by Wind, Ruth
“Will any of them give it?” Tanya asked.
“What do you think? We have a bus going to town to pick them up and one to take them back. The parents don’t have to do a thing.” He watched Desmary writing. “We have to read it, abuelita.”
“I can read it,” Tanya said, as Desmary smacked his arm.
“We have to come up with decorations and music and maybe some kind of game, so we can give prizes. I’ve got movie passes and roller skating passes. We ought to come up with something else, too.”
“Okay.” Tanya inclined her head. “Why not a dance contest or something like that?”
“That might work.”
Desmary handed the list of food to Tanya, who scanned the paper quickly and folded it to put in her jeans pocket. “Sure you’ll be all right without me?”
A bright twinkle brightened Desmary’s eyes. “I’m fine. You two go on.”
“Good.”
Tanya fetched her jacket and purse from her room, and met Ramón on the front steps. “Ready.”
“Me, too,” he said in a husky voice.
Tanya smiled.
Edwin was in the yard, raking leaves beneath the path of cottonwoods that lined the road to town. He paused to salute ironically at the pair of them. “Don’t forget to bag the leaves,” Ramón called.
Edwin lifted an orange trash bag, printed with a jack-o-lantern. “Gotcha.”
As they climbed into his truck, Tanya asked Ramón, “Why isn’t Edwin in school?”
“He has been suspended. And last night, there was an altercation in the dorms. Guess who was at the center of it, as usual? He’s right on the edge. Won’t be long now till he either hangs himself with his behavior and ends up in the state detention center, or realizes he doesn’t have a prayer unless he straightens up.”
“I know where I’ll put my money,” Tanya said darkly.
“You really don’t like him, do you?”
“No, I really don’t. Gut instinct.”
“Well, I’m obligated to see that he gets the same chance as everyone else.”
“I know. I wasn’t suggesting he should have less of a chance.” She pursed her lips, wondering if she ought to mention the letter Tonio had written to Teresa. She had the feeling Tonio had spilled his emotions to her because he trusted her to say nothing, and since Edwin wouldn’t be in school today, perhaps there would be no trouble over the letter anyway. She chose to keep quiet.
About a mile from the ranch, Ramón pulled the truck over under a copse of lonely trees.
“What are you doing?” Tanya asked.
“This.” He moved out from behind the steering wheel and slid over the bench seat until Tanya was neatly trapped between him and the door. She smiled up at him. “You’re making me a sandwich?”
“Only if I can eat you,” he said with a wicked lift of one dark brow. His lips claimed hers, wet and hungry and sensual. “Mmm,” he said, rubbing her arm. “I’ve been dying to do that all morning.”
“Maybe I ought to cool you down, then,” Tanya teased in return, and stuck her cold hands under his shirt.
He jumped. “I’ll get you for that, woman.”
“I’m real scared.”
The dark eyes sobered, and he touched her face. “Never be afraid of me, cricket. Not ever.”
Tanya gripped his shirt front, thinking of what she’d told Desmary this morning about young girls. This was the sort of man she wanted for all the women of the world—a kind man, a good one, who could love children and tend animals and make love like Casanova himself. What more could any woman ask than Ramón Quezada? “I’ll never be afraid of you, Ramón.” She kissed him, her eyes open so she didn’t have to stop looking into the depths of those rich, promising eyes.
His hand, cold as her own, snaked under her sweater and bra and closed on her breast. Tanya squealed and tried to squirm away. “Paybacks,” he said, and laughing, kissed her quickly, then let her go.
* * *
The afternoon was filled with the same kind of teasing, all of it edged with a giving sensuality Tanya had never experienced. With Victor, sex had been a dark and deadly serious thing.
Not so with Ramón. At the library, he stood behind her, very close, and, making sure no one could see him, bent to nibble her ear until her knees were weak. He caught her in a deserted section and pressed her back against the wall and kissed her senseless, then walked away whistling as if he’d done nothing. At the restaurant where they stopped for coffee, he leaned over and whispered naughty descriptions of what he wanted to do to her body when he got her alone again. Tanya blushed, but his words were poetically couched and never crude—the pictures they made in her mind made her hips soft.
Under the table, she teased back, letting her hand drift higher and higher on his leg as he talked. When she neared her destination—then stopped just short—his whispering ceased and Tanya looked up mischievously. “You were saying?”
He laughed.
They stopped by the clinic so Tanya could have her stitches removed, and the cut looked red and raw, but she could tell it would be fine. A thin scar might remain, but not much of one.
The last stop was the drugstore. Tanya waited in the truck while he went in. Teenagers, recently released from school, milled in the streets of the small town. Some of them hung on the corner talking, in the ancient tradition of those too young or too poor to drive. A gaggle of girls, their eyes lined with thick black liner, hair teased over their foreheads, walked together toward the drugstore. A young couple, a slim small girl and a long-limbed boy, strolled down the street, in no hurry to be anywhere. Tanya watched them, caught in their yearning discomfort. The boy leaned close, then away. The girl swayed his direction, then caught herself. From the back, it was impossible to tell how old they were. Tanya smiled when the boy managed to capture the girl’s hand, and she looked up at him, and they kissed, awkwardly at first, then with more passion.
Tanya glanced away, unwilling to intrude. But a small detail of something snagged her peripheral vision and she glanced back. The backpack the boy carried had a large green political button pinned to it—and Tanya knew just what it said: Save the Rainforest.
It was Tonio. Now she could tell, even at this distance, even though his clothes and hair were the same as a half a dozen other boys on the street. No doubt the girl was the infamous Teresa, who looked impossibly small to be the center of such a tempest.
Ramón climbed back in the truck and patted his pocket with a wicked lift of his eyebrows. When Tanya didn’t respond, he said, “What is it?”
She lifted her chin and gestured in the traditional Southwestern method of avoiding the rude point of a finger. “Tonio.”
Ramón caught sight of the pair and sighed. “Ah, hell.” He watched them, pursed his lips, and swore again. “He’s supposed to be at debate club this afternoon.”
“What are you going to do?”
He shook his head. “There’s no law against him taking a girl to get a soda, but I hate to think he’s been lying to me.”
“I don’t think he has. That’s surely Teresa, and she’s been going with Edwin.”
“How do you know so much about this?”
“Tonio talked to me about it.”
Ramón measured her. “And you didn’t say anything?”
“Say what, Ramón? He wanted to talk to a woman about a girl, and I was handy, that’s all.”
With a pensive expression, Ramón watched Tonio and Teresa join hands once more and head for the ice-cream shop on the corner. They were smiling at each other as they went inside. “I don’t like this situation. At all.”
Tanya shook her head. “It’s trouble, all right.”
“Damn.” Ramón started the truck and backed out.
* * *
Ramón felt choked as they drove back to the ranch. His earlier mood of sexy playfulness evaporated; killed by the specter of the possible danger Tonio had put himself in. Or maybe the danger Ramón had put him in—because if he hadn’
t had his heart set on running this ranch for troubled boys, Tonio wouldn’t be in this position.
Not like this.
Ramón also felt guilty about the fact that he’d been buying condoms for himself when he was about to give Tonio the standard lecture about sex.
It was true he was an adult, and therefore capable of making decisions that were beyond the capacity of a fourteen-year-old. It was also true that Ramón had not given enough thought to the consequences of a sexual relationship with Tanya. It was his libido that was engaged, his libido turning him into a version of a randy teenager. He’d been completely unable to keep his hands off her today, had thought of nothing but getting her into his bed tonight and making love to her thoroughly and completely.
He’d given no thought to what would come afterward. And when he’d seen Tonio kissing his girlfriend, a vision of himself kissing Tanya in the library flashed before his eyes.
Do as I say, not as I do.
That had never been the way Ramón did things. He believed in the old-fashioned method of providing an example for boys to emulate, not setting down a list of arbitrary rules. He didn’t drink, not because he had problems with it, but because so many boys did. He didn’t smoke, even though he missed it, because he wanted to be a good role model. When he had carried on his affair with the teacher in town, he’d been very discreet, and careful to handle everything away from the ranch.
But with Tanya, he’d lost control. She had come to his room trustingly to tell him something, and he’d seduced her, knowing she was vulnerable, that she was ripe to be made love to, that she needed it.
Nice justification.
On the far end of the bench seat, Tanya sat with crossed arms, staring with no expression out the window. A sorrow pierced him. There was no possible way to keep such a thing secret at the ranch. The boys would start gossiping about her. They might even make remarks to her face.
And that would hurt her.
In sudden decision, he pulled over, this time on a lonely stretch of naked road. Across a vista of dry prairie grasses and swords of yucca, the mountains were a jagged blue line under a frosting of clouds. He turned off the engine and sat quietly, trying to think of the right way to word his thoughts.
“Tanya,” he began.
She looked at him, her vulnerable deep blue eyes wide in her face, a face that showed the strength of her in ways he doubted she even guessed. The authority of experience lived in the cut of her mouth. The courage that had seen her survival burned in her eyes. Character had painted a face of honor and sensitivity.
He closed his eyes. Somehow these past few weeks, he had fallen in love with Tanya Bishop. Not the infatuation of a randy boy, but the sustained and powerful love of a man who had learned what was important in a mate. Tanya had everything he ever hoped to find.
And if things were different, if fate had not cheated them so cruelly, he might have been able to say to her now, “Marry me.” A marriage would be a good thing for the boys at the ranch to see, an honorable, passionate union between a man and a woman. At the thought, he felt a deep and powerful yearning to make it so.
But it wasn’t fair to use Tanya’s long unfulfilled hunger to be complete for his own ends. He could make love to her until she was senseless—heaven knew how much he wanted that—but she wasn’t the kind of woman to take sex lightly.
Nor was he that kind of man. When he’d imagined making love to her tonight, it had been with the wish that they become one, that they create a precious and mighty union of souls.
If he actually made love to her, if he allowed them to be joined, allowed the mingling of souls that would accompany such an act for them, he would never have the strength to let her go and find her own life.
“We’re going to have to cancel our appointment for tonight,” he said at last.
“I know.” Her voice was resigned.
“It isn’t for lack of—”
“Ramón, please don’t go into all kinds of explanations. Let’s just leave it at this. There are complicating factors we both understand.”
He caught her and tugged her close to him, putting his face against her hair. She clung to him, and he felt her take a huge, shuddering breath. “I want you, Tanya,” he said into her neck. “I wanted to teach you—”
Abruptly, she lifted her head and covered his mouth with her fingers. Cold fingers. “No more. I don’t want to hear anymore.”
She extricated herself and scooted back to her place by the window.
Ramón, feeling the weight of a box of condoms in his pocket, started the truck and drove back to the ranch. It was the right decision, the moral decision, but that didn’t mean he had to like it.
* * *
An almost palpable glow hung around Tonio that evening. Ramón kept his peace throughout supper, but afterward, he asked Tonio to stay when Tanya got up to help in the kitchen. In a minute, she came back with a steaming mug of coffee for him. She set it before him, and asked Tonio if he wanted anything. When he refused, she faded away.
Some women rebelled at performing such chores for men. Some women would also find Tanya’s acceptance of work in the kitchen degrading. But she seemed to take joy in the small gestures that made people comfortable—she liked taking care of people, tending them, making their lives easier. A rare and precious thing.
“What’s up, Dad?” Tonio asked, shaking Ramón from his reverie.
Ramón cleared his throat and hunched forward over his coffee, putting his hands around the heat of the mug. “Did you have practice this afternoon?”
Instant guilt shuttered Tonio’s features. “Uh, no.”
“You were pretty late home, if you didn’t go to practice. What did you do?”
Tonio frowned. “Why do I get the feeling you already know?”
Ramón sipped his coffee.
“I went to Fiddler’s for an ice-cream soda. That’s not so bad.”
“No. Except I thought you were at practice. What if something had happened and I needed to find you right away?” He sighed and shook his head—he promised himself he’d be honest with this child whenever he could. “That’s not even the real problem for me, Tonio, although I wish you’d remember to call when you change your mind about where you’ll be.”
“Sorry.”
“I saw you in town,” Ramón said. “With the girl. Is that Teresa?”
Faint color gave warmth to Tonio’s dark skin. “Yeah.”
“I don’t want to stick my nose in where it doesn’t belong, son, but—”
“Then don’t.”
“I have to. You’re not thinking with your head, but with your emotions. Emotions can get you into trouble.”
“They won’t. I’m not!” He shoved back from the table in frustration and looked away. But he didn’t quite dare to leave, and that was a good thing.
“How do you think Edwin is going to react when he hears about it? And why do you want to be with a girl who can’t make up her mind?”
“She can make up her mind. She’s coming to the dance with me.”
“Yesterday, she was going to be Edwin’s date.”
“That was before I told her—”
“Told her what?”
“Nothing.” Tonio shook his head. Arcs of light caught in the glossy blackness of his hair. “Just leave me alone, okay?” He jumped up.
“Sit down.”
Tonio sat, mutinously staring at Ramón.
“It’s not just the fighting I worry about,” Ramón said quietly. “I worry about you getting in over your head with this girl.”
“Over my head?” he sneered.
Ramón eyed him. “I’m talking about sex, Antonio. It’s too important to take lightly.”
Tonio bowed his head, and Ramón knew he was right to bring it up. The thought—maybe more than the thought—had crossed the boy’s mind.
“I’m not naive enough to believe you’ll hold out forever, but I wish you would take time to really think it through. Sex is deep, Antonio. It
’s supposed to bind you to another person, soul to soul, and anything else makes it cheap.”
Tonio didn’t speak. He kept his head bowed.
“Just promise me you’ll think about it.”
The boy nodded. “I will.”
“I trust you to do the right thing, you know.”
“Thanks.” Tonio stood up. “Can I go now? I have some homework to do.”
“Sure.”
A sharp gust of wind struck the farmhouse as Tonio ambled out of the room. Ramón heard the windows rattle and wondered if it would snow. It would suit his mood.
Body to body. Soul to soul. Binding and deep and important. He sipped his coffee and sighed. He wished so much for that joining with Tanya that he could barely breathe. He wanted to meld with her, become one with her. He wished there was some way to do it fairly.
Damn. He didn’t want Tanya to go anywhere or find any other life. He wanted her to take the place he had for her here, in his life, in his heart, next to him.
But he couldn’t ask it. Not yet. Not until she’d had some time to find her own life first. It wouldn’t be fair.
Fair. What a mockery life always seemed to make of that word.
Chapter Twelve
Dear Antonio,
I saw the parole board today. They are going to let me go. I can hardly believe it. And as if that weren’t enough joy for one day, Ramón has written to say it was never his wish that you and I be separated. He offered me a job at the ranch, cooking, when I’m done with the program at the halfway house. It’s hard to believe I will actually see you again one day soon.
Love, Mom
On the night of the dance, Tanya dressed carefully. Her thoughts were on Ramón, and his decision to not have sex with her. She pretended to accept it.
But her body had not accepted his decision. The night they’d seen Tonio in town with his girlfriend, when Ramón had so hastily retreated, Tanya had lain awake for hours, her body on fire. She wanted to make love to him, as they’d planned. She wanted to hear his low groans, and touch his hair and feel his mouth upon her breasts. She wanted to hold him, be joined, and shatter with him.
She wanted him. It seemed almost decadent to be so clear about it, but she didn’t lie to herself. She wanted him in the worst—no, make that the best—way.
