederickson,” she said in a painful whisper.
“Yes, Josie?”
“I’m so scared.” She lifted her eyes off the paper and focused on the doctor. The sympathy on his face only hurt her more. “I’m so scared to do this.”
“It’s okay to be scared,” he consoled.
Josie shook her head, letting her tears fall. “I’m so scared I will never forgive myself for killing my mother.”
Pain flashed on the doctor’s face. His arms were quickly around her, and Josie sobbed into his chest. “You’re not killing your mother, Josie. It’s not an easy decision to make. You’ll be ending her suffering.” Then he pulled back and offered her a smile full of support and empathy. “Take a few days to carefully read over the form. Then when you’re sure of your decision, sign it or don’t sign it. It’s your call, Josie. If you need me to clarify anything on that form, please find me.”
“Thank you,” she said as her fingers tightened their hold on the paper that would end her mother’s life.
“I’ll see you tomorrow, Josie.” He bid her farewell before he left the room.
Josie blinked back her tears as she glanced back down at the legal form. She flipped through the pages, and she couldn’t even comprehend the words that formed sentences and the sentences that formed paragraphs.
It didn’t make sense to her.
It seemed ceasing her mother’s suffering was a legal headache.
But as the doctor had said, it was a decision she couldn’t take lightly.
She had to know what she was signing.
What she would put her mother through.
What she would have to live through.
Swallowing hard, she knew who she had to turn to in order to ensure that her conscience would be free of any negligence. Her feet had understood her intentions as they took her to the door. She had inhaled deeply, grasped the door, and yanked it open.
She froze when an empty hallway greeted her.
Max was gone.
She looked right.
Then left.
Not one single person was in the hallway.
Spinning around, she rushed back into her mother’s room and picked up her handbag from the floor. She rummaged through it until she found her phone in the bottom of her bag. Unlocking her phone, she realised that she had left it on “Do Not Disturb” mode and wasn’t alerted to any of the calls or text messages she had received. The pain and anxiousness she felt when she discovered that Max was gone was eased when she saw his message.
Max: Visiting hours were over so I had to leave. I’m a call away if you need me. I love you, Josie. I love you. I love you. I love you. Even if you don’t believe me, I’ll still lov
e you.
Remorse filled her.
She had thought the very worst when she stepped into that hallway.
She thought he had left her and taken away his support.
But that one text was all she needed as she exited her messages and called the one person she knew would help her right now.
The phone rang three times then it was answered.
“Hey, Josie!” Ally greeted.
“Ally, I’m sorry to call, but this is important. I need to know Max’s address.”
Her boss was silent for a moment. Then she asked, “You know he loves you, right?”
“I do.”
“And you love him?”
“Very much,” she confirmed. “But right now, this call isn’t about me and him. It’s important I see him.”
“I know Max did a horrible thing by leaving, but some people have done far worse. And unlike them, Max came back for you. I know you’ll both figure it out,” Ally said.
Josie ignored the hope in her chest at Ally’s belief.
“Robbie, where does Max live?”
Josie could hear Rob’s voice in the background, but she couldn’t make out what he was saying.
“Josie?”
“Yeah?”
“Max lives on the thirty-third floor of the Maverick’s Tower on Lorimer Street on the Docklands,” Ally informed.
Josie nodded and clutched the legal form tighter. “Thanks, Ally. I really appreciate it.” She said goodbye and hung up the phone.
His plans to go back to the hospital were put on hold for several reasons:
His conversation with his best friend continued longer than Max anticipated.
It was getting late, and he had no idea how he was going to bypass the nurses and security at the hospital.
He had showered.
He was starving.
Max decided to give Josie her space for the night and return tomorrow. He didn’t want her to feel as if he were suffocating her. Max was sure he confused her and made her uncomfortable when he walked with her from the gift shop. He stressed that he didn’t want to take advantage of her heart right now. Josie already had enough on her mind without him adding to her pain.
He had already hurt her by walking away.
Max was determined to prove he couldn’t move on from her. That he made one mistake thinking he was doing what was best for his best friends, but he wouldn’t make another. Max combed his still wet hair back and headed over to the fridge. When he reached it, he pulled the door open and glanced at what he could make for dinner. He didn’t have many options, and none of them looked particularly appealing right now. A knock echoed from his front door, and Max closed his fridge.
His brows furrowed as he made his way to the front door. He wasn’t expecting anyone, and all his friends would normally text to see if he was home. Upon reaching the end of the hall, he didn’t bother to look through the peephole and just opened the door.
Max flinched at the sight of Josie on his doorstep.
“Josephine,” he breathed.
Tears brightened her blue eyes as her bottom lip trembled. “I’m so sorry to just show up, but I didn’t know who I could talk to, and Ally gave me your address.”
He glanced down to find her clutching something. Then he lifted his gaze and watched as tears spilled down her cheeks.
Max knew it was bad.
And his heart bled for her.
Reaching out, he wrapped his hand around her wrist and pulled her into his apartment. As much as he wanted to hold her and kiss her and whisper that it would be okay, he wasn’t in the position to be that guy in her life. That was what she said, and he had to respect her—even if he completely disagreed with her.
Max released her wrist as he locked the door and led her down the hall and further into his apartment. Any other day, he’d give her a tour if she wanted. Right now, however, he needed her on the couch so they could talk.
Once they made it to the lounge room, she turned and faced him. Her lips parted slowly, entrancing him like they always did. He knew the feel of them as they kissed his lips and his skin.
Suddenly, memories of them being intimate had him clearing his throat.
It was not the time to think of the last time he made love to her.
The last time he felt like he was home.
The bliss they found before he destroyed it all in an inferno that still hadn’t been contained.
“Is everything okay?” he asked, almost afraid to know.
Josie’s chest heaved as she shook her head. “God, what am I doing?” She rapidly blinked at him as if enlightenment had hit her across the face.
He sensed she would flee.
He saw the desperate need to run flash in her eyes.
And all he could do was set his hands on her arms and hold her in place. Caging her in. Claiming her at that moment. Proving to her that she had his support.
“I’m still that guy who stood on that bridge with you, Josephine. I made a mistake, but that’s never going to stop me from being here for you. Even if you’ve fallen out of love with me. Even if you never want to love me again. I’m here for you. So I have to ask, are you okay?”
Her lip trembled as her chest heaved. Then she lowered her face into her palms and sobbed.
This time, he couldn’t help himself.
He loved her and wanted to take her pain away.
Max pulled her to his chest and wrapped his arms around her.
She shook uncontrollably.
Just like she had when he told her he was leaving with Andrea.
That was on Sunday.
It was now Thursday.
And it felt like a lifetime had passed them.
But right now, he took advantage of her vulnerability and held her.
Max closed his eyes and pressed his face into her hair, holding her as if this was the moment she came back to him.
Had it been minutes?
Hours?
Max had no idea.
But his apartment was dark and the sun had set.
Josie was still in his arms.
Her tears had ceased a while ago, but she stayed put and wrapped her arms around him.
The rightness of her in his arms almost had him whispering how much he loved her. But he didn’t. She didn’t need to hear it right now. He had said it enough for her to know.
“Max,” she finally said into his chest. Josie pulled away and tilted her chin back to look at him.
“Yeah, Josephine?”
Her arms untangled from around him and they fell to her sides. “I need you to recommend me a lawyer.”
He winced. “Josephine, I’m a lawyer.”
She nodded, agreeing with him. “I know, but I told myself a long time that I wouldn’t use you so selfishly, and I’ve been lying to myself. I have used you selfishly, Max. And right now, this isn’t about you and me. This is about my mother.”
“I’ll be your lawyer.”
“No, Max—”
“Let me be your lawyer, Josephine,” he begged.
She let out a sigh. “Fine. I need legal advice, and I’ll pay you what you charge an hour.”
“That’s not happening.”
“It’s happening,” she retorted.
Knowing he was probably smothering her, he reached out and cupped her face. Max felt her flinch against his palms. “I love you,” he whispered. “Let me support you and help you, Josephine. I’ll do anything and everything. Let me be your lawyer. Please, let me be your lawyer.”
“Okay,” she answered in a small voice.
Her lips were there.
Right there.
He could lean forward and press his to hers.
He could pull her body to his and feel her heartbeats against his chest once more.
He could hold her and have her in a stolen moment.
Then Josie glanced down, and his eyes followed to land on the pieces of paper she held.
Her mother.
Max knew what it
was.
It was the only reason she’d need legal advice.
Unless it involved Josie’s father, whom Max didn’t completely trust.
“Is it a petition to fight your power of attorney? Because trust me, Josephine, I will fight an Australian Ambassador if I have to.”
He gazed up to see an amused smile on her face. But as quickly as it coerced her lips, it faded away. “No. My dad wouldn’t fight my authority over my mother’s decisions. I appreciate you saying that you would, though. My father is a lot of things, but he would never go against my mother’s wishes. She gave me power of attorney for a reason. And that is …” Josie trailed off as she glanced away and stepped away from Max’s hold. Then she held out the papers to him as she said, “That is to make decisions in her best interests. Her doctor gave it to me this evening. I ran out to find you because you’re the only person I thought of at that moment. These forms require my permission to withdraw my mother’s life support.”
Max held the papers properly and saw that they were, in fact, the End of Life legal forms the hospital required in order to disconnect a patient’s life support. His heart broke and ached for Josie.
When he looked back at her, he saw the tiredness in her eyes. It was such a heavy decision for her to make. For Max, he couldn’t comprehend making it if he were in her position and understood why she struggled.
“You’re considering it?” he asked.
Her face contorted as fresh tears glazed her eyes. Then it seemed as if she had given up and her taut features loosened and those tears fell. “Yes,” she whimpered.
Max set the form down on the coffee table and returned to her. He reached for her hand, and she let him take it. Then he walked her over to the leather couch, and they sat down on it. Max wrapped an arm around her back and pulled Josie close to the side of his body as she sobbed.
“I’m a monster,” she cried. “I’m such a monster.”
His other arm wrapped around her as he gently rocked her. “You’re not, Josephine. You could never be a monster.”
“I sign those papers, and I lose my mother. I can’t stand the idea that she could hate me for this. That she’ll never forgive me for ending her life.”
Max dipped his chin and looked down at her. “Your mother could never hate you,” he said softly. “She’d understand, Josephine.”
