by Sadie Grubor
"I don't fucking get it." I shake my head, running a hand through my hair.
"I think you do," he counters.
Before I can retort, Dr. J continues. "Now, let's talk about what scares you the most about the possibility of another child."
"I already told you," I groan. "The risk of losing Mia during the birth is something I'm not willing to do."
"So, if she is indeed pregnant, what do you plan to do about it?"
Opening my mouth, I realize I don't have an answer.
If she's fucking pregnant, then she's pregnant. There's no changing that. I can't magically erase the issue or demand my own way.
"Ah," he says, nodding, "I see the light is dawning in there."
"Fuck you," I growl.
Ignoring my insult, he smiles before continuing.
"Let's talk about Maggie's birth."
Inhaling sharply, I close my eyes and see nurses rushing Mia down the sterile hallway—away from me.
"Start with the moment she went into labor at the house," he instructs.
It takes a few thundering heartbeats before I tell him about finding her on the stairs, gripping the railing and breathing heavily.
"The pain she went through in the car escalated so fast," I reminisce, shaking my head. "Then, once she was in the hospital bed and she went limp…" My words fall away. There's not enough air in my lungs to speak.
"Chris, it's over. Mia is safe now. Take a breath."
I hear his words, but I can't get my lungs to cooperate.
The sound of an opening door and a click sneak their way in.
Is Mia back?
Two voices speak in hushed tones before hands come to my shoulders. Gentle and coaxing, they slide down to my chest.
"Breathe, Christopher." Gwen's voice soothes the rising panic. "Breathe with me."
She inhales, and I mimic the action. As the air fills my lungs, calmness settles over my body. My muscles relax, jaw unclenches, and the blood returns to my whitened knuckles.
"There you go," she praises.
"Perhaps we should stop for today," Dr. J says, patting my knee before standing.
"No!" I exclaim, grabbing his arm.
Looking up at him, I only hope he can see the desperation I feel.
"If I don't do this, I'll lose her." My hand tightens on his sleeve. "I can't lose her."
Dr. J's warm hand covers mine.
"You can't force things."
"Fuck that. I can do this," I insist, even though a small voice deep in my mind is calling me a goddamn liar. "When the nurses started running around, the doctors barking out orders, and then they rushed her away from me…" the panic tries to seize my chest once more, but I push that shit down and keep going, "I was so sure that was it." Lifting my eyes from his sleeve, I focus on the doc's eyes. "That she would never come back through those doors."
"But she did," Gwen says, moving around me.
Sitting in the chair Dr. J vacated moments ago, she reaches over and takes my free hand in hers.
Looking away from Dr. J, I focus on her.
"Childbirth is a scary thing, even when it's not as eventful as Maggie's." Squeezing my hand, she smiles small. "But Mia was in good hands and you were never in critical danger of losing her."
"But—"
"If you want to get the medical records and read the notes on the delivery, I'm sure there is a way to do so." She gently brushes a thumb over my knuckles. "Maggie's arrival wasn't easy, but it was not as extreme as you remember. You're focusing on the fear and pain. You need to allow yourself to embrace the good."
Her words slice through my chest.
Focus on the good.
I furrow my brow. I can’t think of one fucking good thing about childbirth.
"It's the day you got Maggie," Gwen adds.
The furrow fades from my face and every tense muscle relaxes.
The smile on Mia's face when I entered her room. The look in her eyes when she handed me our daughter. The fullness that engulfed my chest looking down on the perfect little baby wrapped in white and pink.
"Do you think Mia would choose to risk her life, leaving Maggie behind, if the birth was as bad as you've remembered?" Gwen gives one more squeeze before releasing my hand.
"I've only focused on the negative," I breathe the words. "The fear and pain are the only thing I know."
"At that time, yes," Dr. J rejoins the discussion.
Releasing his sleeve, I drop my hand into my lap.
"But now..." he squats down next to my chair, "now, Chris, you are a different man. You've risen out of the dark place."
Shaking my head, I try to let what they've said actually sink in, but the memory of Mia, lifeless, on the hospital bed flashes in my mind.
"I'm not, and I haven't," I argue, turning my eyes to his. "I'm still in that darkness. I can see her lifeless and can't get past it."
A single tear, one of realization and despair, rolls down my cheek.
I'm going to fucking lose her.
Chapter Seven
Christopher
Leaving Gwen and Dr. J in Nic's office, I return to the get-together. Scanning the room, I don't see Mia anywhere.
"She's not here," Serena says to my left.
My head snaps in her direction. "What?"
"She left with Kat."
Turning away, I start for the front door.
"Give her space, Chris," Serena blurts, grabbing my arm.
"Stay out of it," I growl.
Her hand tightens on my bicep.
"She needs to breathe, and think. Let her have it."
Jerking my arm away, I step into Serena's personal space. Straightening to my full height, I stare down at Mia's nosey fucking sister.
"I won't give up on her, or us. So keep your fucking advice to yourself."
"Hey," Elliott barks, drawing my attention, "get the fuck out of her face."
Even with his large, muscular build, Elliott moves fast. He reaches our standoff and pushes between us.
"Boys," Nicholas tries to intervene.
"Tell your wife to mind her own business."
"I'm not going to tell her a damn thing," Elliott snaps, crossing his arms over his chest. "You need to calm the hell down."
"Chris…" This time, it's Jackson.
"Stay out of it," I say, keeping my eyes locked on Elliott.
Long fingers clasp my shoulder and jerk me away from the great wall of Elliot.
"Come on," Jackson says, pulling me out of the room.
In the empty dining room, I jerk out of his grip.
"I'm not letting her leave me, Jackson."
"Look, man, I don't know what the hell is going on right now, but Mia isn't fucking leaving you." Pulling a chair away from the large table, he sits down.
Nervousness, anxiety, and fear roar through my veins, pushing me to pace the room.
"She will," I grumble.
"What did you do? Buy an island?"
I know he's trying to lighten my mood, but it's not fucking working.
Stopping mid-pace, I level a look at him.
"She might be pregnant," I admit.
His eyes widen and mouth pops open.
"Well, fuck me. Congratu—"
The look on my face cuts off his well wishes.
"You aren't happy about it?"
It's more of a statement, but I answer anyhow.
"Fuck no, Jack," I bark, planting my hands on the table and looking down dark wooden surface.
"And Mia is happy about it?" he presses.
"I…" Fuck, I don't even know how she feels about it.
"Ah, you didn't take the time to talk about it before you went into panic mode." He nods, strumming his fingers on the table.
Yanking a chair out, I drop onto the hard seat, place my elbows on the table, and put my head in my hands.
"Dude, you need to talk this shit out with her. I get you have reservations, but—"
"Reservations?" I snort. "I almost fucking lost
her the last time."
"Chris, you're going to lose her now if you can't get your shit together." His blunt words cut straight to my heart. "Listen, I don't know everything, so you can take what I'm about to say and tell me to fuck off, but knowing you for as long as I have, I've got a pretty good idea of how shit went down between the two of you. You lost your shit and probably irrationally so. For once in your life, you're going to need to give her some time. Let Mia have some space to work through the emotions you didn't give her a chance to share before you went off."
"Fuck you," I mumble, because he's fucking right and I hate him for it.
"If it makes you feel any better, I'm pretty sure Mia isn't going anywhere."
At these words, I drop my hands from my face and look into my stepbrother's eyes.
"Don't look so surprised. She fucking loves you, and I mean complete and devoted love. You're goddamn soul mates if there ever were such a thing."
"What am I supposed to do?" I ask, my voice just above a whisper.
"Well, my brother, you are going to think long and hard about everything, take your shit to Dr. J and work through it, and then you're going to have to come up with the greatest grovel ever known to man. Because when the woman you love tells you she might be pregnant, the proper reaction is to drop to your knees and worship the shit out of her."
"I almost lost her the first time," I remind him, glaring.
He gives a half grin.
"You've almost lost yourself a million times, but somehow, you always rise above. Mia's fucking stronger than you, so I'm pretty sure she can handle anything."
"Fuck you," I mumble, again. Because, again, he's right and I fucking hate him for it.
Hope surges into my chest at the sound of Mia's ringtone. Reaching into my back pocket, I pull out my cell and touch the screen.
"Mia?" I answer, watching Jack stand and walk out of the room.
"I'm sorry, Chris. I had to get out of the house and away from all the people."
"You just left. Took Maggie without a fucking word." My words are much harsher than intended.
"And I'm sorry I did that." The soft hiccup in her voice melts my anger.
"Where are you? I'll come—"
"No," she cuts me off, sniffling. "I need to think."
Feeling like she just punched me in the stomach, I breathe out, "Mia, please?"
"Chris, there's a lot I need to think about and I can't do that with you around. Not right now, not with how disappointed and angry you are."
Fuck! Running a hand through my hair, I close my eyes and inhale through my nose.
"I'm going back to my house for—"
"That's not your house," I growl. "Your home is with me."
"That's not what I meant," she sighs. "I'm going to stay at Serena's for a couple days—"
"A couple days?" I exclaim. "You're going to run and hide from me?"
"I'm not hiding, Chris," she says, sounding tired. "I called so you would know where Maggie and I are. I just need a couple days. Can you give me that?"
"Do I have a fucking choice?" The question lacks the anger I want it to have.
"No," she instantly responds, "you don't. I need this, Chris. I have a lot to figure out."
"Damn it, Mia, baby, I know I've been a jerk. I'm so sorry. Just come home and we'll figure out what to do together," I beg.
"You've made your wishes clear. Now I need to figure out mine."
Heat blossoms in my chest, rising into my neck. A light sweat coats my skin and my stomach knots.
"Please, Mia, don't do this. Don't leave me."
"It's only for a couple days. I'll be back before our flight." There's a hiccup in her voice once more, and it guts me.
Before our flight? That's more than a couple days away.
"I love you," are the only words I can form.
"I love you, too," she says, just before ending the call.
Releasing the phone, it slides down my cheek and thuds onto the table. I fold my arms on the wooden surface and drop my head onto them.
"I'm fucking losing her," I whisper into the darkness created by my arms.
"Chris?" Gwen calls, but I can't look at her.
Anger, fear, despair take turns drowning me in their waves.
"Christopher," she sighs my name, placing a hand on my back. "Give her time."
I'm so sick of hearing "give me time, give her time”.
"Yeah, everyone keeps saying that," I growl, shoving the chair back from the table.
Gwen jumps out of the way, pity in her eyes.
I fucking hate pity.
"And when she gets enough time and space, she'll wise the fuck up and walk away from my bullshit," I snap at Gwen, pushing out of the chair.
"Don't take this out on her," Nic warns from the doorway.
Taking a deep breath, I turn toward Gwen and take her in my arms.
"I'm sorry," I apologize, giving her a light squeeze before releasing her and walking away.
"Where are you going?" Nic calls out when I reach the front door.
"I need time," I retort sarcastically.
Once out of the house, I take a deep breath. The cold air is a sharp shock to my nose.
When I start the car and pull out of the driveway, my first instinct is to drive to Mia. But at the end of Nic and Gwen's road, when I should turn left, I turn right and head to an empty house.
I guess I should get used to it being empty.
Mia
"You all right?" Kat sits down on the cushion next to me.
Unable to speak, I stare at my cell phone in my lap and shake my head.
"So, who all knows about this?" she asks, taking a sip from her mug.
Shrugging, I fight back the sobs building in my chest.
"Okay," she draws out the word. "Are you calling off the wedding?"
Jerking my head up to look over at her, I ask, "What?"
"You heard me," she retorts with a sniff. "Are you calling off the wedding?"
"No," I blurt without a second thought.
"Okay then." She grins.
Furrowing my brow, I swallow the lump in my throat, and ask, "Why?"
Her grin turns to a full-blown smile.
Leaning forward, she places her mug on the coffee table and turns her body to face me.
"The fact that you aren't even thinking about calling off the wedding tells me you still love the big jerk."
"Of course I still love him. Why would you even think—?"
"Let me finish," she cuts me off, rolling her eyes. "It also tells me where we're at in this. You aren't calling off the wedding, but you need a couple days to process his reaction to the maybe-baby."
Sighing, I slouch back into the couch.
"You also need to figure out how you feel about it," she adds, reaching out and taking her mug into her hand once more.
I drop my head back on the couch and stare up at the ceiling.
"I won't get an abortion," I state. "Another baby, right now, isn't exactly ideal, and to be honest, I'm not exactly thrilled at the idea."
"With everything we have going on, I can understand that."
"But a part of me will be sad if there isn't a baby." Groaning at my conflicted feelings, I rub my hands over my face. "I know. It doesn't make any fucking sense."
"It makes perfect sense."
Rolling my head to the side, I look at Kat's scrunched up face.
"You know what it's like to be a mom and you're realizing you might want that again, even if right now isn't the best time. You also know how freaked out Chris is, so if you aren't pregnant now, then chances are, you won't have the opportunity again."
"Are you fucking Dr. J? ‘Cause you sound like him," I tease.
Kat shrugs one shoulder. "Not really my type, but…" She lets the thought die and I laugh—hard.
"Look, you need to get your feelings figured out and then tell Chris what you want. If he's not on board, I'm sure you can sway him."
I open my mouth to argu
e, but she puts a hand up to silence me.
"But for this evening, we aren't thinking about a goddamn thing. Tonight, we are going to get sugar wasted and watch Purple Rain for the gazillionth time."
"Sugar wasted?" I raise a brow.
"Yep," she grins.
"Serena doesn't keep junk food in the house now that we've moved out," I remind her.
The evil glint in her eye makes me smile.
"I happen to know where Elliott keeps his stash."
"Lead the way," I giggle the words and follow Kat down to the basement.
"What the hell?" Elliott whines, finding Kat and me on the basement couch surrounded by candy wrappers and chip and cookie bags. "This is fucking thievery!"
"Watch your mouth," Kat scorns, nodding toward Maggie in the playpen we brought down to his 'man cave'.
"Sorry," he crosses his arms over his broad chest, "but I'm too busy watching your mouths devour my goody stash."
"How do you eat this stuff and not have a gut?" I ask around a mouth full of chips.
"Cardio," he responds, as if I should know this already.
"Does Serena know you have all this in the house?" Kat asks, taking a bite of a soft baked chocolate chip cookie.
"All of what?" Serena asks, striding down from the last step.
"Nothing," Elliott blurts, trying to block her from seeing the junk food.
Shoving him aside, she takes in the wrappers scattered around the table.
"You didn't eat all the Oreos, did you?" she asks, sitting on the leather couch between Kat and me.
"Nope," Kat says, handing the package to her.
"Awesome," Serena cheers, putting the cookies in her lap.
"What the hell?" Elliott says again.
"Babe, go get me some milk," she commands.
His brows knit together and his mouth opens.
Twisting a cookie open, Serena takes a long lick from the creamy center.
"Please?" she asks, licking her bottom lip.
Elliott's mouth snaps shut and he turns, trudging up the stairs.
Kat puts her fist up to Serena. "Respect, my sister. You got him to do your bidding from licking a goddamn cookie."
"Yeah." She shrugs, bumping her fist to Kat's. "The only drawback is he takes longer when walking around with a hard on."
The three of us fall into a fit of laughter before turning our attention back to the movie just in time to sing Purple Rain with Prince.
