Leaving

by Audrey Holland

  She was a widow with three children and lived in a small, tidy little house. At least it was tidy until we moved in. I always felt bad about going there. It was obviously an inconvenience to her but Brad would not think of staying anywhere else.

  Tammie had asked Brad to be the best man for her wedding. Shortly after we arrived, her groom, Ronald, showed up and asked Brad to come help with the preparations. They left and Brad didn’t come back until late that night.

  I had sat up waiting for him. I had a strange uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach. When he came in, I went to him for a kiss. At that point in our marriage, we always kissed after we had been apart, even for a short time, no matter who was present. But this time he just stepped around me and went into the living room to talk to his sister. He didn’t even say hello to me!

  Hell, he didn’t even look at me. I was shocked and hurt.

  To cover my pain and confusion, I went down to the basement and checked on the boys sleeping there. They were fine and after stalling for about fifteen minutes, I went back upstairs. Brad was taking a shower and Susan had gone to bed.

  I got ready for bed and laid there waiting for him. He came in, climbed into bed and turned his back on me. He didn’t say a word.

  “Aren’t you even going to kiss me goodnight?” I asked in a scared little voice.

  “What for?” he asked back without even lifting his head.

  I didn’t say another thing, just rolled over and pretended to go to sleep. He was snoring within minutes, but I lay there feeling scared and sick. I knew that something was wrong, and I guess even then I knew what it was, but I couldn’t let my imagination run loose. I just couldn’t face it.

  The next morning, I got up to take care of the boys. I had them fed and dressed and was helping Susan clean the kitchen when he got up. I didn’t turn around or speak to him at all. Usually when I was mad, he would come up behind me and kiss me on the back of the neck. He came into the kitchen and Susan gave him a cup of coffee. He sat at the table talking to his sister, totally ignoring me. I was stacking the dishes in the dishwasher right in front of him, but he didn’t even acknowledge my presence.

  He was talking to Susan about Ronald’s sister, Mona. She was the maid of honour for the wedding. She had just left a monastery, where she had been training to be a nun but changed her mind. His tone of voice and the way he was talking made me feel even sicker. He was telling his sister how gorgeous Mona was. She was so smart and funny, she had kept him laughing all night. He sounded excited and laughed loudly as they talked.

  I remembered thinking, Oh no, please no, Brad don’t do this to me! Don’t do this to us! I was so hurt that I couldn’t speak. I just turned and, without looking at him, walked out of the kitchen. I stayed downstairs with the boys until I heard him leave. It was the same scenario every day after that – Ronald would come and pick him up and he would be gone until late at night. When he came home, Ronald did not come into the house and I was sure the car sounded different. Ronald drove a big diesel truck and I was sure it was a smaller car that drove Brad home each night.

  He never kissed me or tried to make love to me. I wasn’t sure I wanted him to right now, but I sure wanted him to try. Just so I could cry and beg him to stop cheating. But he mostly ignored me, only talking to me when he absolutely had to.

  Every night, he showered as soon as he came in the door. Once he had walked close to me on his way to the bathroom and I could smell another woman on him. I knew what was going on but was at a complete loss as to what to do about it. He refused to talk to me and pretended like I wasn’t there. He barely even spoke to his sons, mostly just to yell at them to shut up and go downstairs.

  I tried to just carry on like everything was fine, but several times when I came into the room, his sisters quit talking and I noticed his mother watching me with tears in her eyes. But when I asked if something was wrong, she just shook her head. His sister would only talk about kids, her garden and the weather. When I asked her about Mona she turned and walked away.

  I was sure they all knew he was cheating with Mona and, by their silence, I came to the conclusion that his family saw nothing wrong with his behaviour. It wasn’t long before I started to doubt myself. Maybe it was my own fault. Maybe if I had lost that extra weight he wouldn’t be doing this. I was ten pounds heavier than when he married me, and Mona was so slim. Mona was funny, I was boring. Mona was obviously giving him sexual gratification, I was old news. The day before the wedding, he stopped on his way out the door. He looked at me like I was a stranger. “Don’t bother coming to the wedding,” he said coldly. “It’s for immediate family only.”

  “What do you mean? I am immediate family,” I replied.

  “No, you’re not.” He sneered at me. “Tammie only wants her family and Ronald’s family there,” he said nastily.

  I turned away, sick to my stomach as he turned, laughing, out the door to leave with Ronald yet again.

  The next day, when his sister and mother were almost ready to leave for the wedding, Susan said, “Why aren’t you getting ready? We have to leave in fifteen minutes.”

  I knew then that what Brad had told me was a lie. I quickly changed and dressed the boys. We made it out the door just a couple of minutes late. The wedding was in the Catholic Church but only a few blocks away from Susan’s house. Susan drove her car with her mother in the front and her three children in the back. I followed in the van with my boys. We parked and all went into the church together. I was carrying Sam and Jesse was running around with Susan’s son. When we were in the foyer, there was a crowd waiting to be seated so we stood waiting for our turn. I knew looking around that very few of these people were immediate family.

  Just then Jesse called, “Daddy!” and took off running towards a door at the back of the foyer. I went after him, but couldn’t catch up to him until he stopped in the doorway. His eyes were huge as he stared at something in the room.

  I came up behind him and looked over his shoulder. It appeared to be a storage room, as there were chairs and things stacked around. I turned my head to the left when I heard a low noise and that was when I saw them. Brad and Mona were wrapped in each other’s arms, kissing passionately. Mona had her leg wrapped around him and was rubbing it up and down the back of his thigh. He was thrusting his pelvis against her and his hand was gripping her butt under her skirt. The only thing preventing them from having sex right there was their clothes. I heard Mona moan again and I grabbed Jesse and fled into the church and sat down. The ceremony was a blur. I concentrated on keeping the boys quiet and maintaining my composure. I didn’t want to make a scene at Tammie’s wedding, that wouldn’t be fair to her.

  When the ceremony was over, Brad left with the bridal party and I went back to Susan’s. Brad never once acknowledged me or the boys.

  Susan’s oldest daughter was babysitting that night so Susan and I could go to the reception. I could not get the image of my husband and Mona out of my mind. I knew without a doubt that he was cheating and had been for several days. I wondered if I could stop it or if it was too late. I went to the reception with Susan and Brad’s mom in Susan’s car. It was at a hall about twelve blocks from her house. It was freezing again and the rain changed back to snow shortly after darkness fell. The roads were very slippery and we made slow progress. When we arrived at the hall, I went looking for my husband. I wasn’t sure what I was going to do, but I knew this had to end. One way or the other.

  I heard Brad’s laughter down the stairs so I went down and through a doorway. He was dancing with Mona, and they were gyrating in a very provocative manner. He was looking at Mona, obviously, at least to me, very turned on. Mona was smiling seductively back at him as she thrust her hips against him. He slid his hand down over her buttocks and was sliding his finger in between her butt cheeks when I walked up to them and grabbed his arm. Mona shrieked and ran behind some people standing nearby. Brad watched her go and then turned on me. He angrily pushed me back until we were out of ea
rshot of the rest of the people. He looked down at me with an expression of utter loathing.

  He leaned down until he was no more than a couple of inches from my face. “I don’t want to dance with you,” he whispered scornfully.

  Then he callously peeled my hand off his arm, not caring if he hurt my fingers or not. He turned his back and walked into another room. I stood there in shock. I was unable to speak or scream or cry. I felt as though I had swallowed a huge ice cube and it was stuck halfway down. When I had grabbed his arm, I had felt the sweat that covered him. It ran through my mind, how strange, they aren’t dancing that fast. But he is sweating just like when we had just had vigorous sex. And the smell, it was in his hair, on his breath—especially on his breath! On his hands and his shirt, too. It took me a few seconds to process it. Oh, my God, I screamed in my mind. It’s the smell of a woman’s cunt!

  The huge block of ice was blocking my throat and making it hard to breath. All I could think of was getting out of there. I needed some fresh air or I was going to faint. And I needed to get away from them both. I no longer cared about stopping him; I just had to get away. I turned and made my way shakily up the stairs. Thankfully there was no one up there. I could hear voices in a room off to the side. It was Brad’s mom and sisters. I quietly retrieved my jacket and handbag and walked out the door. I thought for sure Brad would come after me to apologize, but he didn’t.

  I made my way down the slippery driveway and onto the street. It was horrendous walking in the snow with ice in my high heels, but there was no way I was going back. I struggled on, falling and getting back up and stumbling on. Before I had gone a block, I was soaked to the skin and the heel on one shoe was loose. My jacket didn’t help, either. It was more suited to mild coastal springs than this. I stopped and took a deep breath. If you don’t get hold of yourself, you’re going to fall down and break something, I admonished myself. When I was still a couple blocks from Susan’s, my heel fell off completely. I tried walking with just one shoe on but gave that up in a hurry. I sighed and slipped my one remaining shoe off and threw them both into the street and walked on in my stockings. My feet couldn’t get any colder or wetter. When I finally reached Susan’s, I let myself in the back door. Susan’s daughter, Kim, looked at me in shock as I came in, soaking wet, half-frozen and barefoot. I just smiled sadly at her and walked into the room I had shared with Brad. I stripped off all my clothes and dressed in jeans, sweater and thick woollen socks. I then bundled up all my wet clothes and took them to the kitchen where I threw them all in the garbage can. I stopped for a minute, then threw my wedding rings in with them. I was so numb with pain that I didn’t even feel cold. The boys were asleep so I just quietly gathered up their things and packed them out to the van. Next, I returned to our room and dumped all Brad’s things out of the suitcase and repacked it with just mine. I stopped and then went to his side of the bed and pulled out the money he had hidden there. I didn’t stop to count it. I just shoved it in my jean’s pocket. Once I had all my and the boy’s things in the van, I went back and packed the boys out, one by one, still wrapped in their sleeping bags.

  Kim stood in the kitchen watching me. She looked ready to cry. I was ever so glad that there was no phone at the hall; Kim would have phoned her mom or uncle for sure. I looked back at her as I walked out with Sam in my arms. “Goodbye, Kim,” was all I said. I got in the van and headed for home.

  HOME

  I came back to the present with a start. Sam sat beside me, looking at me in a bewildered manner.

  “Mommy?” he said. “Why you crying? You got an owwy?” Tears trickled from his eyes. I sniffed and blinked rapidly. “Yes, but it’s okay. Mommy is fine.” I smiled reassuringly at him. “I guess it’s time to get up, huh?”

  “Yes, I hungry.”

  I smiled at him and climbed out of my sleeping bag. After changing Sam’s diaper, I shook Jesse by the shoulder. “Come on, sleepy head, time to get up.”

  He rolled over and looked at me with sleepy eyes. “Okay, Mommy.”

  I took him out behind some bushes to relieve himself. He thought peeing on bushes was the greatest and I wondered how I was ever going to get him to use a toilet again. After I had returned Jesse to the van, I went back behind the bush to relieve myself. When I returned to the van, Jesse had already pulled out the food left over from the day before and they were helping themselves. I took a deep breath to scold them and then stopped. What was I doing? They are going to need to become more independent now. I would have to stop being a full time mom. I would have to go back to work to support them. I felt sad about that. I loved my boys and had spent their whole lives protecting them. Now I realized that I had been mainly protecting them from their father. I vowed that they would never be subjected to his cruelty again, whatever it took.

  I declined the somewhat mashed piece of bread Jesse offered me. I hadn’t been able to eat anything now for two days. I picked up a bottle of water and climbed into the driver’s seat. It would have to do until I found somewhere to get a cup of coffee. I headed out again, north to Edmonton and then west towards Jasper. I drove all day only stopping long enough to change Sam and for Jesse to pee on another bush when we could find one. We picked up more food to eat and diapers along the way. I didn’t want to take them into a restaurant; none of us had bathed in a couple of days.

  I reached Jasper late in the afternoon. I was exhausted and starting to finally feel a little hunger. There was a sign for a campground that had just opened for the season. I pulled off the highway and followed the signs. It was perfect. There were lots of trees around each camp site and a central bathroom with showers.

  I took a site close to the bathroom and the very first thing we did was hit the shower. We had the place to ourselves. I helped them out of their clothes and then stripped and joined them in the wonderful warm water. The place was real clean and there didn’t seem to be any end to the hot water. We all washed our hair and then they played at my feet while I stood under the spray and let it wash away all the remaining bits of pain.

  After we were dressed again and for the first time feeling clean, I took them into town and to a restaurant for a proper meal. We each ordered a burger and fries and coke—Jesse’s favourite meal. Sam picked at his; he wasn’t a big eater and left almost as much on his plate as I did. I found that I still had to force myself to swallow anything and soon gave up. The waitress came back and was concerned that something was wrong with my burger. I reassured her that it was fine, I just wasn’t very hungry.

  We returned to camp and I let the boys play for a while as darkness fell. When I put them to bed, I laid down beside them until they were asleep, then I got up again and went outside to sit at the picnic table. I sat there for hours, staring into the dark, wondering what the future held, knowing that there was no going back.

  It was after midnight when I finally crawled, shivering, into my sleeping bag. I woke to the sun streaming in my eyes. My God, I thought, I actually slept! I rolled over. Both boys were still sleeping.

  I slipped quietly out of the van and paid a last visit to the shower. It felt so good to be clean and to brush my teeth! After I combed my long chestnut hair and pulled it back into my customary ponytail, I returned to the van to get the boys up. After my short sleep, I felt revived and wanted to get going. We could make it to North Van today if I really pushed it. I did push it—the stops were less frequent and only when Jesse threatened to pee his pants. I made them eat while I drove and didn’t stop to let them out to run for an hour. By the time we reached North Vancouver, both boys were fussing and in a foul mood. I was exhausted, my eyes ached and my head was splitting. I felt a moment of panic when I approached the driveway of our one story rental. What if he’s here? I slowed and crept up the last half block. There was no sign of life in the house. Everything looked just as I had left it. Was it only last week? It felt like a lifetime ago.

  I pulled into the driveway and pressed the garage door opener. I watched carefully as the door slow
ly opened. No one appeared, so I drove inside and closed and locked the door before I let the boys out.

  I left them in the garage and checked out the whole house. We were alone. The boys ran into the house and started running around, overjoyed to be home. I made sure none of the lights were turned on in the front of the house and pulled all the blinds. I quickly threw supper together and, while the boys ate, I gathered boxes from the garage and started to pack. Jesse watched me for a couple of minutes and then started to cry.

  “What’s the matter, Jesse? Don’t you want your supper?” I asked gently, pulling him into my arms.

  “Are you going away, Mommy?” he asked fearfully.

  “Not without you two,” I answered as I kissed his hair.

  “Are we leaving? What about Daddy? Will he know where we are?”

  I thought for a minute. Then I turned my little son’s face to mine. “Daddy has found another lady that he likes more than me. I am leaving him and taking you two with me. I really don’t know if we will ever see him again.”

  Jesse looked sad and started to sniffle. I cast a look around for something to distract him. I needed to get everything sorted and packed tonight so we could get out of here the next morning.

  “Jesse, it’s time for your favourite show. Why don’t you go and turn on the TV?”

  He gave me a look that made it plain he knew exactly what I was doing, but obligingly jumped down and ran over to turn on the TV in the family room. Thankfully, like the kitchen, it was at the back of the house.

  I had sorted through the boy’s room and the kitchen by their bedtime. I tucked them in, thinking, This is the last time I will do this in this house. And I’m glad of that. I turned back to the task at hand. I went through the rest of the house, sorting and resorting, cutting everything back to as little as possible. I wouldn’t be able to return for anything. Finally, I was satisfied. It was really a pathetic little pile, but it held everything that I wanted from this marriage. I looked around at the house. I had turned every room upside down in my haste. It was a disaster and I automatically started to tidy it up and then stopped. Why should I? I asked myself. Do I care anymore?