“We aren’t married anymore,” he continued with a look that suggested he was unhappy about this particular turn of events. “You lived with your mom after the divorce. I moved to Alaska and didn’t get to see you as much growing up as I’d have liked.”
He finally returned his gaze to her, and Ellie smiled encouragingly.
“Umm, we can talk about everything more once you’re feeling better,” he stuttered. “Right now, you need to just rest and focus on getting better.” Her dad took a deep breath and stepped back from the bed, suddenly looking like he’d aged another ten years since she’d woken up. He held his hat tightly in his hands, slowly twisting them until she was sure the hat would rip.
A flurry of doctors and nurses rushed into the room, forcing Ellie’s father back. Everything seemed to slow down around her as Ellie struggled to understand what they were saying—and, more importantly, what it all meant. Her arm was put into a cuff that started to tighten while a bright light was shone into her eyes.
No longer able to stay strong, Ellie finally let the tears flow freely down her cheeks.
“On a scale of one to ten, how much are you hurting, darlin’?” the same nurse from before asked her with that same reassuring smile.
“Ten,” Ellie answered without hesitation. She had to believe that there was no way this could get any worse. Otherwise, she wasn’t sure she’d survive the night—let alone an entire life.
Chapter 3
Ellie slurped on a spoonful of sodium-free, taste-free hospital broth, only to find her first non-intravenous meal in several days interrupted when a bossy woman strode into her room and began complaining about everything in sight.
“This bed isn’t at the optimal angle,” she told a nurse as she dug about in her designer handbag for a little compact mirror that she used to apply a dark shade of lipstick to her over-plumped lips.
“And why don’t we have a more private suite?” she demanded of a passing doctor. Her short, spiky haircut remained perfectly still as she shook her head in dismay.
“You!” she said, locking eyes on Ellie’s father. A horrible expression overtook her face as she pushed the poor man toward the hall. “Oh, you definitely have some explaining to do!”
“Aren’t you going to say hello to our daughter first?” her dad asked the woman, and Ellie realized in dread that this high-strung woman must be her mother. Heaven help her. Heaven help them all.
“Of course I’ll say hi to Ellie, but first we need to have a word in private…” She pushed him the rest of the way into the hall and fully out of sight. But not even the rush of the busy hospital could drown out her shouts.
Ellie couldn’t hear her father’s end of the conversation, but she heard every word her mother spoke.
“I just find it awfully convenient that you show up here now. I suppose you think since she has no memory of the past, you can just waltz in here and be father of the year. Well, it’s too late for that, Stewart Hawkins. I’m her mother and her father. We didn’t need you then, and we don’t need you now.”
Ellie pushed her bowl of broth away and gazed at the world outside her window, hoping for a distraction from the fight brewing inside. A cardinal had built its jagged little nest on the outcropping of building that faced her. She watched the intrepid bird as it flew away, only to come back moments later with food to drop into the small mouths that poked over the top. Ellie absently wondered if the poor mama ever had a chance to eat anything for herself.
The voices coming from the hallway just past her door had leveled out somewhat. Her father’s was louder, angrier now, and her mother’s had become cold and disconnected. Now she could hear both sides of their intense conversation and, despite her better judgment, she listened in, hoping she might learn something about the world she had yet to remember.
“Listen, Arlene, I came here to be with my daughter because I love her. There is no hidden agenda. I came before I even knew she had no memory of the past. I came because I needed to see that she was all right. And I’ve stayed because I want her to get better. I’m not leaving until I know she is.” She imagined her father crossing his arms and staring down the bridge of his nose at his parenting rival.
But her mother was not to be deterred. Somehow Ellie doubted she ever backed down from a fight. “Well, you have no right to be here. Just go back to your stinky farm in Alaska and let me take care of her like I always have.”
“That was your choice, Arlene. I’ve always tried to do right by Ellie, but you wouldn’t let me. Well, I’m not letting you do that anymore. I’m Ellie’s father and I have just as much right to be here as you do.”
Ellie’s mouth turned up slightly as she smiled for the first time since she’d woken up to this living nightmare. The past few days seemed like an eternity as she had test after test to see what was wrong with her. And her dad had been by her side through it all, even before her mom had arrived. So she didn’t care what had happened in the past. Right now, he was the longest memory she had, and she needed him here with her.
The nurse’s assistant who’d entered the room somewhere between “I’m not leaving” and “you have no right” gave her a sympathetic smile as she pulled the sheet tight on the bed. “I’ll take your meal tray now. Is there anything else you need?” She came over and put the cover on the tray before lifting it away.
Ellie shook her head and offered a polite smile. “No, I’m fine. I mean, we should probably leave something for them to take care of. Maybe that way they’ll forget about wanting to kill each other for a bit.”
There was no sense pretending the woman hadn’t heard her parents arguing. Everyone in a thirty-mile radius had probably heard. Everyone knew just as much about Ellie’s life as she did because, yes, the memories still hadn’t come back.
“They’re just worried about you.” Patting her arm gently, the woman smiled again and left the room. A moment later, Ellie could hear the aide telling her parents that they could go back inside.
“Hi, Mom.”
Her father raised an eyebrow. “Are your memories coming back to you now, Ellie?”
Heat rose to Ellie’s cheeks. She hadn’t meant to give the poor guy false hope. Before she could answer, her mother rushed to her side with a massive look of disappointment on her face.
“Oh, for goodness sake, why do they insist on putting your hair in that awful ponytail? Just because you’re in the hospital doesn’t mean you need to look like you’ve just walked in off the street.”
“I mean, I almost died, so… maybe my hair isn’t the most important thing in the world right now?”
“And you’ve made a miraculous recovery. The media is going to be all over this, and we need to make sure everyone sees how beautiful you are when you’re properly made up.” Her mom reached out again, shaking her head in disgust as she made a clucking sound with her tongue. “Speaking of that, I’ll put your makeup on for you today. They wouldn’t know how to do that right anyway. It’s time for you to start feeling more human again. We’ll have to wait until the stitches come out around your eye before doing anything about that, but I’m sure we can cover it all up with the right product. And once you’re feeling better, we can talk to the plastic surgeon about fixing any remaining scars.”
“Arlene, Ellie looks beautiful just as she is. She doesn’t need to be all done up with makeup and hairspray. No one is going to care about her scars.”
Her mother spun around and glared at her father. “Maybe it isn’t important to you, but looking her best matters to Ellie. She has a reputation to uphold, and there’s nothing that shows true strength to the world than being all done up, as you say, even when things are going wrong.”
Just like that, Ellie slipped back into the invisible place where her parents talked about her rather than to her. She honestly didn’t care what she looked like at the moment and had to wonder if she had ever cared as much as her mother seemed to in this moment. Had she really been so superficial? Would it even be worth getting her memo
ries back, or would she hate who she once was? Maybe she didn’t have to be that person anymore. Maybe this really was a blessing in disguise, an opportunity to make a change. That is, if her parents would stop bickering long enough to let her…
“Does it matter to Ellie, or does it matter to you?” her father spat. “And who does she have to show her strength to? The only ones who matter at this point are the doctors who are trying to find out what’s wrong and Ellie herself. There’s no one else she needs to put on any kind of show for. I can see her strength without needing her covered in that clown makeup you think is so important.”
Ellie’s eyes widened slightly as she cringed and she slowly looked at her mom to see how she was going to react.
Predictably, her mom balled her hands into fists at her side and clenched her jaw as the impact of that blow hit. She sucked in a deep breath, no doubt ready to launch into a tirade of her own.
Thankfully, at that moment, Dr. Crosse walked into the room with his interns right behind him. He came every morning, a wide smile on his face as he greeted her. “How’s my favorite patient doing this morning?”
“I’m feeling a bit better today, Dr. Crosse. I was able to walk to my chair on my own today without too much pain.”
He nodded and looked down at his chart. “Well, I’m glad to hear that the physiotherapy is helping. Keep going every day and you’ll be up and walking about in no time.”
After getting over the shock of having no memory, Ellie had discovered that she’d suffered a few more injuries than just a knock on the head. One shoulder had been dislocated and a few of her ribs had been cracked. And, much to the apparent horror of her mother, she’d suffered many cuts and bruises on her face, arms, and chest that were going to take some time to heal. It seemed like every part of her body hurt, but thankfully nothing else had been seriously broken.
The doctors had all been shocked she hadn’t suffered anything more serious, considering the wreckage she’d been pulled from. Everyone agreed that the most concerning injury was the blow she’d taken to her head and whether it was something she could recover from. While the physiotherapy was helping with the aches in her body as she tried to get mobile again, nothing seemed to be helping with the memories that had been erased.
“And we have the results from your scans yesterday. It looks like the swelling around your brain is starting to go down, so we are hopeful that in time your memories will return. We can’t guarantee that everything will come back, but sometimes in cases like this, you just need to be patient.”
“Be patient? Really?” Her mother turned all her aggression onto the poor doctor. “That’s all you can offer us? Can’t you do something to help? That is what we’re paying you for, right?”
Ellie turned to look back out the window, not wanting to hear her mother’s voice at the moment. She focused back on the bird outside, patiently feeding each of the open mouths.
Patience. It was a word she’d heard so many times since she’d woken up and she’d been trying her best to wait without worrying.
But how could she not?
At this point, she felt as if she’d never be herself again. And if she wasn’t herself, then who the heck was she?
Chapter 4
Another few days passed with no answers. Ellie’s physical injuries were healing nicely, but her memories remained locked deep inside some kind of secret vault she couldn’t yet access. The medical staff began to suggest that Ellie could go home, but what was home without any of the special memories that made it yours? Just a house without its heart.
Ellie also cringed at the thought of spending all her days at the mercy of her momager. She’d, no doubt, start a press tour. She’d already been talking to some up-and-coming screenwriter about making a movie out of this entire experience, which would help take Ellie from model to model-actress.
Of course, Ellie didn’t want to jump right back into her old life, not until she understood. Not until she remembered.
“You’ve always loved horses, Ellie,” her father said one evening as they were discussing her various options for the umpteenth time. “It would be the perfect chance to relax and recover at your own pace while getting back to the heart of who you are.”
Who I am, or who I was? she wondered, because frankly the thought of going anywhere outside these hospital walls terrified her.
“I don’t know,” Ellie hedged. “I can’t even remember being around horses. Even if I did know how to ride, I’m sure I won’t now. And they’re such huge animals. I think I’ll be terrified to be near them.”
Her mother shook her head vigorously. They’d had this conversation a million times before, but she never lost that fervor that seemed to come from fighting with her ex-husband. “Stop trying to push your agenda onto poor Ellie. She never liked horses as much as you wanted to let yourself believe. The best place for her right now is with me. I can make sure she has the best therapists and doctors money can buy. I will not let my daughter be dragged up to Alaska to be left to wither away on some ranch in the middle of nowhere just because you want to finally win.”
“Mom…” Ellie warned, but when the older woman made no move to stop her rant, Ellie found herself yelling just so that she would be heard. “This is my decision to make, not yours.”
Ever since she’d first arrived in a cloud of Chanel No. 5 and a sweeping flourish of her Hermes scarf, Ellie’s mother had been working her last nerve. Still, she didn’t have the heart to come right out and ask her to leave. Even though Ellie couldn’t remember what all had happened in her past, one thing that had been made abundantly clear was that she’d been raised by her mother. And her mom made sure to pound that fact in at every opportunity.
Dr. Crosse sat down on the bed across from her. He’d witnessed the arguments between her parents so many times that he probably didn’t even hear them anymore. It still embarrassed her, though, so Ellie rolled her eyes with a studied light-heartedness she didn’t actually feel.
“Ellie, your father is right. I’ve heard about animals being able to offer healing that the medical profession just can’t. Sometimes just having the time to recover on your own time is what is needed. We can’t offer you any more here than what we’ve been doing. Your body has healed, so now it’s time to focus on the rest. I’m not saying we’re giving up on you, but if you are willing to give this a try, it might just offer you the miracles we can’t.”
“Do you honestly think it could work?” If the doctor sided with her father, then they might just be able to overrule her mother’s wishes. Ellie just might be able to make a great escape yet.
Dr. Crosse had always been straight with her. If he said spending time with horses would help her get better, then she believed it, too. She wanted to get better. Needed to.
He nodded. “I do. I went and researched this Memory Ranch after your father mentioned it yesterday. And it looks like exactly the kind of place that could provide you with the final part of your healing. If anything can give you your memories back, it would be a place like this.”
Ellie swallowed hard, leaned back in her hospital chair, and closed her eyes for a moment. The familiar twinge of pain shot through her head as it did whenever she tried to concentrate on something too long. Would she ever be normal again?
Feeling large hands take hers, she opened her eyes and looked at her father who sat crouched in front of her. “Ellie, you’re starting to remember. You are. You just need time to pull the rest of the memories out. If you can let yourself relax enough to let the memory come through that you’re seeing at night, I’m sure that’s all it will take to find the rest of them.”
Dr. Crosse stood up and looked down at her father with frown. “Mr. Hawkins, you know I’ve told you that the dreams she’s having might not be actual memories. They’re likely nothing more than Ellie taking what she knows now and trying to piece it all together.”
Might. Even the good doctor didn’t know. Which meant the dreams also could be real. They could be the o
nly clues she had to discovering the real Ellie, not the little girl frozen in time her father craved or the glamorous superstar her mother clearly wanted her to be.
Ellie’s first dream had come to her a few nights ago. When she closed her eyes now, she could still remember…
Especially because she’d had it every night since.
A man was holding her, and no matter how hard she reached for him, he seemed to just keep getting farther away. She couldn’t see his face or hear his voice, but she knew she desperately wanted to stay in his arms.
No matter how much Ellie struggled, cried, or begged, every night he would keep moving out of reach until she couldn’t even see him anymore. He was nothing more than a silhouette that promised her the comfort she so desperately craved if she could just get to him, a shadow of a beautiful memory that left her crying out into the night.
When she’d told her parents about the vivid dreams that felt so real, they looked at each other and smiled—perhaps for the first time in the history of the universe.
“Your memories are coming back!” her father had said with a little fist pump high in the air.
“That man must be your father. Better you remember him than nothing at all,” her mother had added, but despite her biting words, she looked truly happy in that moment.
Dr. Crosse had initially been optimistic, too, but he’d also told her not to get her hopes up. But, how could she not? Before she had nothing, and now she had something. Confusing as the dreams were, they were something.
The hope she saw reflected in her father’s eyes wrapped around her heart. She couldn’t just continue to sit here in this hospital room feeling sorry for herself and listening to her parents argue about everything.
She needed to get out there and make some concerted efforts toward her recovery. If her father believed this would work, she was willing to give it a try. She still wasn’t entirely convinced horses were the answer, but really, what was the worst that could happen?
Memories of Home Page 2
