Something had changed between them. He’d noticed it a couple of days after the party. He kept telling himself it was hormones or work pressures, but he didn’t believe that anymore. Was it because of what he’d told her about Evelyn? He didn’t want to connect the two but couldn’t figure out what else it could be.
Was she jealous? He shook his head. She couldn’t be. He’d explained about his first marriage. Cathy knew that he hadn’t loved Evelyn, at least not that way. He’d certainly never wanted her the way he wanted Cathy. She had to know that. Barely a night went by that he didn’t reach for her. Their lovemaking was wonderful for them both, and she was always ready for him when he touched her. They were perfect together. So what was the problem?
Maybe she was feeling as confused as he was, he thought. He enjoyed having her in his life. They got along together. Despite his attempts to avoid it, he’d come to care about her. He wasn’t worried about loving her—he would never love anyone ever again—but he didn’t want to lose her. He wasn’t sure where that left him.
There was a tap on the door. For a second, he thought Cathy was coming back. He looked up eagerly. Then he realized the noise had come from the door leading to the hallway, not to her office just to the right of his.
“Come in,” he called.
Ula entered. As always she was perfectly tidy in a plain gray dress. Her dark gaze was unwavering. “I’ve set up lunch.”
“Thank you. Cathy is going out for a run, so she’ll be eating later.”
Ula nodded. “I passed her in the hall. She mentioned that.” She paused, and he knew she had more to say.
“What is it?” he asked, knowing it was pointless to avoid the inevitable.
She took a step into the room. Despite her height—or lack of—she was imposing as she stared at him. “You can’t keep doing this much longer.”
He wasn’t sure what the this was, but he had a feeling she was going to fill in the details. He leaned back in his chair and kept quiet.
“She isn’t a plaything,” Ula told him.
The she being Cathy, of course. “I know that. I respect her. She works for me and does a great job.” He knew this wasn’t about work, but it was the only card he had.
“The girl is in love with you. You’re treating her as if you have strong feelings for her. In the end, she’s going to face heartache at your hand. You must let her go.”
“It’s not like that,” he said lamely, trying not to remember the first time they’d made love. As Cathy had fallen asleep, she’d whispered that she loved him. Since then she hadn’t repeated the words. He’d almost been able to make himself believe she hadn’t really said them…or if she had, that she hadn’t really meant them.
Unfortunately even he couldn’t make that one fly. She cared deeply about him. He wasn’t sure if it was love, but it was strong enough that she could be hurt. He didn’t want her to love him—he wasn’t worthy. And he knew better than to love someone else.
“I never told her it could be more,” he said by way of defense, as much to Ula as to himself. It was true, he thought. He’d made it clear that he wasn’t interested in any kind of a relationship. He ignored the voice in his head that asked what they had now, if not a relationship.
Ula shook her head. “She deserves better than this. She’s been wonderful to you, and this is how you’re repaying her. Stringing her along as if she’s not a real person, worthy of consideration.”
He hated her assessment even as he thought she might be right. “It’s not like that.”
“It’s exactly like that. I don’t know which would be worse. That you’re lying to yourself about the truth of it, or that you’re so blind and caught up with yourself and your own problems you can’t see what’s really going on.”
*
Cathy stared at the small, wide-mouth plastic cup. “Do I have to?”
The curly-haired nurse grinned. “‘Fraid so.”
Cathy groaned. “But I just went before I left the house. I don’t think I have it in me. And I mean that literally.”
“There’s a water cooler at the end of the hall,” the nurse said helpfully. “You could try downing a couple of glasses.”
Cathy shook her head. “Let’s see what I can do on my own first.”
When she was done, the nurse led her to an examining room and handed her a paper robe.
“I’m sure you know the drill,” the young woman said. “We keep the air-conditioning cranked up, so feel free to leave on your socks.”
“Oh, yeah, that’s really going to help.”
Cathy stepped behind the curtained dressing area. While she hated going to the doctor, she knew it was important to get her annual checkup. And she wanted to get a prescription for birth-control pills.
She folded her clothes, then slipped on the robe. As usual she felt exposed and foolish as she perched on the edge of the examining table. To distract herself, she thought of Stone. As her good mood faded, she realized that had been a mistake.
How much longer until Stone noticed something was wrong? She suspected he already knew but he was giving her time to work it out on her own. She was having trouble pinning down the exact problem herself. Some of it was that she was afraid she was little more than a good deed for Stone. A good deed he enjoyed sleeping with.
On the other hand, she reminded herself that she’d known going in that he would never fall in love with her. She’d decided that knowing what it would be like with him, then losing him, would be better than always wondering. She couldn’t forget that. She’d promised herself no regrets.
“An easy promise when I didn’t know how much it was going to hurt,” she admitted.
Sometimes the pain was so sharp, she could barely breathe. She thought she’d known what she was doing when she’d started their affair, but now she wasn’t so sure. She still loved him. If anything, her feelings had grown stronger. She believed that it was just a matter of time until he tired of her. Then where would she be? Where would she go? Could she still work for him? Would he even want her to?
Those questions were too dangerous, she thought, and shied away from them. She loved her work and would hate to think he’d created the job out of pity. If nothing else, she wanted him to respect her abilities. Maybe she could—
The examining-room door opened and the doctor stepped in. The gray-haired woman smiled at her. “Cathy? I’m Dr. Chastin, but please call me Maddy. How are you feeling?”
“Good. A little nervous. I don’t think anyone likes their yearly exam, but I know it’s important. Oh, I told the nurse that I would like a prescription for birth-control pills.”
“Yes, she mentioned it.” The doctor settled on the stool next to the table. “You’re in a relationship?”
“Yes. I’m monogamous, if that’s what you’re getting at.”
“I am, but not for reasons you’re thinking.” The doctor had a kindly expression. The lines around her eyes and mouth hinted at a happy nature. She made Cathy feel very comfortable.
She took Cathy’s hand in hers. “You’re a little late for the birth-control pills. We check all our patients’ urine samples, and yours came up positive. You’re pregnant.”
Chapter Fifteen
Cathy didn’t remember much about the rest of her appointment. When she was next aware of herself, she was sitting in her car staring at a handful of brochures and pamphlets on prenatal care. She also had another appointment for a check-up. She would have to come in more regularly now that she was going to have a baby.
A baby! Dear God, she was pregnant.
She pressed her left hand against her still flat stomach. There was life growing inside of her, and she hadn’t even known. She vaguely recalled the doctor calculating her due date based on her last period.
“I’m so late,” she told herself as she stared out the windshield and tried to make sense of it all. “Why didn’t I notice?”
Maybe she hadn’t wanted to, she thought honestly. She and Stone had been pretty hit-a
nd-miss with the birth control, and she had to take responsibility for that. She had been a virgin, but that was no excuse for being irresponsible. Now there were serious consequences for their actions. She was going to have to make some difficult decisions.
Cathy set the brochures on the seat next to her and fastened her seat belt. Then she started the car. She supposed she should go home and discuss this with Stone. But the truth was she wasn’t ready to talk to him yet. Her head was spinning. She needed some time to come to terms with what was happening.
She left the parking lot without a particular destination in mind. Ten minutes later, she saw a large bookstore up ahead on the right and quickly changed lanes. Cathy parked and walked inside. After a couple of minutes of searching, she found the child-care section. She collected several books on pregnancy, took them over to a chair in the corner and sat down.
Not knowing what to expect, Cathy flipped through the books. Several had pictures of ultrasounds, line drawings and computer images of the different stages of development. She stared at them, but didn’t feel any connection. The doctor’s statement that she was pregnant made about as much sense as saying she was going to be abducted by aliens.
Cathy looked through the rest of the books, then picked two that seemed to have comprehensive information. Whether she wanted to believe it or not, she was about to be responsible for another person. She was going to have to learn what to do to stay healthy for both herself and the new life growing inside of her.
She thought about the past few weeks. Oddly enough, she hadn’t had anything to drink. Not even at the masked ball. She’d been so nervous that she’d been afraid alcohol would upset her stomach. That was something. She figured she could talk to Ula about a healthy diet, although she was already consuming plenty of fruits, vegetables and lean protein. She was going to have to increase her calcium, the doctor had said.
Cathy paid for the books and returned to her car. She had to go home. She had to talk to Stone.
What was she going to say to him? What was he going to say in return? She shivered and realized it came from fear. She was terrified.
She knew that he wanted to be with her. She knew that they had passion, but what else? Anything? In her heart she was afraid that if she pressed him for more, he would simply turn away from her. He’d never once indicated that he was interested in them being more than friends.
She bit down hard on her lower lip and fought back tears. It was all going to fall apart. She could feel it in her gut. He hadn’t loved Evelyn, even though she’d loved him desperately and had even been his wife. They’d grown up together. She’d known him for years. If Evelyn hadn’t been able to make him fall in love with her, what hope did she, Cathy, have?
History was repeating itself, she thought sadly. He would let her go without a second thought.
As she pulled into the driveway and parked her car, she tried to tell herself she was jumping to conclusions. After all, Stone might surprise her.
“How?” she asked aloud. “Will he suddenly realize he can’t live without me?”
Not likely, she thought. Not likely at all.
It didn’t matter, she told herself. Either way she had to find out the truth. She owed them both that…make that she owed the three of them that.
She stuffed the brochures into the bag with the books and made her way inside. The foyer was still overly large and very impressive. The curved staircase led up to the second and third floors. There were too many rooms. She’d never counted or visited them all, but she knew that to be true. Stone lived in a different world from her. He was wealthy and he’d been wealthy all his life. She was a nobody he’d practically taken off the streets. What on earth had she been thinking?
She climbed to the second floor and walked down the hall to her office. Maybe if she worked for a while she could clear her head enough to make sense of it all. She walked into her office and stared at the familiar furniture.
More games of pretense, she thought as the rest of the truth sank in. She hadn’t fooled anyone but herself. She wasn’t a businesswoman. She was a rich man’s mistress playing at having a “real” job to justify her presence in his life. Now she was a pregnant mistress. Nothing about her story was unique…including the fact that Stone was going to want to get rid of her as quickly as possible.
The pain was so sharp she couldn’t catch her breath. It was all going to end, she thought. And there was nothing she could do to stop that from happening.
For a second, a voice in her head said that she could keep the pregnancy from him, at least for a little while. Maybe…
She pushed the voice away. No. She wouldn’t play that game. If nothing else, she wanted to be honest. Their relationship had begun in lies, but it would end with the truth. She had survived without Stone for most of her life. She could do it again. As for the baby, they would be fine together, she and her unborn child. She would make sure they were fine. She wasn’t the same meek, insignificant person she’d been six months ago. She’d grown and changed. She was strong. She would do well to remember that.
She drew in a deep breath for courage, then walked to the door separating her office from Stone’s. She knocked once, then let herself in.
He was on his computer. When he saw her, he looked up and smiled. The sunlight reflected on his dark hair. The unmarked side of his face was toward her, and as always, his pure male beauty took her breath away.
“How was the doctor’s appointment? I hope he didn’t make any advances.”
She sank into the chair opposite his desk and tried to smile. She wasn’t sure if she succeeded or not. “No advances. For one thing, most doctors are professional. For another, ‘he’ is a she.”
“Ah, a woman doctor. I’m glad. Seriously, that probably made the exam easier for you. So everything is all right?”
She knew how he meant the question so that was how she answered it. “I’m perfectly healthy.”
She stared down at her hands. Usually she wore a dress or skirt and blouse when she worked. Today, because of the doctor’s appointment, she’d dressed in tailored pants and a blouse. She fingered the linen blend. With Stone’s generous salary, she’d been able to afford pretty clothes. She’d paid off all her bills and the house, put some money away and had bought a new car. Currently the car payment along with utilities on the house in North Hollywood were her only steady bills. She wasn’t going to need much, which was good. She didn’t think she was going to have much.
“Cathy, what’s wrong?”
How well he could read her, she thought sadly, knowing that was just one thing she would miss about him. He’d always been able to sense what she was thinking. Of course, that wasn’t the only thing. There was the laughter, their intense discussions about business, the passion, the holding, the fact that someone somewhere knew where she was during the day and would miss her if she was late.
“I’ve been thinking about us,” she said at last. “About our future. Where exactly do you see this relationship going? The personal one, I mean. Not the professional.”
He hit the save key on his computer, then turned his chair and faced her. Not for the first time she wished she had the ability to read his mind. His expression didn’t give anything away. It remained pleasantly neutral.
“You’re seeking my thoughts on whether or not I see this as continuing indefinitely?” he asked.
His voice was low, almost formal. As if he were addressing a group, or giving a presentation.
She nodded. “Yes, that’s it.”
“I see.” He folded his hands together on top of the desk. “I care about you, Cathy. I think you know that. We’re good friends. We work well together and we live well together. I think that’s important.”
Her body felt as if it were being pierced by thousands of tiny arrows. In a way, there was no point in continuing the conversation. She already knew how it was going to end. But there was a part of her that needed to hear the words. If he spoke them, she would be able to remember
them. She would be able to let go of her hope. But first she had to hear them, despite what that would do to her.
“You don’t love me,” she said.
“No.”
Something inside of her twisted up and died. Coldness swept through her. The room spun once, then stilled. She couldn’t breathe, but that seemed unimportant when compared with what he’d just told her.
“It’s not you,” he added. “Please, don’t take it personally. I couldn’t love anyone. I want things to be different. If I was able to change, I know it would be with you. I’m sorry.”
Yeah, her, too, she thought. So the fact that it wasn’t personal was supposed to make her feel better? “It feels very personal to me,” she managed to say, and was pleased when her voice didn’t shake.
“Cathy, no. Don’t take it that way. I…” His voice trailed off. “It’s because of Evelyn.”
That didn’t make sense. “You never loved her. I know you’re not in mourning for her. You told me that yourself.”
“I know and that’s true. The point is I should have. I owed her that.” He grimaced. “She was jealous. When I stopped—” He cleared his throat. “The physical side of our marriage deteriorated rapidly. After a while, she became convinced there was someone else. There wasn’t, but I couldn’t get her to believe me.”
His dark eyes focused on a past she couldn’t see. “I tried to make myself fall in love with her. I thought if I could just do that, everything would be fine. I learned that I couldn’t force it or bargain it into happening. I respected my wife, I enjoyed being with her, I loved her as deeply as I’ve ever loved anyone, but as a friend. Nothing more. Then we went to that damn party.”
He shook his head. “I wish I could tell you I was so drunk I didn’t know that woman was coming on to me, but I did know. I had no intention of following through when she kissed me. But I let her do it. I let myself be cornered by another woman and I let her kiss me. Then I kissed her back.” He rubbed his eyes. “The hell of it was, I got turned on.”
The Millionaire Bachelor Page 19
