by Bud Connell
80 – Heavenly Chops
Sunday morning at ten-thirty I parked my new-old Mustang in the church parking lot and trudged up the steps with a bit of dread creeping into my otherwise fake cheerfulness. After my brush with federal prison and losing the love of my life, just about everything became a hidden dragon waiting behind a door ready to take my fuckin’ head off, perhaps even behind the door of a church.
I got up to it, pulled it open halfway and received an assist from a well-formed arm, bare-from-the-puffy-cap-sleeve down. Attached to the arm, an angel-like, twenty-something, blue-eyed redhead in a flowered dress gave me a smile that made itself right at home in my frontal cortex.
“Welcome to the Biscayne Bay Fellowship!” she said. “Come right in and be one with us!”
I had the urge to come back on that one. “One what?” Or, “Oh, sorry. I thought I was in Jim Jones’ Church of the Gooey Death.” Or, “Isn’t this the First Credit Card Church of Hialeah?” I mentally grabbed hold of my runaway brain and shook it until its smart-ass teeth fell out. That kind of so-called humor covered up a sad sack, but now a well-meaning guy on his way back to civilized life.
“Hi!” I dittoed her tone. “I saw your sign, and–”
“You want to meet new friends, or share your story?” she bubbled.
“Uh, both, I think.”
“Well, let’s start with the first one. I’m Sharon–”
“I hope so.” Ahhh, I didn’t say that, did I?
“What?”
“I mean, I hope to share.”
“Let’s start over!” she said as she reached down for my hand. I raised mine to meet her in time so as not to look dopey. “Welcome! I’m Sharon Love.”
Holy superintendent of trout, I got to tell you, it was hard, super hard for me to hold back what was overpowering my whole frickin’ brain, but I banged it down until it looked up at me like a whimpering whipped puppy.
“I’m Joe Oaks, Sharon, and I’m happy to be here.”
“You said, you’d like to share?” She kept holding onto my hand.
“Um, yes. I think… yes.”
I’ll introduce you to our pastor, and he’ll call on you at the appropriate time in the program.”
“I’d like that, Sharon.”
She pulled me by the hand in the direction of a tall, tan, forty-five-ish guy with shiny black hair and ultra white teeth who wrapped up greeting an older couple at the back of the middle aisle and turned to Sharon with me in tow.
“Reverend Good, I have someone for you to meet. This is Joe Oaks!” He and I stuck out our hands and we shook like a couple of guys in a synchronized drill team.
“He said he’d like to share his story with the congregation.” Sharon smiled as she switched her eyes from me to him and back to me.
“Of course, Joe. We’d love to hear it.” He clasped me on the shoulder with his left hand. “You know, stories of personal redemption motivate others to do the right thing.”
I wanted to say, “Rev, the right thing would be for me to spend a happy weekend holed up with Sharon here,” but I successfully kicked the line to the curb, and instead said, “I don’t claim to be redeemed yet, but I’m getting there.”
“Brother, life is a continuous stream of redemption and it keeps getting better!”
Sharon interrupted, “Excuse me. Others are coming in.” She returned toward the doublewide front door, and Reverend Good and I took our time watching her reach her destination. I looked back at him again and he was still momentarily fixated on Sharon’s posterior perfection. A lesson being that most guys are basically the same.
Reverend Good continued, “I’ll call on you at about eleven-thirty. There’ll be one woman, Gladys Pippin, who will give her story, and you’ll follow her.”
I nodded. “Thank you, sir. I’ll look forward to it.”
The Reverend looked at his watch, nodded back at me, turned and headed down the aisle toward the pulpit.
I wandered down the crimson carpet toward the front, looking left and right until I spotted the best seat. I sat down at the vacant end of a bench about two-thirds toward the front.
A near capacity crowd buzzed with polite conversation, and I began to relax into the warmth of my new adventure.
+++
A crimson curtain opened at exactly eleven o’clock, and revealed twenty-five or so musicians that stood and sat, alert and poised, ready to strike. The leader, erect, with his back to the congregation, tapped his baton three times on the top of a stool and snapped the stick at the air, the band’s go signal.
Rock and roll to thrill your soul!
I’d never promoted a rock or hip-hop band that sounded more professional. If they didn’t have a recording contract, I could sure as hell help ‘em find one.
And, here’s the biggest little tidbit of all, the choir group behind the musicians rocking out with an arrangement of a new faith song I’d not heard, featured my newest female friend, Sharon Love, the lead singer. Heavenly chops. Well, la-di-dah!
Let’s call it divine providence.
We hope you enjoyed Hot Scores,
the first episode of Joe Oaks’ misadventures.
Another, Heavenly Chops, is next,
and there are ten more to follow.
If you have also read
Bud Connell’s award-winning thriller,
Peak Experience: A Novel,
(available at Amazon.com,
BarnesandNobel.com, TowerBooks.com
and on Amazon’s Kindle)
the second in the series, Ultima,
featuring more memorable characters
and some of the originals,
will be published and also available
within the calendar year.
Bud Connell’s books
are periodically available to be downloaded
from the Kindle Owner’s Lending Library,
free-of-charge to Amazon Prime Members.
All Bud Connell-authored books
may be obtained from most on-line retailers
and for most electronic devices using Kindle apps,
which also may be downloaded free-of-charge.
About the Author
Bud Connell was successful in several careers before becoming a novelist. His background in media, business, and entertainment prepared him to create stories and characters with wide appeal and high entertainment value. With each new book, he is becoming a recognized voice in fiction.
His first novel, Peak Experience, a thriller with prolific servings of intrigue, suspense, and romance, has won several national awards, and remains on various bestseller lists, while staying within the top three to ten percent of Amazon Kindle downloads.
Watch for new offerings by Author Bud Connell; and for frequently updated information, you’re invited to join him on Facebook or BudConnell.com.
Table of Contents
Title Page
Copyright Page
1 - Still Dressed Up in Fur?
2 - Hotcha for the Babe Auction
3 - Don't You Wanna Hear the Hits?
4 - My Florida Shell Game
5 - That Makes Us Two of a Kind
6 - If It's In the Groove...
7 - I Love Your Rocks
8 - A Pat of Butter on a Hot Corndog
9 - Joe Oaks, the Promo King
10 - Why Don't
11 - Playing It Just for Him
12 - My Beans on the Floor
13 - A Deeep, Deeep Metalico
14 - Meathawk Over a Mouse
15 - A Tender New Bush
16 - My Smoky Little Princess
17 - In My Guru Sort of Way
18 - Looking at the Long, Long Green
19 - It Just Keeps Getting Deeper
20 - Since I Provide Good Shit
21 - Spearing Foo-Foo Dust
22 - He Licked Her Palm, No Kidding
23 - No More Favors, Joe (S-H-Mouse)
24 - You Gotta Love a Girl Like Katya
25 - Early Returns & Blinky Eyes
26 - A Lot of Incognito
27 - One Fine Beaver
28 - New Zippers to Lower
29 - A Bird Dog Over a Pork Chop
30 - Overheating Body Parts
31 - In a Family Way
32 - Does It Smell Smoky in Here?
33 - Future Dismemberment & Gooey Death
34 - Sweet-talkin' Sugarcoated Candy man
35 - Gimme the Jersey 'Whia'?
36 - Crapola, I've Got a Partner
37 - Sleeping With Cousins, No-No!
38 - Begging Like a Beagle
39 - Benny from New Jersey
40 - Collecting "Bahd" Money
41 - My Ass Into the Next Dimension
42 - While Snapping at My Pastrami
43 - Fast Talking & Twitchy
44 - That's Why They Call It a Bentley
45 - Offloading & Bellman's Hernia
46 - No Conundrum Here
47 - Give a Little, Get a Little
48 - Footloose, Everybody Cut Footloose
49 - Big Ass Stuff
50 - Falling Down a Rabbit Hole
51 - Scoring Brownie Points
52 - A Forgotten Factoid
53 - That's What I Call Acing...
54 - Face to Face, and Quick
55 - Is That a Threat?
56 - Locked Up for a Few Hundred
57 - Career Ending News Story
58 - A Big Launch After Dinner
59 - My Paradise Surprise
60 - Black Twenty-six Twice
61 - Always Coming and Going
62 - Good OV Joe, Minnow on a Hook
63 - Got His Gun Monkeys Looking
64 - Bulletproof Bait
65 - Want to Hear My Proposal?
66 - Where the Bullets Went In
67 - This Sumbitch Is Still Alive?
68 - Rowdy Came In and Said Howdy
69 - Just My Usual Brick
70 - Waiting for the Next Disaster
71 - Some Kind of Glop
72 - It's Just a Piece of Paper
73 - She Just Hung Up
74 - If I Had a Life Left
75 - Right Over My Heart
76 - Into Places I'd Never Been
77 - I Just Couldn't Help It
78 - In Several Hundred Years
79 - Share My Story?
80 - Heavenly Chops
About the Author
