by Jackie Wang
I crouched down until I was eye-level with my daughter. Squeezing her shoulders I shook my head. “No, I owe you everything. I wasn’t there when you were growing up. I missed out on everything. Your first steps, first words, first day of school. I thought taking the fall for your mother would somehow make her clean up her life. Make her realize her mistakes and channel all her energy into loving and raising you. I’m sorry, Kara. I messed up. I was young and stupid and I messed up. But I’m here now, and I’m going to make it up to you. I promise.”
“It all worked out in the end, Dad. Bianca is the best mom in the world and I couldn’t have asked for better siblings. I love them and they are an amazing family. It worked out.” Kara sank her head into my shoulders and sobbed quietly. “I’m so glad I finally met you, Dad. I’ve waited all my life for this.”
“I love you, Kara. I love you so much,” I murmured into her hair. “I’m never going to leave you again. I’m here now, and I’ll be the best goddamn father in the world. I’ll be there for every school dance, every Christmas musical, every parent-teacher conference, I swear.”
“But what about Rachelle? You live with her here, in Westbridge.” Kara’s statement felt like a stab to the gut.
“We’ll make it work, I promise. I’ll make it work.” I stood up, took Kara’s hand and we started walking again. I had to make this work. “C’mon, I’ll show you a really cool park nearby.”
We spent the next two hours meandering through Callyn Park, a large park bordering one of Westbridge’s largest natural lakes. While we watched ducks, I asked Kara about her childhood; the good, the bad, and the ugly. She told me about her rough elementary school days, about the bullying, teasing and endless detentions. She never understood why she acted out, or why she was different, and for the longest time, she hated herself for looking so different from everyone else. She went through years of therapy but had to stop when Bianca could no longer afford them. They were destitute after Bianca’s ex-husband left, and Kara had withdrawn into herself because she always felt like a burden to her family.
“It wasn’t until I met Rachelle and learned more about you that I started feeling better,” Kara said with a small, crooked smile. “I had something to look forward to every single day. That kept me going. The thought of meeting you kept me going. Rachelle said I needed to work hard in school so you’d be proud of me. Said I could show you all my achievements and make you the happiest dad alive. I listened to her, tried hard and I ended up feeling proud about all my accomplishments. I’ve turned over a new leaf, Dad.”
I wanted to hug the life out of her. Who was this fierce and determined little girl who acted and spoke with so much maturity? She was nothing like me or Trisha. I was beyond glad. She was spirited and intelligent and she pushed forward when life held her back. She broke free despite her setbacks, and she soared to new heights. She embodied everything Trisha and I wasn’t.
“You make me the proudest Dad alive,” I said, tears welling up in my eyes. “Never forget that. I’m so, so proud of you.”
Kara gave me a weak punch in the arm. “Dad, don’t cry. You’re losing your street cred.”
I hugged Kara close, letting the tears fall freely. “I don’t need street cred, baby girl, I just need you. Seeing you so happy erases all my pains and aches, baby. Makes the last twelve years worth it.”
Chapter Thirty-One
Rachelle
When I was seven, my dad left for a work conference in Munich. It was a two-week long event, but it felt like two months. No matter how many phone calls we shared, it never felt like enough. I missed him with every fiber of my little girl self, and counted down the seconds till his return. Growing up, I never really appreciated my dad; I took him for granted. It wasn’t until he was diagnosed with lung cancer last year that I finally realized the extent of his mortality. He was in remission now, but his diagnosis taught me a valuable lesson. Every day I had left with him was a precious gift.
I couldn’t even begin to imagine what it was like for Kara to grow up without a father. Knowing that she was abandoned by both parents at birth, and then raised by her single mom aunt. She must’ve suffered from abandonment issues to some extent. There was no way Kieran could make up for thirteen years of lost time, but I was glad he took the first, crucial step. After all, the first step was always the hardest.
“So, how was Daddy-Daughter Day?” I asked when the father-daughter duo walked in.
Kara and Kieran shared conspiratorial grins. “Dad lost all his street cred today,” Kara said. “That’s all I’m going to say.”
“Kieran’s a big softie under that tough shell of his,” Bianca said. “Everyone knows that.”
“So, Kara finally managed to do the impossible.”
“What’s that?” Kieran asked.
“Break down all your walls.”
“They were already crumbling, thanks to you,” Kieran admitted. “Kara just threw the final punch.”
“Sounds like you two had a good heart-to-heart,” I said.
“Enough mushy-gushy talk. What’s for dinner?” Kieran asked, changing the subject.
“Steak and potatoes,” I replied, gesturing to the marinated steaks on the counter. “We’ve been waiting for you two to come home.”
“I’m starving,” Kara said, taking off her jacket and slinging it on the sofa.
“Dinner will be ready in twenty minutes,” I said. “Why don’t you set the table, sweetie?”
Kara nodded and made a beeline for the cutlery drawer. The gentle clinking of forks meeting knives filled the air.
“Am I the only one who doesn’t know his way around this condo?” Kieran asked.
“You will soon enough,” I said, hoping my words would convey how much I wanted him to stay.
They had the opposite effect. “I think I’m going to start job and apartment hunting tomorrow,” Kieran said. “Can’t stay here forever.”
“You’ve got a sweet pad right here,” Bianca said, scanning the room. “Why leave?”
“I don’t want to burden Rachelle,” Kieran said. “She’s got enough on her plate. Her final exam’s coming up. She doesn’t need me distracting her.”
I lifted up a juicy T-bone steak and put it in the grilling pan. It sizzled and cackled, the aromatic scent of sautéed garlic filling the room. My lips quivered, and I wasn’t sure how to reply to Kieran’s statement.
“Honey, have you even asked Rachelle whether or not you’re a burden to her?” Bianca continued. She was dicing potatoes at a rapid-fire pace and plopping them into a boiling pot of water.
“I—”
“Why don’t you ask Rachelle how she feels about you staying?”
“Bianca,” I said in a warning tone.
“Go on,” Bianca said, nodding toward me. “Ask her.”
“Bianca!” I said again, cheeks flushed.
“Do you want me to stay?” Kieran asked, walking toward me.
“I…Of course I do,” I said, avoiding his gaze. “I told you that yesterday morning.”
“I don’t want you to do this out of pity,” Kieran said, hard eyes trained on me.
“I don’t pity you,” I said. “I…I care about you.”
“Just tell him you love him and then let’s eat some steak already,” Bianca said, prodding me in the arm.
“Rach?” Kieran said, brows arched.
“I didn’t say anything. Bianca’s just making shit—I mean stuff—up,” I stammered.
“I only call it like I see it,” Bianca said, shrugging. “And I see two people in love with one another.”
I blushed even harder, turning my attention back on the steak. “I’ve got a T-bone to cook. Stop distracting me. All of you.”
As Kieran helped Kara set the table for four, I couldn’t help but admire how close they’d gotten. Over the course of the afternoon, their relationship had blossomed. Now they shared easy laughter and even a few inside jokes. I couldn’t be prouder. Kieran was a great dad. I always knew he wo
uld be. He just needed someone to push him in the right direction.
Over juicy steaks, Bianca asked Kieran about his plans for the future. “What kind of job are you planning to get?”
“Anything I can find, really. I’ll be thankful if any half-decent place will hire an ex-con with twelve years on his record,” Kieran replied. “I used to work at a car wash. That might be the first place I look into.”
“I can ask around for you,” I offered.
“Nah, I doubt any lawyers will want to hire someone like me.”
“Don’t say that, Kieran. You’re innocent. You’ve paid your dues and then some. Any fair employer wouldn’t—”
“Rach, there’s no such thing as fair. Only what is, and what isn’t,” Kieran ground out. “And on paper, I’m unemployable.”
I put down my fork. “You’re giving up before you’ve even started.”
“Just calling it like I see it.” Kieran shrugged, chewing thoughtfully.
“Don’t be such a pessimist, Dad, Rachelle is just trying to help,” Kara pointed out.
“Thanks Kara.” I smiled. “At least someone agrees with me.”
After dinner, Kieran asked to borrow my laptop so he could do some job searching. I agreed. While Kara and Bianca binge-watched Iron Chef, I sat beside Kieran, helping him on his hunt. I browsed Craigslist on my smartphone, pulling up potential full-time and part-time listings he might like. Between mouthfuls of ice-cream, I pointed out the pros and cons of various odds-and-ends jobs. He had an excuse for each and every one of them.
Too far to commute. He didn’t have enough related experience. The job explicitly asked for someone with a driver’s license and no criminal record. He didn’t have a bachelor’s degree. He couldn’t speak Mandarin. He didn’t know the first thing about power tools. I was gobsmacked by how many ridiculous excuses he flung my way. After half an hour I threw up my arms and wanted to scream. “Do you even want a job?”
Kieran recoiled. “Of course I do.”
“Then stop making fucking excuses,” I hissed under my breath. “Kara looks up to you. Thinks you’re her hero. And here you are, whining about how you’ll never get a job.”
“It’s not that simple or easy, Rach.”
“Yes. It. Is,” I ground out. “You just need to make a new email and start sending out your resumé. I can help you make an account on NBJobSearch and WorkZone.”
“I appreciate your help but—”
“No buts, just do,” I said, pointing angrily at my laptop. “Now start writing your resumé. I want it done by tonight.”
Kieran looked shocked, then bemused. “I’ve never met anyone who roots for me the way you do.”
I rolled my eyes. “That’s because I want you to stop sleeping on my goddamn couch,” I teased.
Kieran drew his lips in a firm line. “I will, I swear. I’ll take any shit job, as long as they want me.”
“Well, don’t go too crazy,” I said, softening my shoulders. “Don’t undersell yourself too much. Be confident. Employers like that.”
“Thank you, Rachelle. You’re a lifesaver.”
Chapter Thirty-Two
Kieran
“Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you…” I sang.
“Dad, you’re terrible at singing. Stop,” Kara complained, rolling her eyes.
“What, are you embarrassed by your old man or something?” I asked, scanning the restaurant. A few people were looking at the four of us and smiling.
Rachelle had recommended this quaint, family-style restaurant for Kara’s thirteenth birthday celebration. Lovell’s Eatery was tucked between several pastry shops and bistros on McKnight Street, and I almost missed it when we were looking for a parking spot. The exterior was nothing to write home about, but the interior had an eclectic charm that Kara immediately adored. We’d feasted on fresh, homemade lasagna, a hearty beef stew, garden greens and the best spicy wings I’d ever tasted. Most importantly, Kara’s huge smile never left her face. Stuffed to the limit, Rachelle told us that it wasn’t over yet. That’s when the server brought in a fifteen-inch blueberry cheesecake with a lit sparkler on top. Of course, I broke out in song, much to the embarrassment of my fellow guests.
“Make a wish,” Bianca encouraged.
Kara clasped her hands together and shut her eyes. She murmured something under her breath just as the sparkler fizzed out. Rachelle seized the opportunity to snap a few photos of the birthday girl. It had been the perfect day.
Kara looked absolutely radiant. She wore a pastel green dress that Rachelle had bought for her birthday and matched it with strappy leather sandals and a beaded purse. She wasn’t a little girl anymore. She was a teenager now, and I was discovering for the first time just how unpredictable and independent teenagers could be. When I’d insisted on taking her shopping earlier for a present, Kara had vehemently denied my request, stating that she already had everything she could ever ask for: a dad. Of course, that didn’t stop guilt from eating me up inside. It was true, I couldn’t afford to get her anything nice, but that fact made my stomach sour with regret. Rachelle had comforted me by saying, “The best gift you can give her now is your time.” So I promised to spend as much time with her as possible.
Bianca had to go back to work early the next morning, so they were planning to leave shortly after lunch. I hated that they couldn’t stay longer, but knew that Bianca couldn’t afford to take an extra day off work just to indulge me. Which was why I decided to go to Seattle with them. I’d made my decision before we even entered Lovell’s. It was the best gift I could think of, and I knew Kara would love it. I wasn’t ready to part with my daughter after a two-day visit. I needed to spend more time with her.
After Bianca cut the cake and served us each a slice, I made my big announcement. “Kara, I have a gift for you,” I began. I squared my shoulders, pushed back the chair and stood up.
Bianca, Kara and Rachelle trained their eyes on me.
“I said I didn’t want anything,” Kara said. “You didn’t have to buy me anything.”
“I didn’t exactly buy you something,” I said. “It’s more of an announcement.”
“Oh?” Bianca said. “What?”
“I’d like to go to Seattle with you two. Two years ago, I broke the law just so I could see Kara. I didn’t quite make it then, but I’m determined to make it this time. Now I’ve got nothing holding me back. No parole terms, no parole officers, cops. I want to spend more time with you, baby.”
Rachelle’s jaw dropped.
Kara sat still, tears pricking her lash line. “I don’t know what to say.”
“Say yes, baby,” I said, taking her hand. “Just say ‘yes’.”
“Hon, what about Rachelle?” Bianca asked. “Did you talk it through with her first?”
Rachelle straightened her back and smiled. “Of course I want him to go. Two days isn’t enough to make up for twelve years.” Turning to me, she added, “I think it’s a fantastic idea, Kieran.”
I nodded. “Thanks, Rachelle. I didn’t want to inconvenience you anyway. I’ll continue job searching while I’m there, and…”
“Not that you’re not welcome, Ki, but I do live with four kids. It’s a bit of circus show at my place,” Bianca added. “You won’t mind?”
“I could stay at a motel…” I began.
“No brother of mine is staying at a motel when I have a perfectly good couch with your name on it,” Bianca interrupted.
“It’s settled then,” I said, lips tugging into a smile. “I’m going to Seattle.”
Kara flew into my arms and squeezed me tight. “This is the best birthday present ever, Dad! I love you!”
It was the first time she’d ever said those three words to me, and I’d never forget the light in her eyes when she said them. “I love you more, baby girl.”
“So, this is it, huh?” Rachelle asked, leaning against her doorway.
After leaving Lovell’s, Bianca and Kara decided to do a little souvenir shoppi
ng while Rachelle and I went home to pack. To be honest, I didn’t really have anything to pack. But I was glad we had some time to say our farewells. I knew my impromptu decision might upset Rachelle, but I hoped that my explanation would help smooth things over. After all, I did owe her an explanation, even if we weren’t dating.
“Rachelle…You understand why I’m doing this, right?” I asked.
She nodded, looking away. “Of course. Kara comes first. You need to do what’s right for the two of you.”
“Rach…Look at me,” I said, my fingers brushing against her elbow. “I’ll be back. It’s just a short visit. I’d like to see where Kara’s been living all these years, and meet Bianca’s other children.”
“I know, I get it,” Rachelle said, lips wobbling.
“You seem upset. Are you upset?”
“No. I’m happy for you,” she said. “Honestly. I’m just so happy to see you two finally reunited. It’s been too long.”
“Tell me about it.” I gripped both her arms and looked her in the eyes. “I’ll be back within a week. Rach, this isn’t goodbye.”
“What if you find a job in Seattle? You have no reason to live in Westbridge. Your family is in Seattle.”
“I have you. You’re my reason,” I said. “And Cam lives in Northbridge. I still have to go see him. My parents are buried in Northbridge Cemetery as well. This—us—it’s not over.” I leaned in and kissed Rachelle on the forehead. She sighed. “Rach, I’m going to find a way to be the man you deserve. I won’t stop until I succeed.”
Rachelle stood on tiptoes and planted a light kiss on my lips. “I’m going to miss you,” she said in a half-whisper.
“You deserve more than I can give you right now. I need some time to prove myself to you. Until then, I don’t want to take this relationship any further.”
“Kieran…”
“I’ll be back,” I promised again.
“You better,” Rachelle murmured.
