by Lee Quail
I gripped him by the lapel of his shirt and pushed him up against the wall. “Give me your best, come on fucktard. Give me all you’ve got,” I shouted, heart pounding, voice trembling. I released him and made as if I was about to punch him, but Joe, I found out, doesn’t do pretend. He swiped at me with a bitter left hook that caught my already swollen jaw. I saw stars light up and flashes of lightning but maintained my balance. I came in with a right and left to his stomach and he buckled over and fell to the floor. I was just about to kick him in the butt when Shane exclaimed. “Stop! Stop both of you. Just fucking stop.”
“Have you seen what he’ done to you, Shane?”
“Just stop this, please. That’s all I ask.”
“You touch Shane again, mister and I’ll come for you.” I turned to Shane and gripped his hand. “You’re not staying here tonight. This arsehole can fuck himself.”
“Greg, please no.” Shane pleaded, but I had already led him to the door. Suddenly I was spinning, Shane was falling, and I tried to grab him at the risk of falling myself. As I spun, Joe came in with a right to my stomach, and attempted a vicious kick to the head. I grabbed his leg and twisted. He went spinning onto the floor. And then I was on him. Beating him with an open hand, somewhere my open hand turned into a fist and a punch landed on his face. He flailed about, trying to get me off him. I pinned his arms under my knees and pointed with my finger right under his nose.
“You listen to me, fucktard. I’ll fucking knock your head off. Don’t think I’m playing games. Shane is coming with me, and you better stay out of my way. Understand?”
The man tried to wriggle free while moaning that my weight on his arms was too much. “Do you understand?”
“Yes. Yes. Yes, for fuck sake. Now get off me.”
I slowly stood and walked backwards, lifted Shane and made a hasty exit.
Behind me Joe exclaimed, “He’s mine! Mine!”
“Just ignore him, Shane,” I whispered in his ear. “Just ignore him.”
***
Inside my bungalow, I made Shane comfortable on my bed and rubbed an anti-inflammation ointment to the side where Joe had punched him.
“You’ll be okay, detective. You’ll be just fine,” I whispered, smiling. “You’re safe.”
“I thought he was going to kill me.”
“He can’t touch you now.”
Shane battled to breathe; “I tried to tell him…Greg. I got as far, as far as I don’t love…don’t love him. That’s when he went crazy. Just crazy.”
“It’s okay, you don’t have to talk now. We can talk later. Sleep, let the ointment help you. I’ll sleep on the couch.”
Shane glared at me with pain rendering his eyes squint. Grabbing me, pulling me down to him in a tight embrace, he implored me. “No. Sleep with me, please. I need you.”
I climbed in, fully clothed and held him close. This was right. He belonged here. I was his home. I turned the light off and soon he fell into a calm sleep.
***
A noise had woken me. I climbed out of bed around four in the morning, went to the window and investigated where the noise had come from. In the hours before dawn, I watched as Joe lugged his belongings to his car. I thought to hell with it, go. Maybe it was best for both of us. I could have run after him and tried stopping him from leaving, but another thought entered my mind almost immediately; he deserved to be alone. I wasn’t sorry for punching him in the face.
I watched him drive away and still watched even when the car’s red backlights disappeared from view. To me, Joe was just a name. To him I was his worst nightmare.
Seated on the patio, hoping to catch a glimpse of a beautiful sunrise, Edward came up to me on his morning jog.
“Joe’s gone,” I said.
“What the hell?”
“Shane and Joe had a fight last night. I had to stop it. Shane’s with me now, in my bed, sleeping. Joe hurt him.”
“Shit, dad. We heard nothing. How badly hurt is he?”
“He punched Shane in the kidneys.”
“Fuck! Do you think he needs a doctor? There’s one a half hour’s drive away.”
“I’ll see when he wakes up. If he’s still badly swollen we’ll get him to the doc.”
“It’s okay. He’s a travelling doctor. At least Shane is where he belongs, with you,” Edward said, holding up my chin, smiling.
“That wasn’t my intention. I just couldn’t stand by and do nothing.”
“You did right, dad. Listen, I don’t know if Shane told you everything, but to hell with it. Joe’s sick.”
“He said there was more and I didn’t want him to lie to me so I shut him off.”
“Joe’s immune system has rejected him and the marrow in his spine can’t produce white or red blood cells.”
I frowned. “Are you serious?”
“Yes. Shane looks after him out of the kindness of his heart because that’s Shane.”
I punched the air. “Fuck! He didn’t tell me.”
“You never gave him a chance.”
“Do you think he’ll go back to Joe after this? Shane’s the best thing that’s happened to me.”
Edward took my hand. “Then make it happen. He’s yours for the taking, dad.”
“I’m scared of being hurt, son.”
“Aren’t we all afraid of being broken by love? It very nearly happened to me and Raw but we found a way around that and we’ve been dizzy happy ever since. You’ll find your own way around it, dad.”
“I know what you think. Here’s this alpha male pilot in the air force reduced to a blithering shadow of his former self. You can’t believe that coming from a disciplined, organised man who serves in the forces.”
“We all make mistakes. You should give him a chance to explain. Love knows no boundaries. It gets to you whether you’re macho, gusto, flippo or even no-no. It gets to you even though you might be too individualized to fall in love, or even if you’re afraid of the love word. It gets to you when you can’t stop thinking of the man and leaves your heart thumping wildly in your chest.”
“That’s exactly how I feel.”
“Then go with it and don’t ask questions and...” he paused, “and don’t look back.”
Did I bring this man into the world? A man who was not just beautiful inside and out, but also the wisest kid I have had the honour of knowing.
I wasn’t going to allow Shane to slip through my fingers like so many opportunities I’ve had turned sour.
This time it would turn out the way I intended.
God help me.
Shane
Joe left Canton’s Cottage just before dawn without saying goodbye. I very nearly made a huge mistake and if Greg hadn’t stopped the fight, Joe would probably have killed me.
Joe wanted to leave immediately and I had my mind set on Thursday. He wouldn’t take no for an answer. He made it abundantly clear that I had no option but to return with him. And when I said I didn’t love him, he turned into the devil himself, a side I had never seen from Joe.
I was clear about one thing. If I had gone with Joe, there could be no atonement. I had deceived Gregory enough. In time, I would forget Greg, and I wasn't prepared to do that. If only he’d given me a chance to explain Joe’s illness by listening. It was time to follow my heart.
I woke up disoriented, sore and feeling sick with sunlight streaming across the bed. It felt as if one of Edward’s horses had kicked me.
I was still drowsy when Gregory approached the bed with a mug of green tea. Green tea of all things. Vile.
“Where’s Joe? What are you doing in my bungalow?” I asked, thinking I was in my bed.
“Joe’s gone. He left early this morning.”
“What the fuck, am I in your bed?”
“My bed, my bungalow.”
“I need to be with Joe. He hasn’t got long to live and he needs me.”
“I know he’s ill, Edward told me. I just don’t understand, Shane. After what he did to you, you still wa
nt to be with him.”
“I just need to be with Joe even if he beats me up, it won’t last forever.”
“I need you, Shane. I fucking need you more than you will ever know and if you leave me, I’ll be lost. Everything has been about Joe. I’m also here. Don’t you see me? I’m fighting for you every second of the day. I only see you. No one else. Together we can sort out Joe’s future. And our future. As his time draws close we can place him in a hospice. They’ll take care of him like we can’t.”
“I’ve deceived him and he knows it. Somehow he knows and I don’t know what to do.”
“Tell him the truth. Tell him how you feel. The truth wil hurt, but it needs to come from you.”
I nodded. “I’ve told him I don’t love him, but I have to take care of him.”
“Shane, you’re not listening to me. Tell him how you feel. Your heart’s stopped feeling for him, and all you want is for him to die a dignified death. Tell him where your soul is. Tell him you cannot be his lover, but his friend. Are you listening?”
“I’m sorry. I‘m so full of shit.”
We sat silently for a time just staring at each other. Eventually I climbed out from under the covers and leaned in for a single, sweet kiss. As I stepped onto the floor a mind altering pain swept across my side and I collapsed. Gregory caught me just before I fell and promptly placed me back onto the bed.
“You need a doctor, detective. Edward said there’s one a half hour drive away. He’ll have to come here.”
“I’ll be fine. Nothing’s broken.”
“It’s your kidney. He punched you so hard he may have damaged your kidney.”
***
The doctor, in his late fifties but looking more like a middle-aged stud, confirmed my worst fear; a swollen kidney. He gave the medicine to Gregory and turned to me.
“You’ll have to spend a few more days here, young man. I can’t allow you to travel in your condition.”
That put paid to that. A few more days meant a week at the most, he said.
The moment the doc left, Gregory said, “I’d like nothing more than for you to move over to my bungalow. Are you okay with that?”
I smiled. “More than okay, Colonel.”
***
The next few days where a whirlwind.
Gregory pampered and loved me like I have never known. He wouldn’t allow me to make myself a cup of vile green tea or pour a glass of wine. I wasn’t allowed any alcohol, not according to the doctor, but Gregory instead.
Long moments on the patio brought us together more and more. Our bonding was suave and gentle. We held each other close watching the pinnacles of golden sunrises and the vermillion sunsets.
We held hands while watching Edward and Raw tend to the horses. The simplest things that we take for granted, like roiling clouds and wild flowers became our topics for discussion. We sat together for hours, sometimes staring at each other, not saying a word, or he’d lie with his head in my lap whilst reading one of the gay novels in Edward’s collection.
I never felt more alive.
By the second day, Joe never entered my mind. It was as though he had become a thing of the past. A past I wanted to forget. No one mentioned him.
By Friday afternoon I could finally walk without too much pain and on Friday night, Edward brought out a second canoe and all of us went paddling in the twilight.
“Do you remember?” Gregory asked as the canoe skimmed across the water.
“I’ll never forget.”
“Sex in a canoe, we’re animals,” Gregory said, laughing.
“Best I’ve ever had.”
Gregory hugged and kissed me on the neck. “I remember.”
“You make so happy, Greg. It’s an honour being with you. Promise me you’ll never change. I need you to be the same man I met a week and a half ago.”
“I worry more about you, detective. I worry that I’m not good enough for you. That you’ll always be looking out for someone better than me.”
I waved an accusing finger in his face. “Don’t you start, Gregory Basye Sander. Don’t start.”
He smiled and stopped rowing when Edward and Raw beached their canoe on the shore of the lake adjacent to a sheer cliff that dropped perpendicular into the lake.
“Come on, lovebirds,” Raw shouted from the beach.
Gregory parked the canoe beside theirs and helped me out.
“Come on,” Edward said, beckoning us. “We want to show you guys a sight you never see in the city. Shane, are you okay to climb?”
“I think so. There’s not too much pain.”
Gregory put his arms around my shoulders and together we began climbing up to a rocky mountain ledge. It didn’t take long, and when we got to the top and looked down, a wonderful sight lay before us.
A Zulu village nestled quaintly down below, filled with tribal ancestry and mystery. The fields were green, cattle grazed, and horses roamed freely. It looked like a scene from Out of Africa. Serene. Pastoral and mysterious all at the same time.
As we gazed upon this special sight, some piccanins* down below spotted us and waved then went about their routine.
All of us clutched onto each other until after the colours in the sky melted onto the rocks of the mountain.
Piccanins = Zulu meaning Children.
Gregory
The moment Joe left, things changed. Shane and I spent all our time together and with each passing day, my heart filled with the joy of being with him. He didn’t deserve to be treated worse than an animal, especially since his heart was pure gold.
A week later he had recuperated fully and on his second trip to the cottage, the doc gave him a clean bill of health.
“So, I can return to Johannesburg?” Shane asked.
My heart skipped a beat. I didn’t want our togetherness to end. I wanted it to go on and on and on. They say all good things must end. They don’t tell you about the unhappiness that follows.
“You’re free to travel as far as you want,” the doctor said, packing his equipment into a black leather bag.
My heart sank into blackness again and I excused myself. Took a walk down to the pier and dangled my feet into the shimmering, hypnotizing water.
Everything returns to something.
We return to dust or ashes after death. Our souls return to the cosmos. Nothing is wasted. Nothing, except the love I felt for Shane.
I didn’t hear him come up behind me. He placed a hand on my shoulder and smiled sadly.
“Hey. I’ve been looking for you.”
“Hey,” I said. It sounded so far away.
“Can I join you?”
“Sure.”
He sat close to me, his hand resting on my thigh.
“What’s going on in your mind, Colonel?”
I hesitated, and then changed my mind, falling silent instead. In sorrow I gazed into his eyes and swallowed hard.
“Are you feeling the same thing as me?” He asked, tracing a zigzag pattern along my thigh.
I nodded.
“Are you also scared?” He said, his fingers forming a circle on my skin.
I couldn’t speak. My mind fogged up like a remote misty morning. I allowed my head to sink into the palm of his hand.
““I didn’t want to fall in love, Greg.”
“What do you mean?”
“You! I didn’t expect to fall in love with you so quickly. I know that’s crazy, but it’s true.” Shane let out a long sigh, as if releasing all the pent up frustration in his entire body. “You’re the finest man I have ever met? It’s an honour being in your life, and I can’t stop loving you, I will never stop loving you, Greg.”
I stared into Shane’s eyes and found truth. How could I not say anything? Would it matter if I said nothing and simply sweep him into my arms? Actions speak louder than words; I drew him in and planted a long, wet kiss into his mouth. “I won’t survive a day or night without you.”
“What are we going to do?” He asked.
�
��Joe is waiting for you and I fear for your life. I don’t want you to go back to him.”
“I don’t want to go back to him, Greg. I’ve given you everything, it’s you I need, and want and fucking crave, every minute of the day. But…”
“I knew there was a but in there somewhere.”
“But we both have to leave this beautiful place. I need to face him and you need to get back to the air force and hopefully deal with your life. There is no other way.”
“Of course you’re right. Are you serious about me?”
“Never been more serious about anything, ever.”
“When are you leaving?”
“Tomorrow morning. You?”
“Day after. I want to spend a few hours quality time with Edward and Raw.”
“I understand. But you don’t have to be concerned with my safety. Joe won’t try anything with my sister around.”
“You’re such a softy, you know that?”
“Really. I don’t think so,” Shane said, taking my hand and placing it on his cock.
It was rock hard.
“See what you do to me, Colonel.”
I kissed him gently on the lips as several geese landed on the water just a few feet away, brushing against his lips I dug into his neck and he leaned back, inviting me to continue.
“I want you so much. Almost a whole week being with you, sleeping in my bed, watching you dress and undress, shower and towel up. A week of not being able to touch you. It was agony. I never dreamed I’d meet someone like you,” I said, smacking my lips across his face and into his ears.
We fought to escape our clothes until I pushed him back onto the grass and removed his shirt and shorts much like a ballet dancer would execute a dream dance. His nakedness drove me into a frenzy and when I finished undressing him, between long, wet kisses, he undressed me. We lay on our backs watching the clouds roil by in the sky, our hands and cocks working together; cupping, lightly touching and caressing each other. I placed his arms above his head and brought my tongue into his armpits, licking the most sensitive skin. His smell was clean, like an alcohol free mouthwash, and he whimpered for more.
