"What do you see, Chloe?"
"I —I—I don't s-s-s—"
"Slow down." He snapped the words, impatient. "What do they look like? Do they talk to you?"
"You really want to know?"
"Yeah."
I chewed my lip, then lifted onto my tiptoes. He bent to listen.
'They wear white sheets with big eye holes. And they say 'Boo!'" I glowered up at him. "Now get out of my way."
I expected him to sneer. Cross his arms and say, Make me, little girl.
His lips twitched and I steeled myself, then I realized he was smiling. Laughing at me.
He stepped aside. I swept past him to the stairs.
* * *
Dr. Gill was a small woman with a long rodent nose and bulging ratlike eyes that studied me as if / were the rat — one whose every twitch had to be scribbled into her notebook. I'd had therapists before. Two of them, both after my mom died. I'd hated the first one, an old man with bad breath who'd closed his eyes when I talked, like he was taking a nap. When I complained, I got the second one, Dr. Anna, a woman with bright red hair who'd joked with me and reminded me of my mom and helped me get on with my life. After ten minutes with Dr. Gill, I knew she fell somewhere in the middle. She seemed nice enough, and listened carefully, but she wasn't going to start cracking jokes anytime soon.
We talked about how I'd slept; how I was eating; what I thought of the others; and, mostly, how I felt about being here. I lied about the last. I wasn't stupid. If I wanted to get out, I couldn't moan that I didn't belong or complain that someone made a horrible mistake.
So I said that I knew my dad and aunt had done the right thing by putting me in Lyle House, and that I was determined to get better, whatever it took.
Dr. Gill's rat face relaxed. "That's a very mature attitude. I'm glad to hear it."
I nodded, and tried to look sincere.
"Now, Chloe, have you ever heard of schizophrenia?"
My heart stopped. "Sch-schizophrenia?"
"Yes. Do you know anything about it?"
My mouth opened and closed, brain refusing to fill it with words.
"Chloe?"
"Y-you think I'm schizo?"
Her mouth tightened. "We don't use that word, Chloe. In fact, we prefer not to use labels at all. But a diagnosis is a necessary part of the process. A patient must know her condition, understand and accept it before we can begin treatment."
"B-but I just got here. How c-can you know already —"
"Do you remember at the hospital? The doctors you spoke to? The tests they ran?"
"They found schizophrenia?"
She shook her head. "While scientists are working on a way to definitively diagnose schizophrenia, we don't have anything conclusive yet. Those tests, though, ruled out other possibilities, such as tumors or drug use. Taking those results and combining them with your symptoms, the most likely diagnosis is schizophrenia."
I stared at the floor. "You think 1 have schizophrenia."
"Do you know what it is?" She spoke slowly, like she was starting to question my intelligence.
"I've seen A Beautiful Mind."
More lip pursing. "That's Hollywood's version, Chloe."
"But it's based on a true story, right?"
"Based." Her voice softened. "I know from your file that you enjoy movies, and that's wonderful. But they aren't a good place to learn about mental illness. There are many forms and degrees of schizophrenia and yours isn't the same as that one."
Wasn't it? I saw people who weren't there, just like the guy in the movie.
Dr. Gill continued. "What you are experiencing is what we'd call undifferentiated schizophrenia, meaning you're displaying a limited number of the primary symptoms —in your case, seeing visions and hearing voices. Visual and auditory hallucinations."
"What about paranoia?"
"We see no evidence of that. You show no signs of disorganized behavior or disorganized speech patterns —"
"What about stuttering?"
She shook her head. "That's unrelated. You display none of the other symptoms, Chloe."
"Will I? Eventually?"
"Not necessarily. We'll have to be vigilant, of course, but we've caught this early. Usually a diagnosis isn't made until a patient is in her late teens or twenties. It's like catching a disease in its early stages, when we have the best chance to minimize its progression."
"And get rid of it."
A moment of silence as she fingered a long corded necklace. "Schizophrenia . . . is not like the flu, Chloe. It is permanent."
Blood thundered in my ears, drowning out her next words. She leaned forward, touching my knee.
"Chloe, are you listening to me?"
I nodded.
She moved back. "Schizophrenia is not a life sentence. But it is a lifelong condition. Like having asthma. With lifestyle changes and medication, it can be controlled and you can lead an otherwise normal life, to the point where no one will realize you have it unless you choose to tell them." She leaned back, meeting my gaze. "Earlier you said you were determined to do whatever it took to get through this. I know you were hoping for a quick fix, but this is going to require that same level of maturity and determination. Are you still prepared to do that, Chloe?"
I had more questions. Did it usually happen this fast, with no warning? One day you're walking around, totally normal, and the next you're hallucinating and running screaming through the halls? Then, bang, you get told you have schizophrenia, case closed?
It all seemed too sudden. But when I looked at Dr. Gill, watching me expectantly, waiting to get on to the next phase, I was afraid if I said anything, it would sound like I was still in denial; and if I did that, I'd never get out of Lyle House.
So I nodded. "I just want to get better."
"Good. Then we'll begin."
* * *
Dr. Gill explained about the medication. It was supposed to stop my hallucinations. Once they had the dose adjusted, there shouldn't be any significant side effects, but at first I might experience partial hallucinations, depression, and paranoia. Great. Sounded like the cure was as bad as the disease.
Dr. Gill assured me that by the time I left the group home, taking the pills would be no different than taking daily asthma medicine. 'That's how you need to think of schizophrenia, Chloe. As a medical condition. You did nothing to cause it."
And could do nothing to cure it.
"You'll go through a period of depression, anger, and even denial. That's natural, and we'll deal with that in our sessions. You'll meet with me for an hour a day."
"Are there group sessions, too?" I asked.
"No. Someday you may decide you want to explore the dynamics of group therapy and we can discuss that later, but at Lyle House, we believe that privacy is critical. You need to fully accept your condition before you'll be comfortable sharing it with others."
She laid her notebook on the desk and crossed her hands on her knee. "And that leads to our final topic for today. Privacy. As I'm sure you've guessed, all the residents here are coping with mental issues. But that is all anyone needs to know. We will not share details of your condition, your symptoms, or your treatment with anyone here. If anyone pressures you for details, you are to come to us right away."
"They already know," I murmured.
"What?"
The outrage blazing from her eyes told me I should have kept my mouth shut. I knew from past therapy that it was important to share anything that was bothering me, but I didn't need to start my stay at Lyle House by tattling.
"N-not about the schizophrenia. Just. . . someone knew about me seeing things. Ghosts. Which I never said. To anyone."
"Who was it?"
"I —I'd rather not say. It was no big deal." She unfolded her hands. "Yes, it is a big deal, Chloe. But I also appreciate that you don't want to get anyone into trouble. I have a good idea who it was. She must have been eavesdropping when we were discussing your hallucinations and jumped to her own conclusions about . .
." A dismissive wave of her hands. "Ghosts. I'm sorry this happened, but I promise it will be handled discreetly."
"But—"
"She won't know you told us anything, but it must be dealt with." She eased back into her seat. "I'm sorry this happened on your first day. Young people are, by nature, curious, and as hard as we strive to provide privacy, it isn't always possible in such tight living quarters."
"It's okay. No one made a big deal of it."
She nodded. "We have a very good group of young people here. In general, they are very respectful and accepting. That's important at Lyle House. You have a difficult road ahead and we're all here to make that journey as smooth as possible."
* * *
Schizo.
It didn't matter how many times Dr. Gill compared it to a disease or physical disability, it wasn't the same thing. It just wasn't. I had schizophrenia.
If I saw two guys on the sidewalk, one in a wheelchair and one talking to himself, which one would 1 rush to open a door for? And which would I cross the road to avoid?
Dr. Gill said it was just a matter of taking my meds and learning to cope. If it was that easy, why were there people wandering the streets talking to themselves? Crazy-eyed homeless people shouting at thin air?
Seeing people who weren't there. Hearing voices that didn't exist.
Schizo.
Just like me.
* * *
After my session, I ducked into the media room to think. I was curled up on the love seat, hugging a pillow to my chest, when Simon sailed in.
Not seeing me, he crossed the room and grabbed a baseball cap from the computer desk. Humming under his breath, he tossed the hat in the air and caught it.
He looked happy.
How could he be happy here? Comfortable, maybe. But happy?
He flipped the cap over in his hand and tugged it on. He stopped, gaze fixed on the window. I couldn't see his expression, but he went very still. Then a sharp shake of his head. He turned and saw me. A flash of surprise, then a broad grin.
"Hey."
"Hi."
He stepped closer, smile fading. "You okay?"
I'm fine sprang to my lips, but I couldn't force it out. I wasn't fine. I wanted to say I wasn't. I wanted it to be okay to say I wasn't. But the concern in his voice went no deeper than his grin, neither touching his eyes. They stayed distant, like he was making an effort to be nice because he was a nice guy and it was the right thing to do.
"I'm fine," I said.
He twisted the bill of his cap, watching me. Then he shrugged. "Okay. But a word of advice? Don't let them catch you holing up in here. It's like going to your room during the day. You'll get a lecture on moping around."
"I'm not —"
He lifted his hands. "Their words, not mine. I'm just warning you. You can get away with turning on the TV and pretending you're watching it, but they'll be happier if you're up and about, hanging with us. We're not such a bad bunch. Not too crazy."
He gave a blazing grin that made my stomach flip. I sat up, struggling for something to say, something to keep him here. I did want to talk. Not about Dr. Gill. Not about schizophrenia. About anything but that. Simon seemed normal and I desperately needed normal.
But his gaze had already shunted to the door. Sure, he thought I should hang out . . . with someone else. He was just giving advice to the new girl.
The doorway darkened and Simon's smile flashed fresh.
"Hey, bro. Don't worry. I didn't forget you. Just talking to Chloe."
He waved my way. Derek looked in, so expressionless you'd think Simon was gesturing at the furniture.
The scene in the basement flashed back —Derek accusing me of talking to ghosts. Had he told Simon? Probably. I bet they had a good laugh at the crazy girl.
"We're heading out back," Simon said. "Kick around the ball for our break. You're welcome to join us."
The invitation came lightly, automatically, and he didn't even wait for a response before he brushed past Derek with, "I'll get Talbot to disarm the door."
Derek stayed where he was. Still watching me.
Staring at me.
Like I was a freak.
Like I was schizo.
"Take a picture," I snapped. "It'll last longer."
He didn't so much as blink. Didn't leave either. Just kept studying me, as if I hadn't said a word. He'd leave when he was ready. And he did, walking out without a word.
* * *
When I left the media room, only Mrs. Talbot was around. The other kids had returned to class after their break. She sent me into the kitchen to peel —potatoes this time.
Before I started, she gave me another pill. I wanted to ask when I could expect them to start working, but if I did, then I'd have to admit I was still hearing voices. I wasn't seeing anything, though. Just that hand this morning, right after I took the pills. So maybe they were working. Maybe it didn't get any better than this. What would I do then?
Fake it. Block the voices and pretend I wasn't hearing them. Learn to —
A scream echoed through the house.
I jumped, the peeler clattering into the sink. As my heart thumped, I listened for a reaction. No reaction would mean the voice had been in my head. See, I was learning already.
"Elizabeth Delaney! Get back here!"
A door slammed. Footsteps raced down the hall, punctuated by sobs. The hairs on my neck rose as I thought of the crying girl at school. But I forced myself to the door and cracked it open just in time to see Liz lurch up the stairs.
"Enjoying the show?"
I jumped and caught Tori's glower before she hurried after her friend. Miss Van Dop strode from the living room into the hall.
"I have had it!" the other voice boomed from the classroom. "I expect some behavioral problems tutoring in a place like this, but that girl needs professional help."
"Ms. Wang, please," Miss Van Dop said. "Not in front of —"
"She threw a pencil at me. Whipped it. Like a weapon. Another half inch and she'd have taken my eye out. She broke the skin. Blood. From a pencil! All because I dared to suggest that a tenth grade student should be able to understand basic algebra."
Miss Van Dop tugged her into the hall, but the woman broke away and stormed into another room.
"Where's the director's number? I'm quitting. That girl is a menace. . . ."
A shadow glided past me and I turned to see Derek at my shoulder. As the dining room door swung shut behind him, I caught a glimpse of books and a calculator spread across the table. He must have been there the whole time, doing independent work.
As he looked down at me, I expected some sarcastic comment about eavesdropping, but he only muttered, "Welcome to the madhouse," then brushed past me into the kitchen to swipe an extra snack.
Eight
AFTER THAT, CALM DESCENDED. Like the calm before the storm, only in reverse. The nurses put dinner in the oven, then sequestered themselves in Dr. Gill's office, on a conference call, not to be disturbed.
No one had disagreed with Ms. Wang's explanation of events. No one tried to say it had been an accident. No one even seemed surprised that Liz had almost put someone's eye out.
When dinner time came, Mrs. Talbot served the food, then retreated into the office again. Liz joined us, wan and quiet. Simon snuck her a juice box, though we were supposed to be having milk. Tori hovered over her, coaxing her to eat. Even Rae and Peter made efforts at conversation, as if to distract her. Only Derek and I didn't participate.
After dinner Tori reminded Liz it was movie night, when they could get a DVD delivered. She gave Liz the honor of choosing, but Liz seemed overwhelmed by the responsibility and looked to us for help. Simon made suggestions, but said he wouldn't be watching it —he and Derek had a project due the next day. Liz finally settled on a romantic comedy. While she and Tori went to tell the nurses, Rae announced she had to fold the now-clean laundry. I offered to help.
* * *
We each carried a basket t
o the room Rae shared with Tori. I could tell neither was pleased with the arrangement. I swore I saw pencil marks on the windowsill to divide the room in half.
Tori's side was so clean it looked like mine when I'd first walked in. Nothing on the walls. Nothing on the bed or the floor. Every surface was bare, except two picture frames on the dresser. One held a shot of Tori and her parents and the other of a huge Siamese cat.
Rae's half had enough clutter for both of them. Hooded sweatshirts on the bedposts, textbooks balancing precariously on the desk, makeup left open on the dresser, drawers leaking clothing. The room of someone who didn't see why she had to put things away when she'd only be using them again the next day. Her walls were covered with taped photos.
Rae set her basket on Tori's bed, then closed the door. "Okay, 1 could beat around the bush, but I hate that, so I'm going to come right out and ask. Did I hear right? That you're here because you see ghosts?"
The words I don't want to talk about it rose to my lips. But I did want to talk about it. I longed to pick up the phone and call Kari or Beth, but I wasn't sure how much they'd heard about what happened and whether they'd understand. The person who seemed least likely to make fun of me or gossip about my problem was right here, asking for my story. So I gave it to her.
When I finished, Rae knelt there, holding up a shirt for at least thirty seconds before realizing what she was doing and folding it.
"Wow," she said.
"No wonder I'm in here, huh?"
"And it started right before you got your first period? Maybe that's it. Because you were kinda late, all that stuff built up, and then . . . bam."
"Super PMS?"
She laughed. "So have you looked it up?"
"Looked what up?"
"The custodian."
When I frowned, she went on. "You got chased by a guy in a custodian's uniform, right? And he was burned, like he died in some fire or explosion. If it really happened, it would have made the papers. You could look it up online."
I won't say the thought hadn't occurred to me, but I'd only given it permission to flit through my brain, like a streaker at a football game, moving too fast for me to get a good look.
The Summoning dp-1 Page 5
