‘So this is my fault now. Typical, huh? Throw the blame in whichever fucking direction you please, but not here. Not in my fucking direction. I didn’t make you do the things you did.’
‘They took you, Lila. You made me love you. You made me love you more than I’ve ever loved anyone or anything and they took you. So yes, I killed because I love you. I did this because I love you.’
‘And before? Before me, you were just this straight A MIT student who did homework and went to classes? Before me, you weren’t hanging people upside down?’ Her anger ceased to subside.
I took a deep breath. ‘You didn’t want to know who I was before you. You insisted that I didn’t tell you who I was.’
‘And you think that I expected to hear something like this. People have secrets and it’s okay to have secrets. So, no, I didn’t pry when you said you couldn’t fall in love with me because of your past. But that doesn’t mean that I thought you were a fucking psychopathic killer.’
‘I’ve never killed anyone who didn’t deserve to die.’
Again, one of those forced laughs left her perfect, but chapped mouth. ‘So you’re God now. You determine who’s good and who’s not. Who lives and who dies.’
‘Are you trying to tell me that the people that took you were good people?’
‘No, I’m trying to tell you that there’s a huge difference between shooting a man and what you did. There’s killing and then there’s fucking psychopathic killing. It just sickens my stomach to sit here and to look at you. To think of all the people who you’ve drained the life out of. To think of all the ways that you’ve tortured these people. It makes me sick. I can’t- not even for a minute, fathom how a human being can become like you.’
I know that I should have remained calm. That the insults were normal. She was innocent. She had no idea that the world wasn’t as bright and pretty as she viewed it. But it angered me. The way that she ripped me apart and made it seem as though I was still that person; it truly angered me. ‘Your government. Your president. The man you stood in line to vote for. He’s the one who creates people like me,’ I shot back. This seemed to shut her up and though I couldn’t hear the thoughts that were running through her mind, I knew that she was about to understand. I would make sure that she understood. ‘You see, Lila. There are people in this world who you trust. But remember, everyone has a dark side to them. That president that’s out fighting for your rights. The one who wants free healthcare and the elimination of poverty, he’s got a dark side too. But because he can’t take care of all the monsters in this world by himself, he creates people like me to handle them. So yes, after years of being trained how not to feel, I developed a skill that he was never reluctant to put to the test. I was asked to do unmentionable things for your president. I was trained to be who I am, by your president.’
‘That’s one weak fucking alibi. You think I really believe that the President of the United States of America trains serial killers.’
‘I’m not a fucking serial killer, for crying out loud. And yes, I expect you to believe it. As a matter of fact, I know that you believe it. And if you don’t now, you will in a matter of time.’
‘Yeah?’ She turned her head away, hiding the horror that was plastered all over her face.
‘Yeah Lila. When you watch the news and realize that there’s no mention of Harry Peterman, you’ll know that I’m telling the truth.’
‘There’ll be no mention of him because you probably dug the deepest hole to bury him in.’
‘And those guys. The ones that were shot right beside you. Did you see us stop to pick them up?’
She didn’t answer.
‘Of course not,’ I continued, ‘because we left them there. But don’t worry, you won’t hear about them in the news either, because the president’s pretty damn good at keeping this information a secret.’
‘Oh great,’ she waved her hands in the air. ‘This is just great. So, I’m guessing you want me to say thank you for all the hard work you’ve done. For protecting our nation from demons like yourself. You want me to just understand how important the job you’ve done over the past few years is. You want me to come to terms with the fact that the hands that have been holding me at night are the same hands that are capable of killing. The same hands that enjoy killing. But it’s okay, because you did it for the president.’
‘I never said that any of this was okay. And no, I don’t expect you to understand. I just need to you to remember that I love you. That I’ve always loved you and that I’ll do anything in the world to protect you.’
‘Just get out,’ she barked. ‘Just leave me the fuck alone.’
‘So you want to stay here? You don’t want to take me home.’
‘I don’t want anything right now Joe. Except to never see your face again.’
***
‘Iron,’ I yelled, having arrived in the living room to a television show being played at full volume.
Iron reached for the remote and clicked the ‘mute’ button. ‘Yep,’ he turned around.
‘Just wanted to ask if you were hungry. I’m thinking of tossing in some pizzas or something.’
‘Yeah. Pizza sounds good. How are you doing by the way?’
‘Alright, I guess.’
‘She’s not too happy, is she?’
‘More like completely pissed off. It’s tough but I’m sure we’ll get through.’
‘Good luck man. That’s all I can say. Thought she was about to chew your head off in there.’
‘Is that why you turned the volume up so loud?’
Iron gave what seemed like a smile- slightly denting the corners of his emotionless eyes. ‘You could say so.’
I made my way to the kitchen to see that Adam’s freezer was overly stocked with Pizza. Not having a wife to take care of cooking meant that frozen dinners were what his diet mainly consisted of. I tossed three pizzas in the oven and waited in the kitchen while they baked. Though I knew that the chance of Lila eating was low, the least I could do was bring a plate and set it in front of her. She hated me. That was clear. But I knew what it was like to hate me. I’d done a lot of self-hating throughout my life. However, I’d learned to love myself again and I hoped with all my might that she’d be able to do the same. Was the ‘me’ that she’d happened to discover hard to accept? Absolutely. But nothing was impossible.
Once the pizzas were ready, I plated them, dropped one off to Iron and headed to the room where Lila was still snuggled up in the thick floral blanket.
‘I know that you’re still mad at me,’ I started, ‘but please eat something.’
‘I don’t have an appetite,’ she yelled back angrily.
I placed the plate with her pizza on a small table that was situated in the corner of the room and made my way over to her. ‘Lila, I know that this is hard. Trust me, I get it. You fell in love with a man that you thought you knew, only to find that there are things that he did that seem completely unforgivable.’
‘They don’t seem unforgivable. They are unforgivable.’
‘Okay, sure, they’re unforgivable. But the things these men did, they’re unforgivable too. They’ve killed hundreds of innocent people with their senseless bombings. They’ve ruined lives. Destroyed families. And I’m sorry that I’m one of the guys who was in charge of making them pay. I never imagined that my life would have turned out the way it did. At first, yes, I was that MIT student. And then at some point I wasn’t. I had no idea what I was getting myself into until I was already in it. And after all that, the last thing that I had on my mind was to fall in love. At some point, I didn’t think I had a heart and then you came. You helped me to erase so many of those memories from my past but still, I was who I was. And the day they took you, I became who I used to be. I can’t change any of that, Lila. If you want to leave me. If you want to write me off as a monster, that’s completely up to you. But, I’m sorry if I don’t feel bad for going the extra mile to get you back. I’m sorry that all I want i
n this world is to know that you’re safe. There’s no one in this world who can protect you like I can and I need you to know that.’
‘There’s no one in this world who has put me in as much danger as you did.’
‘You thought I saw this coming? I thought that part of my life was over. But these people, they sniffed me out. They sniffed you out and if I didn’t do what I did, you’d end up like Jones’ fiancé. Those same people who took you, they took her first. They blew her head into bits right in front of him.’
Her hand shot to her mouth and for the first time that night, she seemed humbled. ‘I just can’t do this Joe. I can’t erase what I saw. I can’t unthink what I thought of you. I can’t. I just can’t.’
‘Is it going to be hard? Yes. But does that mean that we should just give up? Absolutely not. We can go to counselling. We can move. We can…’
‘Yes. There’s so much that we can do. But there’s also a lot that we can’t do. And as much as I love you,’ she took a deep breath, ‘I don’t know if I can forget. I don’t know if I can ever go on pretending like that part of you doesn’t bother me. I just don’t think I can do this anymore.’
Chapter 15
It’s been two weeks and five days since my wife packed her suitcase and traded the chilly DC air for the warmth of South Florida. It’s been two weeks and five days since I last saw the only face I cared about seeing. She said she needed time; that she wasn’t sure she could continue to be with me. I thoroughly understood the sense of disbelief that had casted itself upon her when she learned about the person I was. However, I couldn’t understand how she could just turn her back and walk away from us. Each minute I was away from Lila was another minute I worried that she’d fall into the hands of another Harry Peterman. She didn’t need to be on the sand forgetting about her husband. She needed to be home, allowing me to provide her with the highest degree of protection. Tracking her phone was an option and one that I’d exercised. My attempts to keep an eye on her led me to seeking Iron’s assistance. He’d helped me to obtain one of the best spy software in existence. And so, I was able to not only know where she was, I was also able to witness her smile, to enjoy the sound of her laugh and to watch her sleep at night. I saw the moments where she broke down just thinking about me; the moments where everything became too much. Just one click of a button. That’s all it took for me to tap into her camera and get a glimpse of what forgetting me was all about. But even with all that, I didn’t feel as though I was in control. I needed more. I needed her.
Knowing that parts of her day were filled with joy gave me comfort. She’d been staying with a friend she met in college. Though she knew not to divulge the information that had sadly fallen upon her, there were moments that I worried about the president’s secret slipping her tongue. Her friend had pried; wanting to know what it was that came between us. Lila’s constant response was that she didn’t want to speak about it just yet.
As far as my friends were concerned, there was only Iron and Tony left. Adam and Jones had disappeared. They’d more than likely picked back up the lifestyle we used to have. But as far as drinking my sorrows away were concerned, there was hardly anyone who I could turn to. The friends that Lila and I had made together were ones I avoided as the only interest they had was in knowing what had happened to Lila and why she’d left. This conversation wasn’t one I wanted to have; it’s not one I could be honest about. So, I was left to my lonesome. Just Joe and Joe alone.
***
The door swung open and out from behind it peeked a face a never thought I’d see again; at least not in person.
‘Lila.’ I jumped to my feet, uncertain if smiling would be an accepted response.
‘I’m back Joe,’ she said, in the smallest of voices.
I wrapped my arms around her, losing myself in the moment. Warm tears streamed down my face as I buried my head into her hair, hints of her lemon scented shampoo tickling my nose.
‘Joe,’ she whispered, wiggling her way out of my embrace. ‘We need to talk. Things won’t go back to normal until we clear up a few things.’
I wasn’t sure if things would ever go back to normal. After all she had learned about me- after leaving the way she did- I knew that life with her would never be the same.
‘Anything you want, Lila,’ I replied, trying hard to keep my hands by my side rather than wrapping them around her again.
She dragged her suitcase along the floor, heading to the room that I’d plastered with photos of her, the crime scene that had been made out of our home and bits and pieces of information that I needed in order to catch Peterman. I knew that I should ripped that room apart and restored it to the way it used to be. However, not thinking that Lila would ever return, I didn’t see the need.
‘Um, Lila, I’m not sure you want to go in there.’
She ignored my words, pushed the door open and froze as she noticed what I’d made out of the place.
‘You were dedicated,’ she said, before closing the door and parking the suitcase in front of it. ‘I think we should move.’
There was too much negativity in this place. Negativity that would hinder our ability to move forward. ‘We should move,’ I agreed.
I stood there, watching her as she looked around the place, perhaps trying to find bits of it that still felt like home. There was a coldness in the apartment and I couldn’t imagine how it felt for her to stride back into a place that had haunted her dreams.
‘We should start looking tomorrow. I’ll call the realtor.’
‘We’ll do whatever you want honey. You want to move, we can get out of here tomorrow.’
‘We can’t find a house that fast.’
‘We can stay in a hotel. Whatever it is you want, just name it.’
She rested a hand gently on my shoulder and squeezed. ‘I’m sorry things happened the way they did.’
‘I’m sorry I allowed them to happen.’
‘It’s not your fault and I understand that now.’
‘It is my fault, Lila. I should have known better than to get too comfortable. I should have known that the past doesn’t just disappear once you move into the future.’
‘I’m happy you didn’t give up until I was safe.’
‘Lila,’ I said softly. She looked at me and smiled a subtly smile. ‘Would it be okay if I kissed you?’
Lila leaned into me, tilted her head and allowed me to take her to place where nothing mattered but her and me.
***
Within a month, we’d packed up our old home and settled into our new. A nice bungalow in the South. The heat a constant reminder that the days were meant to be enjoyed and that the beach was intended for our serenity. For the first time in forever, we were comfortable. Lila’s night terrors occurred less and less frequently and I could tell that her mind was slowly but surely erasing the horrid picture that had been painted of me. She smiled fully. Laughed heartily. And loved wholly. The more she forgot about who I was, the more I forgot about it too.
I finally had everything I wanted again. The only difference was that I slept with an eye open and each move I made was a calculated one. There were many more Harry Petermans in the world, but I made sure that our lives were structured in a way that would keep them out. Lila needed to be kept safe and the only way to do that was to remember that trouble doesn’t warn when it’s coming but if you’re constantly looking out for it, you’ll spot it from a mile away.
Final Word
Thank you very much for reading my book. I hope you enjoyed it and found what you were looking for.
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If you enjoy Dystopian Fiction as much as me, make sure to check out some of my other novels. You can find links to my other titles, as well as a short excerpt of my newest book below.
My other Novels:
Prepper Central (Click Here)
Presidential Cleaning (Click Here)
Band of Preppers I (Click Here)
Band of Preppers II (Click Here)
Prepping for the Unknown I (Click Here)
No Tomorrow (Click Here)
6:00 Hours (Click Here)
The Unforeseen Enemy (Click Here)
Here is an excerpt of my new book ‘The Unforeseen Enemy: A Dystopian Novel’:
Chapter 1
My heart skipped beats, raced and refused to settle down. Through the tiny opening in the curtains, I saw the hooded figures cock their guns and charge towards what should have been our safe haven.
‘Dad,’ I whimpered, fighting back the hot tears that threatened to stream down my cheeks.
This was it; this was our time to feel the same wrath that had fallen upon so many of Parkland’s citizens.
Upon hearing my voice, dad stopped pacing around the room. His trembling fingers running through his short brown hair, his face lined with terror, I could see the defeat in his eyes. ‘Grab something, Liv. Food, batteries, a knife, anything that can fit into your pocket, grab it.’
There was no convincing my tears to refrain from flowing. Mom took dad’s words as her cue to start filling her pockets; moving through the kitchen drawers with rapid speed. For a second, I froze, not wanting to accept that our time had come. That today was the day that we’d be just like everyone else.
Presidential Cleaning: A Psychological Suspense Novel Page 9
