“Is this all right?”
“Great.” Jaylin smiled and relaxed. She could do this.
“Coffee?” the server asked.
“Yes.” Jaylin and Kristen answered at the same time.
“Kristen. I want to say something. It’s about the other day.” Jaylin picked up her napkin and twisted it into a roll.
“We’re going to talk about our kiss, aren’t we?” Kristen asked.
“I think we should. Don’t you?”
“I suppose so. Go ahead.” Kristen leaned her elbows on the table.
“The first thing I want to say is I’m sorry.”
“Sorry for what?”
Jaylin fidgeted in her seat before answering. “Sorry for forcing myself on you at the horse event. It won’t happen again.”
“The way I remember it, I kissed you first.” Kristen took a sip of her coffee.
“Yeah, you did, but I should’ve stopped there. I didn’t, and I apologize.”
“Listen, Jaylin.” Kristen ran her fingers gently over Jaylin’s hand. “I don’t play games. I think you know I’m attracted to you, and I believe you’re attracted to me. I need to apologize as well. I don’t normally lose my temper the way I did at the clinic that day. My father’s favorite mare died due to the delay of that vet. He lost his prized line of Appaloosas with her. It’s the reason I pursued my degree in veterinary technology and found Dr. Berglund. I’m a little touchy about it, so I’m sorry. Anyway, we’re both adults. What happened between us was consensual. Can we leave it at that? It won’t happen again. If that’s what you want.” Kristen pulled her hand back and picked up her fork.
Jaylin still wanted something from Kristen. She didn’t know what, and she nearly choked on fear. “Yes. Yes, that’s what I want.”
“Let’s eat our lunch, as friends. Would that work?” Kristen asked.
“That sounds right. I’d like to consider you a friend.”
“Good. I would, too. I’m not looking for a relationship. So, Trixie will be okay, huh?” Kristen tipped her head and looked genuinely concerned.
“I think so. I’ll follow up with Doris tomorrow, but Trixie seemed alert and ready to go exploring by the time I left. She even seemed to enjoy the little bit of lamb and rice I gave her.” The tightness in Jaylin’s chest eased as their conversation moved on to work and the clients scheduled for Monday.
They finished lunch and Jaylin headed home, questioning her decision.
*
A prancing Railroad greeted Jaylin as soon as she walked in the door. She opened the sliding door and let her out into the yard before she grabbed a beer and joined her.
“Good girl, Road. Now we’re going to practice your down and stay command.” Jaylin had been working with her for an hour, and she hadn’t missed or shown any resistance to any command Jaylin gave her. “You’re getting good at this. I think we may have to accept the offer to participate in the Memorial Day parade. You deserve to show off a little.” Jaylin released Railroad and stretched out on her patio lounge chair with her dog on her lap. “This is getting to be a habit.” She laughed as Railroad wiggled to get more comfortable.
Jaylin took a swallow of her beer and allowed her mind to wander. She had an hour before she’d have to leave for her meeting. She could indulge in a little meditation, but her mind kept taking her back to lunch. Kristen said she wasn’t interested in a relationship. Jaylin hadn’t asked herself that question in years. She’d met Sally the first year out of college and never questioned the seriousness of their connection. She was just happy to have someone want her. She’d matured considerably since then, but she wasn’t ready to be serious about anyone. Being lonely was nothing new to her.
Uninvited thoughts of Kristen at work or riding Zigzag, intense and focused, streamed through her consciousness. Smiling at her from across the table. Kissing her. Don’t go there. This is not meditation. “I’ve got to get up, girl.” Jaylin guided Railroad off her lap and went inside. She hadn’t opened her computer since her e-mail from Sally. None of her clients had her e-mail address, and she usually just called Maria if she wanted to talk to her. She winced at the realization that she had no friends who would e-mail her. She took a deep breath and powered it on, praying Sally had only amused herself once, and she’d leave her alone.
There was another e-mail.
Hey, sugar. I was hoping we could hook up soon. I know what you like. I know what you want. Remember?
Jaylin slammed her laptop closed and headed out the door. Tomorrow she’d abandon that e-mail account. She wouldn’t allow that woman to mess with her life, ever again.
*
“What do you think Sally wants from you?” Maggie asked.
“I have no idea. I can’t figure out why she’d be contacting me now after so long. I know I don’t want to have anything to do with her.” Jaylin paced, struggling to maintain emotional balance. She wouldn’t let Sally get to her. She closed her eyes and tried to focus. For no reason she could imagine, Kristen’s image infused her with a sense of tranquility.
“Let me ask you a more important question.” Maggie placed her hands on Jaylin’s shoulders, ending her pacing. “What just happened?”
Jaylin stopped herself from wrenching free of Maggie’s gentle hold. Her war was with her own demons. She relaxed and grappled with her answer. “What do you mean, ‘what just happened?’”
“I mean, you were dealing with your feelings about Sally. You were agitated and then, as though tripping a switch, you went all serene on me.”
Jaylin tipped her head back and closed her eyes again. “I don’t know. There’s this woman I’ve been working with. She’s worked her way under my skin, and it scares the hell out of me.”
“Are you attracted to her?”
“Definitely.”
“Has she done anything to lead you to believe you can’t trust her?”
“No, but I keep thinking that she will.”
Maggie smiled and hugged Jaylin. “I remember your struggles with Sally. We can’t control other people. The only one we can control is our self.”
“I know, I know.” Jaylin ran a hand through her hair and resumed her pacing.
“Jay, stop.” Maggie took Jaylin’s hand and guided her to a table where they sat down. “Let’s sit and figure this out.”
They settled in their chairs, and Maggie continued. “So, you’re attracted to this woman, and you think she’s attracted to you?”
Jaylin thought back to the kiss and the intensity of Kristen’s reaction. “I believe she is.”
“What’s her name?”
“Kristen.”
“There’s something about Kristen that you’re attracted to, and that scares you. Is that right?”
“Yes.”
“She’s not Sally,” Maggie said. Her gaze was direct but not challenging.
“She’s nothing like Sally. She’s gentle. She’s caring and respectful. Yeah. Nothing like Sally.” Jaylin wondered where this conversation was going.
“So, you’re attracted to a woman who treats you with respect and caring?”
“I guess I am.”
“And that scares you.”
“I guess it does.” Jaylin watched Maggie sit back in her chair and study her. “What?”
“I know how hard you’ve worked to get past your obsession with Sally. She was bad for you, but you believed that was all you deserved. Someone has come along who treats you decently, and you don’t know what to do.”
Jaylin sighed. “I suppose you’re right. I don’t know. I won’t be treated the way Sally treated me again, but I’m scared.” Jaylin rested her forehead on her hands lying on the table. “I’m scared,” she said, admitting the depth to which she was truly terrified.
Maggie’s smile was sad as she spoke and gently rested her hand on Jaylin’s back. “You deserve to be treated with respect, my friend. You said Kristen’s gentle. Could she be someone you can trust?”
“I don’t know. There’s more, act
ually. She’s not interested in a serious relationship.”
“Are you?” Maggie asked.
Jaylin sighed and sat up straight. “I wish I knew.”
*
“Good morning.”
Jaylin must have gotten in early. She always seemed a step ahead of Kristen. When she’d worked for Bill, she regularly arrived an hour before him.
“Good morning. Are you sure you go home after work?” Kristen smiled, and Jaylin laughed.
“I’m sure. I think my dog would come looking for me if I didn’t show up. We have a full schedule of patients, but I was hoping we could talk this morning. Maybe about ten thirty, after our first patient?”
“Sure.” Their attraction was undeniable. Kristen felt the leftover sexual tension from their kiss like the proverbial elephant in the room. Jaylin wanted to talk. Maybe it was about relationship stuff. She knew she wanted to kiss Jaylin again, but it wasn’t going to happen.
Chapter Twelve
Jaylin waited for Kristen at the garden table. What would she say? She needed to figure out what she wanted and what she was willing to give. She wasn’t sure if she could continue to ignore her growing feelings.
“You all right?” Kristen sat across from Jaylin.
“I’m fine. Thanks for taking time to talk,” Jaylin said.
“We already talked about the kiss. Is there more you need to say?”
“Probably a lot.” Jaylin wrapped her arms around herself. “But I don’t know where to start.”
“Is everything okay? I thought we agreed to be friends.”
“Yes, and that’s what I want. To consider you a friend, but I can’t stop thinking about kissing you. And more.”
“I see.” Kristen leaned back in her chair. She looked sad.
“I’m sorry. I’ve made some bad choices in my life, and getting involved with someone scares me.”
“I’ve made bad choices, too. I’m sorry I pushed myself on you that day. I won’t say I’m sorry for the kiss though. It was magnificent, and I think about ‘more’ with you, too, but as we agreed, it won’t happen again,” Kristen said. “I can’t get involved with anyone either. Is it too difficult for you to work with me?”
“I don’t know, Kristen. I’m not sure what I want, or what I can give. I only know that I can’t stop thinking about you. I can’t stop wanting you, and I don’t know what to do about it.” Jaylin stood and leaned on the back of her chair.
“I can talk to Bill.” Kristen pushed her chair back. “Maybe it would be best if I left. I’m sure he has an extra tech to help you out if you need it, but from what I’ve seen, you’re pretty self-sufficient. That should ease the pressure on both of us.” Kristen stood to leave.
“Wait, Kristen, please. Sit back down.” Jaylin reached out to stop her.
Kristen remained standing, her gaze locked on Jaylin. What she saw nearly buckled her knees. Raw desire, fear, sadness, and longing. She wanted to pull her into her arms, kiss her fears away, and keep her safe. She couldn’t do that. There were no promises in this world, at least none she could make. She sat down anyway. “What?”
Jaylin dropped her hand. “I think I just needed to get that out. Every day I wrestle with voices telling me I’m not good enough, that I’ll never be worthy of love. I grew up with nothing. As nothing. Now that I’ve made a life for myself, I’m struggling to acknowledge my accomplishment and allow myself to believe in my own self-worth. I feel so much when I’m with you. I can’t seem to sort out all those feelings, but I know that I want to. I’d like to start by calling you my friend. I believe I’m worthy of friendship.”
Kristen reached for Jaylin’s hand. When Jaylin took it, she pulled her out of her chair and onto her lap. “You are worthy of so much more than friendship. I’m going to kiss you now. I don’t want you to think it’s anything more than a friendly kiss. I don’t expect anything from you, and I’m not promising you anything. It’s just a kiss.”
Kristen cupped Jaylin’s face in her hands and tenderly placed her lips on Jaylin’s. Her intention to graze her mouth turned into a passionate exploration when Jaylin covered her hands with her own and leaned into her. Their tongues collided in an effort to bind their passions. Kristen pulled back a breath and Jaylin pressed herself harder against her before gently pushing herself away. They were breathing hard and she held Jaylin until they both could speak.
“Damn.”
“Yeah. I’m not going to say I’m sorry for that, but I meant what I said. It was just a friendly kiss.” Kristen grinned at the absurdity of her statement.
“Kristen.” Jaylin moved out of her embrace. “You make me wish I could do casual, because I really want you right now, but I know I can’t. My heart tends to ride along with my libido, and I can’t trust myself with that.”
“I know, and I don’t want you to be uncomfortable. Should I talk to Bill about leaving?” Kristen considered Jaylin’s remark about doing “casual.” A feeling bordering on panic squeezed her chest when she realized she could never do “casual” with Jaylin. There was something too vulnerable about her, something Kristen felt the need to keep safe, and that meant casual would never be an option.
“Maybe it would be best if we don’t work together anymore.”
Jaylin looked so forlorn Kristen almost grabbed her and kissed her again. She took another step backward.
“I agree. Take care of yourself, Jaylin.” Kristen brushed the back of her fingers down Jaylin’s cheek and went back into the building to gather her things. It had been nice while it lasted.
*
“Ain’t you workin’ today?” Tim placed a cup of hot coffee on the table in front of Kristen.
“No. I was only working on a temporary basis. I’m free again.” Was that what she wanted? She missed Jaylin, and it had only been a few days. She missed the invitation to sit at the table in the back of the clinic. It surprised her that she missed the animals, or perhaps it was watching Jaylin with the animals. She missed her sensitivity and confidence. Their agreement not to work together made her sad, but it would make it easier for Jaylin. Would it be easier for her? They could try going to lunch or dinner as friends occasionally. That would be better than nothing.
“I’m glad you’re here. The new member will be here today. His name’s Rupert Winningham. Let me know what you think if you meet him.”
“He seemed a little odd that time I met him, but he’s got money if he can afford a Fabbri.” Something besides his oddness waggled in the recesses of her memory, as if she’d heard his name before.
“Oh, he’s got money. He comes from a long line of Winninghams. They own a lot of property ’round here, and I was glad to have him join the club, ’cause of the name and all. But I don’t like him.”
“I’ll watch out for him. I plan to shoot four rounds today, so I’ll be here for a while.”
“Thanks, and don’t forget about the club shoot in a couple weeks.” Tim proceeded to the table next to her to talk to another shooter.
Kristen retrieved her shotgun and strode to the skeet stations. She was surprised to see Rupert already awaiting his turn. He looked different with his skeet vest and shooting glasses, but the slicked back hair was the same.
“Hello. My name’s Kristen Eckert. You must be the new member. Welcome to the club.” Kristen extended her right hand while resting her over-and-under over her left shoulder.
“Hello again,” he replied. “I see you’re ready to shoot today. How about we go a round?”
Kristen lowered her ignored outstretched hand and considered her response. “You go ahead.” She stepped aside and contemplated returning to the clubhouse, but she had as much right to take her turn shooting as he did. She stepped away from the station and waited. Rupert pulled out a large flask from his vest and drank heavily from it before slipping it back into his pocket, winking at her, and loading his shotgun. Maybe the flask held hot chocolate. She doubted it.
Rupert shot well on the first station. Kristen noted his smoo
th swing and accurate aim. No doubt, he had the financial means to shoot whenever and wherever he desired. She briefly wondered why he chose this gun club, but her mother had loved this place, and she was a member of the U.S. Olympic skeet team before she got sick.
She stepped to the first station and noted that Rupert hung back to watch her. She had nothing to prove, but he stirred something in her that made her ground herself and focus extra intently.
“Pull.” She smoked all four targets on station one and stepped back to wait for Rupert to shoot at station two. He pulled his flask out again before loading his shotgun. No wink this time.
His aim on station two was as accurate as the first station, but Kristen noted that he only chipped the doubles. Chipped or pulverized, they counted as hits.
She repositioned her shooting glasses and leaned into her shotgun. “Pull,” she yelled a fraction of a second before the target flew into her line of sight. Another target demolished. Her rhythm was good, and she felt loose. His turn.
Rupert didn’t pull out his flask for station three. Stations three, four, and five were single shots, and shooters often fell into a sense of complacency without having to shoot doubles. He rolled his shoulders and called for the bird. His first shot nicked the target, enough to break off a piece. The second shot split the target. His grin bordered on feral. He pulled out the flask again and offered it to Kristen.
“I don’t know what’s in that flask, but I presume Tim told you that alcohol isn’t allowed on the property. Guns and alcohol don’t mix.”
“Yeah, yeah. I got the list of rules and regulations. A little nip to keep you warm on a spring morning can’t hurt.” Rupert took another swig from the flask and stashed it back in his vest pocket before moving to the next station. The following stations were more of the same. Kristen was dead-on with her shots, and Rupert barely took a chip out of the targets.
“You gonna give up now, hotshot?” Rupert asked.
The Courage to Try Page 8
