“A man you’re seeing. Wow.” Rea looks down at her glass of wine, running her finger along its edge. “You’ve been seeing a man for months and you haven’t told me.”
Shit, now I’ve hurt her feelings. “It’s really just a matter of I don’t know how to date people. Plus, you’ve had some real shit going on in your life. I didn’t want to bother you with my fucked-up life.”
Rea’s eyes meet mine and she has a sad smile on her face. Is that pity?
“This isn’t fucked-up, Ri. This is amazing. It’s everything you always wanted. This is a happy time. How could you think I didn’t want to know?” Rea moves to sit at the foot of my chair. “Don’t keep things from me because of Dalton.”
I figure now is a good time to give her the important news. “I’ve been going to therapy and meetings for sex addiction.”
“Really?” Shock written all over her face.
“The craziest part is it’s actually helping me. I have only been with one man in six months and are you ready?” I ask, like I have the most exciting news she’ll hear all year. “I dated him for four before I let him put his dick in me.”
Rea’s nose scrunches up at my crassness. “You just took a great thing and messed it up by saying that.”
Here’s my opportunity to have a little fun. “What’s that?”
“You know what. Don’t play dumb; you and your dick comments all the time,” she says with disgust.
“Oh, come on. You love when I talk about the adventures my vagina takes,” I say, poking her knee.
Rea pushes my leg in return, a bright smile now present on her face. “Actually, I would rather hear about it not taking adventures. Tell me about your boyfriend instead.”
I laugh. “Boyfriend, why must you say it like that?”
“Because that’s what he is,” she responds. “Come on, tell me about him.”
I take a deep breath. I should tell her about Nate, but after my day with Jon, my focus is on the wrong man. Nate is good to me, almost perfect even. He is great to Kiley and she loves him. So why am I constantly wasting my energy on fixing things from my past? It’s all I can think about.
My silence causes Rea to worry. I watch as her brow furrows. “Ri, he is a good man, right? You’re not involved with someone you shouldn’t be are you?”
Shaking my head, I don’t want her to think badly of Nate. “No, of course not. He’s great actually, perfect even. He loves Kiley and she loves him. He takes good care of me and loves me in every way I always wanted.”
“Then why do you look like someone killed your cat?” Rea asks, taking one of my hands in hers.
I say the one thing I know she will understand. She will know how difficult my life just became. “I have a Striker.”
Her face tilts, confusion twisting her beautiful features. “What?”
Okay, maybe she won’t understand. “I have a blast from the past. He showed up at my work. Seeing him has really confused me and brought up feelings I thought I had forgotten.”
“Oh.” It’s her only response.
“Oh? What does that mean? I tell you my finally worked out life just got flipped upside down by the return of a boyfriend from my past, and you say ‘Oh.’” She’s not even going to ask any questions. What am I talking about? I’m not sure I’m ready to give any answers.
“Is this guy Kiley’s father?” she asks.
I know what she’s thinking now. I told Rea a while back that Kiley’s dad was married to someone else when I got pregnant. I left it at that, never filling her in on the remainder of the situation. I’m sure she’s thinking a married man has returned into my life, and I will screw up my new, somewhat normal, relationship because of this man. Again, a man who Rea assumes is married.
This was never the case. Well, I guess it kind of was in a sense, but it was much worse than her assumption.
“No, he’s not. Although, my life probably would have been a lot easier had he been,” I answer.
“So you loved this guy,” she says.
“More than anything.”
“What happened?” Rea leans forward, dipping her head to make contact with my fallen eyes.
The pressure of emotions I’ve been battling builds in my chest, causing my eyes to burn. I’m unable to form words. I just shake my head in answer.
“That bad, huh?” She pats my knee, letting me off the hook. “I know you’ll tell me when you’re ready.”
“He works at the gym with Mase. I signed up to receive training sessions from him. Pretty desperate, isn’t it?” I can’t believe I forced him to spend time with me that way. Then I embarrassed myself completely today.
Rea cocks an eyebrow in question. I never, and I mean never, work out. I think it might be against my religion. Who wants to get all sweaty and smell bad?
“What? I need to get into shape,” I say in defense.
“And what kind of shape would that be. A twisted trainer pretzel with your first?” she says, being goofy.
Maybe she means first love, or maybe she means the man who took my virginity. Either way I don’t want to get into that conversation. Still fighting back the tears of my past, I decide to change the subject. “How’s Dalton?”
Rea stands, filling her glass with the remaining wine from our last bottle. “Not gonna work. I’m not talking about our life right now. To be honest, I need a break from it. At least tell me about your boyfriend if you’re not ready to talk about your Striker.”
The boyfriend, what can I say? My focus on him and our relationship has been lacking. I’m with a man that puts his life aside for me; who found me the help I needed and never shamed me for the life I lived. He knows a lot from my past and has never judged me for it. He loves my daughter, and all I can think about lately is how do I mend my relationship with Jon.
“He’s one of the best men I’ve ever met and he loves me,” I share, turning to face Rea with a forced smile on my face. I hope I don’t look as fake as I feel.
“Oh wow, that’s great, Ri.” Her voice is as phony as my smile. “But, do you love him?”
“Of course.”
“Yeah, that was convincing,” Rea scoffs.
My hand raises in question. “What do you want me to say? He really is great, perfect even. He loves Kiley like she is his blood. He takes better care of us than I need, and he makes my body hum with desires I’ve never felt in my life. He’s the man of my dreams.”
“But…” Rea questions.
“There’s no spark. I love him; don’t get me wrong. How could I not? I could come on the thought alone of how he gets me off. But one fucking look at Jon, and I remembered that all-consuming love I felt, and it makes my relationship with Nate seem like I’ve been lying to myself all of these months. Maybe I forced myself to fall in love instead of actually falling in love.” Standing, I walk over to the deck railing and look over the quiet backyard.
I wish that were my life. Quiet. It was, at least for a few months, but I should know better than to think it would last. Things have never been that easy for me. Life has thrown obstacles in my way at every turn.
“Riley.” Rea’s hand lands on my shoulder as a sign of comfort. She wants the best for me; always has. “I know what I am about to say may be tough, but you know the things I’ve been through over the last year. Our hearts have desires, but that doesn’t always mean it’s the right thing for our lives at that time. Don’t rush into any decisions. Let life work its way out. You’re twenty-five. There’s still a lifetime for you to live, don’t put pressure on yourself to decide anything right away.”
I feel the trickle of tears down my cheeks. I hate that I’m crying. I hate every single tear. I worked hard at fighting my tears off. The broken heart in my chest was something I buried over seven years ago. I made a decision as a mother to be put together and strong, not the broken little girl I truly am on the inside.
I’m afraid of her return, and tears can only mean that she’s hiding just under the surface. “How can one look a
t that man flip my whole life upside down?”
“I know the feeling. I just don’t have all the answers. All I can say is please talk to me. I know you’re not ready today to tell me everything. I understand. Just know that I’m here.” Rea leans in, wrapping her arm around my shoulders.
I hope she knows how much I appreciate her friendship. Rea has been the only constant person in my life, other than Kiley, since I was pregnant. Even though we’ve both kept parts of our lives to ourselves, I know I can count on her and her family if I should find myself in a hard time.
“I wish I could talk about it, about everything. I just can’t, but I’ll work on it. I can’t carry my past alone much longer. It’s slowly killing me.” That’s the truth.
Every time I look at my sweet little girl, I’m faced with my past. It’s hard to decide between the people you love. While I hate that Jon suffered because I chose Kiley, I’m proud of my decision to put her first, even as a stupid teenager. I just know now that I went about it the wrong way. What I thought was right then, wasn’t.
Rea pulls away. “How about another bottle?” she asks, while shaking the empty bottle we already finished.
“You read my mind.”
Eleven
Jon~present day
“Hey, Jon.”
What’s her name greets me as I walk through the door at the gym. It’s not that I’m trying to be a dick. I’ve just vowed to myself that I’ll stay away from women. The most time they might get out of me is a few drinks at the bar before heading back to their place to hook up.
It’s never more than that. I learned a hard lesson falling in love, and I know my heart could never take what it was put through again. However, I am still a man. I have needs and there are more than enough willing woman out there who are damn near begging to fulfill them.
I nod my head in greeting at her and head straight to Mase’s office.
“What’s up, man?” I say as I take a seat in front of his desk.
He doesn’t look up from his computer. “Just trying to finalize everything for this weekend’s fight. You ready for this, man?”
“You’re damn right I’m ready. I need this. I’ve had to wait long enough,” I answer, already feeling the adrenaline starting to flow just thinking about it.
Shutting his laptop, he turns to me. “Did I see Riley in here a few days ago?”
“Yes,” I simply answer. I don’t want to think about her, and I sure as hell don’t want to see her again.
“Are you training her?” He looks confused.
“No.”
“What in the hell was she doing here then? I haven’t seen her but a handful of times since my dad passed away.” Mase picks up a pen, twisting it between his fingers.
I get the feeling he misses her, or at least wants to know how she is, but I’m not a middleman, and I don’t understand why they don’t speak to one another.
“Wanted me to train her,” I respond, my voice flat. I don’t want him to hear any emotion I feel about her showing back up in my life. As pissed as I am toward Riley, and as strained as their relationship is, he still thinks of her as his sister.
Confusion is still etched strongly across his face. “That’s it?”
“No. She wants me to hear her out about what happened in the past to help me understand and hopefully forgive her. I just can’t, man. I asked her not to come back after she acted all crazy the other day. I don’t need her shit in my life, right now. I’m sorry if you wanted to see her. I should have told you when she was going to be here.” I said too much.
He scratches his head. “Don’t worry about it, man. I know how hard seeing her is for you.”
“Look, if you want to see her…”
Mase cuts me off. “I don’t. At least I’m sure she doesn’t want to see me. After I testified at your appeal, things really changed and we lost touch.”
“Do you think she’s mad at you for testifying? Your dad had already passed away at that point.” I don’t know how to feel about that. I don’t know how she went from hating that man to protecting him.
“I think there’s a lot we don’t know, and unless we lived in Riley’s shoes, we’ll never understand it. He always fucked with her head, man. From the time my dad met her mom, until the day he took his last breath, he treated her like a defiant child who needed tight reins because she were always in trouble.” He leans forward in his chair, folding his hands on top of his desk. “We both know she followed the rules better than any other kid we knew in high school. She always did what she was told.”
“I’m hoping she doesn’t come by again, but if she does, I’ll tell her to come see you.” He can say what he wants, but I know he would feel better hearing from her and knowing she’s doing well, that life hasn’t completely fucked her over.
“Thanks, man. Look, I know I’ve said this before. She truly loved you, Jon. I know that what she did to you, he manip…”
I cut him off. “I don’t want to hear it.”
“Come on. You know as well as I do that…” He tries again.
“No, I don’t know. I never will because I want to leave all of that shit in the past. I was nice when she came in here, for you mainly. Ever since all that shit went down, I’ve wanted to forget Riley, and that I was ever stupid enough to fall for her and her innocent act.” I’m getting heated.
I know Mase doesn’t mean anything by it, but I can’t hear that she didn’t know what she was doing. She knew what was at stake. She testified against me anyway. I loved her, saved every penny to take her away from her stepdad. I was left with nothing in the end. I’ll never trust again, especially Riley.
Needing a change of subject. “Are you ready for the fight this weekend?”
“Hell yeah, man. How about you?” he asks in return, not pressing the Riley conversation.
“I’ve been waiting for this for years.” I’ve fought since college, but just underground fights. My veins surge with adrenaline at the thought of fighting in an actual cage again.
Twelve
Riley~present day
“Hello,” I call through my phone as Nate buzzes me.
“Riley, can you come meet me in my office?” His deep baritone voices echoes around my office over the speaker.
“Yes, sir.” I end the call, lock my computer, and make my way to his office.
The door is shut so I knock twice before pushing it open, since he is expecting my arrival.
His eyes are focused on the computer screen in front of him, eyebrows furrowed. Whatever he is reading doesn’t make him happy. “Sit.”
Taking a seat, as I was instructed to do, I worry. “Is something wrong?”
Leaning back in his seat, he finally gives me his attention and releases a harsh breath. “No, no, just pretty busy and something isn’t lining up the way I would like it to. I may need to change my angle. Listen, tonight I want you to leave work a little early, go pamper yourself, and meet me at this address at seven tonight.”
I take the card he slides across his desk. “Is this a restaurant?”
Smiling at me he says, “One of the best.”
I’ve never been told to go home early. This is new, but I can’t complain. I could use a little time and my body and mind could use a little TLC. It’s been a rough mental battle since I last saw Jon. I’m not sure what Nate is up to, but if I’m honest with myself, it makes me nervous.
Standing, I turn to leave. “It’s already after noon. Should I go now?”
“Not until you come give me a proper goodbye,” Nate says, pushing his chair back, giving me room between him and his desk.
Walking around, I lean forward, placing a brief kiss to his lips. It’s a kiss of obligation, not desire. “See you tonight.”
Nate reaches forward, grabbing my hips, holding me in place. Slowly his hands travel until they are at the bottom hem of my skirt. Fingers slip under its edge, hiking it up until it’s just below the curve of my butt. When he feels like its high enough, his hands wrap
around the backs of my thighs. I’m pulled forward, legs widened, and before I can refuse, I’m straddling his lap.
Nate leans forward, placing his lips against my neck. I can feel the trace of his breath against my skin. “What’s going on, Ri? You’ve been distant. I’ve given you a couple weeks to come to me about it on your own, but you haven’t.”
The movement of his lips tickles my skin. I want to enjoy his touch. My chest aches at the thought of hurting this man. I hate the thought of damaging what we have, but my mind is a mess. I don’t like that I’m pulling away. I finally have the type of person in my life I’ve always dreamed about for Kiley and me. Now what? Am I going to mess up a stable relationship because of one I had as a child?
The things that happened back then, and the decisions I made, prove how stupid and messed up in the head I was. Did I truly even love JT back then? Honestly, I’m not even sure I’ve been distant because of his return to town or because of the episode I had my last time at the gym.
Pulling myself from my thoughts, I realize Nate has pulled away. My hands are gently placed against the front of his crisp, white button-up shirt, smoothing it out over his chest. My lower lip begins to tremble as the sadness I’ve felt for the past two weeks finally bubbles to the surface.
“I don’t know what’s wrong.” My voice shakes.
His hands wrap around mine. “That’s okay. We’ll figure it out.”
I shake my head in response. He’ll be by my side. That’s what he does. The only problem is: Will I let him?
Pushing me off his lap, he stands. “Go, do something nice for yourself. I’ve got a lot to do. I’ll see you tonight.”
His lips touch mine in a brief kiss, and he gives me a light smack on my ass as I turn to leave to find the closest day spa.
****
Earlier, when I returned home from my relaxing afternoon, all compliments of Nate, I found the most delicate dress sprawled across my bed, begging me to slip it on. I run my hands over its satin material as I enter the restaurant Nate requested I meet him at.
Fighting My Affections Page 8
