Specifically, her dreams…
“Thank you,” Liz said, handing the photo back so Ellie could place them all back into the envelope for safekeeping. “I think I’ll do just that. Now tell me what else you’ve been up to these past few days. I feel like I’ve missed out on so much as I spend all my free time getting ready for our end of summer barn dance. I barely even see my own husband anymore!”
Ellie took a sip of her iced tea and waved a hand absently in Liz’s direction. “Don’t worry about it, seriously. I’ve been having a great time hanging out with the horses, snapping pictures, and just being myself.”
She looked down at the shiny surface of the table before her. “Whoever that is.”
“I think you’re starting to find her,” Liz whispered consolingly. “And once you do, I’m sure your memories will start to come back.”
Ellie lifted her eyes and looked at Liz. Just how much should she share? And why was she so reluctant to do so?
In the few days since talking to Landon in the pasture when the memory of her mystery man had come so close, Ellie had started getting other small glimpses into the past now, too. She hadn’t told anyone because she’d been afraid it was just wishful thinking on her part.
But now sitting here with Liz, it felt safe to confide her newfound optimism…
“This morning, I had a flash of driving my car,” she started. “I know it was the car that was wrecked in the accident, but I don’t know if it was just before the crash or some time much earlier.” She shivered as she recalled the feeling of the steering wheel in her grip, the brightness of the sun in her eyes. “It felt very real.”
“Oh my gosh,” Liz squealed. “That’s fantastic! What did your doctor say?”
“Um, you’re the first person I’ve told,” Ellie admitted with a bashful smile. “I guess I just wanted to wait and see if more would come through. I’m hoping once Mom finds this Marshall guy maybe something will click in my brain and everything will come back.”
On the drive over to the restaurant she’d told Liz all about the mystery man in her dreams and how she thought she’d finally discovered his identity. Liz had seemed skeptical and told her not to put too much hope on some strange man she wouldn’t remember. So then why was she so excited about Ellie’s simple memory of her car?
“If Marshall is the man you’re trying to remember,” Liz said, “then I hope you don’t just expect all of those feelings to come rushing back the moment you see him. Don’t put too much pressure on yourself. Just… stay open.”
Ellie tilted her head as she contemplated her friend’s advice. “Why are you so reluctant about my meeting Marshall? It’s like you don’t believe he’s the right man.”
Liz narrowed her eyes at Ellie. “Do you believe he’s the right man?”
Now there was the million dollar question. All this time Ellie had assumed that finding her mystery dream man would be enough to bring everything back… But what if it wasn’t? What if Marshall wasn’t the one she was looking for? Or what if he actually was, but she still didn’t recognize him? Both prospects terrified her.
She swallowed hard before answering. “I honestly don’t know what to think. But he’s all I have to go on right now, so the sooner I can meet him, the sooner I’ll know… something. I guess if my memories still don't come back I’ll finally have to accept that the life I led before my accident is over.”
Liz sat quietly, studying her for what felt like hours before at last she spoke again. “You know, I’ve gone back and forth a hundred times on whether I should say this. I still don’t know what the right call is, but I’m just going to go for it.”
Ellie pushed her plate away and waited for whatever words Elizabeth Jane had to impart on her.
Liz also pushed her plate aside. “Keep in mind I don’t normally encourage our staff to become emotionally involved with guests. It isn’t professional and, well, it isn’t really fair to either party when one has come to heal and the other to make a living. Please just understand that what I’m about to say isn’t something I normally would.”
Liz paused and widened her eyes as if waiting for Ellie to finish her statement for her. And even though Ellie had a sense of what was coming next, she’d never admit it aloud.
At last, Liz sighed and continued. “Landon knows what happened to you and the struggle you’re going through as you try to recover. And he always knew what the consequences could be of letting emotions get involved. His first priority is definitely to help you get better. But I can see what’s happened—heck, everyone on the ranch, including old Howard can see it, and he’s half blind.”
Ellie bowed her head, unwilling to let Liz see the flush that overcome her.
“I don’t know who this Marshall is, or if he’s the one your heart is trying to find, but I do know that you can’t just ignore what is happening with Landon.” Her voice turned tender. “That might just be something that only happens once in a lifetime.”
Ellie clenched her jaw tight, trying not to say anything that would make this whole situation even more difficult. No one seemed to understand why she needed to meet Marshall so badly. Instead they all wanted her to pursue something with Landon, even though she knew she wasn’t ready yet. Even though her own heart felt like it was betraying her.
When it became clear Liz wasn’t going to say anything more, Ellie raised her head and asked in a strained whisper, “But what if I’ve already had that ‘once in a lifetime’ with the man from my memory? Can I really just walk away from that and pretend it didn’t happen?”
Liz shook her head and frowned. “No one is asking you to pretend anything. Please be careful. Don’t let what you’re trying to hold onto from your past end up destroying your future.”
Chapter 19
Hot liquid poured down Ellie’s front. But the scorching of her skin was nothing compared to the rage that flew through her veins.
“Ugh, you idiot! Why weren’t you more careful? It’s not like it requires an advanced degree to deliver a simple Starbucks order!” Ellie hit the tray out of the set assistant’s hands, sending the rest of the drinks splashing to the ground.
The assistant who looked as though she couldn’t have been much older than eighteen stood trembling like a raggedy little leaf. No wonder she was just an assistant. She didn’t have the looks to actually step foot in front of the camera, and now this nobody was taking out her disappointment by trying to spoil the most important shoot of Ellie’s life! Who hired these people anyway?
“Don’t just stand there!” Ellie demanded, pulling off her spoiled dress and dropping it into the puddle. “Clean it up! And get that to the dry cleaner pronto.”
“Yes, miss. Right away.” The assistant ducked her head and scuttled out of the room, leaving the giant mess behind.
“She better be getting something to clean that up, or I’ll have her job,” Ellie muttered under her breath.
“That was unfortunate,” her mother said with a tight-lipped frown. “But we’ll be just fine. The stylist selected multiple options for you to try. Everything will still come out perfectly gorgeous.”
“That was the best one and you know it,” Ellie grumbled as her mother tried to massage the tension from her shoulders. She rolled her neck from side to side, waiting for her calm to come back again.
Another woman appeared at the edge of the room, knocking delicately on the door frame to announce herself. “Miss Hawkins, it’s time for your makeup.”
“You can’t do my makeup until I know what I’m wearing, but whatever.” Ellie pushed past everyone, ignoring the looks they all gave each other. She didn’t care if they liked her as long as they admired her, as long as they made her look as good as possible for her shoot. Some days it felt like it was Ellie and her mom against the world. Why did everyone have to be so difficult all the time?
A loud bang sounded from around the corner, causing Ellie to stop in her tracks. What was that sound?
“Ellie?” Landon’s voice came f
rom behind one of the doors. But how? Why was he here in her world? She started walking toward his voice, but every time she opened a door, she found the room behind it empty.
Faster and faster, she flung open doors.
But still no Landon.
Until suddenly, her eyes flew open and she found herself lying in bed as she gasped for air.
“Ellie, are you there?” Landon called from outside her cabin door.
Thank goodness it was over. A dream. Just a dream.
But was it really just a dream? Or could it be a memory? Had Ellie actually treated others like that when they’d just been trying to help her?
She shuddered at the thought.
Another knock sounded on the door and she raced to answer it, catching Landon as he’d just turned to leave her stoop.
“I’m here,” she announced breathlessly. “I just fell asleep for a little bit, I guess.”
Landon grinned and placed a hand on the edge of the doorframe, leaning in toward Ellie as she attempted to brush the fly-away strands of hair from her face. “I can see that,” he said with a light-hearted chuckle. “Not sure how you do it, but you’re even more beautiful when you’ve just woken up.”
“Yeah, okay.” She rolled her eyes and let out a sarcastic laugh. “Is there something you wanted?”
As much as she wanted to be here in this moment with Landon, her dream stayed very much at the front of mind. She still saw every vivid detail as if it were unfolding right before her, becoming sharper and sharper with each replay. Her stomach knotted as she realized that this was, without a doubt, an actual event from her past—and it wasn’t a nice memory to have.
Landon regarded her suspiciously, but there was no way she planned to tell him about this particular memory, no matter how much he’d become invested in her recovery.
“Are you…?” he hesitated before continuing. “Okay. Yeah. Anyway, I have to run into town to pick up some things for Liz. And I wondered, do you maybe want to come with me? I mean, the barn dance is this weekend and I figured maybe you’d like a new pair of dancing boots.”
Ellie had never seen him so flustered in all their encounters. Was inviting her to get boots a precursor to asking her to be his date? She glanced down at her bare feet, then over to the corner where her dirty tennis shoes lay in wait.
Now that she thought about it, buying herself a pair of nice new boots seemed like the perfect way to spend her afternoon. Anything to shake the dream consuming her thoughts.
“I’d love to,” she said, drawing out one of his charming grins. “Give me five minutes to get ready and I’ll meet you up by the main house.”
Ellie didn’t even wait for him to answer as she slammed the door behind her and raced to do something about her hair.
But when she glanced in herself at the mirror, the glam Ellie from her dream stared back at her. Not me. It doesn’t have to be me, she told herself—not quite sure she believed it.
“You know,” Landon said with another of his devastating smiles. “When I said you needed a pair of boots, I meant a. As in one. One pair.”
“Hey now! Maybe I decided to add some retail therapy to my treatment plan.” Ellie laughed and glanced down at the three boxes sitting on the truck’s seat between them. “Besides, it was your idea.”
“Guilty as charged, but I’ll take that blame if it means seeing you this happy.” Landon shook his head as he laughed and turned back to look at the road ahead. “If this is the end result, then maybe it’s time I add a little retail therapy into my own life.”
Ellie knew he had one pair of boots that he always wore, even when he wasn’t working around the horses. They were perfectly well-worn and suited him better than any other possibility she could bring herself to imagine. “Somehow I don’t think you’re a shopaholic kind of guy,” she said, internally adding, and that’s part of what I like so much about you.
They’d had a wonderful time in town not only picking out her new boots but also running from one store to the next in search of every item on Liz’s lengthy list for the upcoming dance. Ellie had been nervous about the barn dance before then, but the carefree day with Landon was just what she’d needed to relax and even begin looking forward to the occasion.
Landon admitted he hadn’t been to any of the dances before, but that he definitely looked forward to this one and hoped she’d save him a dance or two.
Of course, she still had nothing to wear. Her one good dress had been ruined when an assistant had spilled coffee all down the front.
No, wait…
That was the dream, the memory.
She laid her head against the cool glass of the window, wishing she could erase the memories pushing their way back in. Why had she wished so hard for them to return?
“Whoa, I’ve never seen anyone flip moods as fast as you just did,” Landon said from beside her, but his voice seemed a million miles away. “Regretting not grabbing those gold sparkly boots too while you had the chance?”
She let out an uneasy breath and closed her eyes. “I’ve just got a lot on my mind.”
The truck bounced along the gravel road, the sound of Toby Keith playing quietly in the background. Landon gave her a few minutes to herself before finally insisting, “So, are you going to tell me what’s bothering you? Otherwise, I just might have to turn around and make you take those boots back to the store.”
Ellie forced a laugh and picked her head off the window. “You wouldn’t.”
Landon just shrugged and pressed on the brake to slow the truck down.
“Okay, fine. You know when you came to my cabin earlier today? I wasn’t just sleeping. I was dreaming. This time, though, I think it was more than that—I think it was a memory. It just feels different, like I know this really happened.”
“Wait, but don’t you want to get your memories back?”
“I do. It’s just that, this dream made me see some things I don’t know if I like.”
He looked over at her with his eyebrows pulled together. “What don’t you like?”
“I just… I don’t know if I was a very nice person,” she whispered, shocked at how quickly she blurted out the terrifying revelation.
Landon kept his eyes on her for a moment, then turned back to the road, slinging one hand over the steering wheel and reaching the other over to clasp Ellie’s hand. He’d traded his cowboy hat for a baseball cap today so she was able to see more of his face. Right now, it wore an expression of understanding and kindness. And that comforted her more than anything else could.
“I’m sure you were a nice person, Ellie. You’re nice now. How could it have been any different then?” He seemed almost angry, and she turned away so she wouldn’t have to see the rage reflected in his face. “Even without your memories, you’re still the same person. You’re still you.”
“But the dream…” She sighed. How could she possibly explain without his changing his opinion of her forever? “I really don’t like what I saw,” she concluded with a little shrug.
They reached the turn off for the ranch, so he slowed and glanced her way while swinging the truck onto the new road. “Maybe you were just having a bad day in this memory. A bad day doesn’t make you a bad person, Ellie.”
The way he said her name caused her heart to clench. He wasn't just saying these things to be nice. He truly believed them, believed in her. And when he looked at her like this, it made her almost believe, too.
Ellie squeezed Landon’s hand in her own, pushing the worries from her mind and instead allowing herself to focus on the wonderful afternoon they’d just shared. Maybe the dream had been a wakeup call, a way of asking her to forget her past and focus on her future.
Just as Liz had said.
Yes, this is what I want, she thought as she sat holding Landon’s hand and driving in companionable silence. This is who I want to be.
That was when a bright flash of red up by the main house caught her eye. A candy apple red sports coupe sat parked in the driveway, an
d Ellie somehow knew her past had come calling.
Landon whistled and came to a stop. “Now that’s a car. Who do you suppose it belongs to?”
A knot formed in Ellie’s stomach as she stepped down onto the gravel, the stones crunching under her feet. A group of three sat on the porch, waiting. One was Liz. One was Liz’s husband, Dorian. And the third?
He came running over and lifted Ellie in his arms. “Ellie! I’m so relieved you’re all right! Your mother told me all about the accident and your dreams of me.”
Ellie’s eyes met Landon’s as he watched from the other side of his truck. She wanted to erase the pain she could see reflected in his face.
She closed her eyes and tried so hard to remember something—anything—as her visitor continued to talk in her ear.
“Ellie? Don’t you recognize me? It’s me, Marshall! I’m so glad you want to give us a second chance. I want that, too.”
Was this man from her dreams? He was certainly handsome enough, and he seemed genuinely happy to see her. Why couldn’t she remember?
And why couldn’t she stop worrying about what Landon must be thinking in that moment? Her heart sank as she turned to look at Landon, only to find he was already walking away.
This was not how she’d pictured this reunion. Rather than feeling joy at meeting the man who’d haunted her nights, she only felt sorrow over losing the man who’d filled her days.
Chapter 20
Ellie sat next to Marshall on the old plaid couch in Liz’s parlor. He clenched both of her hands in his as he spoke. “I still can’t believe you’ve been dreaming of me this whole time, that you’ve been searching for me. Ellie, I fell for you so hard and fast. You’re my dream girl. I just never knew I meant so much to you, but I’m so happy to finally hear I do.”
Ellie smiled sweetly as she fought the headache that had begun to sweep its way across her brain. Marshall seemed like such a nice guy—a good guy—so why couldn’t she remember him? Why did she remember him enough to have those dreams, but nothing more?
Memories of Home Page 10
