Ursula balked at the entrance. “What will people think if the two of us enter without an escort?” she whispered.
“They will think we desperately need a drink after spending yet another night in an air raid shelter and working our behinds off all day.” Anna rolled her eyes and walked straight up to the wooden bar with her sister in tow.
Then she climbed on the slightly rickety stool in her mid-calf-length skirt, woolen stockings, and worn shoes. She neatly crossed her legs and leaned two fingers against her cheek, imitating one of Marlene Dietrich’s grand poses in the film The Blue Angel. Ursula laughed at her sister and struggled to climb onto the stool.
“Two schnapps, please,” Anna ordered from the barmaid before turning to Ursula.
“Schnapps?” Ursula raised an eyebrow but was too tired to protest. Apparently, her sister had decided to go wild now that they had escaped the stern hand of their mother.
“Sure. Had a rough day?” the barmaid asked as if it was the most normal thing in the world that two respectable young ladies walked inside the bar and ordered the hard liquor. A few moments later, she put two shot glasses with a transparent liquid in front of them.
Ursula took the glass in her hand and sniffed. The strong smell stung her eyes.
“Down it,” Anna demanded and put her glass to her lips.
Ursula followed her example and downed the entire shot in one gulp. The alcoholic bite burnt through her throat all the way to her stomach, and she gasped, causing her sister to grin. But funnily enough, it left a comfortable warmth after the sting subsided.
“I’ll be transferred to Plötzensee tomorrow,” she murmured.
“Plötzensee? Isn’t that where they keep the subversives?” her sister asked, her eyes wide.
Ursula’s heart contracted. “Yes, and my superior warned me about these people.”
“Most are good people,” Anna answered with an air of defiance.
“How can you say that? They betrayed the Fatherland.” Ursula usually didn’t discuss politics, but the alcohol had lowered her inhibitions.
“Have you ever thought that maybe our government is wrong?” Anna’s voice was merely a whisper, but loud enough for Ursula to glance around to see if anyone had heard. When she didn’t find anyone within earshot, she relaxed.
“How can our Führer be wrong? We don’t remember how terrible things were before, but Mutter and Vater do. The Führer and the Party have worked so hard to rebuild our country from the rubble it had become after the Great War and the Depression. We have enough enemies who envy our success so much that they fight against us; we don’t need resistance from within.” Ursula repeated what she’d been drilled at school, although she couldn’t completely silence the doubts that crept into her mind more persistently with each passing day.
Even though the Nazis had perpetrated the war for good reasons, it was still a war. And it had brought death and despair to everyone in the country. How could this be a good thing? How could harassing the Jews and other Undesirables be a good thing? How could being cruel and fearsome be a good thing?
Her Catholic parents had raised Ursula with the morals and kindness of a good Christian. And although she didn’t flaunt her religion like a badge of pride, she knew it was wrong to harm others, no matter the reason.
“The patient in my hospital, he’s a kind man. Educated, polite, humorous. He was sentenced to death because he opposed the Nazi ideology. And just recently, a whole bunch of resisters was hanged. Hanged! Who does that? Hanging was used in the Middle Ages when people were cruel and uneducated. Haven’t we learned a thing since then?” Anna’s eyes glared with indignation.
Ursula remained silent because she sensed – in a way only sisters can – that Anna needed to get this off her chest.
“You may have heard about Harro Schulze-Boysen, the Luftwaffe officer. He was the leader of the group. I just can’t…I don’t see the justice. Execution for, effectively, disagreeing with our Führer?” Anna glanced at her sister with desperation.
I’m sure these people did a lot more than disagree with Hitler.
The barmaid approached, and after a glance at her sister, Ursula ordered a second round of schnapps. Every person in this hellish place called Berlin suffered breakdowns from time to time, especially when the realities struck as insurmountable. Today was Anna’s day. And Ursula’s task was to listen to her sister, let her whine, shout, and argue, and then bring her safely back home to accept the unacceptable.
“Look at us! We don’t even have freedom of speech anymore. Look at Lotte! We were forced to send her away to the countryside for fear that she will get herself into trouble with her sharp tongue. But she’s right! She speaks nothing but the blatant truth that we are all too scared to see, or admit to seeing,” Anna exploded, her words hanging in the air like ash floating down. A few of the other patrons looked over.
“I’m sorry, my sister has too many sorrows to bear,” Ursula apologized, and the heads turned away. Every single one of them had too many sorrows to bear and understood.
“Anna, please lower your voice, or you’ll be hanged yourself.”
Anna sighed and downed the schnapps the barmaid had served. Then she giggled hysterically.
“Yes. You’re right, let’s talk about something fun. It’s such a rare occasion when we go out and have fun. We’ll do it more often now that Mutter isn’t here to watch over us.” Anna did one full turn on her bar stool in slow motion. When she faced her sister again, she said, “Have you noticed, there’s not a single man our age in this place?”
Ursula nodded. “It’s odd, isn’t it?” It was already dark outside, and because of the thick blackout curtains, they couldn’t look out the window. But on the short walk over, they hadn’t met a young man either, save for two SS men.
“Heavens, I have almost forgotten what normal men look like. The only ones we get to see are in uniform, and their appearance makes me itch.” Anna straightened her perfectly straight hair.
“You’re right. Those uniformed SS or Gestapo send shivers down my spine, too. It’s like when we were children, and Mutter gave us that look. You immediately racked your brain to remember whether you’d done something wrong.”
“But you’ve never done anything wrong in your entire life,” Anna giggled, “it was always me.”
Ursula shot her a mock scowl. “Yes, but I got scolded anyways because I was the oldest. And you had that annoying ability to make everyone believe you’re innocent.” Ursula remembered more than one occasion where she’d received the chastisement because Anna pulled her I’m-a-sweet-and-innocent-girl act.
Anna guffawed. “I still have that ability. It comes in handy at times.”
Ursula shook her head. “When will you grow up and stop doing things you aren’t supposed to?”
“You can talk. At least you’re married.” Anna did another full turn on her bar stool, observing the patrons.
“And here I thought you weren’t one to long for marriage. Weren’t you the one complaining that the boys wouldn’t leave you alone?” Ursula squinted her eyes at her sister in an effort to concentrate despite the warmth of the alcohol coursing through her.
“Oh, don’t give me that look. I’m not desperate for a husband and babies, but what girl doesn’t want a little romance? How am I supposed to find someone special to go out with when the few men around are only interested in finding spies and criminals? I may as well become a nun.”
Ursula snorted. “Don’t even consider it, you would make a terrible nun. They would kick you out faster than you could even pray. The war won’t go on forever, and when it’s over, everything will be like it was before.”
Anna frowned and chewed on her bottom lip, looking pensive. “What if this damn war does go on forever...until nobody is left to return home?”
“The Führer says we are nearing the end, and besides, we have lots to look forward to when it does. There is no use in complaining about things we cannot change.”
“Wh
at exactly are you looking forward to?” Anna eyed her sister suspiciously.
Ursula felt the heat rush to her cheeks at the thought of her husband. She bit her lip and then answered matter-of-factly, “Andreas. I want so badly to have a baby and finally to stop working.”
“Is that all you want from life? To be a housewife and mother?” Disappointment was etched on Anna’s face.
“Isn’t that enough? What else could I want?”
“Don’t you have any hopes and dreams? Any personal ambitions beyond what you could do for other people? What about yourself?” Anna wrinkled her forehead.
“No, I don’t. All I want is to be happy.” Ursula gave a nod toward the blackout curtains. “See that? Right now, my only ambition is to survive this war. Anything I do will be better than being a prison guard.”
“You are just so perfect. You’ve always been the perfect daughter, the A-student, the girl who never contradicted her teachers or caused trouble…” Anna jumped from her stool, and every single pair of eyes in the room was glued to her body as she theatrically raised her arms and exclaimed, “You never scratched your knees because you fell down from a tree, or dirtied your white Sunday dress in a puddle. You never sneaked out of Mass because it was too boring. You didn’t even make out with boys behind our parents’ backs…”
Ursula felt the heat rushing to her face as the spectators’ eyes wandered between her and Anna. “Shush…”
“I’m sick and tired of shushing! I’ve had enough of everyone telling me what I can and can’t do! I want to live my own life. I’m done being an inferior copy of you…” Anna stood in the middle of the bar, shoulders shaking as her voice broke off.
“Anna…” Ursula embraced her sister, “Nobody wants you to be like me. And I’m far from perfect.” She tried a smile but failed miserably.
“You are. Ever since I can remember, everyone has told me to be more like you. I don’t want to be you!” Anna broke out in tears.
“Let’s go home.” Ursula paid the barmaid and then escorted her sister outside. The crisp winter air hit them and burnt their faces, but it was a welcome change from the stifling warmth inside the bar.
Ursula linked arms with her sister and watched how her own breath turned into white clouds as if she were smoking. Not that Ursula would ever do such a thing.
She sighed. “That didn’t turn out too well, our plan to have fun. Did it?”
“No. Not really. I’m sorry.” Anna dried her tears.
“Don’t be sorry, we all need to let off steam sometimes.” Even I do, but nobody will ever witness this.
“I’m so frustrated. It’s terribly hard when every day gets you further away from your goals. I only became a nurse because it would give me a head start at studying human biology, and look at me now. Patching up patients, just to give them back to the Gestapo so they can torture them some more. Is there any more useless and horrible work than this?” Her ambitions were a sore spot in Anna’s life. She’d always wanted to study biology, but her parents had flat-out denied her this wish. She was a woman and women didn’t become scientists. Period.
“You’ll get through this war, and then you’re going to study biology, regardless of what Mutter or Vater say. I’ll support you,” Ursula heard herself say. Judging by her sister’s facial expression, Anna was as surprised at these words as she was.
They arrived at their building and walked up the stairs. As Ursula unlocked the door to the apartment, she heard the peephole of the neighboring door click. Doesn’t that woman have anything else to do than spy on her neighbors?
Anna had moved her things to their mother’s bedroom earlier in the day, and as they said goodnight, Ursula was happy about the unusual privacy. Too many things whizzed through her head.
Both her sisters had such strong opinions and lofty goals for the future, Ursula felt weak and unimportant in comparison. But try as she might, when she closed her eyes, all she dreamed of was a peaceful life with Andreas and their children.
Chapter 4
The alarm rang, and Ursula stirred. Thanks to the blackout curtains, it was pitch dark in the apartment. The silence was staggering. Not even the sound of breathing came from Anna’s bed.
Then she remembered. Mutter and Lotte had left, and Anna had moved to Mutter’s room. As much as Ursula had craved some privacy, it was frightening to wake up alone.
She switched on the light on her nightstand and went through her morning routine. She was expected early at the new prison. Her stomach felt queasy, but it wasn’t the usual sensation of repugnance for her job. It was…fear of the unknown.
Officer Fischer’s warnings had created terrifying images of strong, dangerous women who would intimidate and manipulate her. Maybe even attack her. Take her hostage in an attempt to escape. Although she’d never heard of such an incident, that didn’t mean those things couldn’t happen.
Half an hour later, she took the bus to Charlottenburg and got off near the main entrance to Plötzensee prison. A shiver ran down her spine as she neared the building complex that was used as the central place of execution for political prisoners.
The administrative building looked innocent enough with its signature red bricks and the gracefully arched windows – or it would if it weren’t for the massive steel portal and the grilled windows.
A ten-feet high brick and mortar fence in the same red color surrounded the entire compound and was topped with barbed wire to make any attempt to escape futile. On the far end of the complex stood smaller buildings, the living quarters for the permanent staff. Ursula shuddered again. The thought of living inside the prison walls wasn’t exactly pleasing; at least she could go home at night.
Ursula registered in the administrative building and was then led to her new superior, Frau Schneider – a resolute woman in her fifties, her ash-blonde hair tied into a perfect chignon.
“Frau Hermann?” At Ursula’s nod, she continued, “I’ve been expecting you. We are very short-staffed so I won’t have much time to show you around. I was told you’ve been in another prison before?”
“Yes, Frau Schneider. I have worked in two different prisons, it won’t take long to learn the routines here.”
“Good.” Her new superior looked Ursula up and down, taking in her figure. Then she frowned. “You’re small.”
“I’m five feet four,” Ursula answered automatically. It was a sore spot in her life. Even her little sister had surpassed her in height this year.
“I’m afraid we don’t have a uniform in your size. Usually, our employees are taller,” Frau Schneider said with an unreadable face and gestured for Ursula to follow her to the staff room.
In the staff room, she handed Ursula a gray, scratchy uniform two sizes too big that consisted of a mid-calf-length skirt and a supposedly tailored jacket that bagged on her. After a disproving glance at the abysmal state of Ursula’s shoes, Frau Schneider rummaged in a nearby closet and pulled out a brand-new shiny pair of black leather boots.
Ursula’s eyes went wide. Even with ration cards, shoes weren’t something you could buy – anywhere.
“I have no idea why they gave us children’s sizes, but maybe they’ll fit you,” Frau Schneider commented and urged Ursula to try them on.
Ursula did as told and discarded her ill-fitting torn shoes to put on the shiny boots. They fit like gloves, soft and comfortable, and the first tentative steps she took felt like walking on clouds.
“I love them.” She smiled at her superior. “Can I really have them?”
Frau Schneider nodded with the tiniest lift of a smile on her face. “Yes. Now follow me.”
Several hours later, Ursula felt as if she’d been in the prison forever. There really wasn’t much difference to her old one, except this one was bigger. She soon learned that the cell blocks formed a large cross, the first wing reachable via a door from the administrative building with the staff rooms. Three of the wings were reserved for men, and one for women.
During the following days
, she carried out the duties that she had so long become accustomed to. Patrol, search, and treat with suspicion. This was the very essence of her work that she struggled with so much: suspicion.
Over the next days, she was surprised to discover that the political prisoners weren’t the ugly criminals her former boss had warned her about. Instead, most of them were kind and warmhearted women.
One day, she accompanied a new arrival to her cell. Margit Staufer wasn’t even twenty, and her round, childlike face didn’t bear any resemblance to the terrifying criminal she was supposed to be.
According to her file, Margit hadn’t even had a trial, and yet she was put on death row along with the other condemned prisoners. It was one of those occasions when Ursula questioned the supreme wisdom of her government.
The woman already in the cell, Hilde Quedlin, had been sentenced to death three days earlier and hadn’t spoken a word since. As strange as it sounded, Ursula worried about her. Maybe the company of Margit will cheer her up.
Days turned into weeks, and Ursula’s stomach stopped being queasy on her way to work. More than once, a smile appeared on her lips as she greeted the now familiar faces of her inmates.
In her old prison, distributing food was the most dreaded task because the guards had to enter the cells. They were always fearful of an ambush, a prisoner attacking, spitting, or calling them names.
But when Ursula walked into the cells here, the women greeted her with a smile and sincere gratitude. They weren’t the muscular and masculine women she was expecting but looked just like her. Perhaps less well-maintained and certainly sicklier and thinner, but still like any other German woman. Under different circumstances, they could have become friends. Not that Ursula even considered this idea, fraternizing was a severe offense that could get her into hot water.
Ursula’s favorite time of the day was leisure hour because then she could stand outside, enjoy the sunshine, and forget where she was. She kept an eye on the prisoners and couldn’t help but overhear their conversations.
War Girl Ursula Page 3
