“Why’d you do that?”
“We were broke up.”
I sighed. “Well, I guess this is it, then. It was nice while it lasted.”
Julian laughed. “Okay, hot pants. I would think after eighteen years you’d be more patient. I’m the one who knows what I’m missing.”
I lay back down, pulling Mr. Bear’s arm back over me. “I bet you didn’t make such a production out of your first time.” Then my mind wandered. “Who was it?”
“You know, it’s not cool to talk about exes.” I heard the door slam, and I realized he was back at his house.
“Do you have any exes?”
“Not really.”
“Oh my god.” The sudden realization put a lump in my throat.
“What?”
My eyes pressed closed. “It was Renee, wasn’t it? Were you hers?”
“This is why talking about exes isn’t such a great idea.”
“Do you consider Renee one of your exes?”
“No.”
“Why not?” I felt a flash of jealousy again. “Is she still a possibility?”
His voice was a whisper, and I figured he was inside his house. “Are you trying to trick me?”
“You were just with her at the bonfire.”
“And I left her there to be with you.”
I thought about what happened that night. They were on a date, and yes, he’d left her to come to my house. But how had he left her? “Did she think you two were together as a couple?”
“I don’t think Renee thinks of me that way.”
“I think you’re wrong.”
“Well, even if I am, I don’t think of her that way.”
I remembered her sitting on his work table, neckline plunging. “She is just so… so…”
Julian laughed. “You don’t have to be jealous of Renee.”
“She is always waiting for you.”
“She’s really not.”
“Oh, please.” I rolled my eyes. “I saw her clutching your arm. She’s like a vulture. Or a—”
“Hey, know what?”
“What?”
“I love you.”
I bit my lip. “I love you, too.”
“And I’m home now. So you give that imagination a rest, okay?”
“You’re working tomorrow?”
“Yep. But I’ll call you when I get off.”
“OK. ‘Night.”
“Night.”
We hung up the phone, and I rolled onto my back and stared at the ceiling. I really hated Renee Barron. I thought about her black hair and green eyes a few seconds longer. Then I pulled the neck of Julian’s sweater over my nose to breathe in his scent. Mr. Bear’s arm was around me, and I closed my eyes to sleep.
Chapter 20
Spring break turned unexpectedly long and boring and difficult. Nancy was out of town, so the paper office was dead. The first day, I went in, but after sitting around doing nothing until lunch, I drove to Ms. LaSalle’s shop. Julian was working, and the customer flow was pretty much nonstop.
He was very patient helping tourists make their own jewelry, and I wandered around watching him sprint between answering questions and handling the register. I’d have been happy watching him all day, but I felt in the way. So I made an excuse and left. That evening I was ready to see him when he texted asking if I’d meet him at our regular stretch of beach.
We walked out to the water holding hands as the sun faded into the ocean. It was so wonderful being with him, feeling his warm fingers laced with mine. At the shoreline, he sat on the sand. I sat behind him, straddling my legs down his sides and resting my cheek on his back. I wrapped my arms around his waist and felt his palms slide down the back of my calves to my ankles, stopping at my bare feet.
“I really love you,” I said, listening to his heartbeat through his back. I heard him chuckle. “It’s amazing.”
“Yeah,” he said.
I had closed my eyes in the dim orange light, but I could still see the flash of the camera as it went off.
“Got it!” Summer called out. “Good one.”
I lifted my head. “What are you doing here?”
“Practicing my photography. Check it out,” she said turning her large camera around to show me the snapshot of Julian and me. “That’s the yearbook shot. Cutest couple. No?”
“Over Rachel and Brad?” I argued. “You’re joking, right?”
“No way! You guys are totally it. Besides, you’ve been the soap opera of senior year. Especially after Renee’s meltdown when Julian ditched her at the bonfire Saturday to find you.”
I felt a little warmth around my middle. Julian didn’t say anything, but he stood and walked down to the water.
“What was that all about?” Summer asked.
I watched him, feeling irresistibly smug. I would’ve loved to witness that scene.
“Nothing,” I said. “Just you again.”
“Sorry.” Summer looked down, but then she glanced up at me. We both grinned.
“I’m sorry I left you there,” I said. “I was majorly depressed. But you got home all right?”
“Oh, yeah,” she said. “And I didn’t care. I wouldn’t have missed that drama for the world. Looks like it turned out all right for you, too.”
“Yeah,” I said. Julian was walking slowly, but I knew he’d wanted us to have some alone time. “I’d better catch up with him, but send me a copy of that picture.”
“You got it,” she called after me.
There was a time when Julian and I were easy together. We would joke and laugh all the way to the car, all the way through the drive to wherever we were going, then all the way through whatever event we were attending. We would spend the whole night in my bed with his arm around my waist, his soft breath on my neck. And we would sleep…
Now all that was over. Now there was this force between us. A longing that kept us in a constant state of distraction. I couldn’t put my finger on when the switch had flipped, but the tension every time we were together now was almost overwhelming.
Julian planned all our dates with plenty of activity, but we were both silently watching for any chance we’d get to be alone. It was starting to wear me out, and I imagined how this week might’ve gone had he not been working at his mom’s store. Then I thought of rabbits.
Friday we’d planned to see a movie. Our date started with our new routine—I got in the car, and he glanced at me and smiled. It was like lightening shooting through me, all the way to my toes. I smiled back before quickly looking down again. I couldn’t think of a thing to say. I only wanted to grab him and jump him right there on the spot.
We drove in silence, but instead of heading to the theater, he took me to the Romar Beach pavilion. The public lot was empty after dark, and by the time he’d killed the engine, I was out of my seatbelt and in his arms.
Our kisses were even different now. I couldn’t catch my breath, and my heart was pounding in my ears. My eyes were closed, and I was reaching, kissing any part of him I could find. His lips traveled from my jaw to my neck, and I heard myself make a little sound like a yelp. It was all heat and pounding and trying to pull him closer to me than was humanly possible. Until he leaned back, holding me away from him by my shoulders, eyes closed. We were both breathing heavily.
“We’ve got to do something,” he said in a hoarse whisper.
“I agree,” I leaned toward him, but he stopped me.
“Not that.”
“Julian…” I pleaded.
“I shouldn’t have brought us here.” He wouldn’t look at me. “We should go to the movie. Or some place with lots of lights. And people.”
I slid my hand down to his stomach, but he caught my wrist. “Seriously, Anna. Your first time’s not going to be in a damn car.”
My eyes closed, and I lightly placed my forehead on his cheek. “How can you be this way all of a sudden?”
“I don’t like it either.” He calmed his breathing. “But what you’ve done is special.”
“I’m tired of being special.” I kissed his cheek, lightly moving my lips over his skin, back toward his mouth. “I want to be with you.”
“Dammit.” He slid me off his lap with a groan, turning back to face the steering wheel. For a minute he didn’t say anything then he let out a deep exhale. “That’s kind of been on my mind, too.”
I reached over and ran my finger down his lined upper arm, imagining it wrapped around my bare body. I shivered. “What’s on your mind?”
His eyes met mine. “You’re special. And you want to be with me.”
My brow lined, and I moved my hand from his arm toward his stomach. “So? I love you.”
He guided my wrist around his waist and pulled me into a hug. With my head on his chest, I could hear his heart pounding as fast as mine.
“I love you, too,” he said. “But well, I’ve got nothing over here. I’m gambling on everything, and I can’t make any promises to you. I don’t even know who I am—”
I sat up fast, glaring. “Oh my god.”
“What?”
“Is this about not knowing who your dad is?”
“I know that’s getting old…”
I slid across the seat, threw open my door, and stomped out of the car, headed to the water.
“OH MY GOD!” I yelled into the black night. Then I ran hard, all the way to the shore, and spun around. “Are you KIDDING ME?!” I yelled up at Phoenician V or VI or whichever the hell one was towering over us.
“Anna, shhh!” Julian ran up and grabbed my arm.
“I QUIT!” I yelled at the giant tower of concrete. “Do you hear me? This is IT!”
“Seriously. Anna.” Julian forced me to look at him. “You’re scaring the tourists.”
I jerked out of his hands and stomped away, down the water’s edge. Julian trotted up behind me laughing. “So why are you yelling at the high rises again?”
“Wouldn’t you like to know,” I grumbled.
“Yes. That’s why I asked.”
“Julian.” I stopped walking and looked at him. His blue eyes shone, and I shook my head. I couldn’t do it. I’d promised. And I hated that promise right now with every fiber of my being. “I don’t care about your family or who your dad is.” That was true at least. “I love you. You’re special to me, and I want to be with you.”
He took both my hands in his. “I care.”
“I know.”
Lowering himself to the dry sand facing the black Gulf, he pulled me next to him, stroking the inside of my arm. No one was around, and I lay my head on his shoulder.
“I was just thinking if I had a little more time,” he said. “Maybe, I don’t know. Maybe I could get you a ring or something.”
“A ring?” Pressure was building behind my eyes.
“I know. It sounds nuts, but it feels different with us now. More serious, more like something important.”
“We’re not old enough to be making those kinds of decisions,” I sighed, thinking of his dad’s advice.
“Are you even on the pill?” he looked down at me.
Speaking of his dad! “No.” I was suddenly embarrassed. “I guess haven’t done my homework.”
“That wasn’t really my point, but I’m glad I asked.” He sighed and looked out at the water. “I just… I really love you, and I want everything to be good for you.”
“It’s great,” I said, squeezing his hand. “We’ve been building to this for years. And you did give me a ring.”
He looked at me, and I couldn’t stop. I pulled his face to mine and pressed our lips together. It was an insistent kiss. I wasn’t letting him go, but I didn’t have to. He pulled me toward him and we were back in the place we’d been in the car, hands searching, bodies drawn together like magnets, wanting everything all at once. But again he pulled up for air.
“I’m not marrying you, Julian.” I wailed, dropping my head to his chest.
“Never?” he laughed, lifting my chin.
“Not in the next five years. So if you’re planning to make me wait that long, you can just forget it.”
“You’re breaking up with me over sex? Isn’t that supposed to be my deal?”
“Stop it.” I pulled my face away. I wanted to cry. I’d never felt so desperate in my life. My whole body was on fire, and it hurt. “I just want you to touch me.”
I took his hands and slid them to my waist under my shirt. I pressed my mouth to his and for a moment, his fingers traveled lightly up my back to my bra. Hesitating, they continued around, cupping the front under my shirt.
I was drowning again as I slid my hand to his waist, finding his skin at the edge of his jeans. I pulled up the soft fabric of his tee and lightly touched his stomach.
Suddenly he was gone. My lips were still in a pucker, and he was down at the water away from me. I watched as he stripped off his shirt and slipped out of his jeans before diving into the dark Gulf waters.
I fell forward, laying my head on my forearm in the sand. “I’m going to kill your parents,” I sighed, watching him come out of the surf again in his boxers and rub his hands quickly through is hair, throwing water everywhere.
He pulled his shirt back on and jerked his jeans up over his wet body. “That actually works,” he said, walking up to me and helping me stand. The drops of water that hit me were like ice.
“What?” I asked.
“The whole cold shower trick. Come on.”
“Where are we going?”
“Somewhere… not here.”
As we drove back toward Fairview, I watched him under the passing streetlights. I turned sideways in the seat to face him, my knees pulled to my chest. My head was leaning back against the seat, and I remembered that first night in my bedroom when he had pulled my shirt up so fast and covered my breasts with burning kisses. I closed my eyes and shivered. To have a do-over of that night…
I remembered the sensation of his skin against mine and how he’d held me. How could he be so restrained now? I couldn’t figure it out. I kept remembering his body curled up behind me in my small bed. It had been so wonderful when I could drift to sleep knowing he’d be there until the early hours. I could feel his breathing, his warm arm around my waist…
I lifted my head, and we were sitting in my driveway in the car. Julian had slid over next to me, and he was sitting with his feet on the dash and his arm around behind my head. I’d fallen asleep for who knows how long.
“I’m sorry,” I said, sitting up groggy.
He slid a curl off my cheek. “I miss watching you sleep.”
“Come inside,” I pleaded. “Spend the night.”
“Nope,” he grinned.
I exhaled and sat all the way up grabbing the door handle and pushing the heavy door open. I stomped all the way to my front door, Julian right behind me.
“Don’t be a baby,” he said.
“I just don’t get it, Julian. I don’t get you.”
“That’s really hard for me to accept,” he said.
“What?”
“That you suddenly don’t get me.”
I stood on the step in front of my door, and from that height, I could rest my elbows on his shoulders. He slipped his hands in my back pockets and pulled our bodies together.
“So that’s the deal,” I said.
“What?”
“I have the ring, you find out who your dad is, and things can go back to the way they were with us?” I leaned forward and kissed him, long and slow. “Plus some extra stuff?”
His hands slid out of my pockets and held my waist for a long pause before he straightened me up on the step. “Sure,” he shrugged. “That can be the deal. What did you have in mind?”
“Leave it to me.”
His forehead creased. “What are you going to do?”
“Nothing. Get some rest, and I’ll talk to you tomorrow.” I kissed him lightly and then opened the door.
Looking back, I watched him walk slowly to the T-bird. I had no idea what I planned to
do, but at least I had an idea of where to start. I ran to my room and grabbed my ring off the holder on my dresser. This little memento wasn’t leaving my finger ever again.
Chapter 21
Somehow being back in school made it easier to keep our hands to ourselves. Teachers like Ms. Harris were probably the reason. We always had to drop the hugs and distance ourselves before resuming our pre-breakup seating arrangement. I couldn’t tell if the poor student we kept displacing was simply irritated or really mad. I decided to bake him some cookies or something as an apology token.
“You paid attention those last few weeks in class,” Julian whispered as I pulled out my notebook. “You might pass after all.”
“Maybe we should break up more often,” I teased, looking up at the board.
“No way. I’ll be your tutor for a change,” he winked.
“I know one thing you can teach me.”
His eyes gleamed, and he leaned back in his seat that sly grin on his lips. It had been a while since I’d seen it. “Keep that up, and I might forget about our deal.”
A little charge raced from my stomach to my toes. “Is that all it takes?”
Sensing a presence, I glanced up to see our teacher standing over me, a stern look on her face. I jumped and returned to solving the word problem from the board. From the corner of my eye, I saw Julian sit forward and do the same.
Lunchtime found us all at our regular spot in the quad with Rachel, Brad, and his entire entourage hanging around. Now Rachel’s party-planning had shifted to prom-mode, and it was more intense than ever. My mind traveled to dresses and skirt lengths and possible after-prom activities when Wade walked up with Montage.
“They arrested those guys who jumped you in the parking lot,” Wade said, stopping at Brad.
“When?” Brad stood. “Who were they?”
Montage shrugged. “Claim to be random jackasses collecting video for some high school fight club. Said they didn’t know who you were.”
“What?” Rachel cried. Brad sat down, exhaling in disbelief.
Wade continued. “I don’t believe it either, but there’s an upside.”
“Increased interest in the basketball team?” Julian teased from where he sat with me leaning against his chest.
Watercolor (Dragonfly) Page 16
