by Jayne Rylon
“Put that thing out and get your ass in here.” He leaned out of the casing far enough that he fisted her shirt in his hand, just in case she stumbled.
Her glare combined with her lack of argument made it seem like she might be torn between outrage and remorse for being busted. She stabbed the butt of her cigarette against the slate roof.
As soon as it was extinguished, he hauled her inside, confiscated the partial pack of cigarettes in her back pocket along with her lighter, then flung them both out the window, into the yard.
From below someone—it sounded like Razor—yelled, “Hey, it’s raining smokes. Cool!”
“Don’t treat me like a child.” Shari shoved his chest. The gesture didn’t even threaten to sway him.
“Don’t act like one,” he snarled. “What if you slipped? Ryan’s already crushed. That would be too much for him.”
He wasn’t tough enough right then to admit he was really worried about himself and how he’d reached his quota for disasters. Even thinking about her crumpled on the sidewalk outside for a moment made him want to puke. So he kept raging, because that he could handle. “And smoking? You quit for a reason. Given your family history on top of the usual, it’s not a good idea. Don’t slip back into bad habits. Destructive ones. Julie wouldn’t want that.”
She crossed her arms and harrumphed. “Look who’s talking! Mr. I-Don’t-Need-Anyone-Not-Even-The-Two-People-I-Fucked-Like-A-Maniac-And-Acted-Like-I-Wanted-A-Relationship-With-Until-I-Got-Scared-Shitless!”
“Oops!” The door opened a bit then shut again as Jambrea said, “I guess that’s what that racket was.”
Then she called out, louder, “Ryan! Your boyfriend and girlfriend are having their first fight. You want in on it?”
Ben didn’t wait for a referee to intervene. He kept digging himself deeper. “Bad shit can happen in the blink of an eye. I let myself get distracted for one damn day, and look what happened!”
He punched the wall, leaving a hole the landlord would not approve of—considering the hell Ben had gotten for the one the guy had patched a couple days ago—along with some of the skin from his knuckles. No more pounding the sheetrock, he promised his security deposit. Fuck, that stung.
Not nearly as bad as the lance that pierced his chest when he saw Shari’s expression.
He might as well have smacked her.
“Fine, I’ll leave if I’m such a horrible reminder of your mistakes.” She wobbled as she reached for the doorknob. Though everything in him yearned to correct her invalid conclusion and beg her to stay, he figured it was better to let her go.
Except that would have required walking through Ryan, who burst through the door just then.
“What’s going on here?”
“I’m leaving.”
“The hell you are!” He snagged Shari’s wrist and pulled her deeper into the room, slamming the door behind him.
Shaking off his grip, she sank to the window seat, tucked her feet beneath her, and plucked Julie’s new teddy bear from the open toy chest, hugging it to her chest as she wept. Now was probably not the right time for Ben to mention that he thought the thing was sinister with those black eyes that seemed a little too…real. Like they followed him around the room.
He wouldn’t mind chucking it out the window, too.
Then again, she might have bought the stuffed animal for Julie. He couldn’t remember where it had come from. At that moment, he didn’t have the brainpower for much of anything non-critical.
“Enough. Both of you.” Ryan rubbed Shari’s shoulder even as he held his hand out to Ben.
Instead of accepting it, he clasped his fingers behind his back.
“None of us has any clarity at the moment,” Ryan said. “We’re exhausted, terrified, angry, and confused. This is not the time to make decisions or say things we might regret later. It’s definitely not a good idea to hurt each other because we’re limping along already. Besides, it didn’t work worth shit when I tried leaving the other day. It’s still not the solution.”
“You know how you always say you like to be needed?” Shari asked Ryan.
“Yeah.”
“I need you so bad right now. Hold me, please?” She awed and baffled Ben by simply and directly asking for what she required instead of trying to protect herself from further injury by admitting her vulnerabilities.
As he watched, Ryan sat beside her and opened his arms. She flew into them, burrowing against his chest as he wrapped her in the strength she couldn’t provide for herself right then.
Ben wished it could be that easy for him.
“There’s room for you, too,” Ryan offered.
Ben held his head in his hands, squeezing his skull as he tried to sort out right from wrong. In the end, he went with what his heart demanded instead of what his brain tried to reason. He’d almost made the same mistake twice.
Shit!
Shari peeked up at him from where she huddled against Ryan. If this was a test, he knew he couldn’t afford to fail again. Nor did he plan to.
“I’m sorry, Shari.” Ben staggered to the bench as if he’d downed the entire bottle of cognac Ryan had tucked in the cabinet for pan sauces. He crashed onto it, then rested his forehead next to hers on Ryan’s collarbone. A strange sensation stung his eyes, one that he hadn’t permitted in decades. Not even at his sister’s funeral had he shed a tear.
Because he’d feared he might never stop.
Now it was impossible to hold back.
With them, he didn’t have to. They’d shelter him while he was exposed. Ben let Ryan and Shari surround him with their forgiving and liberal embraces. They drew his grief and horror from him like a doctor siphoning poison from a wound. He didn’t give a fuck if the entire apartment full of their friends heard him sobbing like a baby. Because the only two people whose opinion on the matter he gave a shit about were there, reassuring him it was okay. That they didn’t think less of him for breaking.
Some time later, when his wails turned to blubbering then died down to moans, they were there to rebuild him piece by jagged piece. Ryan handed him a handkerchief to mop his face and blow his nose. Shari crooned to him as she caressed his back.
Though his throat was raw, his nose was stopped up, and his eyes might never focus again, oddly, he did feel better. Not because he’d lost control but maybe because he’d finally grieved.
For April.
For himself.
But not for Julie. Because Ryan’s murmuring had sunk in.
“We’re going to bring her home. Just wait. The Men in Blue are tracking down leads. It won’t be long now before we have a breakthrough. I know it. We will not give up on her. None of us or any of our friends will either.”
“Okay.” Ben nodded. “I’m sorry I doubted. I forgot for a second…”
“That’s over now.” Shari kissed him softly, raking his hair into some semblance of order. “We only move forward, not back. Which is why I’m never going to smoke again, all right?”
The thought of her sick and dying like her mother…that was why he’d freaked out on her. He didn’t have the tact to explain that now, in a way that would sound supportive instead of accusatory, but later he owed her an explanation.
She gave him a reason to grow, to get better at the hard stuff in life, so that he could be the man she deserved. Ryan too.
About to tell them, he didn’t get the chance.
A tap came at the door. Lily spoke loud enough to be heard through the solid wood. “Sorry to interrupt. Jeremy’s got an update and he brought a couple people with him that he’d like you to meet. Do you need a few minutes more?”
“No.” Ben found it was true. More quietly, only for his lovers, he said, “As long as you two will be by my sides.”
“We will be,” Shari confirmed.
“Always,” Ryan added.
“We’re coming,” he shouted to Lily then pushed to his feet, giving each of his partners a hand up, like they had done for him.
21
Julie squished her face to the sliver of the window that wasn’t covered by cardboard and duct tape. Through it she could see her house. She wasn’t sure if it made her feel better or worse to know her Uncle Ben was right there and he still couldn’t hear her screaming even at her very loudest.
She should know—she’d spent the entire day trying. Now her voice was scratchy and she could hardly swallow. It was like the time she’d had strep throat and Uncle Ryan had made her magic rainbow popsicles to take away the hurt. She wished she had one of those now.
Uncle Ryan and Aunt Shari were close by too. At least Aunt Shari’s truck hadn’t moved from where she’d parked when she’d come to Julie’s birthday party two days ago.
How had things gone from so happy to so crappy that fast?
Were they as scared as she was? Were they trying to find her?
Did they know someone had taken her or did they think she ran away like her mommy?
Her breath started to go in and out really fast, making it hard to think.
They would look for her, right?
Uncle Ben had told her how hard he’d searched for her when the bad men had taken her. That must be why all her other uncles were there too. She’d never seen as many police cars in her whole life as lined the street just then.
Knowing they were out there helped her calm down and force more air into her lungs.
She remembered what Uncle Ryan had said about when he went through the bad stuff. He told himself over and over that somehow, someway, he would get out and never let himself stop believing that was true.
So she tried that. “I’m going home. They’re going to find me. They won’t ever stop looking. I’m right here! They’ll notice me soon.”
When her voice stopped working, she curled into a ball in the corner and tried not to snivel. She couldn’t remember why that was so important until a flash of memory from the bad stuff played like a movie on her scrunched eyelids.
It was her mommy, crying.
“Quit that or we’ll give you something to be upset about. You want us to hurt that little girl of yours? We’ve kept our word so far, but that can change if you don’t cooperate.”
“NO!” Her mommy’s howl snapped her back to the present.
Julie wanted to scream. She couldn’t. She wanted to cry. She shouldn’t.
She had to be strong so her uncles could find her.
They would, if she never gave up.
How could she do that when she wasn’t anywhere near as brave as Uncle Ryan or as strong as Uncle Ben?
Her eyes went wide as she remembered Aunt Shari marching up the stairs to their apartment the other day, flashing her tattoo. Visions of Aunt Ellie’s artwork came to her mind too. Aunt Lily had lots of ink. And so did some of her uncles. Uncle Lucas had gotten lots after his accident.
They were the most awesome people she could imagine.
Julie stomped over to the bucket of markers and paper the new bad man had put by the door “to keep yourself occupied” before he’d locked her in this room then left for work this morning. She decided it felt better to be angry than sad so she kicked it hard enough that if she were playing in the schoolyard at recess, she probably would have scored a home run.
She sent everything flying before crumpling the paper into balls and throwing them too.
Only when she’d burned off some of her nervous energy did she plop onto the floor with her legs crossed. Reaching beside her, she plucked a blue marker from the carpet then ripped off the cap. She squinted at her hand, imaging what it might look like if she had the kind of tattoos that would give her superpowers, like her aunts and uncles.
Sticking her tongue out like she always did when she concentrated really hard, she put the tip of the marker against her wrist and began to draw. With every swirl, design, and color she added, she felt less like the Cowardly Lion and more like Dorothy.
How much better would it be if she had all of her family with her?
Aunt Shari must have thought the same thing, since she put her brother’s name on her side.
Julie imagined each of them and what their favorite color was, writing their names on her arm. Uncle Ben in red, Uncle Ryan next to him in blue, and Aunt Shari too, in green. Really big, taking up one whole leg, she put A-P-R-I-L in pink. That was her mommy’s name. Around them she drew flowers and hearts and stars and doodles.
Maybe the too-small tank top and skirt the new bad man had forced her to wear weren’t so terrible after all. The clothes gave her lots of spaces to tattoo. Her handwriting wasn’t as pretty as Aunt Ellie’s, but she smiled for the first time since the new bad man had trapped her in here when she saw them.
And when the new bad man came home, flinging open her door hard enough that it crashed into the wall, she didn’t scurry away or try to hide. Because that was not what any of these people she carried with her on her skin would do. Instead, she got to her feet and stared straight at him.
“What the hell did you do to yourself?” he shouted.
“Gave myself tattoos. Do you like them?” She twisted her arms back and forth so he could read the names of the people she loved. The ones who loved her back and wouldn’t ever give up on finding her.
“I liked you better without them.” He stared at her until she felt kind of sick. “After dinner, we’re going to have to wash them off.”
“No!” She would bite him, and kick him, and scratch him before she let him get rid of them.
“Oh yes. I brought you some more princess dresses for you to model like you did last night when we played dress up with your teddy bear.”
That was before she’d realized her new friend was actually a bad man and didn’t plan to let her go home. He’d seemed so nice when he’d picked her up from school, telling her that Uncle Ryan had gone home with Aunt Shari so Uncle Ben had sent him to get her. Then he’d talked about how he would take her to play with all her new birthday presents or the puppy, which he didn’t even have in this house. He’d tricked her.
So she didn’t believe him when he said, “Princesses don’t have tattoos.”
“The cool ones do.” She put her hands on her hips. “They’re probably just under their dresses where you can’t see them in the movies.”
“Oh, we’ll see these. Though I don’t think that’s what people will pay for. Besides, it’s too much information.”
She had no idea what he meant about that, but something he said had caught her attention. Her stomach rumbled. “Did you say we can have dinner now?”
He nodded.
“Pizza again?” It was what they’d had for supper last night.
“If any other place delivered in this shitty town…”
“That’s a curse word.” She knew he was a bad man.
He rolled his eyes. “Okay, fine. Pizza, coming right up. Let me order it for you, your highness. Who knew a kid could be such a pain in the ass?”
“That’s another curse,” she pointed out.
He smacked his forehead with his palm.
“Besides, I know how to order my own pizza. Uncle Ben lets me do it.” She wasn’t allowed to use grownup cell phones very much, but sometimes they let her play games on them when they were waiting in a really long line or do things like order the pizza when they were supervising.
Even better, Uncle Ben had forced her to memorize his phone number in case of emergency.
This definitely counted.
If she could use the new bad man’s phone, maybe he wouldn’t notice what buttons she pushed.
“Great, make yourself useful.” The new bad man crushed her hopes when he took his phone from the pocket and pulled up the pizza shop’s phone number from his contacts before hitting the green go button and handing it to her. “Get a large pepperoni pie.”
He waved her down the stairs as they were waiting for the pizza place to answer.
Julie wished he’d go to the bathroom, or turn on the TV, anything to give her a chance to call for help instead. But he didn�
�t. He sat on the couch and stared that weird stare again, never even hardly blinking as he watched her.
Poop!
She remembered what he’d said last night, when she threw a fit about not sleeping in her own bed. If she tried to run away, he’d hurt her. He’d stop being her friend. Would a real friend make her stay when she wanted to go home?
“Peppy Pizza. I’ve got 324 Ridgeway for this number, that correct?”
“Yes.”
“Want the same thing as last night? Large pepperoni?”
“Yes.” Julie felt her chance slipping away. She had to try something. “With a large helping of pepperoni, please.”
New bad man snatched his phone back. “Don’t do anything stupid.”
From where she stood she heard the pizza man say, “You got it. It’ll be there in thirty minutes or it’s free.”
Without even saying thank you, Rudeface mashed the red hang-up button.
He glared at her, but she pretended like she didn’t know why. Twirling her hair, in the stupid pigtails he’d put it in that morning, seemed to work.
Like before, he acted nice again. Not scary at all.
He showed her the toys he had in the living room, including more bears like the one he’d given her the day Uncles Ben and Ryan were fighting. She didn’t want to play with them anymore.
Except he got grumpy if she didn’t.
She was so bored by the time the pizza man rang the doorbell, she stayed in the living room, away from the windows, like the new bad man had told her to the night before. Before she could come up with a plan, he’d opened the door, snatched their dinner, then slammed it shut without any talking at all. Uncle Ben never acted like that. The new bad man carried their food to the kitchen. He’d gotten halfway there when a knock came at the door followed by a muffled shout.
“What the hell is he saying?” new bad man asked.
“He needs you to sign the receipt.”
“Son of a bitch,” he grumbled. That was definitely a curse. “You do it. Fast. Then get away from the door. And don’t you dare try to run or I’ll come get you back. You won’t know when or how I’ll take you, but you’ll never be safe. Next time I’ll catch your family too. They’ll hate you for getting them in trouble. You hear me?”
