by Tessa Wanton
He sat down on the end of the sofa nearest her and leaned forward so they were as close as they could be without touching. “I’m so glad you agreed to meet me, Tess. Really, I’m grateful; you have every right to never want to lay eyes on me ever again. What I did…I…” He looked away from her—had she seen tears welling up? She instinctively reached out and took his hand. He turned his head back and looked like he was about to say something, but he just exhaled heavily and shook his head, closing his eyes.
“Johnny, it’s okay. Whatever it is you have to say. I’m here now. I have no intention of leaving until you’ve said what you have to.” Releasing his hand, she stretched up to caress his cheek. “Look at me, J. It’s really okay.”
“But I did this to you. Look at you. I broke you, I hurt you. How could you ever trust me again?” His forehead was creased into lines of worry so deep they seemed permanently etched. The intensity of his stare bore deeply into her, asking for answers, for forgiveness; and as he silently begged for absolution, she knew what she had to do, and she knew now what she definitely felt with every fiber of her being.
“I forgive you.”
Chapter Nine
Those three words meant more to him than anything he’d ever heard in his entire life. She forgave him. Completely. And he believed she meant it. He had been dreading this meeting, even resigning himself to the fact that she might have continued to ignore him and he would have left the country without her ever knowing or caring. It would have been even more devastating as he had the answer to everything Tessa had ever wanted. He had the answer she was looking for. Tears of relief threatened to spill down his cheeks, but he quickly gained his composure. Gazing into her beautiful emerald eyes, he could see she still loved him. Despite the scars he’d inflicted, he could see she was healing, both physically and mentally. It had been the mental scars that troubled him the most during the time they had been apart, especially after she’d told him about how deeply Charles had hurt her with his lies about his ex-wife. He hadn’t lied to her, but he’d missed the warning signs that she was in pain. He’d caused her to bleed, had broken her body, and these were things she now knew he was capable of. How could she trust that he wouldn’t snap again in the future and repeat the atrocities? He knew he wouldn’t; it wasn’t in his nature, but how could he convince her? The fact she was sitting before him now and had said she forgave him showed perhaps she did trust him after all. Or at least she was willing to work on it. But did her forgiveness mean she would come back to him? Or was it a precursor to ending the relationship on an amicable note? Fear gripped his heart at the thought, and he covered her hand with his, moving it from his cheek to hold it tenderly in both of his trembling hands. He looked down at her tiny pale hand cradled there, and took a deep breath.
“Tess, your forgiveness means more to me than you can ever know. I can never tell you how sorry I am that I…I hurt you…so badly…and I know it’s not just the physical things, but I want to show you that you can trust me again. I absolutely promise to never hurt you; I would sooner die myself than cause you distress or pain in any way.”
Tessa looked as though she was going to reply but he moved on quickly without giving her a chance to speak. If he didn’t get out all he had to say very quickly, he might find himself unable to finish, and the chance to make things right gone forever.
“I’ve been racking my brains for a way to make this right—to make this whole sorry mess a mistake to learn from for me—to take from it the knowledge I can never be your Dom. I will always try to give you everything you desire in any way I can, but I don’t know enough about this lifestyle to do it justice. I simply don’t have it in me. I’m just a man who loves you. I won’t ever risk losing myself like that again. Never. It can’t happen.”
He paused, but there was more.
“So, an opportunity arose at work. A big one. They’re looking for engineers to go to Oman to work for a three-year contract. It’s big, Tess. Huge. The paycheck is massive, and it’s tax-free, accommodations paid for, relocation costs covered and two return flights a year to come home. The only thing we’d ever have to pay for is food and enjoying ourselves. And yes, I do mean ‘we’; that’s what I wanted to ask you. Will you come with me?” She bit her lip.
He continued swiftly. “But that’s not all. I know you would never want to be a kept woman, especially not in a foreign country, so…I had a word with HR, and…they have a graduate trainee program to convert your degree into a Project Management postgraduate degree. The fact you had already enrolled in the course was enough for them to be satisfied you had the desire to work for this. So, there are two openings in the Oman branch, and they’ve provisionally accepted you if you want to do it. It’s everything you’ve dreamed of, Tess, and you’d be fully qualified at the end of it. In just three years, you would be a project manager.”
The look of panic he had worried about before instantly dissolved into complete shock and confusion as his words slowly sank in.
“Honestly, Tessa, it’s true. They want you. They want people just like you, experienced and able to pick up the detailed nuances much quicker than someone fresh out of university who has never worked before—and I would be there to help too, babe. We could get a huge apartment or even a villa if we combine our relocation packages, maybe have a pool or something! They pay for all the furnishings so we could build a home together, exactly how we want it. Annie could come over for holidays whenever she wanted, and your parents—you wouldn’t have to miss anyone.
“Look, I know I’m asking a lot, but if you wanted to live separately, I’d understand—we could do that, or even if we lived in the same apartment, we could have separate rooms and bathrooms. We wouldn’t have to leap into the unknown on our own; we’d have each other to support our new lives. I would love to start this journey with you; I can’t think of anything better than that. Of course, then there’s your new career too—what better place to learn than with perpetual sunshine and a beach a stone’s throw away? A standard of living this country simply can’t offer either of us? What do you think, Tess?”
He felt anxious that she hadn’t shown or said anything in response. She lowered her eyes from his and drew herself away, reaching for the Diet Coke. Had he pushed her too far? Was it too much for her to take in? He cursed himself that he’d had to drop the bomb so soon—even a few more days would have made this easier, but there had been no other choice. He was due to fly out the following week, and if she was to come with him, she would need to hand in her notice at her present workplace and make arrangements for herself too, notwithstanding having already told his boss that Tess had accepted. This was the big moment, the make or break. Had he gambled correctly? Would she choose him over the old man? As much as he tried to justify his actions as being the best for Tessa, he couldn’t deny the main reason he’d pursued this line of action so vehemently was because he knew full well if she left the country, she would no longer be able to see her Master. This choice would be bigger than a simple career change; she would be changing her life forever. But simply put, he’d given her an opportunity to escape. He’d made everything she had dreamed of possible. He’d offered her everything.
Chapter Ten
Speaking to Isabella and seeing Johnny the previous day had given her a peaceful resolve. She’d missed him dreadfully and it was unfair to hide from him and punish him any longer. She made a quick phone call to Annie and asked her pack up her things and return them to the flat that night. She hadn’t wanted to leave Johnny on his own in the state he was in. He’d seemed much better that morning, but she had to risk leaving him as there were loose ends to tie up. She had seen Johnny, so now she had to go and see Master.
Checking her watch, she noted she was early, but the chances were He would be too. Peering through the glass frontage of the large Starbucks, she saw Him hunched over a table—appearing to be reading a newspaper folded neatly in front of Him, but frequently looking up at the door. He had a large mug of steaming coffe
e sitting next to His mobile phone, which was placed just so. It also appeared He’d already taken the liberty of purchasing a Frappuccino for her—most likely the caramel one, which He knew was her favorite. He gave the appearance of being agitated and uncomfortable, which for Master was incredibly strange. She’d never seen Him in any state other than utterly confident and self-assured. Anxiousness bubbled within her in response to seeing Him so distraught. Was it the prospect of seeing her that made Him feel this way? Was He going to drop some huge revelation on her like Johnny had?
Taking a deep breath, she leaned against the heavy glass door and entered the coffee shop.
He stood as soon as He saw her. Again, something unusual. He was definitely anxious, and this was making her nervous too. He was half smiling—trying hard to be His usual casual, confident self; but she knew better. For the first time ever, she felt as though she was the one in control. No longer did she simply need Him—He needed her.
“Tessa, I got you a caramel Frappuccino. I hope that is acceptable?” Raising His eyebrows in an expectant manner, He watched her intently as she took her seat opposite Him. “Would you like anything else while you’re here?” He continued to ask her questions about her well-being as He sank into His chair, mirroring her movements.
“You’ve made your peace with Johnny, I take it? That’s good. I’ve been worried about him; he’s been totally racked with guilt. I tried to reassure him, but he wouldn’t listen to anything I had to say.”
“I hadn’t realized you two had become so close.” She knew they had been talking, but the extent eluded her. Wasn’t it just funny when you wanted two people to get along, they thwarted every opportunity you gave them, but when there was a decision to be made, they became best friends? It was completely typical, and didn’t make her job any easier this morning.
“Ah, we haven’t really—just two people pulling together over the woman they love.”
His words crashed into her like a wave breaking on the coastline. Love? Master? He can’t love her. Not with how He had treated her, but…the way He looked at her now, His agitation, His refusal to leave the hospital, the games, the lies—all of it finally made sense. He wasn’t playing with her just for His own amusement. He loved her. All this time He had been pushing her away for her own good, even encouraging her relationship with Johnny. For her own good. Right at the very start of their relationship, He’d uttered those words, which she’d dismissed as impossible and pointless. She might not understand why she was asked to do some things, but there would always be a point, and it would always be for her own good. And so it was. He’d recognized that she had fallen for Him. He knew their love was impossible. He’d pushed her to another so she could be happy, and she was happy with Johnny. That was why they became friends at the hospital. He’d held Johnny together for her. Yet through everything she’d hated Him and loved Him in equal measure; if only she’d known why He’d been so cruel to her. Again, she could never have known. If she had, she would’ve refused to connect with Johnny, and she would still be pining after the impossible. Her mind was now made up. She knew the decision she must make. Today she would break the heart of a man, and she had no idea whether she would be able to cope without him in her life.
Chapter Eleven
“These last few months have been difficult for both of us, and it seems…now I know why. Why did you do this to me? Why didn’t you just tell me what you felt for me? None of this would have happened, none of this stupid rivalry, this—” She gestured to her battered face—“would never have happened.” She tried desperately to control the rage bubbling inside her. She wanted to scream at him, tell him exactly how much she had hated him, thinking he was toying with her, playing with her. But that would have done no good to either of them.
“Tessa, are you okay? You’ve gone awfully pale. ”She sucked on her straw to stall, desperately trying to straighten her thoughts. With detached interest she observed sadness and a tinge of hope in his eyes. He was still hoping she would come to him. She felt physically sick. Lowering her eyes, she toyed with the straw some more. Only a few months earlier, if she’d known how he felt, they would be together now. She didn’t care about stereotypes and other people’s opinions—she loved this man. It was too late now. Much too late.
“Charles.” It felt alien on her tongue at first, but she didn’t need to force it. “I ask for release from you, to no longer be your submissive; set me free from our bond.” She dared to look up at him, and within a few seconds she wished she hadn’t. The look of utter desolation carved into his features caused her heart to stutter in anguish. She wished she could reach out and hold him—tell him it would be okay. But she knew it wouldn’t be. She’d destroyed his hope, and now she would hurt him further. Choking on her words, she continued as best she could.
“I have never wanted to hurt you, but you know as well as I do, this ménage à trois could not carry on. It was never meant to be.” A lump lodged in her throat as she feared she might be overcome by her own emotions, but she had to stay steadfast to what she had to tell him. “Johnny is moving to Oman with his work, and they’ve offered me a job as a trainee project manager. They’ve given me the opportunity to train on the job, and I’ll have a recognized qualification at the end of it. It’s my dream, Mas—Charles. It’s everything I’ve ever wanted. It’s only for three years, and at the end of it we’ll come home. It makes sense for me to go, financially and career-wise. I’d be stupid to turn it down.”
Waiting for a response from him felt like an eon. He was clearly hurt—perhaps deciding what to say, how to answer, or even contemplating whether to stay and finish his coffee. She had no idea.
“I grant your wish, Tessa.” He spoke quietly, slowly, avoiding eye contact with her. She didn’t think she could feel worse than she had in the last two weeks, but right now her feelings plummeted to new depths. “You have everything you could possibly want with Johnny. He’s a good man and loves you so completely. You have my blessing.” He still refused to make eye contact with her.
“There’s something else…what are you not telling me, Charles? Please, I know how hard this is for you; it’s killing me too, but this has to happen. You said so yourself a long time ago!”
“You have to push, don’t you, girl? You always have to push the point!” His eyes flashed with anger in such a way as Tessa was reminded of the parable of the lion with the thorn in its paw. The only difference here was she was pushing the thorn in deeper rather than removing it.
“I love you, Tessa Wallace. I have from the first moment I set eyes on you. I have struggled with myself constantly over the last year—wondering if it could work, or whether it would be fair to ask of you such things, and yet you persisted with me. I thought I could handle what I felt for you, but the incident…showed me I cannot live without you. While I thought I was content to see you with the boy, and enjoy you and your life from afar, I know it’s not enough now. I want you. To be mine.”
Tessa felt light-headed now; she was sure she was hallucinating. He’d never been one for sharing his emotions in any way, shape, or form, but to admit she was the one who’d made him unable to control himself? It was overwhelming.
“I understand your reasons for accepting Johnny’s offer to go to Oman. I won’t stand in the way, and I certainly can’t offer you the same thing. All I can offer you is to love you how you deserve to be loved, with all that I am, and to give you the escape you crave.
“I will wait for you, Tessa. Three years isn’t forever. I’ve waited my whole life for you to come to me, and you did. I will wait for you again.” The intensity of his stare as he held her gaze knocked the breath from her lungs.
How could she have not seen this before? She still wanted him. Regret is a bitter pill.
But she’d made a promise—made a decision, and she truly did want to pursue the life she’d discussed with Johnny the night before. She just had to face this pain now, get through the turmoil she was feeling—she knew it was the ri
ght thing to do.
“Why would you want me? I’m a broken woman. I was broken a long time before my trust and my face were shattered.”
“You are not broken; you were always just waiting for someone to mold you, so I took the promise of what you could be, as an artisan would a lump of clay, and crafted you. You were made a basic but beautiful vase…and each time we have met, I have added a little decoration, indelibly made you more precious with each brush stroke. I know you better than anyone ever has, or ever will. I know how you think, how you feel—I know your actions even before you make them, and I love every last pore of you.” Each word fell like rain on her parched heart. Words she’d yearned to hear for so long, coming to her ears too late to count. She was torn painfully by her decision; but it had been made, and she refused to hurt Johnny further. She loved him, and he had been through hell and back for her. Looking at her ex-lover, an image of Johnny, her life companion, filled her mind. No turning back.
“I’m so sorry, Charles…if I could…” She stood quickly. She had to go now—staying would serve no purpose. She turned her back on him and left the shop. Looking back through the window one last time, she saw him covering his face with his hands. She felt a loneliness so strong she almost ran back into the shop to tell him she’d changed her mind. But she had cut him off after he expressed his love for her. To tarry further would be cruelty beyond measure. She closed her eyes and replayed the moment when she’d told him. For one split second, the old Master had come back—a glimmer of what it used to be when they first explored their BDSM relationship. But now? The ache she felt deep down inside for what she’d just done threatened to swallow the start of the excitement she felt as she prepared for her new life in the Middle East with Johnny. Staring at her phone, her vision blurred as she flicked down the number menu to Master. A plump tear splashed on the handset as her index finger hovered over the delete button. Raising her eyes for only a split second, she saw he was watching her torment. He mouthed, “You will always be mine,” and as she finally succumbed to her tears, she looked back to his entry and closed the phone down. She would keep his number.
