Landon’s laugh rumbled deep in his throat as he brought his hands up in surrender. “Okay, okay, you win! I’m going to quickly check on the horses and grab the sandwiches Liz sent for us. Try not to get into any trouble while I’m gone.”
When he winked at her, Ellie was sure her heart stopped beating. At least for a moment.
Watching him walk away now, she sighed softly to herself. Why did he have to be so perfect sometimes? Sometimes Landon irritated her to no end, but then he brought her to a place like this, and…
No and’s! she scolded herself. How can you be falling for someone else when you don’t even know who you are yet? And what about the man in your dreams? Do you really want to break his heart? Do you really want to cheat?
The answer of course was a resounding no.
Her thoughts drifted back to her dream last night. Who was the man she kept seeing? She still hadn’t been able to see his face, and it was killing her to think she might never figure out his identity. He was the only memory that had found her all the way in Alaska. And no matter what the doctors or anyone else said, Ellie knew he wasn’t something her mind had made up.
He was real, and she had to have loved him. She probably still did, but she couldn’t fully remember…
And it tore at her heart to know he might be out there somewhere while she was here falling for another man. What would happen if she gave in to her budding feelings for Landon only to regain her memories and rediscover her love for the dream man?
Everyone would get hurt then, and it was the last thing she wanted.
She leaned back against the tree and kept her gaze facing forward as Landon came back into view. How long had he left her alone with her thoughts? And was that move intentional?
Finishing his ascent, he folded his legs and sat down beside her, placing a satchel between them on the ground. “I brought you something else I thought you might like while you’re staying here,” he explained, and then pulled out a camera and offered it to her.
“It’s just one I had sitting around that I never have time to use. I figured it might be a way for you to pass the time while you get better.”
She looked down at the sleek digital camera in her hands, unsure of what she should say. “It looks brand new,” she blurted out, knowing what she should have said was thank you.
He shrugged and leaned forward onto his one bent knee. “I bought it a long time ago but never really used it. Someone may as well help it fulfill its purpose.”
Its purpose. She liked that. Now to find her purpose.
Except… in all the time she had spent with Landon, he’d never really talked about himself. Only the ranch, the horses, and the plans for Ellie’s recovery. Why was that? And was it Ellie’s fault for failing to ask, or was he hiding himself from her on purpose?
So many questions swirled through her head, she had to lie back in the grass to avoid getting dizzy.
What did it mean that he had singled her out for this special offering? Was he simply being nice? Or could he be falling for her, too?
“I’m not sure I would even know how to use it, but thank you. It’s going to be fun learning.” She smiled at him as she realized just how much this gift meant to her. He was right—there was a lot of beauty around here, and she couldn’t wait to take the pictures that would document all of it.
“It’s my pleasure,” Landon said as he pulled a sandwich out of the bag and handed it to her.
Placing the camera carefully beside her, she grabbed the proffered lunch, realizing only now just how hungry she’d become while also trying her best to ignore the jolt to her skin as his fingers briefly touched hers.
“So Landon…” she started as she unwrapped her sandwich. “You’ve never told me anything about yourself. Did you grow up in Alaska?”
He looked down at her suspiciously as he finished chewing. Was she being too forward? Too nosy?
Landon left Ellie to wonder as he slowly finished his bite then leaned back beside her. “No, I moved here when I found this job.”
“Do you have any family or anything around here? I know you live right on the ranch, so I was wondering if you ever leave to visit with anyone or go anywhere. It must get pretty boring always being in one place, no matter how beautiful that place is.”
From the corner of her eye, she could see him twisting some long pieces of grass between his fingers that were resting on his knees. Oh, gosh! She was rambling. She was being pushy! She should stop and apologize…
But then he answered. “No, my family is all over the place. It’s really just me on my own, and this ranch is pretty much my entire life at the moment.”
She could see he wasn’t comfortable talking about himself, but still Ellie couldn’t resist asking more questions. Suddenly, it had become very important to learn whatever she could about this strange cowboy who kept her company these days.
“So, no girlfriend?” As soon as the words escaped her mouth, Ellie’s cheeks burned with embarrassment. Why in the heck did I ask him that? And, more importantly, why am I dying to hear the answer?
“I mean, I can’t imagine a man like you wouldn’t have someone on his arm,” she continued, speaking quickly to alleviate the awkwardness from the situation. “I’m sure there are plenty of women around here who would enjoy your company. I know I do. I mean, I…”
Stop talking, Ellie! her inner critic screamed.
And now, of course, she was mortified. Way to play it cool, Ellie. Great job. She looked back at the mountains on the horizon, willing them to calm her racing heart. “You don’t have to answer that,” she mumbled into her sandwich.
Landon burst out into laughter—definitely not the response she’d expected. “No, Ellie,” he answered at last. “I don’t have a girlfriend. As a matter of fact, the only girl who has my attention at the moment is this stubborn redhead I’m teaching to ride. She’s more than enough for me at the moment.”
Ellie’s cheeks grew as red as her hair, she was sure of it. She took another bite of her sandwich, hoping in equal parts that she would and wouldn’t choke.
Chapter 15
Well, Ellie didn’t choke on her sandwich, and now she was forced to come up with some kind of response to Landon’s half-sarcastic, half-painfully-true statement. “You make me sound like I’m some kind of annoying child who doesn’t obey orders,” she said at last. Tears once again threatened to spill as she realized how true his words had been. She was a handful and then some. She did act like a temperamental child. But then again, what was a child besides a tiny human who had its full life ahead of it? Maybe Landon wasn’t so far off base, after all…
“No, no. Hey! I didn’t mean it like that. I mean, yeah, you’re not the biggest fan of rules and restrictions. But you also keep forgetting what you’ve been through. You push yourself too hard sometimes, and then you get frustrated with your lack of progress. Stop that.”
Ellie brought her knees up and hugged them close to her chest. “You have no idea how frustrating this all is. No idea what it’s like. The hospital, the therapy, the pharmacy full of medicines… none of it’s been enough yet. Nothing is happening, and it makes me wonder if I’m just kidding myself. I guess… I guess I just need something to happen to prove to me that I can get better.”
Ellie couldn’t believe she’d just voiced her deepest worries to Landon of all people. Would he think she was being weak? Complaining after he and Liz and the others had done so much to try to help her get better? She felt like the worst person in the world, until Landon looped an arm around her shoulder and pulled her gently to his side.
“You’re right—I can’t understand it, Ellie. All I can do is listen and try to help in whatever way you’ll let me.” He gave her a little squeeze and, for a moment Ellie felt safe. No matter what happened with her memories, she had people who cared for her. Maybe that could be enough.
But then Landon spoke again and ruined everything. “After all, it’s my job to help you get better,” he said with a c
asual shrug.
“Right, I forgot. I’m your job to take care of.” She slipped out of his arms and struggled to her feet, doing her best to maintain the tiny shred of dignity she had left as she brushed the grass from her bottom.
“That’s not what I meant, Ellie. I don’t just think of you as a job.” Landon was quick to his feet, a worried expression marring his handsome features.
“It’s okay. It doesn’t matter. Let’s just head back. You’re right. I’m tired. I want to go back to my cabin and grab a nap.” Her thoughts were jumbled, and she was embarrassed at how petty she was acting. She couldn’t even figure out what had set her off. They’d been having a nice time, sitting and talking, and for some reason she’d just let her insecurities get the best of her.
Maybe her head injury had done more to her than they’d all originally thought. Surely a rational person didn’t act like this.
“No, it does matter.” Landon placed a hand on her waist and waited for her to look up at him. “Ellie, tell me, what’s wrong? What’s really wrong?”
The harder Ellie thought about how she could possibly respond to that, the more a pulsing pain took over her head. Of course this would happen now. She was so broken, she couldn’t even think straight without injuring herself. Reaching up, she pinched the bridge of her nose and clenched her eyes tight. “Ugh. I’m sorry,” she groaned. “I just have a bit of a headache.”
Landon still held a hand on her waist and he brought his other to rest on her hip. She opened her eyes and found him gazing at her intently, his eyebrows pulled together in concern. He stood so very close now, and it felt so very nice. And she…
Without warning, a fresh deluge of tears broke through. Oh, great! That will make this whole thing less embarrassing.
“I don’t know what’s wrong with me,” she sputtered, trying to laugh at herself and failing.
“Nothing’s wrong with you, Ellie,” Landon assured her, but she found it impossible to believe him. “You’re—"
“Honestly, I don’t always just start bawling like a baby. I’m just so tired these days, and—”
“What do you mean? Aren’t you sleeping well at night?” Concern took over Landon’s entire face, and Ellie saw then that she meant far more to him than some job.
But the question remained—what did he mean to her? And what could she possibly do about it when the memories of her dream man haunted her night in and night out?
She shook her head and continued to cry. It couldn’t get any more embarrassing, so she might as well let it all out. “No, I can’t sleep. At least not well. There are certain memories trying to get through, and they seem to have chosen my dreams as the time to do it.”
Landon looked so happy for her. He didn't understand. Couldn’t understand. “Memories? That’s great, Ellie! Why didn’t you tell me before?”
“They’re almost there. Close enough to touch, but I can never quite reach them. I feel like I’m going crazy.” She laughed, not wanting to tell him about the man in her dreams. It felt too personal, too sacred.
“Everything I had before is just gone. And I don’t really know what I can look forward to in the future if I can’t even remember my past,” she admitted, tucking her face into his chest and allowing the huge, wracking sobs to take over.
Landon’s chest moved with every breath as the silence stretched between them. She listened to his heart, beating steady, strong. Why couldn’t everything in life be as steady and predictable as that heartbeat?
As Ellie wondered about this, Landon raised his thumbs to wipe away her tears. Then he cupped her cheeks and lifted her face to his. His large hat cast a shadow between them as he leaned closer.
Closer.
Closer still.
When at last his lips brushed against hers, Ellie was too mesmerized to pull away.
It was Landon who broke their kiss and said, “Even if you can never remember your past, Ellie, you always have your future ahead of you.”
He pressed his lips to hers again, as if to say and I want very much to be a part of that future.
Ellie’s legs barely held her as she clung to Landon, relishing the moment they’d shared even if it was all wrong for them to be together.
At last she found the strength to let go, to take a step back as she reached to tuck the stray pieces of hair behind her ears. She needed a moment to compose herself and get her heart rate back to normal.
What about him, Ellie? What about the man you’re dreaming of? Are you just going to give up on ever finding him and seeing just what he meant to you?
“Well, there’s still a lot I need to figure out before I’m willing to start looking ahead,” she said with an apologetic smile. Of course, she wanted to jump back into his arms and let him kiss her again, let him kiss her forever. But she knew she’d never be able to let herself look toward a possible future with him as long as the man from her past haunted her.
And nothing more could happen with Landon until she found him.
Chapter 16
That same night, Ellie decided to sneak out of her cabin and head to the stables on her own. She needed to get her mind off her kiss with Landon, and the best way to do that was to throw herself into her friendship with Penny.
As she crept across the landscape, she wondered if one could truly sneak when the sky at night was just as bright as the sky by day. She paused for a moment to snap a picture of a patch of fireweed. How could this beautiful flower be called a weed? She loved how depending on the angle, altitude, and time of day, the same blooms could be perceived as either purple or pink. She’d noticed this earlier in the day as she’d journeyed across the property, snapping pictures of everything in sight.
Her favorite shot was of a dragonfly she’d found sitting on a leaf near the cabins. She’d zoomed in close and picked up stunning details in the wings. Just like riding a horse, taking photos was something that felt natural, familiar—even if she couldn’t remember why.
In her life before, she knew she’d always have been on the other side of the lens. Hanging back and appreciating the beauty in other things, though, brought her peace now. She loved having the focus off her, allowing her to fade into the background while others took the center stage.
And she felt so grateful to Landon for giving her this gift. It was more than just a camera. It was an invitation to relax and take some of the pressure off herself. Did Landon know this would be the case? Did he always offer his charges gifts like these, or had he decided she was special to him?
Whatever his thoughts on their relationship, Ellie stood firm in the need to find her dream man before she could even consider anything more with Landon. She hoped this wouldn’t hurt him too badly. Then again, she still couldn’t understand why he was so interested in her in the first place.
A whinny over by the stables drew her attention. Penny stood waiting as if she somehow knew Ellie would be coming. This was the first night Ellie had chosen to visit the horse, but she still spent a couple hours every afternoon reading on a blanket by the pen. Sometimes she would read passages aloud, sneaking quick glances at the horse to see if she was listening. Occasionally, she’d stand at the edge of the fence and wait in case Penny wanted to come over to say hello.
She never did. At least not up close.
Over the last couple of weeks, this horse had become very important to Ellie, and she was determined to help her. Maybe deep down she figured that if she couldn’t do anything to help herself, perhaps she could for Penny.
Or maybe she just wanted to prove something to Landon.
Either way, she’d decided she was going to keep trying, even if Penny never did come closer. For now, she felt a kinship with the horse, and just being near her gave Ellie a purpose. If she continued to be patient and kind, then perhaps one day...
Tonight she’d brought an apple she’d saved from her lunch with Landon. Would the small treat be enough to woo the horse at last?
“Hello there, sweet girl,” Ellie cooed in the sam
e soft voice she used when reading to the horse. “I heard you calling me.”
She leaned over the fence and held the apple out between the rails. “If you come over, I can give it to you.”
Whenever she found herself alone with Penny in the afternoons and was absolutely certain no one lurked nearby, she found herself confiding secrets, speaking freely from her heart—worries and fears she hadn’t even voiced aloud to her doctors or therapists. It was soothing to Ellie to get the words out. And besides, Penny never judged—just quietly stood and listened.
“Landon gave me a camera today. He also gave me a kiss, but you don’t want to hear about that. Or maybe I don’t want to tell about it.” She raised her fingers to her lips, the memory of their kiss haunting her still. Is this how all memories were—both sweet and scary at the same time?
“Anyway,” she continued, doing her best to keep her voice calm and even as she spoke. “I can’t wait to take some lovely pictures of you, you gorgeous girl. But for now, why don’t you come over and take this tasty apple? I promise I won’t hurt you.”
Penny shook her head and made no effort to move either toward Ellie or away from her. And so Ellie waited.
The silence of night enveloped them, the only sound the heavy beating of Ellie’s heart and the rustling of leaves in the wind. Time passed. It was hard to tell how much, but Ellie waited. She’d stand here all night if that was what it took.
Penny took a step forward.
Ellie held her breath, kept her face blank, stayed as still as her aching limbs would allow.
Penny took another small step.
Then another.
The horse inched forward, snorting a soft warning, begging Ellie not to move, not to breathe, not to say a solitary word.
Memories of Home Page 8
