Father Titus sighed audibly. "I'm taking you offline pending a full medical review. No slaying until I give the word. Do you mind if Dawn does the review?"
"No, I like Dawn."
"I'll call her and tell her you mounted a dead man's head on a pipe," he said.
"Tell her whatever you want. I haven't done anything wrong. Lambert deserves worse."
The phone clicked off, and I went down for my nap. It was like the greatest weight had been lifted off me, and I drifted away to a brilliant slumber with wicked dreams of driving fast cars.
A knock on my door interrupted my solitude. I said, "Enter."
Nathan stepped into my room holding a phone. "It's Dawn."
I took the phone. "Hi!"
"Sidney?"
"Yes."
"How are you feeling?" She asked.
"I feel great. Couldn't be better."
"Is it true you mounted a human head on a metal pole?"
"Yes."
"And you don't see a problem?"
"Nope."
"You need to come down to the hospital tomorrow. You'll talk to me, and you'll talk to a psychotherapist."
"Fine."
Chapter 34
I slept fitfully that night, and come morning, I broadcast across the intercom, "Gear up!"
I got my gear on and headed down to the first floor. Nathan was decked out in full gear, but Erin was wearing jeans and a t-shirt. I said, "We have to go to the hospital today."
Erin said, "You can go without me."
"No. We leave as a group. You know the rules."
"I'm sick."
"You are not."
Erin glared at me. "My period started today!"
"So?"
"I'm going to take a painkiller, make some chamomile tea, and relax in the tub. You can go to the hospital without me."
I said, "Fine. Let’s go, Nathan."
"Right behind you, boss."
We made it to the hospital, and Dawn was there waiting. She took me to a section closed off by curtains. She pointed at a hospital gown. "Strip. Put those on."
I nodded. She didn't move. I didn't move.
She said, "What are you waiting for?"
"I don't know: maybe for you to leave?"
"I need to see your skin, Sidney. I need to see if you've been cutting on yourself."
"What?"
"Strip! Down to nothing!"
I sighed. I happily wanted Dawn to see me naked, but in my dreams, the circumstances were a little different. So I stripped. My penis tried to betray me and grow into an erection, but I donned the hospital gown before it got out of hand.
Once in a hospital gown, Dawn made me sit in a wheelchair, and she wheeled me to a physical therapy center in the hospital. She showed me to a treadmill and hooked up some electrodes to my chest. She said, "Run for a while."
I started running on the treadmill. Dawn left. A long time passed, and my legs and lungs started to burn ever so gently. Once sweat was pouring down my body, I stopped. I sat down and relaxed. After a while, Dawn returned and escorted me via wheelchair to a room with the walls painted pink and said, "Wait here."
So I waited. After a solid hour or so, I started getting terribly bored. Finally, a man wearing a three-piece suit knocked on the door to my room and said, "Hello."
I said, "Hi."
"Slayer #17?"
"That's me."
"My name is Doctor Michaels. I need to ask you a series of questions."
"Fine."
He nodded. Then he asked, "Were you a happy child?"
My brain sort of clicked off at that point, and I did my best to give honest answers. After what seemed like forever, I relived every painful memory I had as a child for the doctor. When I thought he was done, he said, "You mounted a human head on a metal pole."
"I'm not the first person that's ever done that."
"Not since the middle ages."
"Desperate times call for desperate measures."
"What purpose could it possibly serve to mount his head?" He asked.
"It's a nice conversation piece."
Dr. Michaels sighed. "I have what I need. We might talk again sometime. Get rid of the head."
"No."
Dawn greeted me at the door and wheeled me back to my clothes and armor. She didn't leave me alone, though. I said, "Can I get dressed?"
She said, "Sure."
I said, "Are you going to leave?"
"I could."
"Please?"
"Have it your way."
Dawn gave me a wink and left me to get dressed. I met up with Nathan in the waiting room. We drove back to the warehouse. The head and the metal pole were gone.
On reaching the inside of the warehouse, I hollered at the top of my lungs, "ERIN!"
She stepped out of the kitchen into the loading dock. "Yes?"
"Where is Lambert's head?"
"Father Titus came and got it."
I squinted my eyes in rage. "You weren't sick today."
She shook her head and took a sip of tea. "No. My periods are usually very mild. They don't stop me from functioning."
My blood boiled. I wanted to smack her in the worst way. "You little bitch."
"I've been called worse."
"You didn't really think we were going to let you keep a human head as a trophy did you?" Nathan asked. "We have to live here, too."
"I'm going to find a way to punish both of you," I said.
Erin laughed.
Nathan said, "What will you do to us?"
"I'm not certain yet. Perhaps I'll restrict your diet to vegetarian fare."
"I hardly eat meat anyhow," Erin said.
Nathan's hands twitched as his eyes darted left and right. "You're kidding right?"
"I might not be," I said. Both of them were to blame. If I was going to come up with a punishment, it needed to be equal. Taking away Nathan’s meat products wouldn’t be fair.
Erin turned and left.
"It was all Erin's idea," he said. "I couldn't care less about a stupid head."
"I almost believe you, too."
"I'm being serious. We just had to get you out of the warehouse long enough for Father Titus to come by."
"I spent almost an hour running on a treadmill, and it was all a ruse?"
Nathan sighed.
"Well, we're officially offline until the medical review is over," I said. "No slaying."
He looked at his feet and then wandered off.
I went to the kitchen and ate the last apple, pear, and banana. I almost took all the meat out of the fridge and threw it in the trash, but I had to eat, too. Father Titus called me later that day telling me the medical review went fine, and we could go back to slaying. I told him maybe.
Two days passed, and a knock sounded on my door. I said, "Enter."
Nathan and Erin entered looking downtrodden. Erin spoke first, "Why aren't we slaying?"
Nathan said, "We're almost out of food."
I said, "I'm mad at you two."
"I'm sorry," Erin said. "I shouldn't have lied to you. We shouldn't have tricked you."
"You've got to admit that keeping a human head on display was gross," Nathan said.
"I don't have to admit anything," I said.
Erin poked around on the floor with her big toe. "You're just being stubborn."
"We like you, Sidney, but we need food, and we need to start slaying again," Nathan said.
I peered out the window, and it was snowing ever so gently.
"We'll go scouting and grocery shopping tomorrow," I said.
Erin said, "Excellent."
Nathan nodded.
Chapter 35
The next morning it was cold, gray, and raining. I turned the thermostat up a hair and went about my morning routine. The aroma of coffee reached the upstairs, and I hurried to the kitchen. Erin was eating tuna fish out of the can. Nathan looked like he was ready to cry. "There's nothing to eat!"
I went to the fridge. "There's
bologna, sliced ham, cheese, and mayonnaise."
Nathan said, "There's no bread."
"We'll hit a fast food joint. Get your gear on."
Erin tossed her half full can of tuna fish in the garbage and darted off. Nathan went for the last of the gummi bears grabbing a handful out of the bottom of the box. I said, "That was going to be my breakfast."
With his mouth full, Nathan said, "They're stale anyhow."
"Go get your gear on."
I poured myself a cup of coffee and headed upstairs to get my gear on. I unlocked the armory and gave them their Glocks.
We walked into a fast food joint, I don't particularly remember which one, and the employees freaked out, raised their hands, and started emptying their cash registers into bags.
I snarled like a hungry wolf that somebody just stole food from. "We're slayers, you idiots. We're here to eat."
The employee's eyes went bugged eyed like deer caught in headlights for a moment, and then they relaxed and started putting the money back in their drawers. The manager came out from behind the counter. "We already hit the silent alarm. Cops will be here any minute."
I sighed. "Well, we're hungry. We want food."
Within a few minutes, we had our food, and the cops showed. Luckily the cops knew us from our gear and armor and just laughed and laughed. As we threw our trash away, the manager came out. "Don't come back."
I said, "What?"
The manager glared at me. "I think you heard me. Don't come back."
I let out a little whimper.
Scouting that day went well: we picked a nest to hit. Shopping went well, too. Both Nathan and Erin filled their cart to almost overflowing with a wide variety of foodstuffs. They picked up a lot of stuff that wouldn't spoil like pancake mix, spaghetti, and tomato sauce.
The next day it was snowing, so I took the lead in our caravan. We made it to the nest we planned on hitting and parked. I lined up the sights on my grenade launcher to the front door. I said, "Fire in the hole." Then I squeezed the trigger and whomp!
The door flew off its hinges, and Nathan and Erin raced inside. I hurried afterward, but I didn't hear a single gun shot. The house stood empty and deserted. I met Nathan and Erin in the kitchen, and they both gave me confused looks. I growled, "Outside, now!"
They darted away, and I ran after. We reached the sidewalk, and I took a look around. Machine-gun fire erupted from a second story window. Erin ducked behind the cover of a car. Nathan let loose with his 9mm at the window. A second machine gun started kicking off rounds hitting my legs. I dove for cover behind a car and yelled to Nathan, "Get down!"
Nathan ducked. The machine gun fire started peppering the car we were ducked behind.
"When I say go, Erin, go after the house on the left," I said. "Nathan, go after the house on the right."
Nathan said, "What the fuck are you going to do?"
Erin nodded.
I pulled my grenade launcher from behind my back. I stuck my head up over the side of the car, so I could shoot. I launched a grenade at the first window, then the second window. Without even watching for explosions, I launched another grenade at the first house's door. Then I launched a fourth grenade at the second house's door. I shouted, "GO!"
Erin and Nathan took off in a flash. The debris from the explosions hit the ground, and both machine guns were silent. After a few moments, a short burst of gunfire thumped from within the house Nathan went into. I stood in the street and waited. Erin spoke across the comm gear, "Nobody here, boss."
Nathan said, "I got one."
"Regroup," I said.
Erin and Nathan walked out of the house and up to me.
Nathan spit on the ground. "We were setup."
Erin said, "Looks like it."
One of the houses that I used the grenade launcher on was burning ever so slowly, so I called for the police and fire department.
We drove back in a caravan to the warehouse. I locked up everybody's Glocks, keeping my .45 close by. I called agent nine.
He said, "Hello, Sidney."
"We were setup. The nest was empty. Two vampires with machine guns tried to cut us down."
"Fuck."
"You said it, buddy."
There was a long pause.
I said, "What are you going to do?"
"Do you suspect Erin or Nathan?"
"Hell if I know. Nathan killed one of the machine gunners. Erin didn't. But otherwise, I have no reason to suspect either of them."
"We might have been hacked."
"What are the odds of that?"
"I can order a check of the security network. I can't do much else."
"Do it."
I put the satellite phone away. I went to the control panel for the warehouse and made sure everything was secure. I wanted a nap. I was unhappy. The weather was getting colder and colder, and it always seemed to rain in Dayton.
I lay in my hammock for most of the afternoon when I decided it was time for some dinner. I made my way down to the kitchen. Nathan and Erin were there, but they weren't cooking, and a wet, raggedly looking yellow and black striped feline was sitting on the island in the center of the kitchen lapping away at a bowl of milk.
I said, "What is that cat doing in here?"
"I found him," Erin said. "I named him Fred."
"You can't have a cat."
Erin drew her knife and pointed the sharp end at me. "I found him! He's mine!"
"Get rid of him!"
"I'll get rid of you first!"
"How did he get in the building?" I asked.
"I heard him outside," she said. "And I opened the garage door for him."
"How did you open the garage door?"
"There's a remote in the van, and you don't lock the van."
"I hate cats!"
"Well," she said. "He likely doesn't like you very much either…"
"Get him off the counter," I said. "At least feed him on the floor. What are you going to do for kitty litter?"
She sheathed her knife.
Nobody moved to move Fred, so I reached toward him. He turned on me and hissed.
Erin grabbed the bowl of milk and put it on the floor. The stupid cat jumped down onto the floor and started lapping away.
"There are bags of sand in the basement," Nathan said. "We could take a cardboard box and cut the bottom out then line it with a trash bag. Then we could fill it with sand. That would get him through the night."
"At least give him some real food: cut up a slice of ham or give him a can of tuna fish," I said.
Nathan said, "Can I get a puppy?"
"NO!"
Nathan sighed.
"We haven't had dinner together in a while," I said. "What do you guys want to eat?"
Nathan said, "We never went for pizza."
Erin petted the cat and rubbed it behind the ears. "Yeah."
"It's past dark," I said. "We can't get pizza."
Nathan pointed at the clock on the wall. "Tomorrow."
Erin said, "I want cheeseburgers for dinner."
"What?"
"Don't look at me like that. I'm craving cheeseburgers with lots of onion and pickles."
"Nathan, why don't you work the grill," I said. "Erin, you can cut up the onion and get the lettuce ready."
Erin said, "What are you going to do?"
"I'm going to make the French fries!"
Chapter 36
I didn't sleep so good that night. No surprise really. I grabbed a stack of cash for the pizza just in case they gave us a hard time. We geared up and drove in a caravan to the pizza place. I stepped up to the counter to order.
The freckle-faced teenager behind the counter said, "We don't serve slayers. Get out."
I said, "Come on, I'll make it worth your while."
"Against policy."
"Find a manager."
The kid whistled.
An older fellow about forty approached the counter. "Get out."
I hopped from one foot to the o
ther. "Come on. Why won't you serve us?"
"One, you frighten the other customers. Two, if you start to frequent our restaurant, sooner or later, the vampires will try and turn one of our employees so they can poison you. It's not worth it."
I grinned and winked in tandem, a move that had gotten me laid more than once. "I'll pay extra. Just this one time. Please?"
"How much extra?"
"Last time I paid four hundred bucks for a specialty pizza of yours, and I could easily match that."
"I wouldn't take less than a grand."
"Done!"
"I said, 'I wouldn't take less than a grand.' I wasn't finished negotiating. How much cash did you bring with you?"
I looked him in the eye. "I'm surely not going to tell you how much cash I brought with me."
The manager began cracking his knuckles one by one.
"Well?” I asked. “How much?"
"Make it two grand."
I turned on Nathan and Erin. "Do we really want to pay two grand for pizza?"
Nathan and Erin nodded.
I looked at the manager. "Give us one of the special four-way pizzas."
The manager shook his head. "We don't make four-way pizzas."
"But you do make a Gyros pizza?" I asked. "I'm in the right place?"
"We make a Gyros pizza, sure."
Erin said, "And a four cheese blend?"
The manager nodded.
"Give us a medium Gyros pizza, a medium all veggie, a medium pepperoni and sausage, and a medium four cheese blend," I said.
The manager said, "Let me see the cash."
I pulled out a big stack and started shelling out twenties.
"I knew I should have asked for more," he said.
I said, "Two grand is a lot for pizza."
"We have five employees working today. Us feeding you risks all their lives. Two grand isn't enough."
I finished counting the money and pushed it towards the manager.
He closed his eyes and crossed his arms over his chest. "Like I said, two grand isn't enough."
I threw down another pile of twenties without counting it. "How about that?"
"Ok."
"Throw in a couple cold two liters of pop, too."
The manager pointed at the cooler by the counter. "Grab a few."
We sat at a table and waited. They brought us four steaming hot pizzas. Nathan and Erin both ate as if they had never had pizza before in their lives.
Bullets Will Work: A Vampire Slayer Novel Page 20
