by Jayne Rylon
“I get that. I don’t know how to do this.” He held his arms out, hands extended, palms up. Helpless.
At least that was how he felt.
“Lucky for you, you don’t have to figure it out on your own.” She hugged him. “Be honest. Tell them what the problem is and let them help you find a solution instead of bashing your head against the wall. I’m already worried you might have dented that big brain of yours if you don’t jump all over those two amazing human beings who want to be yours.”
Well, when she said it like that.
“I’m going to pack a bag for Julie. I’ll be right back.” He didn’t waste another moment before putting their plan in action.
13
Ryan kept moving, dragging Shari deeper into the apartment he’d called home for too long to change its label overnight. He steered her into his room and kicked the door closed behind them.
The limpness of her form sucked the life right out of him. Her ragdoll arms hung over his, which belted around her torso beneath her breasts. The uneven hitching of her breath concussed his wrist. “I’m sorry.”
“You don’t have to apologize for wanting him. It wasn’t a secret that you do.” Her voice seemed dull and monotone despite her encouragement.
“I know, I just…I didn’t expect him to do anything about it.” Ryan settled her on his bed, then knelt between her feet. Looking up at her tear-streaked face, his stomach burned like it had the time he’d taken a dare from one of his culinary schoolmates to eat a giant chunk of wasabi. Shit. “I antagonized him, though. I guess I wanted to see some acknowledgement there before I walked away for good.”
“Why?” Shari flopped her hands out in a shrug. “Are you still hoping for a relationship with him? Instead of me, I mean? I thought you were ready to move on. I wouldn’t have… Last night…”
“Nothing like that, I swear.” It made him a shitty person to admit it, but he did anyway. “Part of me was glad to see him jealous and hungry like he’s made us so that I knew, really knew for sure, that he cared. Probably it was an ego thing, too. I like when people lust after me, remember? It pisses me off when he acts like he doesn’t. I saw a crack in his armor and I lashed out. It was childish. I’ll never do that again, I swear. When I saw your face… Jesus, Shari. I’m sorry. Nothing could be worse than that. I didn’t mean to hurt you.”
Shari reached down then and drew him onto the bed beside her so they were even, eye-to-eye. “Hey, wait. After what you told me last night, I get it. It’s more than pride. He’s insulting a fundamental part of you. Mashing your buttons exactly right to get at the heart of you, even if he doesn’t realize it.”
“But you do? After a single night.” He rested his forehead against hers for a moment. “Please, don’t hate me for that. It was stupid and rash. Petty.”
Shari threw herself into his arms and squeezed him, making the spots where Ben had roughly handled him more apparent. His back throbbed with a sweet ache and his chest probably would be bruised where Ben had lodged his fists between their torsos. Fuck, it was bad that he was getting turned on thinking about it, right?
As if she could sense his discomfort, Shari withdrew.
For a moment, they simply sat there, holding each other’s hands and grounding themselves in each other’s company. She eyed the slate roof beyond the window wistfully. “Do you think we could sneak out? I bet I could climb down that tree to avoid everyone and their questions. Escape without having to confront Ben again. Let’s run away. Together. And this time we won’t come back.”
“Not an option. I’m not taking a chance that you’ll slip and break something. I’ve done enough damage today.” Ryan lifted her hand and kissed her knuckles. “If you want, I’ll go out there and clear the way so we can make a quick exit. Unless you don’t trust me to be alone with him. I understand if you don’t.”
“That’s not the problem, Ryan.” Shari blushed. “It’s more that the underlying attraction you share is still alive. Even if you never act on it again, it’s always going to be there, making me doubt that I’m really what you prefer. How can I really be good enough, when you could have that? I saw you making out. Holy shit. Who wouldn’t want that?”
Son of a bitch!
He’d done exactly what she was afraid of and in the process obliterated any progress he’d made the night before. Reassuring Shari that she could easily be his everything would be harder now. In time, maybe he could earn her trust again.
“Egging him on like that, being so crass and blunt, was my way of saying good-fucking-bye. Breaking things off solidly. You know, shutting the door forever.” Except his filthy talk hadn’t worked exactly as he’d anticipated. Huh.
Shari’s arched brows and the disbelieving glare she shot him clearly proclaimed him a moron.
“I didn’t say it was a genius idea. Or a successful one, either.” He shook his head as she laughed softly.
Thank God.
“I really am sorry, Shari. Let me make it up to you.” Ryan angled toward her and cupped her jaw in his palm. When she leaned into his touch the slightest bit, his insides quit vibrating for the first time since he’d seen her horrified stare.
He sipped from her lips until she stiffened and shoved him back a bit. “Wait. I saw your kiss, Ryan. It was nothing like what we shared last night. Or this. It was rough and intense and…”
“What?”
“It made me horny as hell,” she admitted with a pouty grumble.
“Did it?” He tried desperately not to let male smugness take over. Too late. A smirk snuck out anyway.
“Ryan!” She slapped his abs with the back of her hand. “Behave.”
“What will you do to me if I don’t?” He couldn’t help taunting her. “I might like it, you know.”
Before she could respond, a knock interrupted their flow. Probably for the best, to avoid strutting out of this place packing a steel rod. It wasn’t like he was going to fuck her here, on his old bed. Or maybe he should. If words alone had driven Ben to that stunning kiss, what would hearing them moaning and crying out in ecstasy do to the man?
Hopefully it would leave him with a perpetual hard-on he could never slake on his own. He deserved that kind of eternal torture for being so damn dense.
No. No. No.
Ryan had meant what he’d promised. No more games that could end with Shari on the losing end of them. Besides, he’d pushed his luck too far with Julie around. The last thing he wanted to do was trigger her memories.
Shari saved him from making another giant blunder. “Come in.”
He shifted so that he stood between her and whoever was about to join them. He refused to allow her to be wounded because of him ever again. She put her palm on his shoulder and pressed until he slid aside. Maybe she didn’t need him to shield her in that way. He had a lot of learning to do when it came to her.
He prayed he got the opportunity.
“Can I talk to you guys for a minute?” Ben asked, uncharacteristically meek as he waited outside the door for permission to enter. Another first. Damn.
“Of course,” Shari replied. She’d fluffed her hair and scrubbed away the remnants of her tears as if they’d never been there at all. Stoic, she pretended that they hadn’t just played out one of her worst fears about being in a relationship with Ryan.
Ben stepped inside. Shadows beneath his eyes and the deep grooves around his mouth threatened to put Ryan back in the dungeons. The man hadn’t looked this miserable since then. He didn’t shut the door behind him.
“Do you mind?” Ryan pointed.
“Everyone’s gone. Your sister and Lucas took Julie. They’re going to keep her overnight. So we have a chance to sort things out. If you’d be willing to try that.” Ben cleared his throat.
Ryan swung his gaze to Shari only to find her wearing a soft, inviting smile. She said, “Of course,” before consulting him.
Fine by him.
“Are you sure? I was a total asshole out there. If you’d rather leave,
that’s fine. I’m not trying to come between you two.” He wrung his hands, his stare shifting between Ryan and Shari.
“I hope you’re trying to come with us.” Shari wiggled her brows and lightened the mood though her declaration did absolutely nothing to calm Ryan’s rapidly rejuvenating erection. Being in his bed, with these two within arm’s reach, was almost enough to trigger a spontaneous orgasm. Especially after Ben had ramped him up. The impression the handle of the refrigerator door had left in his spine might never flatten out. A subtle twinge there reminded him that it had actually happened.
After so much wasted hope, it was hard to believe.
Open and honest communication with his two crushes, on top of their physical presence, was more than even his most optimistic expectations, given their propensity for dodging this exact situation. Things were changing. He only hoped it would be for the better.
Ryan didn’t overthink it. He maneuvered around Shari so that his shoulders rested on his headboard, like they had on the countless nights he’d sat here and feigned watching TV while spying on Ben working out across the hall in his peripheral vision. Then he spread his legs and patted the space between them.
Without hesitation, Shari held out her arms. He wrapped his hands around her wrists and tugged her to him. Then she situated herself so that he could cradle her back against his chest, using him like he was a living, breathing throne. She fit nicely against him.
Surrounding her with his arms and legs, he hoped he could give her shelter if things went off the rails.
Ben followed suit, climbing onto the foot of the mattress. Nearby, yet not touching them.
Facing opposite directions, Ryan wondered if they could ever get all three of them going the same way. Desiring the same things. Willing and able to accept the unique qualities each of them contributed to their threesome.
His ultimate pipe dream.
Fascinated by the novelty of having his two favorite people—aside from his sister and Julie, who were family—nearby and focused on him, he didn’t register the silence that lingered too long, edging into awkwardness.
Fidgeting, Ben tried to arrange his impressive frame comfortably on the bed. His walnut hair should have had a trim a few weeks ago. It feathered into his eyes. He scratched his jaw through a layer of thicker-than-usual scruff. Though it’d only been a single day since Ryan had ridden off into the sunset with Shari, Ben looked like he hadn’t slept in a week. Beat down. How had Ryan not noticed earlier?
After clearing his throat, Ben lifted his gaze to theirs. “So…”
“Before you say anything,” Shari interrupted, pouring on the sass Ryan had sensed lurking beneath her quiet façade. About damn time. “I’m going ask some questions. If you’re not honest, I’ll know. And I’m not going to stick around for some half-assed effort or more outright lies. So think hard about what you say before you open your mouth.”
“Fair enough.” Ben nodded, licking his lips.
Was it Ryan’s imagination or were they sort of swollen from their fierce clash? Hmm, he tried not to mirror the gesture, though the heated tingle in his own mouth had him craving more. To say nothing of the rash he probably had from Ben’s light beard.
“I saw you shoving your tongue down Ryan’s throat. If you’re so desperate for him, what the hell have you been doing with your thumb up your ass since he moved in?”
If Ryan hadn’t already adored Shari, he would have after that. She cut straight to the core.
He couldn’t wait to hear the answer to that himself.
“How much do you know about what happened to us during the Sex Offender scandal?” Ben prefaced his response with a question that helped bank Ryan’s lingering arousal.
14
“High level, the general idea.” Shari shrugged. Though compassionate, she didn’t sugarcoat things when she replied, “Those immoral assholes created a highly addictive drug called Sex Offender. Your sister, April, got sucked into its hold somehow. Without her knowledge, Ellie was part of the laboratory staff working on perfecting the compound. She also got tangled in the whole mess. They were both imprisoned and used as human guinea pigs to test the formula on. They were raped, often and brutally, by elite black market buyers using Sex Offender recreationally. In addition, they were assaulted by being given the drug against their wills then set loose on clients who paid for the experience so the evil bastards running the operation could afford to continue their research. You and Ryan were brave boneheads and got yourself locked up to try to save them. Except your sister wasn’t as lucky as Ellie and she didn’t make it out despite your very best efforts, which is absolutely not a reflection on you or how hard you tried to save her.”
Ben bowed his head, his fingers trembling on his knees. He’d come to rest sitting cross-legged. “Yeah, that’s all true. Sort of. There were probably other things I could have tried inside...”
“Bullshit,” Ryan objected. “I was there. I should know. You did everything you could have without needlessly sacrificing your own life. You would have done that too, more than once, if I hadn’t stopped you.”
Shari gasped.
“Because you never lost hope that we would survive. That we’d come through it okay.” Ben spoke with such quiet regret that Ryan realized he hadn’t healed, not even a fraction as much as Ryan had, from their abuse. “I got lost. Gave up. Remember when we first met Mistress Lily? I did horrible things to her. I bound her as Morselli ordered. Made her a captive like us. If it wasn’t for JRad….”
“Back up, I’m sorry. I’m not following and I have to understand.” Shari leaned forward, reaching for Ben’s hand. Surprisingly, he let her take it and even seemed to squeeze her fingers in return as she brushed her thumb up and down his.
“It’s hard to talk about this,” Ben admitted. “I would rather forget it. Pretend it was like one of Julie’s nightmares. Except the bad thing is, those are pretty much real, too. It happened. All of it. No matter how hard I try, I can’t forget. I can’t walk down the street even on the sunniest of days anymore without seeing the shadows I cast. I’m different. Forever changed.”
“How does that impact how you’ve been treating Ryan? And me?” Shari asked quietly.
“I don’t like who they turned me into.” Ben looked away, staring at the area rug as if it were the most fascinating oriental instead of something they’d picked up cheap at a yard sale. “It pisses me off when I think about it. Makes me feel like shit. About myself. About how I’ve treated the most important people in my life. About how I’ve become more like them and less like me every day since they made me violate my own values.”
Shari tried to give him a pass. “If this is too hard… If you can’t—”
“Then I’ll lose you both.” He shook his head. “I refuse to let them steal anything else from me. I can’t allow them to win again, can I? I won’t!”
His roar deafened Ryan.
Both because of its intensity, and because he’d had no idea Ben harbored this much depression and bitterness within him. Why hadn’t he confided in Ryan?
So much for their best friend status, he supposed.
Now he was ticked off, too. Violated and deceived. Had everything he’d thought he’d shared with Ben been a sham? Were they strangers after all? Who the hell was this guy across from him and Shari?
He wasn’t sure he knew anymore.
For a few minutes, they sat in silent solidarity, waiting for their emotions to settle before diving in again. Eventually, Ben took a breath deep enough to expand his sculpted chest fully. If the situation hadn’t been so critical, Ryan might have teased Shari about the drool practically forming on the corners of her mouth at the sight.
He could relate.
Those thoughts scattered like the marbles Julie had spilled across their hardwood floors, which they were still finding from time to time though the accident had happened in early spring. He had a feeling they’d unearth one every time they moved a piece of furniture for the rest of their lives
.
Well, Ben would. Since he still lived here.
Ryan shook his head when Ben dropped another bomb. “At first, I couldn’t figure out how April got trapped. She disappeared one night along with Julie. No texts, no notes, nothing. I was frantic, looking for some sign of them. It wasn’t until I got the call from the OSPD that they’d impounded her car for extended parking in front of a BDSM club that I even had the tiniest clue about where to find them. By that point, I hadn’t seen her or Julie in almost three weeks. I never knew why she went there in the first place, though. At least, not before I got myself locked in the dungeons.”
“Wait, now you do?” Ryan eased his grip on Shari when she squeaked. “What the fuck? How? Why didn’t you tell me?”
It was one of the mysteries they’d tried to solve without luck. Endless dark hours had been passed brainstorming possibilities while they recovered from a beating or a rough session in the dungeons. Betrayal unfurled in Ryan’s chest, sickening him everywhere it touched. What else had Ben withheld from him?
“When we came home, after we got confirmation that she was…gone…I cleaned out her car to sell it. I didn’t want it around. Julie was scared of it. She remembers them taking her, waking her up as they hauled her off. April screaming—”
“Yeah, I know. It was like a week after the Men in Blue cracked the case.” Ryan cocked his head. What the fuck had Ben been hiding since then? Why? That fucker! He hadn’t given Ryan the chance to help him through whatever had obviously been eating him alive.
“That’s when I found her diary wedged under the seat.” He slapped the comforter near his feet hard enough to jolt Shari against Ryan’s chest. “It turns out my sister was selling herself to get by. I didn’t know. I swear I didn’t. I would have taken a third job, sold a kidney. Anything to keep her from resorting to that. In one of her entries, she wrote about how she heard rumors some guys from a BDSM club were paying extra for women willing to take a sex drug before appointments, and she did it. While Julie was out in the motherfucking car, sleeping.
