“I’ve always been lousy with relationships,” said Connie. “That’s no secret. Comes with the life.”
“That’s bull. Nobody is making you date guys like that. You’re choosing to.”
“I’ve dated regular guys. It doesn’t work out.”
“Whatever you say,” said Tia.
Connie didn’t like Tia’s tone but chose to ignore it. Tia didn’t press.
“I think she’s on to something,” said Thelma.
“Nobody asked you,” replied Connie.
“We’re stuck waiting here,” said Thelma. “Seems like a good time for some honest self-examination.”
Connie’s thumb hovered over Thelma’s clicker.
“You can shut me up, but—”
CLICK
For an extra measure, Connie shoved Thelma in the glove compartment.
“I wouldn’t bring it up, but I am your friend and you are trying to change,” said Tia.
“I am changing,” said Connie. “I’m dating a normal guy now.”
“You’ve dated normal guys before. Don’t take this the wrong way, but you were never really into them.”
“Trevor and I were getting pretty serious before he was eaten by a space slug.”
“That’s not the way I remember it. Just a week before, I started seeing the signs.”
“What signs?”
Tia laughed. “You seriously can’t see them? Aren’t you a master detective? How can you be so oblivious to your own patterns? Guess you’re too close to it.”
Connie eyed a pressure point on Tia’s neck. A little press with the thumb, and Tia would be unconscious for about an hour.
“I don’t want to have this conversation.”
“That probably means you should be having it, and before you knock me out with some secret kung fu move you learned in Shangri-La or from Bruce Lee’s ghost, you should know that’s not how normal adults deal with situations.”
One little press.
Connie squeezed the steering wheel. “Okay. What patterns?”
“Whenever you date a normal guy, you get bored,” said Tia. “I get it. I get bored with most normal guys, and I haven’t done a tenth of the stuff you’ve done. But it’s deeper than that. You get all nitpicky.”
“I do not.”
“A week before that slug got Trevor, you were complaining about his taste in movies and how he liked his coffee.”
“His favorite Bill Murray movie was Ghostbusters II.”
“Okay, that’s a big strike. I’ll give you that. Still, you always find a reason to get rid of the ordinary guys, provided they aren’t considerate enough to be devoured by a dinosaur before that’s necessary.”
“Jeff. And he wasn’t eaten. He was trampled to death.”
“Poor Jeff,” said Tia. “Poor He’s-Always-Humming-All-The-Fucking-Time Jeff.”
“But he was humming all the fucking time.”
“And before Humming Jeff, there was Too-Many-Cats Bill—”
“Four cats. I draw the line at three.”
“—and Likes-The-Beatles-More-Than-The-Monkees Larry. Which isn’t even a flaw, because every fucking person on this planet likes the Beatles more than the Monkees.”
“I’ll have you know that there’s an alternate reality where Mike Nesmith is a pop culture god. And really, the Beatles were never the same after they replaced Ringo.”
“I thought it was Paul.”
Connie chuckled. “What idiot believes that?”
“We’re getting off topic. You have to admit you aren’t great with ordinary guys, and it isn’t always their fault.”
“Maybe.”
“Relationships aren’t simple. Not friendships. Not dating. Not any of it. Do you think it’s always been easy being your friend? There were times I thought about not returning your calls.”
Connie had also considered leaving Tia behind now and then. It would be safer for Tia that way. That’s what Connie told herself. The truth was that it sometimes seemed easier to abandon any pretense of a regular life. There were times when Tia and Mom and Dad had seemed like more of an obligation than anything else. Dead weight to be left behind while Connie crossed the Sahara Desert or explored the deepest, darkest regions of the Amazon jungle.
Adventures were thrilling, addicting, but exhausting. Saving the world only mattered because she was reminded now and then that the world was worth saving, and it was in the quiet moments, whether relaxing under the waterfalls of Venus or meeting Tia for a nice lunch, that Connie found those reminders.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you feel bad,” said Tia. “I know you’re under a lot of pressure.”
“You and Dad and Mom, you keep me sane. I need you. I need normal. I’m just not very good at it.”
“You’re not the first woman to have a thing for drama and bad boys,” said Tia. “Doesn’t mean you can’t change.”
“I’m working on it,” said Connie.
“My ears are burning,” said Hiro. Somehow back in the car.
“Goddamn, give a girl a little warning next time,” said Tia.
“My apologies.”
But he wasn’t sorry. He loved doing it. He lived for it. It was why he was so good at it. It was no wonder he vanished whenever things got serious. It wasn’t the crown jewels or thrills that drove him to it. It was his nature. He was a shadow, and trying to date a shadow was stupid.
He flashed a cocky smile, and Connie’s heart skipped a beat despite herself.
“I’m working on it,” she mumbled to herself.
He held up a metal tube about a foot long. “One caretaker enchantment, as ordered.”
“That was fast,” said Tia.
“Yes, it was,” he replied. “Sometimes, I even impress myself.”
Tia took the tube. “Are you sure it’s in here? Last time I saw it, it was in a little metal square. You could fit it in your pocket.”
“I’m sure,” he said.
“You wouldn’t mind if we double-checked?” She turned the lid.
“Don’t—” said Connie.
The tube hissed. Tia passed out. Connie jumped out of the car and covered her mouth. Something stung her neck. Her vision blurred. She pulled the dart from her neck.
“Sorry,” said Hiro, that smug smile on his face. “Just being practical.”
She swung to take his head off, but he danced out of reach of her sluggish reflexes. She fell over and would’ve hit the pavement if he hadn’t caught her. She struggled. In her imagination, she was fighting to the end, but she knew she was squirming in his arms like a dying fish.
She went unconscious.
Connie awoke with a headache. “Goddamn it.”
She took in her surroundings. It wasn’t what she expected. The conference room had a single large table and two dozen chairs taking up most of it. There was nothing especially menacing about it other than the five security agents standing around in gray suits. They looked familiar, but they always did.
Across the table, at the far end of the room, a man and a woman with flawless olive skin and indeterminate ethnicity, wearing matching red suits, sat. Behind them, more agents. Beside the agents, Hiro stood smiling that goddamn smirk of his.
“What was that about trusting your ex again?” asked Tia from the chair next to her.
“I love you, honeybunch,” said Hiro, “but I do have to watch out for myself.”
“Don’t call me that,” Connie said. “Don’t ever call me that. We had a deal.”
“Deals change,” he said.
“And all that talk about earning my trust?”
“I meant it when I said it. But then again, I always do. It’s probably why I’m so convincingly sincere. I had every intention of acquiring the item for you, but while I was here, I realized that it was possible you wouldn’t be interested in taking me back. If so, the next time a Red Shadow ninja found me, I might be in serious trouble.”
“So, you double-crossed me. Again.”
&nbs
p; “How’s the saying go? It’s my nature.”
“I can’t believe you fell for this guy,” said Tia.
“I was young and stupid,” replied Connie. “And Hiro has always been a blind spot for me.”
“Pity,” said the male twin. His long, silver hair framed his face, while his twin was practically bald. “But it just proves your unworthiness.”
“It’s inconceivable that you should carry the caretaker as long as you did,” said the female twin.
“Aren’t you supposed to introduce yourself?” asked Connie. “Or should I just refer to you as Thing One and Thing Two?”
“I am Harmony,” said the woman.
“I am Equity,” said the man.
“Of course you are. Here’s the part where you reveal your master plan, I assume.”
“Your ignorance does you disservice,” said Harmony.
“Why are villains always so formal?” asked Thelma.
“They’re compensating for being colossal assholes,” explained Connie. “What’s your interest in the spell?”
Equity said, “It is our destiny to carry it for the glorious future of humanity.”
“There has always been a flaw with the caretaker’s hosts. Up to now, they have been chosen through educated guesses. But we shall be the first host bred and designed to be perfect.”
“Right,” said Connie. “Eugenics nuts. Run into plenty of those in my day. Why wait until now to get your hands on the spell? You’re a little old for this, aren’t you?”
Harmony said, “We were grown and artificially aged by the most brilliant genetic engineers the world has ever known.
“We are younger than we look,” said Equity.
“Vat babies, huh?”
The Twins were not amused.
“We find that term derogatory,” said Equity.
“We prefer nontraditional incubatants,” said Harmony.
“Hey, that’s your call. How old are you, then? Chronologically. If you don’t mind me asking.”
“Seven years old,” said Harmony.
“The age when the destiny can be most successfully implanted,” said Equity.
“Jeez, you’re just kids.”
“We are not,” said Harmony.
“Are too,” said Connie.
“Are not.”
“Are too.”
Equity’s face flushed. “Oh, shut up.”
“Take it easy, Junior,” said Connie. “If you were made in a lab, where are the scientists who made you?”
The Twins smiled with sinister delight. Harmony said, “They served their purpose. We saw no need to keep them around once we were ready.”
“Let me guess. You got sick of having a bedtime.”
“There might have been some . . . disputes,” said Harmony.
“We are perfect. What right does any imperfect being have to restrict our TV time?” added Equity.
“And broccoli.” His sister grimaced. “Distasteful scourge.”
“I get it,” replied Connie. “When I was your age, if I’d had the power, I probably would’ve executed Mom and Dad for daring to get between me and Jem and the Holograms. You seem like nice kids.”
“No, they don’t,” said Tia.
“No, they really don’t,” added Thelma.
“We are not children,” said Equity. “We are perfect beings.”
“That’s not a childish thing to believe at all,” whispered Tia. But it was a stage whisper, meant to be heard by all.
“You are fools,” said Equity.
“Somebody needs a nap,” said Connie.
The Twins glared. Their faces reddened. They were either about to order everyone shot or start crying. Connie defused the situation by getting the conversation back on track.
“Why haven’t you implanted the spell yet?”
The Twins calmed.
“Implantation is a difficult process,” said Equity.
“And there’s the additional difficulty of one spell between us,” said Harmony.
“Don’t want to share your toys?” said Connie.
“Sibling rivalry,” said Tia.
“There’s no rivalry,” said Equity. “We are both perfect.”
“But one of you is more perfect,” said Connie.
“If you’re trying to turn us against each other,” said Harmony, “you’re wasting your time. And ours.”
“All right. You’re both perfect. Good for you.”
“We do have a question for you, Ms. Verity,” said Harmony. “After surrendering the spell, why are you seeking it out now?”
“Change of plans,” replied Connie. “I don’t know if I buy any of this mumbo jumbo about a cosmic balance, but I figure that if people like you want it, it’s better off in other hands.”
“People like us?” the Twins asked together.
“Evil geniuses. Criminal masterminds. Inbred eugenic egomaniacs.” Connie leaned back in her chair and kicked her feet up on the table. “No offense.”
The Twins smiled without amusement.
“We are the masterwork of generations of careful genetic selection,” said the brother. “We are the ultimate potential of the human race.”
“Heard it,” said Connie. “And it’s always bullshit. There is no ultimate version of a human being. You think you’re perfect? Nobody is. Except for maybe Professor Perfect. I’ve worked with that guy, and let me tell you something, he’s pretty damn close. But even he sucks at crossword puzzles.”
The Twins scowled like two children being told they weren’t getting dessert.
“You dare to speak to us like that? You’re nothing more than an incubator,” said Equity. “Now that you’ve done your job, you would be wise to scurry off before we decide you’re of no more use to us.”
“If I was of no more use, I’d be dead already,” said Connie. “You can stop with the threats.”
The Twins nodded to an agent, who moved toward Connie.
“I wouldn’t if I were you,” she said.
“Your bravado is pointless,” said Equity. “Even if you were to somehow defeat every guard in this room, there are dozens more just on the other side of the door. Even you, with your legendary martial arts abilities, can’t hope to defeat them all.”
“Dozens, you say? Yeah, that’s a bit much, even for me. And I have Tia to look after too. She’ll only slow me down.”
Tia sighed. “Sorry.”
“Don’t worry about it.”
“We have to say we’re greatly disappointed in how easy it was to capture you,” he said. “You’d have to be foolish to trust Hiro Yukimura after his history of betrayal.”
“Yes, I would have to be,” said Connie with a smile. “Wouldn’t I?”
The Twins glanced around the room. Hiro was nowhere to be seen.
“Where did he go?” asked Harmony.
“Beats the hell out of me,” replied Connie. “I could never keep track of him.”
An alarm sounded.
“The caretaker destiny!” realized the Twins together.
“Let me guess. It’s the most heavily guarded item in this building? Until you decided to pull most of your security here to keep an eye on me.”
The Twins ran from the room with a security detachment in tow. They locked the boardroom and left five guards to watch their prisoners.
“Hiro didn’t betray you?” asked Tia. “He was only using you as a distraction?”
“It wasn’t difficult to convince the Twins he planned on betraying me, considering how often he’s done it in the past.”
“It was a fake betrayal? You could’ve warned me.”
“I didn’t know. Not until he called me honeybunch. That’s our code for a false betrayal.”
“What’s your code for a genuine betrayal?”
“No code for that.”
“How do we get out of here?”
“We wait for Hiro.”
“And if he doesn’t show? What if he lied about the fake betrayal? What if it was
a genuine betrayal this time, and he decides to leave us in hanging?”
“He won’t.”
“How do you know that? He’s a narcissistic ninja thief who has betrayed you before.”
“Yes, but this time, he used the code. He’s never lied about it before.”
“The guy who has betrayed you multiple times never lied before?”
“Not with the code.”
“Oh, well, he used the code. Why do I have any doubts?” Tia slapped the table. “That’s crazy.”
She turned to an agent. “It’s not me, right? That’s crazy.”
The agent nodded with a slight smirk. “Yes.”
“I get it,” said a second agent. “He’s sneaky but not dishonest.”
“There’s a difference?” asked the first agent.
“Some people you can’t ever trust, but if someone is honest about being untrustworthy, there’s some wiggle room.”
“Sounds messed-up to me,” said the first agent.
“Relationships don’t always fit into neat little packages,” said the second. “They can be complicated.”
“Thank you,” said Connie.
The guards took a vote, and it was decided four to one against Hiro coming back for Connie and Tia.
“What about you?” Connie asked Tia.
“I don’t even know anymore,” replied Tia.
The lights went out, followed by a brief scuffle in the dark. Somebody bumped into Tia’s chair, knocking her to the floor. She elected to stay down there until the lights came back on.
The guards lay unconscious around Connie. Hiro offered Tia a hand up.
“Told you he’d come back,” said Connie with a grin.
“I’m hurt you would ever doubt me,” he replied. “I did use the code word.”
“Did you get it?” asked Connie.
He held up a small metallic square. “I’m almost insulted you had to ask. Admittedly, it was under heavy guard. Enough to give even a thief of my abilities some pause. You made a wonderful distraction, as always.”
He flashed his trademark devil-may-care grin, and Connie blushed. “Knock it off.”
“Hate to break this up, but how do you plan on getting us out of here?” asked Tia.
“That’s the beauty of my plan. When I was after the spell, most of the guards were here. Now that I have it, most of the guards are so busy looking for it, a getaway will be child’s play.”
The Last Adventure of Constance Verity Page 21
