He looked up as she entered. His gaze settled on her bag. “You’re leaving.”
It wasn’t a question, but she answered it anyway. “Yes. I’ll send for my things.”
He looked at her face. She felt the attention as if it were a touch, as if his hand had brushed against her cheek.
“Don’t go,” he pleaded. “Don’t leave me. It doesn’t have to be like this, Cathy. What we have is very special, and I don’t want to lose that. I don’t think you do, either.”
She hadn’t realized she’d hoped until her hopes crashed onto the floor and shattered into slivers. He’d asked her to stay because they had something special and he didn’t want to lose her. It was something, she supposed. Not what she wanted, though. Not a relationship built on mutual respect or caring. Not love.
“I can’t,” she told him. “I want more than that. I’ve learned that I deserve more. I have to be more than your current fix-it project and a convenience.”
He stiffened. “That’s not fair. While I’ll admit that the reasons I wanted to help you were complicated, you make it sound like you were a faceless person in all of this. That anyone would have done. That’s not true. I do care about you.”
“Like a friend.”
“Yes.”
“A friend you sleep with.”
“We’re lovers.”
“But not in love.”
His gaze shifted. There wasn’t any point, she reminded herself. She couldn’t change his feelings.
“I wish you the best, Stone. I hope that you can get it together. I love you enough to want to see you happy, but that’s not going to happen until you can let yourself love someone. And that will require you to let go of the past. I hope you can, but I doubt it. Self-pity has become too familiar a companion, and I think in your heart you’re afraid to let it go. You live this half-life, hoping it will make up for what happened to Evelyn. The truth is the accident wasn’t your fault. But if you see that, you have to be willing to forgive yourself and admit it was all right for you not to have loved her. For some reason, you’ve decided Evelyn was perfect—therefore you have to be the wrong one. I suspect you were equally at fault.”
She shrugged. “But what do I know? Good luck, Stone. Try not to stay in your beautiful prison forever. There’s a big world out there, and it still has a lot to offer you.”
“Will I see you again?”
She wanted to say no. It would be easier for her to just cut him out of her life. But it wasn’t just her decision. In a few days, she was going to have to tell him about the baby.
“I suspect you will,” she said at last, then turned and left.
Stone watched her go. When the front door closed, he slumped back in his chair and tried to tell himself that it was for the best. Cathy was getting too close to him. If the situation continued, she would only get hurt. Better for her to move on now, while she still could.
As for him, well, he would be fine, he told himself. He ignored the anguish inside, the gaping hole that used to be his heart.
But as the night wore on and the silence grew, he found it more and more difficult to dismiss the sensation of his lifeblood flowing away. He didn’t want his life to return to the emptiness he’d known before Cathy. It was one thing to never see her again, but he’d also lost the right to be her friend. She had been his only link to the world. Now there was no one.
“Cathy,” he said aloud, already missing her more than he’d thought possible. He’d wanted so much for her, and he’d never realized that part of that wanting was to never let her go.
What did that mean? He couldn’t really care about her. This wasn’t…love.
Love. He turned the word over in his mind. He didn’t know what it meant to love a woman. Not romantically. He never had. Besides, it wasn’t allowed. He wasn’t entitled. Not after what he’d done.
It always came back to the past. To Evelyn. To the horror of that night.
“I’m sorry,” he said into the darkness. “I should never have married you. I see that now. I should have told you the truth. It would have been kinder. Instead, I let you hope.”
Cathy had said there had been nothing wrong with not loving Evelyn back. He wondered if that was true. Did it matter? In the end, he’d betrayed her.
The thoughts filled his mind. He went through the past again and again, trying to figure out all the places he’d failed and what he could have done differently. He thought about Cathy, about what they’d had together. About all she’d given him and how much she’d come to mean to him.
After a while, he realized the light wasn’t just coming from the lamp on his desk, but instead spilled in through the window. Morning. The first day without her.
Sometime later he heard footsteps. When Ula entered the room she walked right up to his desk and stared at him.
“She’s gone?”
He nodded.
“I see.” His normally unflappable housekeeper looked as if she was having trouble controlling her tears.
“I’m sorry,” he said. “She wanted to leave, and I couldn’t make her stay.”
“Of course you could.” Ula practically spit the words at him. “There’s always a choice. But this was easier, wasn’t it?”
He felt as if she’d slapped him. “Cathy deserves better than me,” he said lamely.
Ula rolled her eyes. “We all know that, but for some reason, you’re the one she wants. She loves you, Stone Ward. She is perfect for you, but you’re too stubborn and too caught up in the past to see that.”
He touched his face, his fingers sliding over the familiar pattern of scars. “I have nothing to offer her. She can’t want me like this.”
“Then change. Make it right. I loved Miss Evelyn as if she were my own daughter. I know the two of you had troubles. You were wrong in some of it, but so was she. Let it go. Let her go. Keep the good memories in your heart and release the rest. If you continue to live like this, then you might as well have died in that car accident.” Her anger and frustration were tangible. She was shaking as she stood in front of him.
“Don’t you dare abuse the gift of life you’ve been given,” she ordered him. “Don’t you dare. You’ve wasted too much time already. You’ll never get those days back. You can be happy for the rest of the time you have, or you can die a miserable old man. For once in your life, don’t be an ass.”
She spun on her heel and walked out.
Stone rose as if to follow her, then sank back into his chair. Was Ula right? Was Cathy right? Had he been a fool, a coward hiding behind guilt? Was he afraid of risking it all just because he was afraid? Was he willing to lose someone as wonderful as Cathy just because there was some risk involved?
Was he, as Ula had so eloquently told him, an ass?
*
Cathy pulled into the driveway of her house in North Hollywood. It had been two weeks, and this place still didn’t feel like home. She wondered if it ever would.
She collected her groceries and went inside. When she’d first come back, she’d spent four days giving the house a thorough cleaning. She’d gone through much of what her mother had left behind, a task she’d been putting off for years. Then she’d sewn new curtains for the kitchen, bought an inexpensive comforter for her bed and a window box for the front window. She figured she and the baby would both like looking out onto fresh blooming flowers every day. Then she’d gone back to her old job.
Cathy walked into the kitchen and started putting away the groceries. Her body felt thick, as if she were moving through water. The world appeared to be in black and white now, instead of the color she was used to.
“Time,” she reminded herself as she stored the half gallon of milk in the refrigerator. “It will take a little time. Then I’ll get over Stone. Eventually I’ll feel like my old self again.” She thought for a second, then smiled. “Okay, not too much like my old self.”
She didn’t want to go back to that empty life she’d had before. It had been too horrible. She’d been given a second chance
and she was going to take it. But sometimes it was so hard.
When she finished with the groceries, she sat at the small table and pulled out the college catalog. She was too late to enroll officially, but the college had a special program that allowed returning adults to go to the first day of class. If there was enough room for the professor to allow them into the class, then all they had to do was pay a fee and they were officially a returning student. Cathy had already picked out three classes she wanted to take. They started that afternoon.
She’d worked out a schedule. She had her old job at the answering service, working evenings, but she got off at midnight. She would be home and asleep by one in the morning, then get up at nine. If she got the classes she wanted, she would be in school three days a week, from noon to three, and that gave her just enough time to get to work by four. She would have her mornings and weekends to study. Unfortunately, because of the baby, she would have to skip next semester, but she would start back up in the fall.
In the meantime, she would get going on her degree. She had some savings, decent health insurance and the house was paid for. All in all, she was very fortunate.
She only had one thing left to do.
Cathy stared at the phone. She’d already put it off too long, she thought. And she didn’t want to admit the reason, not even to herself. She hadn’t called Stone to tell him about the baby because she’d been hoping he would contact her.
“Foolish dreams,” she said sadly. But they’d been her dreams, and she’d clung to them like a drowning man clinging to a life preserver. Every night she’d come home hoping to find her answering-machine light blinking. She’d even thought he might call her at the answering service. But it had been fourteen days and Stone hadn’t tried to contact her once.
He’d let her go so completely, she wondered if she’d ever mattered to him at all.
She drew in a deep breath. It was time to put the fantasy to rest. She had to put the past and her feelings behind her and get on with reality. She had to tell him the truth.
“No time like the present,” she said as she glanced at the clock above the clean but ancient stove. It was barely ten in the morning. She could call Stone and still easily make it to her first class.
She punched in the number, trying to ignore the way her hands trembled and the knot of fear in her stomach. She had no idea what she was going to say to him. There was only so much chitchat she could hide behind before she got to the truth.
“Ward residence.”
Despite her terror, she smiled. “Hi, Ula. It’s Cathy.”
“It’s about time. You said you’d keep in touch, and I believed you. But have you called?”
“You could have called me,” she countered.
“I know, but I didn’t want to be a reminder if you were trying to put all this behind you.”
Cathy knew the this was actually Stone. “I appreciate the concern.”
“So how are you?”
“I’m doing well.” Cathy brought her up-to-date, then said, “Thanks for having my things delivered. You didn’t have to do that. I could have made arrangements.”
“I wanted to help, and it was all I could think of to do.”
They talked for a few more minutes, then Cathy gathered up her courage. “I need to speak to Stone, Ula. Could you get him for me?”
The housekeeper was silent for a long time. Cathy began to wonder if he’d given instructions that she wasn’t to be put through.
“I can’t do that,” Ula said. “Mr. Ward isn’t here.”
Cathy stared at the receiver, as if she’d suddenly heard a foreign language. “What do you mean?”
“Mr. Ward is gone. Cathy, I’m sorry. I don’t know what to tell you. Five days ago, he came downstairs with two suitcases. He said he was going away and that I was to look after the house until he returned. I thought—” Her voice shook. “I thought he’d decided to go to you.”
Cathy didn’t think she could take any more. Stone hadn’t bothered to get in touch with her and now he was gone.
“You don’t know where he is?” she asked futilely.
“No. I swear I would tell you if I had any idea. That man is a complete—” She paused and sighed. “That doesn’t matter now. I wish there was something I could say. I know how you felt about him. You were wonderful to him and for him. If he’d let you, you could have helped him heal. He’s going to regret losing you.”
Cathy hoped the other woman was correct, but right now that was cold comfort. Tears spilled from her eyes. She hadn’t told Stone about the baby and now he was gone.
“Can I help?” Ula asked.
Cathy shook her head, then realized the other woman couldn’t see her. “No,” she managed. “I just…” She swallowed and tried to hold back the tears. “I have something important to tell him. If you hear from him, could you please ask him to call me?”
“Of course. I’m so sorry, Cathy. I hope you’ll stay in touch with me.”
“I’ll try.” It was the most she could promise. Right now she didn’t think she could ever talk to Ula or anyone else again. “I have to go,” she said. “Take care of yourself.” Then she hung up the phone.
She wasn’t sure how long she sat there. Stone was gone. He wasn’t going to come for her; he wasn’t going to be calling. He’d disappeared from her life. She’d never mattered at all.
Finally she placed her arms on the table and lowered her head. She sobbed until there weren’t any more tears.
When she finally straightened, she saw it was eleven-thirty. Time for her to leave for her class. She stood up and started to collect her catalog and purse, then stopped. What was the point? Who was she kidding? College? Her? She couldn’t make it. She was too old. She had a baby on the way. It would take too long.
“Just forget it,” she said aloud. “Go to work, come home, wait for the baby. That’s enough. You don’t really need to have a life. Look how long you survived without one before.”
Without thinking, she crossed to the kitchen cupboard. She pulled it open, then wrinkled her nose. Whole-grain bread, low-fat crackers. Soup. Not a cookie or a candy bar in sight. She needed chocolate and she needed it right now.
Cathy grabbed her purse and headed for the front door. As she stepped out on the porch, she noticed the mail had been delivered. She took the stack and prepared to toss it on the tiny hall table behind her. Then familiar handwriting caught her eye. Stone’s writing.
Her heart jerked hard in her chest. The envelope was thick and business sized. She tore it open, wondering what he’d sent her. A note? A ticket? An explanation?
Money. She stared at the stack of hundred-dollar bills, then counted. Five thousand dollars. There was a folded piece of paper with a single sentence: “You can expect this same amount every month.”
The bastard hadn’t even bothered to sign his name.
Cathy looked at the money. So that was all he thought of her. Fine. She would put the money away for the baby. Maybe start a college fund. All the investment people said it was never too early, right?
She glanced around as if she couldn’t quite remember where she’d been going. Oh, to get chocolate. Cathy frowned. No, that wasn’t what she wanted. She didn’t want to eat; she wanted a life. And by God, she was going to have one.
She turned around and marched into the house. After picking up the catalog and her notebook, she hurried to her car. There was still time to make the first class. She would convince the instructor to add her to that class list and she would get the other two she wanted, as well. She would make a success of this. Just to make sure there was no mistake, she was going to take a seat in the front row!
*
Fourteen weeks later, Cathy pulled into her driveway, still grinning like a fool. She was tired, but happier than she’d been in months.
She done it. She’d just taken the last of her three finals. She’d completed her first semester of college.
“Are you proud of your mama?” she asked as
she placed her hand on her swelling belly. She was five months along, and the pregnancy was no longer easy to conceal. Cathy had found that hadn’t mattered. The students in her classes hadn’t judged her because she was pregnant and unmarried. If anything, they’d been kind to her.
She thought back over the past few months. College had been hard. She’d loved finance, had tolerated economics but who in the world would ever want to be an accountant? She shuddered at the thought of more balance sheets in her future. She’d only made a B in that class, but she was confident that her other two grades were As.
She was exhausted. All that studying, the tests, forcing herself to work hard even when she was tired and her body kept betraying her by getting bigger and bigger.
“It was worth it,” she told her stomach, talking to her child as she often did. “You’ll be worth it, too.”
She turned off the engine and stepped out of the car. It was nearly nine in the evening. She’d joined a group of students for an after-finals dinner at the local Italian restaurant. She’d enjoyed the easy conversation and the laughter. There hadn’t been enough of either in her life.
Eddie, her boss at the answering service, was so proud of her for finishing her first semester, that he’d given her the night off. She was grateful. All she wanted was to crawl into bed and sleep for twelve hours.
She walked up toward the house. A shadow moved. Cathy was too startled to be afraid. The shadow moved again, and became a man. Then she knew.
After all this time, Stone had come back. She didn’t know what to think. What to say. He’d sent the money every month. Most of it she put away, though some she kept out to buy things for the baby. She’d talked to Ula a few times, but the housekeeper hadn’t had any news.
She stood there on the path and tried to figure out what she felt. Not anger, even though she should be furious. Not even sadness, although there were tears on her cheeks. Despite everything, she’d never stopped loving him. The love moved through her, filling her with a warmth she hadn’t felt in a long time. The same love she’d experienced before, with only one difference. The past four months had taught her how to be strong. She’d survived without him. She would continue to survive. She loved him and wanted him, but she didn’t need him in order to feel that she had a life.
The Millionaire Bachelor Page 21
