“Last time we talked, you said you two were friends. That neither of you wanted anything more. Did that change?”
“No. That’s still our agreement. We’re ignoring our mutual attraction and pursuing a friendship.” Kristen resumed leading Zigzag around the ring.
Debby pulled Shadow to keep up. “Why? I mean, if you’re attracted to one another, why not go for it?”
“I don’t know, Deb. Sometimes I think so, but I don’t have time for a relationship. I’ve got to take care of Dad, and the house, and Zigzag, and…I just don’t know.” Kristen stopped walking and hugged Zigzag.
“Maybe it would be good to talk to her about it. Maybe she’s struggling, too.” Debby placed a hand on Kristen’s shoulder.
“We did talk about it, and I know it’s hard on her. We can’t seem to keep our hands off each other when we’re together, but we both have issues we’re dealing with that seem to keep us apart. Somehow, mine don’t seem so insurmountable when I’m with Jaylin, but I’m petrified that I won’t have enough time for her, or that it’ll turn out like the disaster with Lynda. I’m hoping she’ll come to the stump race Saturday. I haven’t seen her since the skeet shoot last weekend. Which, by the way, she didn’t seem very interested in.”
“My friend, you don’t have to be into everything the other person is into. News flash, that makes people different from one another. Talk to her. I don’t like seeing you so stressed.” Debby followed Kristen to the barn, tethered Shadow, and picked up a currycomb. “And another thing. I never asked Jaylin out, and now I’m glad I didn’t. I think you two would make a great couple if you get past yourselves.” She turned away to brush Shadow, humming some silly children’s rhyme about kissing in trees.
“All right, all right.” Kristen rubbed the back of her neck and rolled her head. “I feel her pulling away, and I’m not sure what to do about it.”
Kristen pulled her cell phone out of its case and sent another text to Jaylin. Just to remind her. She added a second note about a friendly glass of lemonade. Kristen feared her feelings were already way beyond friendship, and she had no idea how to change that, or if she wanted to.
*
It was still early evening when Kristen arrived at her dad’s care facility and the parking lot was full, an occurrence she couldn’t remember ever happening before. She wondered what was going on and why she didn’t know about it as she hurried into the building. She stopped at her father’s room and, finding it empty, rushed to the nurses’ station.
“Kristen, we’re glad you made it. Dr. Meyers is just starting her demonstration. We thought you’d be here earlier. Your dad’s at the end of the North hall, on the right.”
“What’s going on? What demonstration?” Kristen peered down the hall, where laughter and cheering were coming from the large dining area.
“We didn’t call you because, since it was your dad’s idea, we thought you knew about it. Dr. Meyers brought her dog here for a short obedience demonstration.”
“Thanks. I guess I’ll go check it out.” Kristen sighed, recognizing another sign of Jaylin’s detachment. She hadn’t mentioned a word about this.
Kristen found her dad where the nurses had parked him in his wheelchair. Doris sat next to him in her matching chair with Trixie sitting on full alert in her lap. Jaylin stood in the middle of the large room encircled by the residents standing with walkers, or in chairs. Railroad sat as still as a statue a few feet away from Jaylin, awaiting a command. The slight flick of Jaylin’s finger and a tiny nod, and Railroad jumped a foot in the air and raced toward a group watching intently. She stopped two feet away from the crowd and sat up on her hind legs, waving her front paws furiously at them. The wheelchair bound clapped and cheered, and the people with walkers laughed and cooed. Kristen observed the spectacle from behind her father’s chair. How in the world did Jaylin teach her to do that?
Railroad stopped her waving and regarded Jaylin for another command. Jaylin and Railroad repeated the process until the whole circle of giggling, laughing, and cheering seniors had been properly greeted. Kristen leaned toward her dad and gently rested her hand on his shoulder.
“Hi, Dad. I see you have entertainment tonight.”
“Kristen? Is that you? See that nice young veterinarian?” He pointed toward Jaylin. “She brought her fast dog to meet us, just like you said she would.”
“Yes, I see. I’m glad, Dad.” Kristen looked up and caught Jaylin’s gaze.
Her breath caught and her knees weakened. Jaylin was gorgeous in a pair of threadbare jeans, the ones she probably didn’t want to wear to the gun club, and a MSU T-shirt. She had on a pair of running shoes and looked more relaxed than she’d ever seen her. She began planning how to get her alone. I’ve got to try.
*
Jaylin concentrated on Railroad. She hadn’t missed a single command and the residents loved her. Jaylin had expected to see Kristen when she’d made plans to bring Railroad to the home, but her reaction to the strokes of her gaze amazed her. Kristen hadn’t looked away since their eyes met, and Jaylin liked it. She felt seen.
She let everyone pet Railroad before she headed to the nurses’ station. She looked for Kristen, but she and her father were gone. It left her feeling somewhat bereft.
“Thank you, again, Dr. Meyers. Everyone loved meeting Railroad. We look forward to having you visit every month. We’ll put you on the schedule for the third Sunday.”
Jaylin leaned on the wall next to the nurses’ station and sipped from a bottle of water. She tipped the bottle and filled her hand so Railroad could take a drink before clipping on her leash and leading her out to her car. She rested her head on the driver’s seat and closed her eyes. She wanted to go back inside and look for Kristen. She wanted to grab her by that sexy denim shirt and pull her into a searing kiss. She acknowledged that her feelings had definitely developed beyond friendship, and anxiety and anticipation twisted a knot in her stomach.
“You okay in there?”
Kristen’s voice floated through the open window and beckoned to her soul. She pulled herself out of her semi-sleeping state, sat up straight, and cleared her throat.
“Yes. I’m fine. It’s been a long week, and I guess I was more tired than I thought. I must have dozed off.” She looked at the clock on her dash and discovered she’d been napping for ten minutes. She glanced at Railroad, who was sound asleep on the backseat. “I guess entertaining took a lot out of us.” Jaylin smiled and fought the urge to lean into the invitation of Kristen’s lips.
“Think you’ll be able to make it to the barrel race Saturday?” Kristen reached through the open window and swept her fingers over Jaylin’s cheek.
“I’m not sure.” No. I should say no. She should end this now, before either of them got hurt. “I’m not sure.” She repeated again, unable to find more words, afraid to say the ones on the tip of her tongue. Yes. And then I want you to go to bed with me.
“I hope you do.” Kristen cupped Jaylin’s chin, leaned through the window, and brushed her lips across hers.
“Mm, no kissing.” Jaylin slid her hand behind Kristen’s head and entwined her fingers in her thick hair. She clenched a bundle and drew her closer, crushed their lips together, and slipped her tongue into the heat of Kristen’s mouth. Kristen skimmed her fingers over Jaylin’s thigh and leaned further into the car. She moaned and sucked Jaylin’s tongue while she slipped a warm hand under her T-shirt to skate her palm over her stomach.
Jaylin hovered on the brink of abandon. She wanted to feel Kristen in every cell of her body. She covered Kristen’s hand with her free one and moved it higher, to the underside of her breast. Kristen repositioned her hand so her thumb brushed over Jaylin’s nipple through the silky material of her bra. Jaylin whimpered and tugged harder on Kristen’s head until she broke the kiss and turned her head.
“I don’t think I can fit through this window, baby. May I get inside and sit next to you?” Her breathing was heavy, her voice thick with want, and Jaylin s
napped back to reality.
“Oh my God. I’m sorry.” She shifted in her seat and pulled down her T-shirt. “I’m so sorry. We can’t do this. I can’t do this.”
She started her car and sped out of the parking lot, fighting the impulse to see Kristen in her rearview mirror. She knew she’d only turn around, and she couldn’t do that.
Chapter Twenty-six
Jaylin let Railroad out and plopped onto her couch, refusing to shed her self-pitying tears. She was no longer a victim. She’d taken control of her life and made something of herself despite the many deprecating voices and challenges of her childhood. If she’d found enough courage for that, why was she so scared of giving herself to Kristen? When Kristen touched her, she felt her everywhere. Her touch was a salve on her wounds, her kiss a promise of healing.
If you don’t try, you’ll never know. Maggie’s words came back to Jaylin as she went outside to eat her breakfast. She hadn’t stopped thinking about Kristen since her cowardly escape from the care facility. She touched her lips, reliving their last kiss. Kristen’s hand on her stomach had been warm and gentle, and it left her craving more. Jaylin allowed the memories of Kristen’s touch to wash over her, and the sense of rightness stole her breath. It was so different from what she’d had with Sally. Kristen’s touch, her kiss, and her words, all spoke of caring. How was she supposed to convince herself to try? “Maybe Maggie’s right, Road. Ha. Maggie’s always right.” Jaylin sighed and took her bowl into the kitchen. Kristen’s riding event started at one o’clock. She’d have just enough time to get there.
“I can sit here and be miserable without her, or I can take a chance. See you later Road.”
*
“Hey, Kelly. I didn’t think you were riding today.” Kristen led Zigzag to the staging area. She hadn’t seen or spoken with Kelly since their evening together, but that wasn’t unusual. Over the years, they’d often enjoyed one another on an entirely casual basis, and seeing one another again at their events had never been awkward because of it.
“Yeah. I figured Pogo and I could use a little more practice before Texas. Have you changed your mind about going with me?”
Kristen considered the way Jaylin had abruptly left her standing alone, weak with wanting. Maybe it would be good to get away for a few days. A change of scenery might be just what she needed to take her mind off Jaylin. “What day are you leaving?” she asked.
“Next Thursday. We can fly out together. I’m having Pogo trailered.”
“I’ll have to get someone to take care of Zigzag and my pony. I’ll let you know.” Kristen checked her cell phone for the third time, then mounted Zigzag and prepared for her ride, her heart heavy.
*
The bleachers were starting to fill when Jaylin made her way to the arena. She could see Zigzag outside of the fenced area waiting his turn, but Kristen wasn’t with him. She sat on the end of the front row and waited. She pulled her cell phone out of her pocket, hesitated, and put it away. She doubted Kristen was expecting her. After all, she’d never responded to her texts about the event, and after the way she’d left things at Kristen’s father’s home, she figured she was probably the last person Kristen thought she’d see. She pulled it out again and realized that Kristen was probably about ready to ride around the barrels, and wouldn’t get her text until later anyway. She returned it to her pocket. The event was the same as the first one she’d watched Kristen ride in, so she knew what to expect. The palomino quarter horse and Zigzag stood waiting for the starting signal.
Jaylin wasn’t surprised to see Pogo and Kelly up next, racing against a sturdy looking bay quarter horse. She thought Pogo might get a run for his money with this one. She watched as Kelly leaned over Pogo’s neck and whispered in his ear just before they tore around the barrels, a full length ahead of the bay. Jaylin reluctantly admitted that they were impressive. If Kelly rode that well in the final round, she might beat Kristen again.
She pulled out her cell phone, sent Kristen a text letting her know she was there, and looked forward to the friendly lemonade. Kristen might not even reply, but she’d pushed herself to get here and see her, and she wouldn’t chicken out now. The outcome of the final matchup seemed inevitable, but Jaylin stayed in her seat and watched as Kelly and Kristen faced off. Zigzag and Kristen were outstanding, but Kelly and Pogo took the winning prize. She stood and hurried to the concession area to wait for Kristen.
“Glad you made it.” Jaylin shivered at the feel of the warm breath on her ear. Kristen had a lovely habit of coming up behind her.
“You looked good out there. I’ll admit Kelly did, too.” Jaylin’s voice quaked. The intensity of her response to Kristen’s proximity startled her for a moment.
“Thanks. It was a fun event.” Kristen sat across from her. No kiss. In fact, Kristen didn’t even touch her. “I didn’t think you’d come today. You seemed pretty upset the last time I saw you.”
“Yeah. About that. I’m sorry I panicked. I feel so much when I’m with you, and it scares me to death.” Jaylin reached for Kristen’s hand. She needed to touch her.
“Hey. I feel a lot when I’m with you, too. I didn’t mean to push you that night. I guess we both got a little carried away.” Kristen held her hand and softly rubbed her thumb over her knuckles.
“Hello again, Jaylin.” Kelly stepped behind Kristen and rested her hands on her shoulders. She glanced at their joined hands before continuing. “I’m taking Pogo home now. I’ll pick you up at eight o’clock Thursday morning. Good to see you, Jaylin. Take care.” Kelly sauntered away, and Jaylin extracted her hand to rest it in her lap, jealousy making bile rise in her throat.
It was none of her business what Kelly and Kristen had planned for Thursday, but she wished it could be. Kristen had said she felt things for her. Could she take a chance? Kristen sat across from her, silent. She didn’t know how to ask.
“Shall I get us a couple of lemonades?”
“I’ll get them. You want something to eat?” Kristen stood.
“Yes, please. Whatever you’re having.” Jaylin blew out a breath while she waited. If you don’t try, you’ll never know. Damn that Maggie.
Kristen set their drinks and food on the table. “I got us a couple of hotdogs.”
“Thanks.” Jaylin took her drink and hotdog out of the cardboard holder and set it in front of her. “May I ask you something?”
“Of course.” Kristen took a bite of her hotdog and chewed while she waited.
“Never mind.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yeah.” Jaylin ate her hotdog, drank her lemonade, and people watched. “No. I need to say something.” She sat up straight and faced Kristen.
“I’m listening.”
“I’ve been thinking about you all week. I panicked that night at your dad’s and it made me realize how silly I was being. I’m scared that I’ll make the same mistake I made with my ex, Sally, but that discounts all the work I’ve done to heal and grow. I guess what I’m trying to say, is that I’ll never know if I can trust myself again unless I try.”
“I’ve been thinking of you all week, too. I’ll admit that I didn’t understand why you left so abruptly, and then seemed to ignore me, but I get that you need time to heal from that abusive relationship. I don’t want to push you into anything, Jaylin.” Kristen took Jaylin’s hand again and gently squeezed it.
“You’re not pushing me. I’m resisting paying attention to my heart. I keep repressing my feelings because of my past. I’m done doing that. I’d like us to move on and see where we end up.” She covered their joined hands with her free one. She realized another feeling she recognized but had little experience with—hope.
*
Kristen inhaled deeply, enjoying the scent of the fresh air after a rain. She stood at the end of her covered porch and watched a young robin hop across the damp grass. The week’s rains had kept her from being able to cut the lawn, and she needed to get it done before she left for Texas. She’d ridden Zigzag
out on her property three times. He’d stood with his head down, probably wondering what they were doing out in the rain, while she’d sat under the canopy of leaves and pine needles. She’d looked at her situation with Jaylin from every angle she could think of and hadn’t come up with a resolution. She wanted her, she knew that much, but she wanted her in a way that was deeper than any want she’d ever known.
Kristen wasn’t surprised to see Debby sitting on her front porch when she trudged up the steps after putting the mower away. “Hi, Deb. I didn’t see you pull in.”
“I just got here. I’ll get us some water.” Debby retrieved two bottles of water from the kitchen and settled in one of the chairs on the porch.
“Thanks, and thanks for coming over. Are you sure you don’t mind taking care of Zigzag and the pony for a few days? I’ll be home on Monday.” Kristen opened her water bottle and took a long drink.
“I told you it’s no problem. I’ll come over every day and let them run around outside while I clean their stalls. I’d love to go to that event in Texas someday. You just relax, have a good time, and tell me all about it when you get back. I have to say, though, you don’t look excited about it. Are you worried about your dad?”
“No. I told him I was going, but he won’t remember it. Every day is Sunday for him. He won’t even miss me. I’m all mixed up about Jaylin.”
“Does she not want you to go?” Debby took a drink of her water and set her bottle on the table.
“She doesn’t know I’m going. I feel a little foolish about it, actually.”
“Foolish?”
“Jaylin made arrangements with my dad’s care facility to bring her dog there for an obedience demonstration. She never even told me about it. I felt her withdrawing after the skeet shoot. I’m not sure if she was bored or what, but she never said anything about it. Afterward, she seemed distant. It was weird, because before she left, after the demonstration, she sat in her car and she kissed me like I’ve never been kissed before. Then she left. She just drove away.”
The Courage to Try Page 17
