Word of mouth is a fantastic way of finding a therapist good for you. Maybe the best way.
Research to find the appropriate therapist/counselor. Find out what model of therapy the clinician uses and determine if that works with your needs. Do what you can to determine a good “fit” between yourself and the clinician. Carefully explore the years of education, the amount of experience they have in dealing with your focus, and to which professional associations they belong. Make sure they have a solid reputation.
Don’t settle.
More than anything, though, ensure that you feel that the therapist/counselor can help you. Does s/he inspire confidence? Do you feel respected? Does s/he listen well to you? Are your concerns heard thoughtfully? Do you feel you can work with him/her? Can s/he disagree with you and challenge you in a way that has you feeling like it is in your best interest? That the hard moments in session are worthwhile moments? If you bring up a problem with the therapy itself, does it get addressed and then resolved in a way that increases your trust in him/her? Do you leave with a fresh perspective?
The most critical factor in choosing a great therapist is feeling s/he is a good fit for what you need.
This book doesn’t help you pick out who you should see, although by reading its pages, you may discover a developing awareness of qualities and skills you want your therapist to have. There are plenty of ways to explore and determine who could be right for you. Talk to friends, go online—attempt finding the right therapist rather like you might pursue finding and purchasing the right car.
Simply put, allow the process to take some time, some consultation and some research.
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It’s not realistic to expect that everyone will find the ideal therapist who is just perfect for them the first time. Sometimes, you do a test drive, and you find it simply isn’t going to work. It is every client’s hope that the therapist they start with will be one that will allow them to do the work effectively. But it doesn’t always happen.
I suspect that the only thing harder than starting therapy for the first time is initiating therapy a second time after a bad encounter.
It’s hard when you feel you don’t “click” with a therapist immediately. It’s a great experience when you feel the “click” even in the first session. That happens, but not always. Rest assured, finding that it will not work with a particular therapist is as normal as trying on a pair of shoes at the store and not having the first ones you try on be comfortable. Sometimes a second session with a therapist is helpful when you had a bad first impression to effectively determine if this is someone you can work with.
If you feel talked down to, or judged, or feel you are being told what to do in ways that stop the process—and when you raise this concern, the therapist doesn’t candidly discuss the matter in ways that resolve it well for you, give yourself permission to try again.
Your personal growth is too important to allow a bad encounter to turn you off from therapy. Pursue therapy again, knowing that you have learned something from a session that didn’t feel right. When you see another therapist, it might be helpful to let the new therapist know that you had an adverse experience, or that, somehow, therapy didn’t fit with that other therapist.
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This book is not about coercing you into therapy. It’s not about guilt tripping you to do something that isn’t right for you. (Though someone may have given you this book hoping it will have that effect on you!) This book seeks to create a respectful space where I can give you some different ways of thinking about therapy.
I invite you to read these pages with curiosity. Curiosity is an openness to learn and explore. It means setting aside judgment (which implies a decision has already been made), which can be hard for all of us to do.
So, I don’t want you to think I’m telling you to go to therapy. I don’t know you and I cannot possibly know what is right for you. But I have been doing counseling for about 20 years and have been speaking to reluctant therapy attenders for that long too. Just as plumbers know more than I about plumbing, and mechanics know more about cars than the average person, I know more about counseling than most. I’m inviting you to listen in on some things I’ve heard and thought about.
Can you do me the favor of not deciding before you read this book that you know counseling is wrong for you? Suspend your decision and explore only the chapters in this book that feel relevant to where you are right now.
Be curious about what happens as you read through these pages:
Is there one story that brings tears to your eyes?
Is there a page that makes you especially angry?
Is there a chapter you know you must skip because you don’t want to know what it says?
Notice these reactions inside of you and wonder what is underneath them. Be gentle with yourself as you explore what is happening. Slow your reading down and just be with your thoughts and feelings. You might think the noticing sounds hokey—ok, I’ll give you that. But wouldn’t you want to know what’s happening? Isn’t that better than ignoring something important that might just be happening? What if your response to what you are reading is an important key that may unlock something inside of you? Don’t we all long to be free of that which holds us back?
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This book is not therapy.
It explores why people go to therapy and intends to set you off in the right direction, but it isn’t intended to replace going to therapy. This book addresses concerns that myself and my colleagues frequently hear. Some of these are put-up fronts to avoid therapy, some of them are legitimate considerations that need addressing in therapy. Others are simply excuses that need to be named as excuses to allow you to go underneath to discover why they thrown out as reasons not to attend.
Please don’t confuse this book as therapy in itself. It’s merely an arrow that points towards therapy in a helpful direction.
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A few notes:
Counseling and therapy are used interchangeably throughout this book. In some circles, counseling can denote discussions that involve more casualness. Sometimes, counseling can connote advice giving. People often perceive “therapy” as more professional and clinical. However, both terms are about spending time with someone who recognizes you as the expert of your story and comes alongside as the expert of the process. As you read, please extend grace if you have a preference for either the term “therapy” or “counseling” over one of these other terms. You’re welcome to mentally substitute one term for another.
In the United States, “counseling” is spelled with one “L” and in Canada, “counselling” has 2 “L’s”—for consistency, one “L” will be used.
Most of the stories I tell are about me or about friends and family who have given me permission to tell these stories. I have used very few general and generic illustrations of clients. Please know that I have amalgamated stories and changed all identifiers so they are no longer about any individual client. The details change information to completely preserve confidentiality but allow me to continue to make an important point.
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Regardless of how this book ended up in your hands, know that I am honored to walk a short bit of your life with you as you contemplate a few of these pages. Know that I understand that it took you courage to accept this book or seek this book, and that I picture you right now reading it as I write these words.
As I picture you reading these words, I smile a little. I like to visualize that a brave person has chosen to consider doing something challenging. I respect folks deeply who value their own growth, and value the impact that they have on others, and are willing to invest in uncomfortable conversations and activities to do just that.
Also, know that I understand that you might feel like a hot mess right now as you read, and the words on these pages don’t help. It might feel like the stories and thoughts only serve to turn up the heat in your life, when it already feels like you’re gettin
g cooked.
I’ve been accused, occasionally, of mind reading.
For the record, I can’t.
However, it might feel like I’m all up in your business at times. I’ve had the profound privilege of listening to people speak vulnerably and deeply to me. They tell me things that I’ve thought myself. They echo the words others have said to me, even though they have never dared speak them out loud before. So often, many are so ashamed of deep thoughts that they have never shared out loud—and then are surprised when they see them on a page, not knowing that anyone else thinks these profound, private thoughts too. We all have far more in common with each other than most people would ever know.
I hope you can find your heart in one of these pages, recognize it, and allow yourself to feel understood.
Read what you can, when you can, and give yourself permission to put it down to take a deep breath, go get a glass of water, or walk around the block.
Know that you may need to put this book on the shelf for a few months and then take it off to read again in a while.
The invitation these pages extend to a fuller life is maybe just a little too much, considering all that is going on right now. Know that you will be able to pick it up again, when the time is right.
Be aware, as corny as it sounds in a book, I am delighted that you would read these words to make an important, potentially life changing choice.
And, most of all, know that I wish you well, regardless of what decision you make about therapy.
Section II Real reasons not to go for counseling
As a therapist, you may think I am biased towards the helpfulness of therapy.
That’s a fair assumption.
I have conversations daily that folks use towards changing the direction of their lives to be more compassionate towards themselves. They seek to connect better with their spouses or children and engage more fully and vitally with their jobs/hobbies/interests. I love spending my days watching brave people make choices to do things differently, allowing for change and growth.
But I also don’t think therapy is right for every situation.
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As a matter of fact, I believe there are circumstances where therapy is not the best choice. At times, (though not as often some people would prefer,) therapy can be a poor choice, and even, sometimes, do harm.
A couple of years ago, an acquaintance of mine got dumped by her husband. They got married less than a year prior. This couple had dreamed and planned for months before the ceremony, planning a future and a life together. They bought a larger home that they intended to renovate to create their nest together. It had a mortgage to match the increased square footage.
He walked away from the house, his wife and his life, just after they moved in.
She, frankly, was devastated. Her kids were confused, and she was crestfallen that the man she thought would be a permanent figure in their lives had bailed on her children too.
She had good friends who were deeply concerned about her, understandably. They asked me to hang out with her on a Sunday morning for an hour because they were concerned she would choose to end her life. They were scared for her. Her friends had good reason to be concerned. She was in a bad way.
These friends of hers were also generous—and they talked amongst each other and collected money. They gave it to her so she could see a therapist for several sessions.
She took the money and bought paint.
She painted her bedroom in this house that was brand new to her—the master bedroom that they had imagined would be their room together when they bought the place. The bedroom that she would now sleep in alone. It got painted a girly colour that she loved and he never would have chosen. She went thrift shopping and discovered some awesome pieces of furniture to put in the room and quirky art for the walls. She spent the weekend creating a cozy nest for just herself that she knew she would love being in.
She explained to her friends that painting the room was therapy for her. She’s an artsy type and putting fresh paint on the wall signified hope when life felt bleak. Changing the color was saying she was going to actively embrace the new opportunities life now offered—even though it wouldn’t be anything she would have chosen.
She told them that the best way to spend the money was to create a space that felt peaceful and safe and cozy—a place that celebrated her unique identity. It was a space where she knew she belonged.
Who were we to tell her she was wrong?
Sometimes, doing the life-giving thing is, in fact:
going on a long trip away
engaging in comforting and creative pastimes such as woodwork, painting, journaling or pottery
taking an extended break from life, or
simply embracing the mundane routine that gives rhythm and meaning to life.
Therapy isn’t always necessary. There are certainly times when you realize what the best thing is for you to do to get through a rough patch. If you know what you need for healing—do it!
Therapy is about being in a space where there is deep and meaningful connection with another human being. The encounter is life altering. However, you may already have the life-giving connections that you need to get through this time. If you are honest with yourself about the quality of those connections—because you can be candid and receive help from those around you—therapy may be unnecessary.
3 Y
ou have a supportive community around you
Therapy didn’t exist even 200 years ago—except perhaps for the very elite. The whole profession has developed rapidly in the last century. This is largely in response to the decreased support that people receive in their lives.
In the 1950’s the size of the typical new home was 950 square feet, up from 750 square feet just after World War II. By 2000, the average new house size is 2,320 square feet![1] North Americans appreciate their space. But all that space to move around in and enjoy—extra bedrooms and bathrooms, extra living areas—all that space also means, very practically, that there is more distance between people.
People move away from family to get a job. They move between cities ripping up roots to start new one. They live in suburbs distant from those with whom they grew up. In this world of hyper-connectivity with cell phones in everyone’s pocket, people might appear more wired into each other. In fact, most spend more time watching YouTube and Netflix than in meaningful conversations around board games or going for long walks with a friend.
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Everybody needs connection—especially when working through difficulty. And we all have difficulty. While therapists provide valued and skilled connection in difficult circumstances, sometimes, the listening ear is best in community. Not everybody needs a therapist. Sometimes, a kind friend is even better.
Some circumstances seem big and scary—what they need is the kindness and caring of someone already in their lives.
Maybe you need not get all fancy and book an appointment with a therapist. Maybe what you do need is to get deliberate about creating meaningful connection with the folks already in your life.
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My youngest son is Jay. His mother died several years ago. The very month he started kindergarten was the month she discovered the breast lump. She had major surgery while he was in kindergarten. Chemotherapy and radiation followed. She was in remission on powerful drugs that affected her everyday while he was in first through third grade. When he was in fourth grade, the cancer came back, this time in her bones. Once it was in the bones, even though she fought hard, it was a losing battle. In the spring, when Jay was in 5th grade, she died.
Car (pronounced “Care”) was a wonderful woman. I knew her because our kids played on sports teams in the community over the years. Sometimes on the same team, more often on opposing teams. We used to occasionally catch up on life visiting in the hallways of the gym. Car was fully engaged with life until her death.
Car loved her kids. Planning fancy birthday parties with elabor
ate home-made cakes and treasure hunts was her thing. She cuddled and played and nourished and nurtured them. Car cared deeply about their friends and their friends’ parents. When she died, it was a huge loss for her children—and the community. A loss with so many layers.
The biggest reason she fought against her death was her desire to continue parenting these kids. She loved being their mom, and she didn’t want to leave the party early.
When she died, there was a huge hole in the household. They all missed her terribly.
Perhaps the hardest part of coping with her death was that she would have been the one to help them through the pain. Car knew what to say and how to say it. She knew when they needed to talk. Car knew how hard to push them to get some of the pain and the hurt now, and wait for more later. Their mother knew how to tend to their hearts. And now when their hearts were broken for her, she wasn’t there to help hold the pieces. She knew when to cut them slack for bad behavior because of the loss. And the times when it would have made sense to insist they continue with regular routines of chores she would have said so. Sometimes, sad kids do better following the normal patterns of life.
I’m married to their dad now. I am, what we call in our household, a bonus parent. His children and I enjoy each other’s company. They like to eat, and I like to cook and bake. That’s a good fit! I help with carpooling, and update things on the calendar so everybody gets to where they should go.
Hell No to Hmmm, Maybe Page 2
