by J. R. Biery
“You mean you think he wasn’t born dead?” Claire whispered in horror.
“Aye. I’ve thought and thought about how they were before, and how my Da changed after the boy was lost. I think he wasn’t born perfect, had some kind of defect. Well, you know how it is when you’re poor.”
“They couldn’t afford a handicapped child or to house it in an asylum.”
“Aye, and me Mum would never have the heart to do for her own bairn that way. It must have been awful hard, but I’m thinking my Da forced himself to do it.” Bonnie’s voice broke and for a minute it was Claire who held and comforted her.
“You don’t know that. Your father loves his children so much.”
“Aye, he’s a weakness for the little ones, all right. But you see without work, he couldn’t see the others starve for a mite that would never be right, could never do anything. I mean I love Bella’s little boy. A pure angel, he is.”
“I know. When she talks to him or sings and he sings back to her, it’s so sweet. I just feel so sorry for him.”
“Aye. But he’ll never be better and she already knows from the doctors that he will just grow worse and weaker and then die as a wee lad,” Bonnie whispered.
“You think that’s why your father started drinking.”
“Aye, it would have broken something inside him, to have to do that to one of his own bairns. But if he didn’t, why didn’t they wait until we were home from school to bury him. At least let us see the baby and give the angel a kiss goodbye. Everyone does you know.”
Claire’s hand shook inside Bonnie’s. She had been the one to hold the pan to catch Bonnie’s little son when he was born dead. A result of the horrible beating Tarn Michael’s had given her. She leaned into her friend, nestled her head on her shoulder. It was Jim who brought the crying girls to their senses.
“Hey, aren’t you ever going to put out the fire and come to bed. The dogs won’t stay out when you’re not in the tent.”
Bonnie blew her nose, hugged her friend who laughed and blew her own. Bonnie stood blustering, calling out and snapping her fingers. “Tip, Tyler, here, now.”
The guilty dogs shot out of the tent, their coats shimmering like silk in the firelight as they shook before crouching, heads lowered to the woman’s big boots. “You two rascals know better than that. What am I going to do to you?”
The dogs looked up, brown eyes pleading at the woman shaking her finger over their head. One whined first, Claire thought Tip, since he seemed to be the leader of the pair’s antics, then the other whined an apology as well. Laughing, Bonnie bent to fondle and tug at the shepherd’s folded ears until they were upright triangles again. The two followed their mistress to the mouth of the tent and then flopped down at the entrance as she disappeared inside.
<><><>
Claire woke late, in a grouchy mood. She had gone to bed feeling sad for all Bonnie’s troubles, even for poor Bella. No wonder the woman had always been so sharp and bad tempered. At least since Barney came, she had seemed to mellow and grow more human, less witch-like.
Henry emerged from their wagon as though called by Claire’s thoughts. When Bonnie handed him a plate of biscuits and gravy, he took it, then waited for his tin cup of coffee. “Where’s the rest of your family, this beautiful morning?” Bonnie asked.
Henry looked as gloomy as ever as he took a tentative sip of the steaming brew. “Rough night. Barney has been having trouble with all the dust.”
Father handed his empty plate to Claire and held his cup out for her to warm up the coffee that was left. “Sorry, Henry, if I had realized how hard it was on the child, I would have set you two at the front of the train. Maybe I can talk to the other wagoneers, see if they have any objection to giving you the lead every day.”
Henry sat down, rested his cup on the bench beside him and dug into his breakfast. After swallowing he said, “Nonsense, you know it would just start a big war. Some people, like the Raglons, are always looking for something to fuss and complain about.”
Claire looked across at him in surprise. Some people would say the same of the Lambtons.
“Well, from now on, you can go in front of us. I know it’s just one wagon closer, but maybe it will help.”
Bella came down the steps without her son. Apparently he was finally asleep. “Then that will mean another day before we are the first wagon. What kind of deal is that?”
“Of course, when I reach the back, I would let you go on to the lead,” Father said.
“And all of us have to listen to that screeching cow, Kaye Raglon. No thanks,” Bella said.
Henry looked ready to argue, then threw up his hands and stalked off. Claire knew there were the oxen to water and harness, and all the other chores of getting the wagon train in motion. But as she looked at Bella and the sour look she gave him, she doubted it was an eagerness to work that sent him running. The woman was always nagging him about something. Claire closed her eyes and pulled her string of beads from her pocket. While she mindlessly turned the beads through her fingers, she said another prayer.
<><><>
Bonnie poured coffee and served biscuits and gravy before preparing the food for their noon stop. Claire wondered if she were praying for the miserable couple, too.
Claire lifted both buckets and turned to follow Henry’s retreat toward the river. He would pretend to ignore her, as usual. But she knew if she called out, he would rush to help her before Father, or Tom and Jim, could reach her.
For a moment she almost resumed her silly thoughts from the night before. But under the soft light of the new morning, they felt very foolish. She had no idea about love, was determined not to let it lead her toward any rash behavior or wrong decisions. Look at poor Bonnie. She had raved about being in love, about how wonderful, how awesome a man he was. Then, last night, they both recalled the horror she lived through as she learned the man, Tarn Michaels, was really a demon. Claire knew the girl better than anyone. Had Bonnie learned her lesson and given up on true love? No, she had confided in Claire before that she spent each night dreaming about an unattainable man, this one in uniform.
Henry Lambton was married, but they could be friends. Both the Lambtons were her friends. Claire was determined to use her common sense to look elsewhere to find a man to marry. She was not going to covet another woman’s husband.
But when Claire moved forward to dip her first bucket in the clear water above where the animals were muddying the stream, she looked to the side to watch Henry. He had his trail clothes on, the bib overalls snapped over a gingham shirt hidden by a denim jacket. In the straw hat he could be any of the men moving along the wagon trail. She raised the full bucket and waited for the water she had stirred to settle before filling the next. In the pool she saw a dreamy, blue-eyed girl, with her loose blonde curly hair floating around her shoulders. For an instant, Claire wasn’t sure if it was her reflection.
When she looked up, she saw Henry staring at her. His eyes were troubled as he studied her and Claire’s heart began to pound furiously in her chest. When he smiled, she bent down to scoop the second bucket quickly. Someone behind her was complaining, impatient to be next.
Moving too quickly, she sloshed water on the hem of her travel dress. Trembling, she held the buckets out farther and tried to steady her gait. Maybe she wasn’t so smart after all.
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
Mother sat beside Claire as Jim prodded the team forward. It was already warm, another clear, dry day and Claire were happily talking to Bonnie. The tall girl was striding along beside her, keeping pace easily with the slow animals.
“Okay, pretend for a minute. We are at the end of the journey, both happily married to important men,” Claire said.
“Rich, important men,” Bonnie interrupted.
“Rich, prominent leaders of the town. Of course we are neighbors of the famous Lynne McKinney Gant. We three matrons will be pillars of the community. I will set fashion trends, based of course on the latest fashions from Paris and New York
.”
“Of course,” Bonnie said, with her nose in the air, her skirt held out to the side, as she swished for Claire’s amusement.
“Lynne will host the literary community. By then she may well be a published author, famous for her poetry and tales of her journey west,” Claire said and when Bonnie snorted, Claire went on.
“Why not, she certainly has written enough pages. Maybe Phillip will have her writings printed and bound. She won’t have to have a ‘nom de plume’ because Lynne can be a male or female name.”
“I say Mrs. Gant, I hear the First Lady bought copies of your latest book and shared them with all her friends,” Bonnie added.
“Well, at least the Governor’s wife will have done that,” Claire said. She stared at Bonnie, taking in her straight back and impressive figure. It seemed forever since they had bothered with a nice game of pretend. Claire was enjoying this one immensely. “And you, Bonnie, will lead women to fight for their rights.”
Claire’s mother laughed, especially as Bonnie started talking about how women in the new western states would have all the same rights as men. “They are already allowed to buy land, at least along the new railroads. I’m sure someday they will have the right to vote,” Bonnie protested.
When both laughed at her, Bonnie blushed. “Well, it may be a small club, but I think there will be women interested.”
“In being like men?” Claire asked. “Are they all going to wear bloomers in public like Amelia Bloomer did way back in the 50’s?”
“I don’t know anything about Amelia, but if she thought women should have the same freedoms as a man, then yes,” Bonnie answered. “Wait, they will dress just like men, trousers and all.” Both women began laughing so hard that Mary Anne climbed off of Bella’s wagon and ran back to see what was so funny.
<><><>
It was an uneventful day. It had started the same way as all the others. This time they were three wagons farther back in the chain, position eight and nine. Barney Lambton started coughing so hard he looked blue. In a panic, Bella screamed and Tom pulled the oxen to a halt as she scrambled down from the wagon seat to carry the boy clear of the dust. Henry was in front several wagons talking to one of the other married men. When he spotted her, he raced the mare back to them. As soon as he dismounted, he boosted his wife and her sick child onto the saddle.
Mother was able to finally pull their wagon to a halt, mainly because their lead pair were standing with their noses pressed against the tailgate of the Lambton’s wagon. Shadrach bellowed loudly. Claire could hear the two wagons behind them yelling as they also brought their teams down. She stared at the three Lambtons, unaware that her hands were shaking so badly it made the cloth in her lap make a flapping sound. Claire swallowed, tears filled her eyes. It had only taken one glimpse to see it all.
Henry was holding the reins of the prancing mare, the horse still excited by the mad dash and change of riders. Henry’s face was a perfect image of regret. Everyone in the wagon train who saw him, understood how deeply affected the man was, his sorrow splashing out over all the others. Claire watched how tenderly he touched the boy’s cheek and ruffled his soft dark hair. She felt another dagger as he raised himself up enough to whisper something to Bella, whose body curved protectively around her son. Then Bella placed her hand over Henry’s where it supported the child’s back.
<><><>
Bonnie turned as she heard a little squeak. She watched Claire raise her hand to her heart and gasp again. Bonnie left her to her mother as she ran forward to climb up onto the abandoned seat of the Lambton’s wagon. She snapped the whip out over the oxen to get them to hurry up and join the other wagons. But she had seen the stricken look on the girl’s face.
Had Claire been making up lies in her head? Had she assumed Henry didn’t have any natural feelings of love for his wife and child? This was the woman he shared a bed with every night. As she snapped the whip in the air over the lead oxen again, she called out giddy-up and the wagon lurched into motion. Bonnie was relieved to see Henry publicly show his feelings. She just felt sorry for Claire that he had kept them hidden so long. Poor Goose.
<><><>
As merry as Claire had been before, she was now morose, the picture of dejection. It was Bonnie again who came to her rescue. She drew her off to the side with the pretense of taking a walk to look for something they could add to the stew pot.
“Talk to me, Goose, what’s going on?” Bonnie asked.
Claire sighed and then stared at her friend. “I think it’s possible Barney might die. It’s so sad.”
Bonnie stared at her friend and then blinked. “It’s possible that any of us will die at any time. Bella told us she knew Barney wouldn’t live long, nothing has changed about that. I mean, tell me what’s really bothering you.”
Claire looked at her friend, lowered her eyes, pretended to look around. “I don’t see anything edible. This country is so desolate, I hope its greener where we’re going.”
“From all the descriptions we read, it’s even worse. No, I mean you and Henry.”
Claire looked up, startled. “There is no me and Henry.”
“I know that. Apparently, you don’t. Or do you think your sad looks go unnoticed. How hard do you think it is for Bella? Do you think your mooning around after her husband is going to make her feel better?”
For a minute, Claire couldn’t speak. “You’ve no right to talk to me like that. I’ve done nothing, said nothing, ever, to Henry.”
“But you’ve thought it.”
“Bonnie, how do you expect me to control what I think. Don’t you think I want to? You don’t have any idea how guilty I feel, how hard this is?”
“Well, you’d better. If other people notice it, there will be talk. Once your reputation is ruined, there’ll be no more gentleman callers on this wagon train. I know your behavior has been proper, but you have to hide these feelings from others. You know they are wrong or you wouldn’t feel guilty.”
Claire struggled to hold back tears. “I didn’t know I was that transparent. I had no idea anyone else knew what I’m feeling.”
“Only for anyone with eyes in their head. You just need to act, pretend like we did earlier when we were playing your game. Act as though none of this exists, that you are searching for the one man who can make you happy.”
Claire tried to smile, her mouth trembling a little as she said. “Tomorrow we’ll move back to the front, Henry and Bella will be in the lead so Barney will be better…”
Claire froze and stopped arguing when Bonnie raised a hand. In surprise and delight, she watched her friend, hoist her rifle and fire. Together they ran to capture the flopping rabbit.
<><><>
The two girls returned, laughing and giggling, to the surprise of the twins carrying water to the campsite. Mother was starting the fire and putting the bean kettle over the flames.
Bella sat on the bench from their wagon, with Barney stretched out on it, his head in her lap. Mary Anne stood over Barney, cooling him with her Japanese fan that Claire had given her at the hotel. The boy twisted his head at the sound of the laughing women. Claire rushed in, shouting, “Don’t start the beans yet. Bonnie shot some fresh meat.
Working quickly, Bonnie had the rabbit skinned after cutting off the hind feet. She tossed the two rear feet to the boys for good-luck charms. Then she snipped the tail and handed it to Claire, motioning toward Bella. Claire took a minute to wind a bit of ribbon around the sticky, bloody part and shake all the dust off. Trembling, she walked up to Bella and offered her the furry trophy.
Bella looked as hesitant to take it as Claire had been, but finally she reached out to accept it when Barney kept turning his head to see what the other boys were playing with. She extended the soft white trophy toward her son and Barney touched it, his eyes growing wide. Finally he smiled. Both women smiled at each other in turn.
Claire felt something ease in her heart. She took one of the pails that the boys had set down and dampene
d her handkerchief to hand to Bella. The woman took the peace offering and ran it over the little boy's face, leaving his thick black hair standing up on his forehead. Without thinking, Claire reached out to smooth it back into place. When finished, Bella returned the handkerchief, gripping Claire’s fingers as she did to fold over it in wordless thanks.
<><><>
Claire dried the last tin plate, and stopped to stir the beans, before storing the last dishes away. Mary Anne was sharing another of Bella’s stories with one of the twins. Mother was trying a eucalyptus salve on little Barney’s chest and all the men were busy. Claire didn’t have the heart to refuse to do the work alone. At least Bonnie had put up the lunch before taking off, this morning, gun in hand. After last night’s surprise success in bagging the rabbit and everyone’s enthusiastic gratitude for the change in fare, she couldn’t blame Bonnie for her excitement.
At the last minute, Father had refused to let the girl take the gun with her. “Not if you’re going to be walking alone. You could fall or the gun could accidentally go off. Just wait a while until we’re underway, than Henry or I will ride along with you.”
Bonnie put her hands on her hips and stood eye to eye with Claire’s father. For a moment, Claire wondered what that would be like, to have the courage and conviction to talk to men eye to eye.
Bonnie said, “If I wait, there won’t be any game left, or anything edible that hasn’t been trampled underfoot.”
“Then walk on and pick up anything good you find. Just keep the lead riders in view and make sure they can see and hear you. The Brewer brothers are riding lead today, and they’re armed.”
Bonnie didn’t even bother asking for his compass knife like she had borrowed to ride to the training camp to see her brothers. She just slung a gunny sack over her shoulder and stormed off, calling back. “Lunch is put up, just wash the dishes, girls. I’ll be back.”
