by Jayne Rylon
The heat and weight of another human being against his body instantly soothed him. Somewhat. If they stood there too much longer, though, it might rile him instead. Her wandering hands, which skimmed the top of his ass, and the way she rubbed against the full length of him, made him think she might not object to taking their comforting caresses to the next level. Briefly, he imagined lifting her so she could wrap her legs around his hips, shoving down their jeans just far enough to fit his cock into her pussy, and nailing her against the wall until neither of them could feel anything except pleasure.
It would serve Ben right to walk in on them finally hooking up. Let him believe Ryan wasn’t devastated by the enormous fireball things between them had ended in.
Shit, maybe the other guy wouldn’t give a damn, other than having to explain what was going on to Julie.
For that reason alone—okay, and because Ryan suspected Shari would knee him in the balls for using her so crudely—he’d never act on the revenge-fuck fantasies that zapped through the primitive portion of his brain.
“I’m sorry,” he mumbled against the softness of her hair, which smelled like something sweet. Strawberries. He thought of a thousand recipes he could whip up with the fresh fruit, though none would be as delectable as her. “Shit, seriously. I’m so sorry. For everything. I just want you to know that even if you hadn’t shown up here today, right when I needed you the most, I was coming for you. Okay?”
Shari sighed. She nodded and melted into his embrace. She rubbed his back in languid circles, then whispered, “I won’t ask if you’re okay. I’m not that dumb.”
“It’s been a long time coming,” he admitted.
“Doesn’t mean it hurts any less.” She hugged him tight. “I’m sorry too, Ryan. It was never my intention to make you choose between us.”
“That’s not what happened.” He separated them enough so that she could read the truth in his stare. Of course, that meant she could see the shredded bits of his soul practically seeping from his pores.
Who cared? Ryan vowed never to hide his emotions from her again.
Look where that had landed them.
“So tell me what did?” She ran her hands down his arms, then linked their fingers. Walking backward, she tugged him with her until they reached the bed. He gladly went where she led.
Together they sank, side-by-side, onto the edge of the mattress.
After months of keeping everything inside, she made it easy to say the stuff he’d been worrying about, over and over, without changing any of it. The time for progress was now. “I guess it’s more that I realized Ben’s never going to take what I’m trying to give him. You can only put yourself out there like that for so long before it’s too tiring to keep it up.”
That sounded like a reference to dick drama, and that was not what he meant at all. No Viagra needed here, thanks. He glared at his already half-stiff cock, which had been stuck in a near-perpetual boner for the past six months. Being near Shari did that to him, had from the first time he’d met her, in a fucking hospital room crammed full of cops, friends, and even his little sister. Shit.
“Uh, yeah. I totally get that.” She frowned.
Fuck, of course she did. She didn’t have it in her to artfully conceal the attraction she had to Ben—what living, breathing woman, or man, wouldn’t find him irresistible?—and, he thought, to him too. “I’ve been fucking this all up, Shari. I’m trying to make it right. It’s just…really hard for me. Goes against the grain, you know?”
“You mean because you like to let your partners take initiative?” she asked. The sincere curiosity in her almond eyes softened the question, made him less defensive.
“That’s the nicest way anyone’s ever said it.” He grinned. “Yeah, that’s what I mean. Because I’m not a typical guy.”
“Hey, what’s that bullshit?” She puffed up, propping one hand on her hip. Adorable, even when pissed. “Since when is there some standard way to be for a person of any gender? Don’t be stupid. You are how you are…and I like who you are, Ryan. A hell of a lot.”
It’d been nearly forever since he’d felt this good about himself, sure of his appeal. He’d forgotten how it encouraged him. Damn, things had gotten worse than he’d realized. It was time he reclaimed his self-confidence.
As fucked up as it was, when he’d been part of Morselli’s stable of fuck boys, he’d known precisely how often he was requested to service his abusers. The fact that they hadn’t killed him—or worse—meant he’d been pretty terrific at it, too. But when it came to the outside, the only guy he’d been interested in since then had seemed unaffected for so long…
It was like getting his superpowers back.
“I want to help,” Shari said, snuggling close to his side. “I just don’t know how to do it best. There are some deep issues in play here and I’m no relationship expert. I mean, I’ve never even had a real boyfriend before. Would you consider talking to Lily and Jeremy about how you’re feeling, or is that too weird considering…?”
Considering how he’d knelt at Mistress Lily’s feet? How they were friends in the real world now, instead of some elaborate fantasyland? Or how Lily and Jeremy were open yet still human, with the same jealous tendencies as any couple even if they were better at stifling them?
“Yeah, it’s kind of uncomfortable.” He shrugged. No sense in lying. “I try to think of her as plain old Lily, now that she’s married to JRad. In my mind…the other stuff…that was a different person. Mistress Lily. It’s stupid, I know. But keeps me from popping a stiffy in the middle of a family BBQ. I’d never want to come between them. It’s probably more my discomfort than theirs, but I don’t think I can do that.”
“Hey, I understand. I’m happy to listen even if I’m not qualified.” Shari smiled up at him without a hint of judgment.
How could she be so perfect?
She reached out, her soft hand covering his as her thumb caressed his knuckles.
He sighed.
“You know, if it’s about more than talking that’s the problem, Lily could at least recommend someone who tops. I’m sure Jeremy would understand if you went to her in that capacity. He gets it. That bond she has with her slaves. What it does for the men who submit and trust her. We all do…”
“Nah.” Ryan shook his head. “It doesn’t feel right anymore. I did go to Gunther’s Playground a couple times since we came home, when I needed to blow off some steam, but…uh…”
He cleared his throat as he recalled the club where Lily worked, run by her husband’s mentor. It should have been perfect for him. It wasn’t.
“Something’s missing?” she speculated.
Ryan nodded, his lips pressed into a thin line. “It’s too clinical. Impersonal. Again, I think because I’m different, not because they are. I couldn’t connect like I used to.”
In his mind he added, because I’m already interested in someone…someones…else.
He’d felt like he was cheating. Disgusted, he’d sworn off returning.
Unless it was with Ben, or Shari in tow. Hopefully both.
“It must be frustrating to have that outlet stolen from you.” Shari’s brows drew together, causing fine lines to appear there.
Without thinking, he leaned in and kissed them away. “Thanks, but I can handle it. I’ll figure this out.”
Could he, though? Today had demonstrated he was closer to the edge of disaster than he’d realized.
The way she looked at him, with that oh-really stare, proved she saw right through his reflexive bravado. Damn.
She simultaneously freaked him out and turned him on. How could she be so intuitive and so attuned to him already? They’d never been anything but platonic in the months they’d hung out together. Maybe she had what it took to top and she didn’t even know it.
If she started talking to Lily, who knew what might happen…
He shifted beside her, rearranging his package and glancing away for a moment to get himself under control.
/> Out the window, he watched Ben clamber up to the fort they’d built Julie in the elm tree, making the entire trunk bend and sway somewhat precariously. He hoped she was okay, and that their fight hadn’t scared her too bad. Almost certainly, she’d have nightmares tonight.
He wouldn’t be there to chase them away for her.
Ben would have to be enough. He was her real uncle anyway. Ryan had only been blessed enough to play the part for a little while. He rubbed his chest, but it didn’t diminish the ache there.
When it came to Julie, there was no doubt Ben would get the job done. He’d given up everything for her, including part of his own sanity. It had been easier for Ryan to submit to the sex-drug addicts who’d stolen both Julie and her mother, April. Ryan’s own sister, Ellie, too.
Ben had never been with a man before then. Never been told what to do in bed. And certainly had never liked either, though Ryan knew—for sure—that had changed.
Was that part of why they were struggling now?
Could Ben ever separate his new desires from the place they’d been born?
It seemed like the answer to that was a big fat fucking no.
“Can I ask you one thing? Something really personal?” Shari drew his attention back to her. She was picking at the comforter and tapping her foot. “This might not be the right time, but I have to know...”
Ryan couldn’t help himself. He hated seeing her so apprehensive. He reached down and cupped her jaw in his trembling hand and lifted her face to his. “You never have to wonder that again. Anything you want to know about me, I’ll tell you. You have a right to ask me anything because I don’t intend to keep playing stupid games. Everything is on the table from this moment on. Okay?”
She blinked at him once, then again, before a gorgeous smile blossomed on her face. For once he’d managed to do something right by her. He planned to keep that streak going.
Shari nodded, then came right out with it. “Can you be attracted to a woman? Only a woman? Like, romantically? Is that something separate from your ability to submit? I know you were with Lily in a group situation, with Ben…and whoever else in that hellhole…”
“Quit worrying. That’s an easy question.” He smiled right back, equally intense, long ago having accepted this part of his nature. “I’m bi, Shari. Technically, probably pansexual. Whatever you want to call it is fine. I like men. I like women. I like androgynous people. Transgender or cisgender folks, too. Anybody who is capable of a consensual relationship, really, has the potential to turn me on. For me, it’s more about who the person is than what equipment they’re packing. When I take someone to bed, I love them for who they are.”
“Oh.” She swallowed so hard her delicate throat flexed. “That’s really beautiful, Ryan.”
“In case I haven’t been obvious enough these past months, I’m extremely attracted to you. Have been ever since the moment you stepped into Izzy’s hospital room. I sensed your loneliness, along with all that fire you tried to hide behind your shyness. No, it was more than that. Like you were afraid no one could see it burning in you as you stuck to the perimeter of the room, never interrupting or talking over anyone in the chaos, hoping you’d found a group you could belong to. Well, I did notice, Shari. In that way, I think we’re kind of alike. I get you.” He went with his gut, choosing then as the moment to steal his first kiss with her.
5
Ryan leaned in until their lips brushed ever-so-slightly. He stared into her eyes, giving her the final call. She pressed forward. Their mouths grazed over each other in the most affectionate kiss he’d ever received. It was part flames, sure. Sparks heated the parts of him that had seemed frozen for ages. More than that, it was comfort. Reassurance. Acceptance. A soft, snuggly blanket.
With potential for so much more.
Though he could have kissed her for as long as it took to age some excellent whiskey, he decided instead that it was better not to get lost until they’d wrapped up business here. So he settled for a tiny appetizer compared to the banquet he was sure was to come.
Shari hummed as they drifted apart. Her unfocused eyes did a lot to boost his ego after months of rejection.
“To be perfectly clear,” he whispered. “The reason I haven’t acted on what I felt wasn’t because I needed a guy in the equation to get off, or in order to feel totally satisfied. I didn’t hold out this long because I preferred Ben to you. It’s more that I was aiming too high. Thinking of how good it could be with the three of us together. For each of us. If he doesn’t get that by now, he’s an idiot. I’m tired of going without while I try to show him what he could have if he was bold enough to take it.”
“I know this is where we’ve all been heading. I’ve spent a lot of nights with my vibrator thinking about it—”
“Shari.” He couldn’t do more than rasp her name. The vision went straight to his cock.
“But…”
“No buts. Go back to the part about you and your toys.”
She laughed, slapping his abs with the back of her hand. At least it broke the tension. “I guess I’m trying to say that I don’t know if I’m the right woman for you. Solo, I mean. I want to be. Yesterday we were trying to pretend like there was nothing here, and suddenly today it’s all real. There’s a chance to have everything I’ve hoped for, and it’s overwhelming. I just don’t know if I have it in me to be the person you need. Or maybe that’s who I could become with you. For you. It’s one thing to think about, but…”
“Hey, I only want you to be yourself.” He tried to reassure her. “Because that woman is pretty damn amazing. Shari?”
Ryan gathered as much courage as he could muster.
“Yeah?” she peered up at him, her eyes wide and innocent.
“How about we forget all the complicated shit? I won’t lie. This shit with Ben fucked me up. You’re right. It doesn’t seem real. It hasn’t sunk in yet that it’s actually over. That I’m moving out and he won’t be there in my life every day anymore.” As quick as that, the knots in his guts retied themselves.
“Of course.” She hugged him, laying her head on his shoulder this time as she peered up at him.
“Can we start simple? With a date?” Ryan smiled as best he could. He didn’t recall it having ever been this nerve-wracking to ask someone out—for dinner or more—before. “I know for sure I can satisfy you in the kitchen. So take me home with you. Let me make you a fancy dinner tonight.”
“Seriously?” She rubbed her gently curved stomach. He couldn’t explain how much it turned him on to watch a woman enjoy his meals instead of picking at the rich courses he preferred to whip up. Serving her his creations would be a bonus.
“Please?” He tried not to let his cock harden as he begged her, but it was no use. So he shifted on the bed to keep her from noticing, he hoped.
“What am I, an idiot?” She grinned. “Hell, yes.”
He couldn’t help stealing a quick kiss against her mostly closed lips. At least that was what he’d intended, but after learning the true meaning of amuse bouche, he couldn’t restrict himself to a single taste.
“And Ryan?” she said breathlessly.
“Yeah?”
“You’re welcome to stay as long as you like.”
“It helps knowing someone with a mountain resort, huh? Plenty of cabins to choose from when you need to bum a place to crash.” He looked around his room in Ben’s house, knowing it would never be home again.
“Sure, that works.” The way she refused to meet his gaze and the softness of her reply made him wonder if she’d had other sleeping arrangements in mind. He didn’t want to assume or overextend his welcome, though.
They’d figure that part out later.
The best way he knew to make his side of things apparent was to stick to action. It seemed a lot more effective than all this talking about their feelings, anyway. Who was he kidding? He simply needed a second helping of her sweetness.
Not only did she allow him seconds, but she also launc
hed herself toward him hard enough that they knocked their foreheads together. Laughing, they crashed to the bed with him on his back and her straddling him. Her hands gripped his shoulders, using his body to support herself, hovering over him for only a fraction of a second before she descended and captured his mouth with hers.
Hunger.
He was an expert in the feeling. It was an empty sensation he made it his life’s work to satisfy.
With Shari, he found they could do it so much more effectively through physical contact than with something as ordinary as food. The moment she slipped her tongue inside his mouth, he let his head fall back with a groan. His hands flew to her ass, kneading. Both to anchor her to him and to ground himself in her presence.
It was bizarre to be equal parts devastated and optimistic after the events of the past hour. Reeling, he reached for the good in his life and tried to block out the bad.
Her fingers speared into his hair and the light scratch of her nails on his scalp had him forgetting where they were along with his promises to himself to take things slowly so he didn’t ruin another relationship he held dear.
Sometime after the point he’d forgotten to breathe for a while and the moment Shari’s tongue had wandered between his lips to dance with his own, driving him insane, a noise at the doorway caused him to sit up, barely keeping Shari from tumbling to the floor.
Busted.
Ben examined their flushed faces, the way Shari immediately crossed her arms over her chest when they broke apart, and the unmistakable bulge in Ryan’s pants. He cleared his throat, then nodded, one side of his lips curving up though the shadows in his eyes certainly weren’t caused by elation.
“Uncle Ryan and Aunt Shari sitting in a tree…” Julie started up her favorite song, swinging her feet so they bounced off Ben’s thigh—nearly thicker than the elm out back—without making a single dent. She clutched a teddy bear he hadn’t seen before. Maybe Ben had given her an early birthday present to make up for the impact of their aggression, something that rightfully freaked her out after the shit she’d lived through.
