Yes, Sylvia put the nail in the coffin.
We followed the others into the house.
Chapter 19—Daniel
The delicious smells of Aunt Jenny’s cooking filled every corner. I went out to the back porch and washed off some of the grime from the long bus ride.
When I went back in, I joined the family already gathered around the table. Aunt Jenny had piled it high with dried butterbeans, dried black-eyed peas, fried cornbread, fried chicken, dressing, and dumplings.
All foods I would normally have dove into. Now my appetite was gone.
I pretended to eat, toying with my food. Momma, though, was enjoying hers. She still had a pinched, pale complexion from being confined so long, but her face had already begun to fill out, and the dark circles under her eyes had faded since I had seen her at Christmas.
Zeke talked excitedly about our bus trip, getting most things wrong since he slept most of the way. Laurie and William laughed and teased him.
Aunt Jenny and Uncle Colt also talked and laughed. I stayed quiet.
And it wasn’t just over Michael. I felt left out, utterly alone. No one talked directly to me. Maybe Aunt Jenny had told them about Michael, and they thought I didn’t want to be bothered. But being ignored just increased my sadness.
I had no one. Probably never would. Sure, I had my aunts and uncles, my cousins, my brother, but, somehow, it wasn’t enough. Maybe because I’d never had a mother’s love.
After Zeke ran out of things to tell, Momma turned to face me. “Jay, Colt found me some rooms in town.” She looked from me to Uncle Colt.
Uncle Colt nodded. “I’ve taken over the farm and hired a couple of men to work it. We’ve managed to make the payments on it so far. Your momma has decided she doesn’t want to live there anymore.”
My eyes widened in surprise. “You’re not going back home?”
Momma shook her head. “I can’t make a go of it. I’ll never be able to repay Colt for all he’s done.” Her cheeks reddened. “I had no right to force you and Zeke to work your fingers to the bone.”
This new momma I didn’t recognize. I continued staring at her until she dropped her eyes.
Everyone had fallen silent, waiting, I thought, to see what I would say. I squirmed in my seat, aware that I should say something to encourage her. “That’s okay, Momma.”
It was all I could think to say. It seemed to be enough.
Momma raised her eyes and smiled at Aunt Jenny. “I fixed up the apartment right nice with Jenny’s help.”
I waited, knowing more was to come.
Momma looked at me, her eyes filled with uncertainty. “I want you and Zeke to move in with me.”
I sucked air between my teeth but didn’t speak.
“We can come back, Momma?” Zeke scooted from his chair and rushed around the table to throw his arms around her.
Momma lifted Zeke into her lap and brushed his hair back. “If y’all want to.” Tears glistened in her eyes.
Zeke’s eyes sought mine. “Jay?”
I swallowed the lump in my throat and mulled it over. Did Momma really want me back? Or, did she just want Zeke? Did I want to move back? In a way, it would be better. Now that Michael was in Auburn, I would be less likely to cross his path if I stayed here. Move back. Resume my old life.
No, not my old life. My old life was long gone. I searched the faces around me. My cousins, my aunt and uncle. And Zeke. Were they enough to keep me here?
I shrugged my shoulders. “I need to think about it.”
Momma didn’t argue. “Just take your time. No need to decide today.”
“All right.” I got up and started clearing the table.
Aunt Jenny shooed me out, telling me to go rest.
It saddened me even more. Aunt Jenny didn’t want my help.
What was wrong with me? I knew Aunt Jenny and Uncle Colt loved me. Why, then, did I feel so abandoned?
I ran out of the house and headed to Cedar Spring. What should I do? Did I belong anywhere?
If no one wanted me, I would go back to Plainsville. But, could I possibly leave Zeke with Momma? Wasn’t he the only one left who really loved me? And, what if she went crazy again, and I lost him?
I followed the trail through the woods down to Cedar Spring. The heat and humidity caused sweat to trickle down my brow.
It was hard to believe Momma was leaving the farm, moving into town. Then I remembered she came from a large city. She probably wanted to live in town.
Not me. I wanted to live back on the farm, back where I once lived with Poppa, the place where I once felt love.
Would I ever be able to live on the farm again? Uncle Colt was paying the mortgage. Didn’t that mean the farm was his? I would never be able to pay him back, even if one day he agreed to sell it back to me.
I sat on a rock and let my hand trail into the cool stream, still as confused as ever. Tadpoles swam close to the edge, many already with legs emerging. I thought of the frog in the cream, swimming around and around. Wasn’t that what I had been doing? But where had it gotten me? I still drowned, only now sucked into the butter, unable to move on.
A twig snapped, and I raised my head.
Daniel stood at the edge of the clearing.
A smile spread across his face when he saw me look up. He walked to me, and I watched him approach.
“Hey, Jay. I didn’t know you were here.”
“I didn’t know you were either.” I moved over on the rock to allow him to sit beside me.
“Decided to use my weekend pass to come visit the old home place,” he said.
I nodded. “We came to see Momma. She was released from the hospital a few days ago.” How much did he know about Momma? It wasn’t a secret how she had acted after Poppa died.
“That’s great news. Is she doing good?”
“Yeah.” I looked down at my hands, trying to sort through my feelings. For some reason, Dan sitting next to me didn’t feel awkward at all. What was wrong with me? Too much on my mind to care anymore?
I turned to face him. “She wants me to move back.”
“You don’t sound too happy about it.” His gentle voice persuaded me to continue.
“I don’t know what to do. She wants me and Zeke to move to a place in town.”
“Oh, so not back to the farm?”
“No. Uncle Colt has taken over the farm.” It hurt to say the words. I knew Uncle Colt couldn’t be expected to make payments for no telling how long, and then give it back to me. It wouldn’t be fair to him.
“I know that must be difficult for you.”
“It’s okay.” I waved a hand in dismissal of the farm, although its loss would forever haunt me. I lifted my head to look into his eyes of hazel. “I don’t know what to do about Zeke. I can’t leave him here, can I?”
“I don’t know.” His eyes clouded. “Do you want to move back?”
“I want to go to college. Become a veterinarian. If I move back ...”
“You’re not sure if you would ever fulfill your dream?” Daniel watched me, his eyes compassionate.
“Yes. But I don’t know what Momma might do. She could go crazy again like she did before.” I chewed my lip.
“People can change, Jay.”
I searched his eyes. The way he said it made me wonder if he spoke of Momma or himself. I shrugged. “But what if she goes back to the way she was?”
A kind smile spread across his face. “Sometimes you just have to have faith in people.”
Did he mean I should have faith in him? “It’s hard when they’ve hurt you.” And, I didn’t know if I meant Momma or him.
“Jay, what do you want?”
His question startled me. “What do you mean?”
“Do you want to stay here or in Plainsville? Forget about Zeke for a moment. What do you want?”
“I want to stay in Plainsville,” I said without hesitation.
“Stay there, then. Your aunt and uncle are nearby in case anything happens.
They would watch out for Zeke.”
I slid off the rock and moved a few feet away. I studied him, and he allowed me, not showing the least embarrassment. He met my gaze undisturbed.
I saw that Sylvia was right. Daniel wore a short-sleeve shirt and looked fit and tan. He had never looked better.
Daniel came to me, and I stayed rooted to the spot. He gazed at me with ... with such tenderness that I realized Michael was right, too. Daniel loved me.
Chapter 20—Daniel’s Friendship
I licked my lips. “I saw Michael. He was on the bus, and he told me he was dating Sylvia.” I blurted it out without thought.
He nodded his head, his eyes still tender. Suddenly, without knowing how, my head lay on his shoulder, and he wrapped his arms around me.
I struggled but tears came. I cried until I hiccupped. He stroked my hair, making shushing noises, yet the tears still came.
“I’ve tried to talk to Michael,” he said.
“What?” His voice sounded far away. I straightened and tried to staunch the tears, to understand what he was saying.
“I’ve tried to talk to him. You see it’s my fault.”
“What do you mean?”
“It’s my fault he drinks. We started when we were very young — we were in sixth grade. I snuck a bottle of whiskey out of my house. That’s the first time we got drunk.” He pulled out his handkerchief and offered it to me.
I took it and wiped at the tears. “Yes, Michael told me he started drinking when he was young. Your parents didn’t know?”
He stared into the distance. “My father may have known. I don’t think he cared. My mother had already died by then.”
My conscience pricked me. I had never thought about Daniel’s relationship with his father. Never even thought about the death of his mother.
“Michael and I — sometimes others, like William — would sneak whiskey from my father. Sometimes we would buy whiskey, moonshine, whatever we could get our hands on.”
“My cousin William?” Was that who Michael had meant when he accused someone in my family of being a drunk? Was it William?
“William only went with us a couple of times then he stopped. I think maybe your uncle caught him.” He gave a slight grimace. “If we’d all been lucky enough to have fathers who cared ...”
I let out a sigh of relief — no, it wasn’t William. “Michael’s father didn’t care?” I had always thought he seemed like a nice man. Did Michael have problems I knew nothing of? How selfish I had been—not noticing others struggled just as I did. Maybe more.
“I don’t know. Michael’s always been a little wild. Maybe his father couldn’t stop him. Or maybe he never found out.” He shrugged. “Sometimes we’d take the whiskey to school in our lunchboxes.”
I nodded my head, thinking about how the older boys were always so chummy at recess and the lunch period. “And the teachers didn’t know?”
He shrugged his shoulders. “If they did, they never said anything.”
“What made you quit?”
“After I joined the army, I kept drinking. But it only got me into more and more trouble. One of my army buddies told me about this new group — Alcoholics Anonymous. I started going to the meetings. It’s been a struggle, but meeting with those going through the same thing, somehow it’s easier.”
“Yes, I think it would be.”
“And one of the steps is to make amends to those we have wronged. Michael was the first one I considered. It’s my fault he’s an alcoholic.”
I felt sick to my stomach. “You think Michael is an alcoholic?”
“Michael always drank more than I did. He pretty much lived on the verge of drunkenness every single day.” He looked at me solemnly. “Still does.”
This was hard for me to comprehend. I shook my head again. “How would I not know? How can he hide it?”
“He’s one of those who can hold their liquor. And, he’s good at hiding it. They learn to keep a distance between themselves and others.” He shrugged his shoulders. “There’s different ways of hiding it.”
I looked at him doubtfully, not sure how I could have missed the signs, no matter what Daniel told me. “So what happened when you talked to Michael?”
“He wouldn’t listen. He said his drinking was under control. I told him about AA, and he said it was all a bunch of nonsense. Said his drinking was no big deal.”
“Yes, he said that to me, too.”
“I told him he needed to be honest with you.”
“When? On that day when he was so angry? When he brought the horses? Did you tell him then?”
“Yes. I’m sorry.” He sighed heavily. “I didn’t know he would react that way.”
“It’s not your fault.” I suddenly realized Daniel still held me in his arms. I pushed gently away. “I’d better get going. I wanted to go by Poppa’s ... our farm.”
Daniel didn’t immediately release me. “Can I come with you?” His voice was a soft whisper in my ear.
I hesitated then nodded my head. “Sure.” My emotions were in a turmoil and maybe I needed a friend.
He released me, and I led the way from the clearing.
His arms had offered such comfort. He really did seem to care. Maybe I could learn to care for him in the same way, if I would only allow myself.
We walked without speaking until we came to the old farm. He hung back, allowing me to wander down to the barn and around the house. The house was locked. I’d have to ask Uncle Colt for a key if I wanted to go in, but, I wasn’t sure if I wanted to — it might be too difficult.
I looked into the windows. Most of the furniture had been removed. Momma had taken it to furnish the apartment, I supposed. No, it was not my home now. If I went inside, that would just make it more painfully clear.
I was aware Daniel’s eyes followed me although he still kept his distance. I walked slowly back to him.
He held out a hand to me. “I can help you, Jay.”
I didn’t take his hand. It was too soon.
He let his hand fall to his side. “Will you let me?”
I searched his eyes. “I don’t know.”
He didn’t seem angry, only smiled.
I allowed him to walk me back to Aunt Jenny’s house. He asked if he could see me again. I nodded my assent, and he left without coming in.
Aunt Jenny was the only one at the house when I got back. Her anxious eyes surveyed me. “We were getting worried about you.”
I waved a hand at her. “I’m okay, Aunt Jenny.”
Relief washed over her face. She motioned me to sit, and I obeyed.
“Do you want a cup of coffee? Just made some fresh.”
“Yes, please.”
She poured us each a cup and brought them to the table.
“Where is everyone?” I asked.
“They all went into town with Molly. Your uncle will take you later. I wanted to talk to you first.”
I waited for her to continue.
“Your uncle and I think you should go back to Plainsville and leave Zeke here. He’s young and needs to be with his mother.”
Surprise crossed her face when I nodded my head. “She seems changed. I know you and Uncle Colt will be there for Zeke if he needs you.”
“You know we will. And, if we see there’s a problem, we’ll let you know.”
I took a sip of the strong, black coffee. “I wish I could be sure she’s really changed ...”
“Sometimes we just have to trust people, Jay. And trust God.”
Just what Daniel had said. I nodded my head. “I know.”
Aunt Jenny looked at me steadily. “Your uncle and I want you to finish high school, go on to college.” She took my hand in hers. “Jay, do what you dream of. We can’t live others’ lives for them. Zeke has his own life.”
“But, Aunt Jenny, if I don’t stay with Zeke, will folks think I’m selfish?”
“No. Preparing for your future is not selfish. Zeke will be fine. And if there are those who th
ink you are, who cares what they think?”
I laughed. “You’re right. I have to learn to trust.” I finished my coffee, wondering if my trust would be strong enough.
“You’ll see. God’s plans are much better than any we can come up with. He’s got great things in store for you.” She pushed back from the table. “Want to go to the garden with me?”
“Sure.” Daniel and Aunt Jenny had helped me realize the path I needed to choose. Life consisted of losses. Yet, the pain of losing Poppa, Michael, and now Zeke threatened to tear my soul in two. Daniel seemed ready to help me through this new loss. Who would’ve thought?
Shaking my head at the mystery of God, I followed Aunt Jenny out to the garden.
Chapter 21—Telling Momma
Uncle Colt took me into town on the wagon and dropped me off at a house that had been divided in half to make two apartments. Momma’s was the one on the right, Uncle Colt had told me.
I headed up the wooden steps. I barely knocked when Zeke opened the door and threw his arms around me.
The apartment consisted of a large front room, two small bedrooms, and a tiny kitchen. Zeke ran around the small space, showing me every inch. A backdoor led from the kitchen to a porch area. A bathroom had been built on one end of the porch to be shared by both apartments.
Momma smiled, her eyes shining. She ushered me to a couch in the front room. Zeke climbed up beside me while Momma settled into the rocking chair, the one from our old house. The one she rocked so hard whenever she became upset. Now, the rockers simply bumped the floor gently.
Momma scrutinized me. “You’ve changed,” she said.
She was right. I had. I nodded my head.
She smiled. “I’ve got a job, Sarah Jane.”
“That’s good. Where at?”
“I’m working at the ten cent store up the street. It’s an easy walk from here.”
“That’s good, Momma.”
She kept watching me closely. “I want you and Zeke to come live with me. You could help out, Sarah Jane. Someone needs to watch Zeke while I work. When he starts to school in the fall, someone will need to take him and pick him up.”
Clothed in Thunder Page 9
