by Unknown
There you go again, Tom.
They are all so beautiful and irresistible. What can I say? I’m attracted to beautiful women. So get over it, and let me get on with this story.
She was a prima donna and Donna was her name. She was the type of woman that caused men to have wet dreams and cheat on their wives. No way would anyone be tossing her out of bed for eating crackers.
The first time we met, she was married, and I was single. Over several years, we constantly bumped into each other at the bank, at church, or at the grocery store. She would bat her sexy, flirty eyelashes at me, and I would sigh and think, “If only.”
We first met at church around the time my kids moved in. Donna had a daughter Kristy’s age, and both played in the school band. I would see her at school band functions and at church. We started flirting like a couple of teenagers right from the start—sometimes right in front of her husband. More than once, I thought he would pull me aside and tell me to get lost. But he never did.
Seemed like each time Donna saw me, I would be dating a different girl. This seemed to intrigue her, because one day she commented, “You seem to have a lot of girlfriends.”
Time passed and we didn’t see each other but a few times during the years I was married to Anne.
About two weeks after Anne left, we bumped into each other again. She was still looking mighty fine and still took my breath away.
“Oh, Donna. How are you?” I asked, noticing right off the bat she wasn’t wearing a wedding ring.
She smiled at me and said, “I’m fine. How about you?”
I showed her my ring finger and said, “Better watch out, I’m on the loose again. How about you?”
“I’ve been divorced for a couple of years. Mark and I grew apart after the kids left for college.” She raised her eyebrows.
For the first time since we’d met 12 years earlier, we realized we were both available at the same time. The perfect timing had to be fate. I’m thinking that my fantasy could now be a reality.
There you go thinking again!
“How about I cook dinner tonight at my place. We can catch up. I have a beautiful view of the lake.”
“That would be nice. What time?” she asked, again batting those sexy, flirting eyelashes at me.
Oh, boy. Life couldn’t get much better. I’m fixing dinner for a woman of every man’s dream.
She must have liked my cooking, ’cause in two weeks she claimed to be madly in love with me. Whoa, horsey! I was just in search of a good time. But, I had to admit, it did put a boost in my ego.
I warned her that dating someone on the rebound could be dangerous. (That being me, after just a few weeks of being separated). There is a written cardinal law that states; never date or fall in love with someone on the rebound. I guess she didn’t believe much in that law, ’cause she made it perfectly clear that I was the man of her dreams.
It was steamy for a couple of months. I can’t get into details…remember the PG-13 rating.
Of course, the expectations (fantasies) didn’t live up to the reality. Some dirty laundry landed me back on earth.
I discovered that she was in a lot of debt from school loans that occurred after her divorce. She had gone back to school to become a nurse. Plus, I could see she was high-maintenance. When I met her mom, she looked like they could be sisters. I was to find out that mommy dearest had had a face lift. Oh my, could I be involved with Anne number two? What was I doing?
But love (lust) has no bounties, you might say.
I knew I had no business getting intimately involved so quickly. But I was lonely, she was my fantasy, and I’m a sucker for love. So don’t be so judgmental, Okay? As you should know by now, the unknown, forbidden, and beautiful women have been my Achilles heel, ever since I saw Johanna walk by my house when I was a teenager in Clinton.
It didn’t take long before I came to my senses and started thinking with my brain instead of between my legs. (Age will eventually do that.)
I suppose she sensed my reservations or saw something she didn’t like, because out of the blue, she informed me she didn’t want to continue the relationship. Never did find out what really happened. I can only speculate, which I won’t.
Her only explanation: I wasn’t treating her “like a queen.”
Okay…I didn’t really think myself to be a king, so I had no idea how a queen was supposedly treated.
She was in love one day and out the next. How could that be? Are queen’s that indecisive?
Maybe sometimes love don’t feel like it should. It was probably more an infatuation than love. Probably for the both of us. Does anyone truly know the difference at the time?
Short, sweet and exciting, and it got me back on my feet again. But, breakups most always hurt, no matter the reasons. I have to confess, I did feel a little depressed.
Another too fast and too soon relationship. Why are the gorgeous ones so complicated? Was it really true that beauty was only skin deep? Some might say that it was better to have loved than to not have loved at all. Can that really be a consolation?
I didn’t see Donna again for over 13 years. Then one day we bumped into each other at a grocery store. She was still looking gorgeous, but those sexy brown eyes weren’t flirting with me anymore.
I figured she hadn’t found her king because her ring finger was still bare. I noticed a sad look in her eyes when I told her that I had married. She wished me well, and I haven’t seen her since.
*****
…But as if to knock me down, reality came around and without so much as a mere touch, cut me into little pieces…alone again, naturally.
The breakup got me thinking, “What was it with me and women?” It seemed the more I tried doing things right, the more it kept turning out wrong.
I would seem to find the right one, only to discover she was the wrong one. How many times can a broken heart mend? But I didn’t have time to ponder the questions because I had a bigger problem staring me in the face.
Single income into a huge mortgage just doesn’t add up. My dream of a lake home was about to go down the drain. The divorce proceedings were taking a financial toll.
I prayed, dear Lord, what am I going to do? But me and the MAN were having some serious issues. I didn’t have much faith he would answer this prayer. So I decided to go on my own.
It came down to two choices. Get a second job or rent out the guest room. Neither idea had much appeal. A second job would ruin my social life, and I wasn’t comfortable sharing my home with a stranger.
Come on Tom, think!
*****
Did God answer my prayer, or did I accidently stumbled upon a third choice, thanks to a suggestion from a neighbor? Pat must have been monitoring my situation.
“Why not kill two birds with one stone, Tom?” she pointed out one day. “Why not find a ‘friend with benefits’ and share expenses?” she added.
Brilliant idea Pat! My clouded state of mind probably kept me from thinking of such a simple solution.
I started checking out the dating section in the Kansas City Star newspaper. Old technology, I know, but that’s what you did back then. I began responding to some ads that caught my eye. I came down to earth with a thump when I saw my next phone bill. It was astronomical, and I hadn’t gotten to first base. I finally figured out it would be more economical if I put in my own ad and have the ladies respond to me, because the person responding paid the phone expense.
This was my ad: If you like Pina Coladas and getting caught in the rain. If you’re not into yoga, if you have half a brain. If you'd like making love at midnight in the dunes on the cape. Then I’m the love that you’ve looked for, write me and escape.
Okay…You probably recognize the song and are thinking that was a brilliant ad. Well, I’m pulling your leg. At the time, I wasn’t so creatively minded.
This was the actual ad: SWM, 53, financially stable, seeking female friendship between 40-50, Height and weight proportional. Code: 1243.
A female attracted to my ad would call the paper and give them my code number which would give them access to my voice message. On my voice message, I described who I was and who would interest me.
I had the Righteous Brothers Unchained Melody playing in the background. The love song of all love songs! That turned out to be the hook that enticed them to respond. Hey, I’m no dummy, women love romance!
In the next few months, the ‘Kid’ was a busy bee!
*****
…I don’t ask for much. I only want your trust, and you know…it don’t come easy.
There were a few disappointments, but there were also a few enjoyments. First, I’ll tell you about the disappointments.
It took a while to figure out who to meet because I discovered right away some people weren’t who they said they were. I was seeking someone who was compatible and someone who I would be physically attracted to.
On one meeting, I swear, she had to be a he. I’ve never seen a woman with an Adam’s apple and man hands. Our conversation on the phone did not give a hint to any of this. When we met for dinner, I couldn’t eat fast enough.
Then there was a lady who invited me to her home for dinner. Normally I met in a public place, but for some reason, I made an exception. She sounded like a nice person, so I accepted her invitation.
Jesus! Oh, My God! Holy Cow, and What the Heck, all rolled into one.
She had ten cats roaming the entire house. Four parrots flying around in the main rooms, with newspapers spread all over the floor. The smell alone left me with no appetite. No, her name wasn’t Polly, but she sure had some loose crackers! I couldn’t get out of there fast enough. Can’t remember what I used as an excuse. I can only imagine what she had prepared for dinner.
I next met a stylish Spanish lady on the Plaza. The Plaza is the upscale part of Kansas City. She must have assumed I was rich when I told her I lived on a lake. When we met, she was driving a BMW, and I pulled up in a little sports Hyundai. She didn’t waste any time informing me that she wanted to marry up. Had no idea she was searching for a husband. It was apparent, right off the bat, I didn’t fit the bill. At least she got right to the point. Plus I wasn’t looking for a wife.
Okay. So much for the weirdo’s.
Then I met Willa May. All around country girl. Owned her own home. No kids. At this point in my life, no way did I want to deal with someone still raising kids. She introduced me to the country two-step. I even went out and bought cowboy boots and hat.
We got along great, but after a while, I sensed something that didn’t mesh. The vibes from her were extremely scrambled. Or maybe it was scrambled vibes she was getting from me?
After a couple of months, I sensed the relationship was stuck in the mud. When I finally talked to her about it, she confessed she was in love with a married man. She had been for years and couldn’t shake him. She was using me as someone to spend time with when he wasn’t around.
So much for Willa May. I wasn’t anyone’s spare time, so I said good-bye, nice to know you and went back to the ads.
I had made up my mind not to become intimate with anyone until I got to know them pretty well. All my life I had rushed into physical relationships before I had gotten to know the person. I wanted to desperately change that habit, take it slow and easy. That proved to be more difficult than I could have imagined. Slow and easy just wasn’t the norm.
Then there was Janis. She seemed, at first, to be a nice fit. Her kids were raised, she was financially stable, and she was very nice-looking with a remarkable figure for her age. We shared a lot of the same interests. She owned three homes (she rented out two). The lady had her shit together.
But she wasn’t interested in moving to the lake and sharing expenses. And, she made it quite clear from the start, she wasn’t interested in taking it slow, either. Turned out she wanted a friend with benefits and she didn’t want to waste time with formatives. Numb nuts here got off track and submitted to her seduction.
She would have made a good Eve in the Garden of Eden as she loved to romp through the woods naked as a jay bird. She got off being photographed in the nude, especially outdoors in the wilderness. I remember one unique picture I took of a honey bee buzzing around her bare nipple. I must admit, I got caught up and was intrigued by her passion. We had some interesting photo sessions.
Plus, she liked her sex rough. More than once we would encounter a few scratches and bruises, but it never got out of hand.
Now my editor encourages me to show and not tell of scenes like this, but at the same time I have to maintain a PG-13 rating so that my story will attract a wider audience. So sorry, that’s as much show as you’re going to get on the rough sex. You’ll just have to use your imagination.
I needed a roommate, not a playmate. Another time, another place that might have worked for me, but not now. I continued with the ads even though I continued to be obsessed with her obsessions.
Next Jan popped into the picture. She was sort of plain, not one of the gorgeous ones, but I was immediately attracted to her bubbling personality. Hey, sometimes personality can be just as gorgeous.
We hit it off immediately. She was even agreeable to take it slow and become friends without the bennies. She lived in Richmond, a town about 45 minutes away, so we would write each other letters during the week. Her letters were a joy to read. We would meet half way for a date on the weekends.
So, here I was with two nice ladies, totally different, but their names were similar. I had to be so careful not to mix them up. I got caught out once on the phone. It was Jan, but I thought she said Janis and I started talking about what Janis and I had done that weekend. Boy, did I have some backpedaling to do.
But I sensed I hadn’t found what I was looking for or maybe out of curiosity, I continued to listen to more ad responses. Time was getting to be a factor as my saving account was about to dry up.
Turned out to be a decision I would never regret. Turned out to be the best decision of my life.
Karen sounded intriguing, so I gave her a call. I had noticed her ad (titled “Liver and Onions”), and we had previously responded to each other but had lost contact in all the shuffle.
Some say the best way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. She was smart to capitalize on the saying and ended up capturing my heart. But I’m getting ahead of myself.
After we had talked, I sensed this might be worth investigating. We agreed to meet at an Applebee’s located close to where she lived.
Just as I entered the restaurant parking lot, I observed a very nice looking lady entering the restaurant.
“Man,” I thought. “Wouldn’t it be nice if she were the one?”
Sure enough. It was my lucky day. I should have bought a lottery ticket that day ’cause I hit the jackpot.
“Hello, I’m Karen,” she said, extending an elegant hand. As we shook, I felt a spark of electricity that energized me.
She made me feel very comfortable as we chatted through dinner. Our defining moment was when we had finished eating. I was wondering if she would want to see me again.
She must have read my thoughts because she reached across the table and touched my hands.
“I would like to see you again.”
I felt my face light up bright red. When she saw my embarrassment, she squeezed my hands.
“I’ll take that as a yes,” she said, with a smiley face.
We just celebrated our 17th wedding anniversary! But, I am getting ahead of myself again. Sorry, I couldn’t help it. I still get excited when I think of our meeting.
*****
…You are the woman that I’ve always dreamed of. I knew it from the start. I saw your face, and that's the last I saw of my heart…
After our first meeting, I suspected that my search might be over. But what was I getting myself into? Dating three women at the sa
me time wasn’t what I had intended. How complicated did I want to make this?
But the Super Bowl halftime brought me back to my senses—or did it just complicate things more?
Before I met Karen, Janis and I had made plans with another couple to go on a ski trip. Remember, I’m trying to keep the relationships platonic, but…women.
From a man’s point of view, they sometimes say one thing when they mean the total opposite. It’s as if they expect men to be mind-readers. But then, guess you could say, some men are much too susceptible to temptation. By some men, I mean me.
Anyway, Karen and I were watching the Super Bowl at her apartment and wouldn’t you know it, the game was boring and by halftime, we (she) needed a little more entertainment.
“Would you like to feel some flesh?”
These were her now-famous words. It was the first time I’d ever heard it put that way!
Wouldn’t you know it, I now found myself intimate with two of the three and heading down the wrong trail again.
*****
…Ooh eeh ooh ahah, ting tang wallawallabingbang. My friend the witch [love] doctor gave me some advice. He told me the way to win your heart…
I must admit, it was kinda fun dating three women at once, but I knew I must make a decision to tell two girls goodbye, so I turned to my Love Doctor for advice. Al and I had worked together for many years. He has been married to the same woman all his life, so what better place to go for love advice! He had been keeping tabs on my current situation. He confirmed what I knew in my heart, that the right one was Karen. So I ended it with Jan, but there was this ski trip that Janis and I had already planned. What a conundrum.
Karen made it easy for me. She understood and encouraged me to go on the trip with the promise that I would break it off afterwards.
What a gal! I kept my promise. After the trip, I informed Janis of my situation. She acted as if she could care less, which made it much easier for me to say goodbye.
Karen and I karaoke-serenaded Al with the witch doctor song at our wedding reception. Only we substituted the word ‘witch doctor’ with ‘love doctor’.
