by A. L. Wood
“It’s for show,” he argues back.
“Show or not. You knew I’d be there and you did it anyway.”
“I didn’t come here to argue you with you, believe it or not. I came because I missed you and I needed you. I can’t take your silent treatments anymore Lyrik. You’re mine and I’m yours. That’s it. We’re only whole when we’re with each other.”
He renders me speechless. I can’t…reply.
He turns my lamp on, finds my notebook and tosses it to me.
“Write it.”
Complete me.
Anson looks down at those two simple words. I want to deny everything he said, but it’s the same truth I’ve known all along. We’re each other’s halves, only whole when together.
He pushes the notebook out of my hand and pulls me to him, his lips meet mine with consuming desire.
I grab at his neck and pull him against me harder, I want all of him.
Need it.
I want to feel everything he feels.
We disconnect long enough to shove my blankets to the floor and our clothing follows.
He pushes me onto my back, he lays on top of me. Anson kisses my neck then traces his lips up to my jaw only to meet my lips again.
I moan.
His touch builds a fire within me. My heart pounds against my rib cage and somewhere silently I’m praying this isn’t a dream.
Anson pulls back to position himself and thrusts into me. “Hold on to me baby,” he suggests.
I listen.
I wrap my hands around his back.
“I love you,” he whispers his confession into my ear.
I don’t want to say it. What if he leaves again?
What if he claims that I don’t feel that way, again?
I wouldn’t be okay.
It would break the last part of me that he doesn’t yet own.
“I love you, too.”
Those four words take every last piece of me.
I no longer have any resilience left. He has it.
All.
We meet our earth shattering plateaus at the same time.
We don’t bother getting dressed, no more words are said. Anson grabs the blanket from the floor, pulls me into his side and covers us.
Anson
My dearest Lyk,
I know that I’m beginning to sound like a broken record here, but I didn’t want to wake you up. You were snoring with the blanket over your head, I pulled the blanket down long enough to kiss you. I only managed to get the day off, I have to be back today. Everything has been crazy, I’ll tell you about it when I can.
Miss you,
Anson
May 11th 2015
Lyrik
I don’t even want to take this test, but every fiber in my being points to being pregnant. I wasn’t on birth control, I had no reason to be nor did I have condoms and Anson never asked. We were in the moment and it happened.
The timer goes off meaning that it’s time to see if there are two pink lines present or one on the stick. I nervously walk over to the counter and peer down, two solid pink lines.
Pregnant.
I’ve already contemplated reaching out to Anson if it was positive and I decided I wouldn’t. He hasn’t contacted me since he left me a note, again, that morning. It was a one-time weakness, he thought about me, took a flight home, got what he came for and left.
If he wanted a relationship or at the very least a friendship, he would’ve reached out.
He didn’t so the pause at the fork in the road has been chosen.
I’m going to do this alone. I make a steady income at the local doctor’s office as a nurse, have full-time hours and benefits. I don’t need Anson to help me, he left as always and his responsibilities stopped at the door.
I’d imagined having a child with him one day, I just didn’t think it would end up like this.
December 18th 2015
Age: Twenty- Five
Lyrik
“But I’m not due until the twenty-first.” I inform my obstetrician.
“I know, we have it on record. A due date is just an estimated date that you should go into labor. It allows us to know when we should start worrying. If you didn’t go into labor by two weeks’ time then we’d suggest induction. This is normal Lyrik. Relax.”
“Okay. So…what next?”
“Go home.”
“What? I am in labor. Why would I go home?”
“It can take some time. You’re only dilated a centimeter. Go home, relax. Take a shower. When your contractions start coming five minutes apart then I want you to call me, I’ll have you head to the hospital then. We’ll admit you and start the process so you can meet your little boy.”
“Are you sure it’s safe to go home?” I ask. I doubt this is right.
“I’ve been doing this for a long time, you’ll be fine. Just do what I suggest, call me when they’re closer together and we’ll meet him together. Okay?”
“Fine. I’ll do what you said. Don’t think for one second I won’t be timing these. They’re painful already.”
“See you later, Lyrik.”
Anson
I have to be on stage in ten minutes, but this time my gut won’t stop churning.
Somethings off.
I feel it in my bones.
I’ve felt this way on and off all day, I thought maybe it was the nerves of selling out Madison Square Garden, but here I am ten minutes until show time and being on stage in front of the largest crowd isn’t bothering me.
Every time I think of Lyrik and wanting to be here though my stomach flips. I can’t call her right now so I send a text.
Me: Lyk, know we haven’t spoken in a while and that’s my fault. Will explain later. Got a weird vibe that maybe somethings going on with you. Please let me know you’re okay.
I hear the announcer say my name so I put my cellphone in my back pocket and walk out onto the stage.
Lyrik
“Have you chosen a name?” The attending nurse asks me as we wait on my doctor to show.
“I have,” I smile thinking about meeting him for the first time. Aslan, after the Chronicles of Narnia. I’m a fan of all things literary. His father would like it too.”
“That’s a beautiful name, will the father be here?”
I pause. Sadness over him missing the birth of his first child and son, but if he wanted to know he would’ve tried something, anything. “No. He won’t make it.”
The nurse pats my arm, her eyes full of pity.
Pity that I don’t need right now.
I shake the sadness away and smile brightly at her, I’m going to meet Aslan tonight.
Being a single parent will be difficult, I’m sure but this life was made in love. He’s a product of the love I’ve carried in my heart the last twenty years.
He’s worth all of the pain in the world.
“Lyrik?” Dr. Fin stands before the bed.
“Yeah?”
“I’m going to check you now, I want to see how dilated you are as it’s been a few hours since I saw you in my office. Okay?”
“Sure.”
I spread my legs, he lifts the blankets and does his thing down there.
The pain is unexpected, every book and online forum I’ve read hadn’t prepared me for the sudden onset of pain when it came to checking how dilated one is.
I expected contractions and over all labor and birth to hurt like a bitch. I hadn’t expected his fingers to.
No one tells you this.
“You’re about six centimeters. Did you want an epidural? If so we can get the anesthesiologist in here now to administer it. If you want one, we won’t have much time.
**
Another thing that no one tells you is that sometimes there are complications. Complications that will forever change your life.
Change you.
Complications such as when you bear down for that one last hard push you could be at fault for the umbilical cord that’s
already wrapped around your baby to tighten, essentially cutting off all oxygen and more.
Complications that cardiopulmonary resuscitation can’t save.
Complications that involve you holding your cold son and you can’t warm him.
Complications that mean you have to leave the hospital alone.
Desolate and empty.
Complications that take all of you who are.
Anson
Once I leave the stage I check my cellphone.
No reply which means she’s still ignoring me.
Once this tour is over I am taking some much needed time off and she and I will work on this.
November 15th 2016
Age: Twenty-Four
Lyrik
Dear Anson,
We haven’t spoken in almost two years. You left here saying you’d get ahold of me and never did. I’m used to that, you running and leaving and not hearing from you for months. But right now, I need you. I’m lost and I don’t even know who I am anymore. So many things have happened and you’re not here. Things that would change your world too. Maybe not as much as mine because you weren’t here when it happened, but it’s all the same.
Just, please come home.
Lyrik
I contemplate hitting send. If he receives this there’s a high chance he will come home, but it won’t be for the right reasons. He’ll think something happened to his parents or me. Something did happen to me and to him, but he’ll only come home to fix what he can and then leave again. I need him here for good. He can have his career and travel the world, but when he lays his head down at night I want it to be next to mine. Not in some apartment in Los Angeles.
I can’t have him coming home out obligation. He has to want to be here and it’s obvious he doesn’t.
I backspace every word.
If he wanted to know what was going on in my life he would’ve found a way to reach me, he would’ve been here. I wouldn’t be alone in my grief, lost and going under.
Anson
Lyrik,
I’m sorry I haven’t been home to visit. I’m almost done here. I’ve upheld the terms in my contract. Made every album they wanted and went on the road. I’m now free to open my own label and I have the money and connections to do it. By February I’ll have everything sorted and I’ll be back home. Just hold on a little longer.
Wait for me.
Love,
Anson
Knowing Lyrik she’s over my ass already. She’s waited for me most of her life and I can’t blame her for being sick of it. I haven’t called her because I didn’t want to risk her telling me that our connection is one-sided, that she’s with someone else or just doesn’t want to wait any longer. That she’s moved on. My fear has held me back from picking up that phone or typing out an email or text.
I can’t send her this. I delete the email. What if she replies and my fears come true?
Instead, I’ll surprise her when I come home.
I’ll know then if she’s moved on or if she’s ready for us.
I’ll fix whatever mistakes I’ve made with her.
January 30th 2017
Lyrik
Two years means nothing when it comes to the passing of someone you loved.
I grew Aslan inside of me, I felt the only movements he ever made.
Me.
I carried him near my heart and always will.
I held him against my body for hours, long after he was gone.
Two years could be yesterday when it comes to him not being here.
I can’t stop thinking of him today as I enter patient’s information and take their blood pressure before they get to see the doctor.
Shutting the door on a patient that probably just has a virus, Jen, another nurse approaches me. “There’s a guy asking for you at the check in desk.”
“Are you sure they’re asking for me? “
“He asked for Lyrik Everly, that’s your name.”
“Okay. I’ll take care of this, let the next patient know it’ll just be a minute.”
Who could be here asking for me?
Is it Anson’s father? Is he okay? Did something happen?
I walk through the hall out into the waiting room and there he is. The only person to ever love me and break my heart at the same time. Anson.
“What are you doing here?” He doesn’t deserve a peaceful reunion. I just want him out of my life.
“That’s how you greet an old friend?”
“Anson, I really don’t have time for this. Let’s just say our goodbye now and be done with it. This time with my eyes open and my mind conscious.”
“I’m not here to say goodbye.”
“Then I’ll do it for you. ‘Bye Anson.”
I leave him standing there in the waiting room. I can’t do this shit today.
Anson
She can’t just leave. We’ll never have a goodbye. If she refuses to talk to me, I’ll have to take extreme measures.
“Ma’am?” I say to the lady at the counter.
“Are you checking in for an appointment?”
“I don’t have one.”
“Okay, you’re a walk-in. Take a seat, we’ll get you in the system.”
I’ll wait all day here if I have to.
Lyrik
One more patient then I can go home and try to forget this day ever happened.
Fucking Anson. Always like him to come barreling into my life when he sees fit to.
I knock on the door before opening it to let the patient know I’ll be coming in.
Once the door’s open I see Anson’s smirk staring back at me from his position in the rolling chair.
He was waiting for me.
Bastard.
“I’ll be taking your vitals, can you just tell me your name and birthdate?”
I can play this game too.
“Lyrik, you know my name and birthdate but that’s not why I’m here. I’m not sick, I just had to get you to talk to me.”
“So, you lied to get in here?” I ask. Angry that he wouldn’t just get the hint and leave.
“I did. I’ll do anything to get to you.”
“Really? You’ve had two years to get back to me Anson. Two fucking years! Not one word from you. Nothing. It doesn’t take but a minute to call me and say hello!” I yell.
“I can see it from your point of view, but I’ve been working round the clock to be here now.”
“It’s too late Anson. I can’t play this hot and cold, push and pull shit with you anymore. When you left two years ago, you made that decision for me. I’m over this. I’m over you.”
“I’m not leaving unless you agree to give me another chance,” he pleads.
“Not happening.”
“I have all the time in the world now Lyk. I make my own schedule. I’ll wait if that’s what you need, but know that I will be here.”
“Where were you a year ago, when I needed you Anson?” I cry. “You weren’t there. If you didn’t leave and decide to cut all contact, you would’ve known that. I needed you and you weren’t there,” I pound on his chest.
“What happened a year ago?” He asks, stilling my hands.
He got me so upset that I let it slip how much I needed him.
“I had a baby Anson. Your baby. Our baby. I had him and he was adorable and I loved him and now I don’t have him. I don’t have anyone,” I cry.
“You…You had a baby? A boy?”
“Yes, I gave birth to our baby and you weren’t there. I did everything alone. I buried him alone, I went home alone, I’ve grieved all alone.”
“I didn’t know,” he whispers as a tear falls from his eye.
“You would’ve Anson. You would’ve known if you hadn’t left. I can’t do this anymore. Just please leave me alone.”
I run from the room.
Anson
She runs from me and I let her.
Shock radiates from my core, we had a baby.
A boy.
&
nbsp; I don’t even know his name.
We had a baby and now we don’t.
She was alone because I couldn’t find the time to be with her. Because I thought I’d have another day then another to fix us.
I have to fix this.
Lyrik
Now you know our story.
One of pain and love and loss.
Life-long friendship.
Do I read his letter?
Is what we have worth hearing what he has to say?
Can we come back from this?
Maybe.
Just maybe we have a shot and if we don’t, I have nothing to lose.
I sit down on my couch, his handwriting on the front, Just read it, because he knows that I won’t want to.
I turn the envelope over in my hand and rip the seam open. I pull the paper out and read.
Lyrik,
I’ve thought about how to begin this letter a thousand times during the last six hours. I can’t for the life of me, feel that I can begin it in any good way.
In any way that would make you see reason and change your mind, but I am hoping that with some miracle you do.
Change your mind.
Because I love you.
I need you.
I have been a fool for too many years to count. I should have been there, I would have been there had I known. I am NOT putting any blame on you, please know that. I understand why you wouldn’t have told me, I also know why you blame me. It didn’t matter that we weren’t together, touring wouldn’t have mattered.
Music wouldn’t have mattered.
Only you and him.
You two would’ve been my all.
It’s a heavy burden to have carried for so many years, but I am here NOW. I’m not leaving.
Maybe you don’t feel the same way about me as I feel about you, that’s okay. We don’t have to be together.
I’d really like you to consider giving me a chance though.
