Attire
Ninjas are attracted to shiny things, like freshly washed cans or medallions. So don’t wear anything like that, since they might chew on it. I don’t understand why this happens.
Feeding
Ninjas’ favorite foods are sushi, egg rolls, chicken, curry, tacos, pizza, leaves, apples, and spicy-chili. Most of the time, a ninja only wants the food in your hand, but if your fingers get in the way, they might eat them, too! They might not know where the taco ends and your fingers begin. So DON’T CURL YOUR FINGERS while feeding. Keep your hand spread wide open.
Don’t!
Do—oh man, look how flat that hand is.
Saying Goodbye
Everything may be going pretty sweet when hanging out with a ninja, but if you screw it up at the end by saying something completely stupid, it’s over. Ninjas remember the last few moments the best—so they’ve got to count, hard. After you both get tired playing or watching TV, walk the ninja to the door and talk about something sweet that happened during the visit so he can think about it on the ride home and really understand how cool it is to be with you. And don’t get all sad and beg him to stay longer. He might start thinking that you’re desperate. Only after he’s left the driveway, can you close the door and fall back against it, and rock back and forth, thinking about all the stuff you guys did, wishing, hoping, praying that it will all happen again. And if you did all the crap I just told you, it probably will.
PART IV
Welcome to My Dojo!
A medieval warrior said to his son, “It is not good to be crazy. Before you get crazy, count to one hundred, or I’ll uppercut you.” Then one day, the kid got a little crazy and warrior dad looked right at him and the kid started counting, but instead of relaxing, he got even more pumped, and by the time he hit twelve, the kid went bananas and started spanking his dad and he couldn’t stop. And when his dad was lying on the ground screaming, “WHY? ” the kid whispered, “Because I can.”
—Ancient Chinese Proverb
SECTION OVERVIEW
You might be asking yourself, “Good evening, how is this ancient Chinese or Japanese tradition or whatever going to help me, a modern person with guns and television?” Well, you know what? This stuff has lasted 2,500 years because IT’S AWESOME, THAT’S WHY! And frankly, whether or not you think ninjas are sweet doesn’t matter. What matters is that they could beat your ass. And if that doesn’t make sense to you, nothing will.
Nevertheless, after seeing a bunch of ninja and kung fu movies, a lot of people think that they’ll get magical powers if they become a ninja. Well, you know what, they’re right. There have been news reports of kids flying around cities, kicking soccer balls into space, and ripping off their dad’s spanking arm. All because they decided to become ninjas. BUT making the decision to be a ninja can be a super hard one. Your friends and relatives may tell you that you should be a mailman or a doctor. They might say that you’re not good enough, or even that you’re too fat or uptight. But if you want to be a ninja, I mean really, really want to be one, then you have to do it. You just have to, no matter what. But you also have to know for sure. So you should learn about other types of jobs to see what you’re missing.
Lawyers
Lawyers just hang out in courtrooms all day and, during recess, they don’t even get to go outside! They have to take a bunch of crap from the judge who doesn’t even care about them. And nobody should have to go through that.
Doctors
Doctors are retarded. They don’t do anything. Sometimes they cut people, which is cool, but they don’t do it enough. And when they actually do kill somebody, everybody yells at them. Plus, you have to look at guys’ wieners all day—so forget it.
Fishermen
All they do is sit in a boat and look at each other all day, and their socks are always wet. Nobody likes them, because they can’t figure out what they want out of life and probably never will.
Mailmen Retarded
Veterinarian O.K., because the dogs flow like wine, which is awesome, but other than that, it’s retarded
Painter Boring
Astronaut Float around in a spaceship with a bunch of naked guys? NO WAY!
Clerk Retarded
Sailor Double retarded
Now, after I told you all that crap, I want you to sit back and really think about it. It may take days or even weeks, but at least you’ll know for sure.
O.K., done? ’Cause I know I am. Now do you still wanna be a ninja? Do you think you have what it takes? I am going to show you the lefts and rights of the art of killing people and looking sweet. A ninja needs spirit, skills, weapons, a suit, and moves. And guess what? I am going to teach you all that crap right now. But ... before we get to the real training, we have to do something. (I think you know what that is.)
Pump-Up Part II:
More Movie Scripts That Make Me and Francine Bite Each Other Hard
Nobody can be a ninja if they’re not pumped—nobody. And if you’re still not pumped up, then you’re a moron. Luckily, I can help. I wrote three more scripts to really get you pumped. On the top, these movies may appear foolish or dumb, but as you’ll see, the characters in them are pretty cool, and work on many levels, because they pump you up. The King’s Gold/Babes is about teamwork and friendship. The Pirate Dance is about danger, brotherhood, and the pure stupidity of pirates. And the third script, Little Tiny Hippo, is about a little tiny hippo.
The King’s Gold/Babes
SCENE 1:
In the olden days, there was this sweet king that had mounds of gold and babes. But then these pirates decide to steal the mounds and surround the castle and everybody freaks, except the king, who is like, “Chill homies, I’ll handle this crap.”
The pirates stand outside the castle walls and are like, “You think you are so cool, but guess what, you’re not. Good luck dying!” Then the king replies, “Yeah, right. How would you like to meet my best friends?”
Then, out of nowhere, there is a small sound of a guitar wailing really, really hard behind the hills. The wailing starts getting louder and louder and louder. Then, out of nowhere, there is this one sweet-ass ninja standing on top of a huge hill. Everybody is like, “Woooooooooooow!” He is wearing all black and he has this jet-red guitar in his hands. Then smoke smokes over the hills like trains. But the smoke is ninjas. And the pirates see about a billion ninjas with guitars standing on top this his huge hill. And they start to wail ...
When the ninjas wail on their guitars, the pirates spray diarrhea on each other and love it. And when they wail harder, the pirates spray harder. As the ninjas saunter down the hill, the pirates’ chests and butts explode. (Basically, they’re dead or about to die.) Then the ninjas finally reach the boss pirate who is really huge. Out of nowhere, the boss pirate pulls out this baby banjo and tries to fiddle with it like a little, retarded baby. The ninjas are like, “Yeah, right,” and all the billions of ninjas surround the boss pirate. Half of the ninjas all combine to form the biggest guitar in the universe. The other half form the second biggest boner in the universe. Then the huge guitar points right at the pirate, who is like “Holy CRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAP!” Before the pirate could even do anything, the super boner slaps against the guitar, making the hugest wail ever to happen anywhere ever. The pirate explodes so hard that every single one of his kids he would have had explodes and all of his grandparents explode along with his neighbors and even people who he merely said “Hello” to.
Then there is a huge concert at the castle. All the babes in the castle morph into this humongous female crotch. The huge boner and crotch pork softly, while slamming into the guitar and wailing. And guess what, the king sits on top of this huge pile of gold and babes and laughs his frigg’n ass off about how stupid the pirates were.
The End
I don’t know about you, but after reading this script, I splashed all the water out of the tub.
The Pirate Dance
(Blood Brothers in the Japanese versio
n)
SCENE 1:
The scene opens up with some soft annoying music to get the audience super pissed. The camera shows a bunch of pirates eating chicken buttholes. But, fortunately, a ninja sees everything and realizes what a bunch of bullcrap it is. So this one ninja walks up to them and is like, “Yo, what’s your problem?” The camera zooms directly on a pirate’s mouth, which states, “Get out of here now,” and chicken buttholes fall all over the silverware. Then the camera cuts to the ninja’s mouth which says, “No,” but it looks cool. The audience then sees the ninja pull out a huge guitar and he starts to wail. But the pirates don’t explode, they start to dance ... hard. And when they dance, the pirates look like a bunch of crabby moms. Everybody in the entire world craps their pants laughing at the pure stupidity of the pirates. But the ninja has A.D.D. and starts losing energy/power and the pirates start stopping dancing. (There will be some suspense filled violins and guitars playing so that the audience gets scared and/or scared-pumped.) In several motions, the pirates come toward the ninja. BUT, out of nowhere, this badass lake appears and a huge hippo busts out of it hard. Water sprays everywhere, including the pirates’ shirts (which causes their boobs to just barely appear through the soft cloth). The pirates are like, “This can’t be happening!” And the hippo says, “Guess what? ... IT is,” and slaps five with the ninja pretty hard. Then the ninja says, “Let’s rock, brother.” And they both pull out expensive guitars and start wailing on them really, really hard. Since the ninja can’t concentrate, the hippo thoughtfully guides his hand, because they are blood brothers till the end of space and time. Then the pirates all morph into this giant diaper and the hippo and ninja morph into a super poop-filled baby that takes the biggest frigg’n dump in the pirate/diaper. The pirates’ scream turns into a crap-gargle (this will make audience laugh gregariously). The ninja’s A.D.D. heals and the two buddies/brothers smoke cigarettes and get ice cream and pop, which they enjoy a lot.
The End
I don’t know how anybody can tolerate pirates after reading this stuff.
Little Tiny Hippo
SCENE 1:
There is this chubby, little tiny hippo who is hyperactive and has A.D.D., gappy teeth, and everybody thinks he’s crazy but he really isn’t. His name is Roberq and he doesn’t have any friends because he gets too pumped sometimes. One day Roberq is just hanging around a lake (like usual) making up stories and goofing around, not hurting any other hippos and stuff. Then some pirate starts beating his ass bad, which royally sucks. Roberq tries to run away, but can’t because the pirate calls a bunch of his buddies to help out. One pirate is in the shape of a dad; another pirate is in the shape of some friend who never wants to hang out ’cause you accidentally screwed up once; and the last pirate is in the shape of a stupid mom with three kids. Roberq’s only this little tiny hippo and everybody is completely beating his ass and he didn’t do anything. It’s like these pirates don’t even understand what it’s like to be a hippo. But guess what, Roberq hears this trumpet in the background that sounds exactly like a guitar. (And the camera spams up to see about a trillion ninjas flying in the air like geese in guitar formation.) The pirates are like, “Nobody can stop us, because we’re adults!” And out of nowhere, the pirates hear this little tiny voice that says, “Yeah, right.” It is the little tiny hippo! The pirates are surprised by the hippo’s audacity, yet totally willing to continue beating his ass worse than before. And just when the pirates are about to begin again, they start to feel little poop droppings on their necks and shoulders. (They are ninja droppings with acid and poison.) The pirates start sizzling like tube steak. Then all the ninjas land and completely surround the pirates. One ninja steps forward and is like, “Maybe you should get a life, and by life I mean death.” (The pirates are completely speechless.) Then that ninja starts beating the pirates’ asses bad—so bad that people in other dimensions start feeling sorry for them. When the ninja finishes, which was about a billion years later, the next ninja starts. All one-trillion ninjas beat the pirates’ asses. So for one billion trillion years this goes on. And if you’re ever alone in the forest and you listen closely, you can still hear the little tiny hippo saying, “Yeah, right.”
To be continued . . .
Do You Have the Ninja Spirit?
Did You Know?
Here is a list of particularly awesome things:
dogs sniping very spicy chili cat claws on people (but still cool on cats)
Becoming a ninja is like making a fort. You set up some chairs and get a huge blanket to throw over the chairs. You put couch cushions on the sides to make walls and a door. But be sure to make a small opening near the entrance to see who wants to come in. And don’t use a blanket that’s too heavy or else it will sink in the middle. Make sure that dogs know where to get in, too. And that’s about it!
By following the magic tripod of Goal Setting, Determination, and Attitude, you will develop REAL ninja spirit to base all your ninja skills on. And you’ll need to build a badass foundation if you want to succeed, trust me.195
Goal setting
I get a lot of questions about whether girls or women can be ninjas. Well, anybody can be a ninja if they feel it in their heart. You just have to look within yourself and try to figure out what’s really important to YOU. Think about this: Are you living the life your parents wanted to live? What goals do you have? Are these goals yours or are they someone else’s? Are you so dependant on another person that you don’t know who you are or what you want? Most importantly, ask yourself what would you do with your life if you could do anything you wanted regardless of what other people might think? Your answer is what you should be doing, since this is what you really want to do. If deep within your catacombs, you feel that your destiny is to be a ninja, then that’s what you have to do. And it doesn’t matter what anybody else thinks.
Determination
Becoming a ninja isn’t easy. You’ll get tired. You’ll get colicky. But in the end, you’ll be pretty sweet. And even though it’s hard work, you can’t go around complaining. There’s this one kid I know who can’t stop whining because his dad ran away from home and never sends him cards or sings happy birthday. I don’t know what his problem is—my ultimate dream is to have a deadbeat dad. It just sounds dangerous. Nevertheless, besides porking (really) hot babes, flipping out, wailing on guitars, and cutting off heads, a ninja has to train. They have to meditate ALL THE TIME. But most importantly, each morning a ninja should think about going a little crazier than the day before. Beyond thinking about going berserk, a ninja must, by definition, actually go berserk. Here are a few starters if you don’t know where to begin:
1. Look for a mom and baby enjoying a hot summer afternoon in the park. Wait till the mom looks away and then start frenching that baby, hard. Then when the mom turns around, frigg’n book.
2. Go hide near the patio of a restaurant. Look for the hungriest dude you can find. Wait till he gets his food and then, when he’s just about to take a bite, grab the plate and frigg’n book!
3. Get a huge squirt gun and go to the zoo. Find the biggest, craziest gorilla there and squirt him in the face, hard. Stand around and continue squirting until the gorilla completely freaks out. Then throw a ladder in the cage so he can climb out. But this time don’t stand around. Frigg’n book!
4. Go to the theater by yourself. Sit behind a family. Locate their popcorn tub. Take off one of your socks, roll up your pant leg, and wait till the climax of the movie. Now swing your leg over the seat with your toes pointed downward and plunge your foot into the popcorn. Depending on how pumped you are, do one of the following: If you’re super pumped, leave your foot in the tub as long as you can; if you’re just kinda pumped, apologize and say it was a simple accident.
Attitude (or, as the French call it, Pizzas)
A ninja has got to have attitude—that is, a ninja must be ready at any moment to chill the fuck out whatever the situation may be. Nobody, I mean nobody, can chill like a ninja. Ju
st lay back, call some homies, and chill. Or call some honies, if need be.
Now go out there and be a ninja. This stuff is what dreams are made of. Stick to your goals and go live your dream.196 Thank197 you.198
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I’M
PROBABLY
A NINJA!
Becoming a Ninja
Did You Know?
In the past, ninjas would dip their hands and feet into pure lava to make them hard. They don’t do that anymore, because where do you get lava?
To203 become204 a205 ninja206, you207 have208 to209 perfect210 your211 skills.212 Otherwise, you’re just another guy in black pajamas. Below, I will teach you how to master sleeping, stealth, patience, hiding, getting respect, and building energy. Let’s get started.
Get Enough Sleep
Even though ninjas don’t have a set bedtime, they still believe in sleeping. Because if they’re too tired during a mission, they might end up making a silly mistake. Personally, I have to go to bed at 6:00 P.M. every night. I’m not a big fan of going to bed early, but it’s Dad’s number one rule. I hated it at first, but during school Ms. Burbell has me run extra errands, because I have so much energy. I get them done fast. I like Mrs. Burbell. She’s pretty funny, too. One time, she came into class one day with makeup smeared all over her face. She said that she was in the bathroom puking, because her sister died. And when Ms. Burbell said “puking,” we laughed our frigg’n asses off.
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