by B L Morticia
“Dude you could’ve still done it. How many black guys with the name Noah live in Seattle?”
“Dunno, but I’d rather have more information before I did it. I placed an ad once just to see if it would work. No one answered it, so… my music will have to be it. I’m making the website live with three songs this weekend, so I’ll see what comes from that.”
* * * *
Noah
After work, I returned to my apartment. The building I’d lived in for the last five years was in a decent neighborhood, relatively clean and safe. The price wasn’t bad either and it was close to work. Even with the promotion, I hadn’t really thought about moving anywhere else because I didn’t need anything more.
Once I parked, I headed inside and took the elevator up to the sixth floor. When it arrived, I stepped off and fished inside my pocket for the keys. I’d found them, unlocked the door and went inside.
“Home.”
I removed my coat and hung it in the closet. After I switched on the lights, I ambled through the living room, into the kitchen.
“Should’ve grabbed dinner on the way in.” Like a true bachelor, I didn’t have much in the fridge.
Take out it is
I yanked the counter drawer open and thumbed through the variety of menus.
Just as I picked up the Chinese one, my phone buzzed. I plucked it out of my jeans and pushed connect. “Hello, Mom.”
“Hi, Noah. You don’t know how to pick up the phone, do you?”
I grimaced and sat on the stool nearby. “I’m sorry. I’ve been so busy, I’ve barely had time for anything.”
“You’re supposed to make time for your family, Noah. You know, I’m proud of you. You’re the only son with a college degree and your career off the ground. Still, you can’t forget us. How many times do I have to remind you that we won’t be around forever?”
“Yes, ma’am. I love you and Dad, okay? Why don’t I stop by this weekend after I go to Laze’s? I shouldn’t be there all night.”
“That would be wonderful. I’ll make your favorite for dinner then. Perhaps I’ll ask your brothers to stop by too.”
I shrugged. “You can if you want. Mike and Leon don’t like being around me since I came out, but…”
“I don’t care how they feel. I told them being gay isn’t a bad thing or a disease. Julian and Rodney accept it, so should they.”
I sighed and looked over the menu. I pushed the speakerphone button, so I could still hear her.
“Noah?”
“I’m still here.” I went to the website and put in the items. “I don’t have a lot to say about my brothers, Mom. Whenever they decide to get over their stupid hang-ups about gay men, I’ll be there. Otherwise, I don’t have a thing to say.”
“I know, baby. They’ll come around. God will help them see the way. He teaches us a lot about loving one another, regardless of differences. We’re all human and unique.”
“Yes ma’am.” I took her off speakerphone and put the headset up to my ear.
“You’re a good son, Noah. You know we’re very proud of you. You’ve set a great example for all your nephews and nieces. The only James man to have a degree.” I heard the smile in her voice.
Feeling the pride swell up within me, I smiled. It was a known fact I was the only James to graduate from college. Honestly, I didn’t shout it from the rooftops, because to me, college was still a personal choice. Although my parents held it in high regard, I refused to make more of it than it was.
“Thanks for the boost of confidence. Anyway, I’ll stop by afterwards, or if it’ll be too late, I’ll come for breakfast or something.”
“Let me know so I can tell the others. By the way, when are you going to find a boyfriend to come by and meet us? I’d love for you to be married so we can attend. Pastor does gay weddings, you know.”
“Yes, I do, but I’m sorry there are no prospects on the radar. Maybe someday, but right now, I’m married to my work. Not fun, but I make enough money to live comfortably.”
My mother chuckled. “Always the realist, Noah. All right. I’ll let you go then. Make sure to let me know when you’re stopping by.”
“I will, Momma. I love you.”
“Love you too, Noah. I’ll see you Saturday.”
“Yes ma’am. Bye.” I waited for her to hang-up, then I put my phone down. I loved how she’d openly accepted me, but I was tired of the pressure to marry.
I wasn’t interested in hooking up with anyone, because work filled all my time.
And…
And somewhere in the recesses of my mind, I hoped Steven would reappear.
While I waited for my delivery, I pressed the music icon on my song and thumbed through the tunes I’d saved. When I noticed Cursed Heart, I tapped the screen and put my cell down to let it play.
For whatever reason, hearing Steven’s voice made me smile, despite the loneliness I’d felt inside. No matter what, I’d continue to hold out hope that we’d meet just so he could sing this song to me.
Chapter Three
Steven
The morning after I recorded the songs in Jules’s studio, I had an appointment with Doctor Bryce Carey. When I nearly overdosed, Bryce was the doctor on call that evening in the emergency room. Once I found out he had a private practice, I requested for him to be my physician. He was understanding, thorough, and frank, among other things. Even more importantly, I could talk to him about almost everything.
When the nurse called my name, she escorted me to the examination room for Doctor Bryce to see me. I preferred to see him at the earliest time of day, so I wouldn’t have a long wait.
“Alright, Steven. The doctor should be in shortly,” the nurse assistant said once she took my vitals. Everything was good, which was a relief. On my last visit, my cholesterol had gotten out of control. Couldn’t have that, knowing I was at risk for more severe heart problems.
The nurse closed the door behind her, leaving me in the exam room alone. Although it was only a clinic, anything with doctors and nurses brought back memories of being hooked up to multiple machines, fighting for my life.
Despite knowing about my bad heart, I partied, popping pills, taking lines, injecting, anything to get the next high. When I nearly overdosed, I promised myself I’d never take things for granted ever again.
“Steven.”
Doctor Bryce’s voice woke me out of my haze. “Hiya, Doc.”
“How are you feeling?”
“Never better. No chest pains or shortness of breath. I did what you told me to.”
“That’s wonderful. Keep doing everything the right way and you should be fine. Just keep your cholesterol low and exercise. Don’t overdo it though.” Doctor Bryce sat on his stool with his back to me. He tapped the keys on the computer to look at my file.
“I won’t. By the way, I’m thinking a short stint on the road. I’m healthy enough to handle it.”
“I agree, but I worry about too many gigs in a short amount of time. Overexertion isn’t good for you. I know you’re anxious to get back into music full throttle, but you must remember to take it easy.”
“I will. I just…” I bit my lip, playing with the paper on the exam table. “Music is in my blood. Being in Jules’s studio makes me want to get back out there. I got enough left in the tank to make some waves in this industry again.”
Doctor Bryce turned around and smiled. “Of course, you do. We need to make sure you’re not killing yourself doing it, that’s all. You’re very talented, Steven and we’d love to hear you sing to the masses for a long time. In order to make that happen, you must comply with certain guidelines, which you’ve been doing. The vitamins, the certain foods, staying away from salt and fatty acids. You also need to monitor your blood pressure and keep in mind, you’re a candidate for diabetes as well.”
“Oh, how can I forget,” I groaned and dropped my gaze.
Doctor Bryce chuckled. “Yes, I know. The possibility of taking insulin isn’t appealing, b
ut it might need to happen. For now, everything looks good. Your vitals are fine. Blood pressure is a tad high. Perhaps anxiety over something?”
Hearing him say that, I looked up. “The new songs are good, the tour, and trying to catch up with Noah again.”
Doctor Bryce sighed. “Still holding out hope for the mystery fanboy?”
“He’s only a mystery because I don’t have a last name.”
“Steven, it was ten years ago. He might’ve moved on, gotten married, or… well…”
“He’s part of the reason I got clean, doc.”
“Okay. That’s all well and fine, but what if — I don’t want to be any more negative.”
“You’ve made your point. Look, I know it’s a long shot, but I’m not giving up yet. I’ve got my guy putting the recordings up there on my website as we speak. If Noah was as big of a fan as he claimed he was, he’ll find me.”
“You don’t give up easily. I will say that. I hope you get your man then, because you deserve to have happiness. You’re been through a lot.”
“Thanks. I’ll never give up trying, because there was a connection there that wasn’t lost over time.”
After talking with the doctor some more, I headed home to meet with my website designer, Rob. I had no skills with website design or any of those things, so I hired a professional. When I greeted Eva, she informed me Rob hadn’t gotten up from the chair to eat. That made me laugh, and I promised her I’d get him to take a break for lunch.
“Rob? How’s everything going?” Rob was sitting at the desk, staring at the laptop.
“Great. I’m just about done. The songs you sent me are killer. Your voice still sounds as good as it did ten years ago.”
“Thanks. I’m trying. Let me have a look at it.”
“Sure.” Rob got up from the chair and invited me to have a seat.
I took it and eyed the screen. The site looked great with my picture at the top, my biography, and old pictures of StarHaze on the right side. A lot of them were photos of me on stage singing, instead of the candid shots, which mostly showed me half dressed with drinks or some chick on my arm. I wanted my music to be the story instead of the so-called glory days. Rob captured that perfectly.
“Looking good, man. You’re a genius.”
“Nah. I’m glad to be working with you on this. You’re the true genius.”
“Definitely not. I don’t know anything about computers other than how to get on the internet and check my email,” I laughed. “So, all they need to do is click this button and they’ll hear a clip of my song?”
“Yep. And on the left, they can watch a couple of StarHaze performances, especially the one from March 2008. The one at Hideaway Point, remember?”
Remembering that evening, I leaned back in the chair and nodded. “Yep. One of my best. Anyway, I really appreciate this. Hopefully the fans still want to hear my voice.”
“Oh, no doubt they do. StarHaze fans are everywhere.”
But I only care about one.
“Well, I’m hoping to turn those people into Steven Sharpe fans.”
“That’ll be easy. You are StarHaze. Those other guys weren’t all that important.”
“Not true, Rob. They were. It wouldn’t have been a band without them. Maybe if we would’ve stayed together…”
“You mean, if they wouldn’t have booted you.” Rob corrected me.
“They had good reason. Jory was a good replacement.”
“So good they broke up a year later,” Rob harrumphed. “Look Steven, you had your issues, but everyone around here agrees that you made StarHaze big. Your songwriting and guitar gave that band heart. Those jokers thought it would be easy to replace you, but as it’s been proven time and time again, you don’t get rid of the lead singer and replace him with any old schmo.”
“Jory was good, just not good enough to take the band any further.”
“Yeah, those guys are all working day jobs now.”
I snorted and sat up straight in the chair. “Yeah, I hope they’re happy, but my main goal to be successful in music hasn’t changed.”
* * * *
Noah
From the time I walked into the office, I’d handled client issues and solved them within a few clicks. I barely had time to catch my breath, but I’d prepared for this the whole time I’d been employed by Inbrotech. Dane and his cronies might not have been the nicest people, but at least they recognized my talent and awarded me for my good work.
After I hung up from what seemed like the fifth call within that hour, I leaned back in my chair and exhaled. If the morning’s activity was any indication, I’d be having lunch at my desk again.
Just as I was about to relax, my cellphone buzzed in my pocket. “Who is this?” I plucked it out and checked the screen. I had no idea why Laze was calling in the middle of the day. “Hey, Laze.”
“What up, Noah? How’s things going?”
“Good. Taking a breather. I’ve been swamped with work since I stepped into the office.”
Laze chuckled. “That’s corporate America for you. Listen, did you know your boy has resurfaced?”
“Who’s my boy?”
“Steven Sharpe. He’s got a website up with new tunes and everything.”
“Really? Good for him.” I played it off and straightened in my seat. My inner fanboy was screaming for me to type it into my laptop, but I refused.
“Aw c’mon, Noah. I know you care.”
“This is what you disturbed me about? I do have a life that exists without Steven Sharpe. Besides, he’s part of my past.”
“Uh huh. Soo, if he’s the past, why haven’t you moved on?”
I tensed. I didn’t really want to let on that I still wished to see Steven again. “Because I haven’t found the right guy to move on to,” I lied. “Besides, I’m busy with my new position.”
“What happens when you get home?”
“Dinner, sleep, and maybe a book if I can keep my eyes open long enough.”
“Makes for a boring life, Noah.”
“Yeah, well I’m a boring person. Listen, is that all you wanted? And by the way, I wanted to go to my folk’s house on Saturday. What time were you having the get together?”
“Way to go changing the subject, man. We’re having it around four. You can stay for the night if you decide to let loose and have a few drinks.”
“I just might do that. I haven’t hung out with you and Andreas in a while.”
“Yeah, you haven’t. We can throw on some metal and rock out like the good ole days.” I heard the smile in Laze’s voice.
“That’ll be great. I guess I’ll be having breakfast with my parents then. It would be better. That way they won’t have to drag Mike and Leon over to their house just to see me.”
“No worries, Noah. I’ll be your bro like always. Me and Andreas.”
Hearing Laze say that brought a smile to my face. I loved Laze so much. “Thanks, Laze. Anyway, I should probably put an order in. It’s almost time for lunch.”
“Alright, I’ll let you go. I sent you the website link just in case you’re interested.”
“Thanks for that. I’ll talk with you later.”
“Okay, bye.”
I pressed the red button, disconnecting the call. When the home screen appeared, I tapped the messenger icon, looking at the link. Sighing inwardly, I waited for the page to load. It appeared with a flash presentation, showcasing Steven’s deep, raspy voice. Once the sound clip finished, Steven appeared on screen, holding an acoustic guitar... his blond hair cascading over his shoulders and the same bright twinkle in his blue eyes. Despite the crow’s feet and wrinkles in his forehead, Steven still looked great. I’d heard he almost died from an overdose, so it was nice to see he’d recovered from that battle with drugs.
Listening to him say hello and welcome, I leaned back in my chair to enjoy the small show. After about a minute, it was over. Pictures, links, and what appeared to be more songs popped up on the page. Instead of
poking around, I opted to listen to the tunes while I worked. I clicked on one called ‘Broken Promise’ and placed my phone on the corner of my desk. Admittedly, hearing his voice again stirred up many memories, but I’d refuse to allow those to infiltrate my brain when I had tasks to complete.
Once the day ended, I returned home. I still had half of a sandwich left, so I opted to finish that for dinner instead of buying something else. After I got undressed, I sat at my computer with my meal. I brought the website up again and played back all the songs one by one. Steven’s voice was still beautiful and clear. He always had a flair, adding some “soul” to his music and I appreciated him for it.
Listening to ‘Broken Promise’ again, I leaned back in my chair, staring into his eyes. The black shirt he wore revealed just enough of his neck for me to tell he’d gotten some new ink there. Too bad I’d never see the work up close.
I made a promise to the one I loved
But they didn’t hear me say it aloud
I never got the chance to voice it again
For that, I ain’t too proud…
Hearing his wails, I closed my eyes to remember that night.
* * * *
Steven and I talked before he shoved me into the men’s bathroom, kissing me with reckless abandon. His breath smelled like whiskey and he tasted like cigarettes. Not all that appealing, but I didn’t care. I had Steven Sharpe in my arms.
Obviously horny, we tugged at each other’s clothes to feel skin. While our tongues were intertwined, Steven stole my breath. I was nineteen years young at the time, so inexperienced, but excited that my make out session was with my favorite singer. No one could’ve drawn up that moment any better.
“I want you.” Steven cradled my face in his hands, trailing kisses from my lips down to my collarbone. He nipped at my flesh, then dragged one palm down my chest until he reached my stomach. “May I?” he asked in a throaty whisper.
“Fuck yes,” I told him, shivering like a leaf in the wind. His touch was electric, creating a buzz in every erogenous zone in my body. I gasped and threw my head back as Steven massaged my crotch through my jeans. He fiddled with the zipper, then yanked my underwear to the side, revealing my dick. Steven held it and gently rubbed my shaft, while darting his tongue inside of my ear.
